BPD gf cuts herself and blames me

[brazbeliever]

Hi to all,

I had to comment this recent episode and, please, if you have anything to say, I need your help.

So this weekend I was really tired, and thought that I would have some time for me and to really rest a bit. But that wasn't like that at all.

My BPD gf was feeling dizzy and decided not to take her meds on Friday and, above all, she is really anxious because of her finals. Knowing that I can't convince her otherwise, I just went home by the end of the night. I get home, leave my cell on my bedpost, and go to sleep.

I woke up and went to have breakfast with my mother and forgot my cell. When I got back, I saw that she had called me 10 times. And her psychiatrist had also called me.

I tried to call my gf back, and she didn`t answer. So I texted and waited for the worst. She texted me back, calling me and my family all kinds of names, "hoping that we would die", and that I don't care about her cause she could have died that morning. I said that in the afternoon I would go to her place, and she said that she didn't want my company. I said nothing.

A few minutes later, she called me. When I answered she was desperate, crying her eyes out, and said that she cut her arm again and that this time was really bad. So I asked her why she did that, and she said because she was very irritated. I ran to her place only to find her having a bad emotional break down.

She blamed me for that crisis. I called her psychiatrist and told her what was going on, she said that I had to take her to a hospital. My gf swore that if she was hospitalized again, she would kill herself in there. (She cut her arm from wrist to elbow, front and back with a razor, but all cuts were superficial.)

So I lost my weekend taking care of her once again. And I get upset because I started my week feeling exhausted of all that emotional drama and she is acting like nothing happened at all! Today she called me saying that she was having the best day! I don't think I can handle it anymore.

Any thoughts?

[JQ]

Hi Braz  

First of all, I see your fairly new here with only 10 post ... .so welcome to a great place for guidance, venting with people who have been or are in your position. You won't find any judgment here ... .just friends who will pick you up when you fall down on your journey.

I know what you're going through has to be tough and you feel lost and confused as to why someone would want to do this. No matter what she says ... .THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!  NOTHING YOU SAID OR DIDN'T SAY ... .NOTHING YOU DID OR DIDN'T DO CAUSED HER TO RAGE AGAINST YOU OR TRY SUICIDE!  

Her psychiatrist is right ... .call 911 if she won't go to the hospital!  o NOT hesitate no matter what she threatens!  BPD is a VERY SERIOUS behavioral illness! People with BPD have the highest attempted suicide rate of those with mental or behavioral illness with 8-10% actually completing it. If she's in the hospital her attempts as self cutting or self harming is very much controlled ... .and most likely won't happen. In addition there might be some additional underlying issues that you might not be aware of but the doctors might find during her treatment.

And you said she is currently your gf ... .I would like to suggest that you seek out a therapist yourself to sort through your feelings, emotions ... .this isn't a sign of weakness but a amazing sign of strength to heal yourself and put yourself in a better place. This can only help you in the future with other relationships to include family & other friends. You are responsible for you! You are not responsible for her or her actions or inactions. Her circus is her circus ... .her flying monkey's are her pet flying monkeys NOT yours!

I know your exhausted, you have a lot of anxiety, and you're loosing sleep. YOU need to take care of YOU!  Be sure your eating right! Stay away from the fast food & the empty calories. Be sure to get out & exercise! A simple 1 mile walk will ONLY take 15-20 minutes at a very slow pace so don't say you don't have time. Wake up an 1/2 hour early before you normally would before work, put on your sweats & get that walk in. Do it everyday! This will help reduce some of your stress. Get out & enjoy the sun! Enjoy the weather, the changing of the leaves, the nip in the air ... .winter will be upon you soon enough. Call up a buddy & go for a burger in a beer, a salad & a glass of wine ... .or some hot wings & a glass of milk     Watch some Sunday football!  Bottom line ... .you have to take care of yourself ! NO ONE ELSE WILL!

Things are going to get better braz ... .things always get better!

JQ

[brazbeliever]

Thanks JQ! You sound so optimistic that made me feel too. 

