So I contacted her after six weeks NC

[Freeatlast_1]

So for the last six weeks, since I went NC I knew this was the right thing to do But I was miserable. Every day was worse than the day before. I would get flashbacks at work, I would cry Anytime anywhere, I have a constant feeling an ache in my stomach. Despite all that I held to my guns and did not contact her. The relationship was very tough, she is a classic BPD ,and she had crazy rages. It took me 1 to 2 weeks after every rage to come back to normal, I was in a constant state of anxiety, and everybody around me notice. I even stopped being myself, just to avoid another fight. So today I had so much longing in

me that I had to contact her and nothing was going to stop me. I was just that out of it. I texted her that "I hope you're OK, I wish you happiness, and I cannot hate you even though my soul is broken. Sorry if this text comes in a bad time, as you may be dating others at this time. I just want to say that I miss you. ", She responds with " I'm not with others, I'm not a public restroom. U should know how much I love you. And u should know that it might take us a life time to move on... .even though it seems impossible! I wish u happiness too, I pray for u every night that ur heart is in peace that u r not hurting as much as I am. Miss u too".

I was So afraid she's going to rage at me via text for contacting her, as she would totally do that. But she didn't, and that does not change the fact that she suffers from A horrible illness,and it does not change the fact that I cannot live the rest my life with her, but it does help me even a little bit to know that I meant something. I have been struggling for the past six weeks with the idea that everything we have been through meant nothing to her. I just wish there was a way to make this relationship normal, it really hurts that these people are so unpredictable.

[Kelli Cornett]

Interesting response.

[cloudten]

LMAO... .not a public restroom. i should use that when my BPD texts me the same thing. .

How are you feeling about contacting her and her response?

I am 4 weeks NC... .and at this point, I can't imagine contacting him... .because it would force me to experience the excruciating pain i have been in all over again. Don't get me wrong... .there's a lot of things I would love to say. There's a lot of things I wish he knew. I would love to know how he is doing... .if he is getting help. but... .i don't want to be in the fetal position crying my eyes out drinking obscene amounts of tequila again. It wasn't fun the first time and I hope those days are past me.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

Did you feel addicted to her? If so, most of what you are experiencing is probably withdrawal... .and with time will pass.

Did you go back NC?

[Lifewriter16]

Freeatlast

I pray for u ... .that u r not hurting as much as I am."

This made my cry. I pray the same thing for my BPDxbf. It's awful being away from him but we couldn't turn things around. What with his triggers and my triggers, the situation was so painful for us both that neither of us could cope. Love wasn't enough. I wasn't up to the job of loving him.

I feel for you, I really do.

Lifewriter x

[C.Stein]

Freeatlast_1,

Well, you got far more than I did when I reached out.  It would have been immensely helpful for me to hear those words from my ex.  I hope this brings you some peace of mind.

[Freeatlast_1]

Cloudten, I am coping by working out, eating right, sleeping a lot, and working a lot. I tend to go out with family not much bars/clubs etc as I don't feel I want that right now. Am I totally NC, No because she texted me again about a photo we had and a song she was listening to about breakups. That's it. We will be NC again, I know it. I honestly didn't want to break NC, I just could not. I cannot explain it! I was in so much physical and emotional agony and if I got the "I'm with someone else, leave me alone" it would be OK because that's my closure, and getting what I got is also OK, because at least I meant something to her. So I thought about it, either response is fine. I agree with Lifewriter, love has never been enough, and yes I had those horrible anxiety nights when I was with her and all the turmoil made me always anxious. So it sucks with her or without her really, to be honest. I feel a 'little' bit better though, and I realize contacting her was not ideal... .

[MSNYC]

I had a very similar experience after a month of NC.

We exchanged a few texts. He reiterated how sorry he is for hurting me, that the "fog is lifting" but it's happened to him before, and when there's that "fog, I just can't see straight." He said he misses me so much but is doing okay. Or as he said "I miss you more today than I did yesterday, and more than the day before that."

I am wondering now about the feasibility of remaining low contact? (I know from a friend that he is dating again.) I do know that I can't handle another rage cycle. We had very few of those before I called it quits and even those few go's around the carousel were hell for me. (Nothing compared to some of the extreme experiences you see posted on this site.) We are somewhat neighbors so bumping into each other is a strong likelihood.