And yes, I`m anxious about all of this. I`ve been on this rollercoaster for 5 years now. I`m getting to the point where I don't believe there is a solution if I stay. I have to take care of myself, though it seems like I am abandoning her and that I always have to put up with her pet flying monkeys, cause if I don't, who will?

But it's like you read my mind. I`ve been loosing sleep (I was sleeping so bad, that I spent more than a month sleeping 2 to 3 hours a day, just waiting until she was sound asleep and safe to go to bed, but I was waken at the middle of the night because of one emotional crisis of hers). I have to run out of work just to see if she is ok, and when I get home I`m so exhausted that prefer a fast food rather than a home cooked meal. So I`ve put on a lot of weight.

I was swimming twice a week, but anyhow I let her got me out of it. So I do have plans to go walking. Before I go to work is a great suggestion. 

I do have friends inviting me for a beer or so. But she always have a way of me not going. Maybe I have to put some boundaries there... .

I have said in another thread that I`ll have to move away for 1 year because of my work. I`m thinking if thats a good chance of pulling myself together again and get out of this chaos. Do you think it`s a good plan? Is 1 year enough? (that question is on the other thread "I really don't know what to do"

[babyducks]

hi brazbeliever,

I think this is the first time I've met you on the boards so  .    I'm not sure how much you education you have managed to grab about BPD and self injury.   Self Injury is pretty confusing.   I found this link which I think will be helpful for you.

Self injury and self harm

It's a long thread but this quote is in there

If they are making threats to self harm to stop you (for example: to stop you from going somewhere) or in an attempt to control you - this "can be" an attempt at manipulation. We can't allow ourselves to be manipulated in this fashion. Your response should be to offer them healthier options while also not being controlled by their threats. Don't give in to this and think that by staying and talking to them more, that you are helping them. You are giving them the green light to threaten you every time they want to get their way. In this form of crisis, we can't allow them to emotionally blackmail us, since that only guarantees that they will do it again (threaten us) as a way to control us. It doesn't mean that they won't hurt themselves, since they probably will "to show what you made them do to themselves",. It means that while our loved one is a lot of emotional pain, we still can't allow them to control us in this unhealthy fashion.

~ We can't lose our own sense of self trying to save them. We can't allow their pain to dictate whether we go out bowling or to see family members or to work. We can't stop living our lives because of their pain.

Self Injury/Self Harm/Cutting is addictive.  It's very hard to stop.   You mentioned the cuts were long but superficial.   

JQ was correct,  self care is very important.   Getting restorative sleep.   Eating well.  And disconnecting from her problems long enough to recharge your batteries.

If you decide to move away, you might want to think through how that would look/work, for you and for her.   Separating from a person with abandonment issues can cause unusual reactions regardless of what causes the separation.   If forgetting your phone, which was perfectly normal caused a strong reaction, moving is almost certain to cause one also.

which is not to say you should make your decision based on her potential reaction.   your decision should be based on what is best for braz.    and how to make it the most comfortable for you.

'ducks

[JQ]

Braz,

The glass is always 1/2 full ... .always with the positive energy ! Always with the positive energy!     

Five years is a long time to be riding that crazy train roller coaster!  It takes an incredibly strong person to do what you've done in those five years ... .but the direction of all that strength & energy has all been directed outwards towards her & her flying monkeys ... .you need to turn all that energy, effort inward towards yourself. You are running on fumes Braz ... .you need to take some time for yourself and fill your tank back up. If you run out of energy you can't help yourself much less anyone else ... .you have to take care of yourself.

I'm not actually a mind reader ... .I've been through what you've been through ... .not once but at least twice with a s/o.  I had forgot the lessons I learned from the first one so many years ago and I had to relearn the lessons I learned so many years ago. YOU are not abandoning her ... .you are responsible for Braz and Braz alone ... .unless you have kids and then that changes the dynamics ... .but from the sounds of things you don't have kids. Which brings me to some questions.  You've been trying to deal with her flying monkeys' for five years ... .take a moment ... .REALLY think about all the time, effort, energy, emotion, heart & soul you've put into minding those flying monkey's ... .sorry. Think about all the energy you've put into this ... .now ask yourself ... .Is this the person I want to have kids with? Is this the person I can count on when I'm in real need of support whether it might be a stay in the hospital or a family emergency? Can you see yourself doing what you're doing now 5 years from now ... .10-15 years from now?  I really do commend you in your commitment to her & the relationship ... .but every relationship is a partnership ... .an agreement of 2 separate people not only helping each other, enjoying each other, encouraging the other to continue to grow as a person ... .but you as an individual has to continue to grow. Every rose bush has two parts that are grafted together to produce amazing color & smells with the flowers they produce. If the root dies ... .then the leaves & flowers dies. If the leaves & the rest of he upper bush dies then the root dies ... .they work together equally.  A relationship with someone who has BPD will be anything but equal ... .as you've come to learn in the last 5 years is that the "NON" that's you ... .will always be giving more of yourself ... .always.

You have to walk this path of self discovery ... .this is a path you have to walk yourself. Not me, nor Ducks or anyone else can tell you what path you should choose ... .but we can be there for you to help you back up when you stumble ... .dust you off ... .listen to you vent ... .we can only tell what worked or didn't work for us ... .everyone is different including those with BPD. They seem to have a lot of similar behavior ... .but in the end they're still human and act differently to different situations.

I commend you on the fact that you're going to start walking before work ... .that is going to do so much in helping you reduce some of the stress your experiencing and reduce some of your anxiety.  It'll also help a little in the way of helping you sleep. If you like to AND want to swim then go swimming ... .no one has the right or the position to tell you to stop swimming or anything else for that matter. GO be a fish!   What's the worse that can happen if you go back to swimming? Maybe swimmers ear but they have things that will cure that    

AS far as not getting enough sleep ... .YOU have to shut down your phone for the night ... .her calling you constantly through out your sleep time is causing you physical, emotional & mental abuse. NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DENY YOU SLEEP!  I read where s/o with BPD will wake you up with phone calls, texting ... .or bumps in the night if you're actually sleeping next to them. It was like a shovel hit me square in the face ... .I can't tell you how many times she would thump me or bump me in the middle of the night to wake me up and then act like she was sleeping or ... .ask me ... ."Hi ... .you can't sleep either?"  WOW!   Once I finally had enough, I shut my volume down on my phone ... .not even vibrate. I started to get more sleep ... .I started to be able to deal with day to day issues better at work & with people including her. She would get upset that I shut the phone down, would leave voicemails to the point it would fill up my box ... .but I would tell her that I was exhausted and needed the sleep ... .I wasn't trying to avoid her.  Then I set the boundary ... .one of several I started to set ... .i explained to her, I didn't yell but explained to her what the boundary was and why I wanted it or needed it.  Remember you're dealing with someone who is behaviorally stunted as a 3 year old toddler. SO you have to explain it like that ... .ask questions to explain it.  Like, "What happens to you when you don't get enough sleep? You're tired, you become cranky, you don't interact with people well, etc.".  Then it might help ... .if not ... .well ... .you set the boundary and you need to stick to it. Boundary's are good ... .good for you good for her.

And as far as the fast food thing ... .you have seen the results of the empty calories ... .you gained weight. If you have to eat fast food, get a salad ... .stop off at Panera or other places that have  a choice besides burgers & fry's or fried chicken. Just make better choices ... .if you can ... .prep a good meals on a day off for the next 5-7 days & freeze it.  Any pasta freezes well for the week. Soup freezes well for the week ... .make a crock pot of it on Sunday & put it in freezer bowls for the week and take them out as needed.  Microwave in 5 minutes and you have a healthy dinner.  Make a bunch of french toast or pancakes and freeze them ... .take them out & put them in the toaster.  Snack on baby carrots ... .some celery ... .drink a lot of water or tea.

For your own well being go get a beer with your friend ... .some hot wings & a glass of milk while you watch the games but get out & enjoy the company of a buddy.  on't let anyone tell you who you can see or not see when it comes to your friends ... .they're your friends for a reason ... .you never know when they might not be here and you'll regret it.