Freeatlast, do you believe she is being honest about not dating anyone right now?

[Lifewriter16]

I think it's a myth that all pwBPD go from relationship to relationship, supply to supply. Perhaps many do, perhaps even most do, but I don't think they all do. I don't believe they are all cheating on us either. Believing these are truths could cause unnecessary suffering for us.

Lifewriter x

[Freeatlast_1]

MSNYC

I would have to believe her when she says that she's not dating anybody, because knowing her she doesn't give a crap about my feelings and she would not hide that from me. She totally would make comments like "I am seeing someone, just so you know, I'm not gonna hide that from you." I am still convinced she is 100% BPD, and I did have to go througha lot of rages. I am quite surprised however that she's not seeing anybody.she's probably getting her sexual needs satisfied by making out with people at clubs and bars. I can see that happening. But man I don't miss that girl.

[Mutt]

Hi Freeatlast_1,

I agree with MSNYC with low contact and that it may alleviate some of your anxiety. I hear conflict when I read your words Freeatlast_1. You're convinced that she's BPD and you wish to make this relationship normal. I apologize in advance if I have this wrong but you left her?

I struggled for a few months after the break-up because BPD traits and behaviors fit to a T with what I experienced with my ex wife from the beginning to the end of the r/s and a part of me was rejecting that she really suffered from mental illness. The image that I held unto throughout the entire relationship was the impression that she had made on me during our honeymoon phase. She was perfect and we comfortably synchronized together, it felt soothing for my soul. That image of my wife is the ideal that I held unto right to the end in her idealization phase and the break-up and reading about BPD was the reality that this wasn't who she really was. It was a very hard pill to swallow.  

Do you feel like you conflicted feelings? Do you feel sadness and loss that she's not the person that she seemed to be? Do you hope that the person that she was will reemerge?

[Freeatlast_1]

Mutt

Indeed this relationship was very confusing, I have never been so confused within myself as well. I myself don't know if I want to let her go completely, and be free, live my life normally versus trying to get her back, and training myself how to deal with a BPD patient. I feel like even if I put her through therapy, she will still struggle with the illness. I feel this would be a huge responsibility on my part. That's why I am leaning towards just staying away, and pursuing my life and maybe meeting someone that is easier to deal with. But yes, you're right. The idealization stage is what attached me to her, but I disagree that that was not her. I believe that was her, I think  all the good stuff that she did was in her, I don't think that was an act. however when she realized that there was some abandonment on my side, which in reality was just me getting busy with work, she acted like a classic BPD. I think that it is really hard to have a normal relationship with her as she exaggerates very small issues. Yes, it's very conflicting. She does mean a lot to me. Part of me wants to sacrifice more to be with her, the other part of me wants me to be free and move on with my life. I also think there's some kind of an addiction component I hope I get over, then it won't be as bad to move on. In terms of loss, I do feel that I lost my 'soulmate'. I have never believed in this, and I still question the concept. I think there are many people that are suitable for us in the World, but with her, I had some kind of a super connection. Little things like calling her whenever she was calling me, texting her whenever she was texting me, knowing if she's pissed even though I'm not with her etc. etc. again those things could develop within people that enteract closely with each other,it is a well-known concept. I just hope time does some magical healing, we'll see.

[C.Stein]

I struggled for a few months after the break-up because BPD traits and behaviors fit to a T with what I experienced with my ex wife from the beginning to the end of the r/s and a part of me was rejecting that she really suffered from mental illness. The image that I held unto throughout the entire relationship was the impression that she had made on me during our honeymoon phase. She was perfect and we comfortably synchronized together, it felt soothing for my soul. That image of my wife is the ideal that I held unto right to the end in her idealization phase and the break-up and reading about BPD was the reality that this wasn't who she really was. It was a very hard pill to swallow.  

Do you feel like you conflicted feelings? Do you feel sadness and loss that she's not the person that she seemed to be? Do you hope that the person that she was will reemerge?

I can completely relate to the above.  I held onto the woman I believed she could be, her potential best self if you will, throughout my relationship.  Discovering/realizing that woman is buried so deep that she will never fully see the light of day is the hardest pill to swallow.