She's going to try to continue to manipulate you ... .be strong ... .you don't tell her what friends she can see or not see. You don't tell her what she can do or not do ... .exercise, run, eat, etc.  ucks gives some good advice ... .you can't loose your sense of self.  O NOT WAIT until you move away to put yourself together  ! Start today! There is no reason to wait ... .why put off tomorrow what you can do today?   As far is it long enough? Well only you can determine that Braz ... .it sounds like you have a lot of work to do on yourself ... .I don't know how fast you can do that ... .only you do. I would suggest to seek out some guidance & help of a therapist ... .any relationship with a BPD is difficult to manage or deal with or separate from. It is NOT ... .let me repeat this ... .IT IS NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS BUT AN INCREDIBLE SIGN OF PERSONAL STRENGTH!   BPD is a very serious behavioral illness and she'll need a lifetime of therapy for herself ... .chances are you are like a lot of us here ... .a codependent ... .a care giver ... .always putting others before yourself ... .you will give the shirt off your back ... .sacrifice your health mentally & physically to help others ... .and no one is there to help you when you need it. YOU need to take care of yourself ... .

No one can tell you what to do Braz ... .we can't walk this journey for you. The first thing you need to do in order to help yourself to make the right choices for Braz is encourage you to seek out professional guidance & help. Eat right and leave the fast food behind ... .GET SOME SLEEP!  No one can survive on 2-3 hours of sleep and hope to be anything else besides a zombie. Get some exercise to burn off some stress ... .surround yourself with good friends often ... .get out in the sun to help with your frame of mind ... .then you will start to think a little different ... .your path will becomes a little more clearer as the fog starts to dissipate ... .

JQ

[Climbmountains91]

Me and ex both ended up in hospital last year when we were both going through a breakdown, we had an argument previously. He blames me for him doing what he did to himself which was pretty bad but he did that to himself, like i did what i did to myself. I now have learned through therapy to accept my own destructive behaviour. It is not my fault what destructive things he does, his an 'adult', its all his own doing in the end. Same with me, same with all of us.

[brazbeliever]

Thanks to all of you!

JQ, I`ll need time to have a full understanding... .but great insights and tips! I am decided now to take care of myself.

Babyducks, thanks! That was a huge thread, but helped... .though I need some time too to assimilate all... .I know it isn't my fault, but at some level I feel responsible for that to, so, I hope time and knowledge would help me understanding better that I'm responsible for just me and my actions... .

Climbmountains91, sorry to hear about that. I hope you are better now. I won't deny that I my present behavior is self harming, though I don't do anything directly to go (at least for now) to a hospital. But I sabotage myself eating empty high calorie food and not exercising (special thanks to JQ, that made me realize that!).

So, I was reading other threads and coming to understanding the need of boundaries.

Do you think there is a boundary to when she cuts herself? I know now that running to her when she does so reinforces the probability of her doing it again.

Would that be a good thing telling her that if she cuts herself, I would call 911 from wherever I'm at and not go myself to her rescue?  

And what can I do when she starts calling me names and being verbally abuse just because I'm not by her side when she would expect (I don't have a cristal ball, after all, and as we don't live together and there is a lot of miles between us, sometimes I just need to wake up calmly and do thing my own pace)? Does it sound a good thing saying that if I wake up with abusive texts and/or if I'm having time for myself before I go see her and she doesn't respect that, I won't go at all?

I`d appreciate more insights on boundaries, if you could  . Thanks a lot for your help!

[babyducks]

I`d appreciate more insights on boundaries, if you could  . Thanks a lot for your help!

Hi braz, 

good question about boundaries.    here is what I know about boundaries.   they have to absolutely consistent,   they have to be about me, and they should usually start small because they are easier to defend that way.

boundaries should be expressed with "I" statements.   I feel, I think, I need.   In the past I have said things like this to my partner in response to abusive conversations.  "I will not have this conversation this way.  I will be back to talk more later,... .tomorrow,... .in an hour."   whatever  time was appropriate.   and then exit stage left.    Understand my partner didn't like it, and railed against that boundary.  I heard "you don't care about me and my needs/feelings"    "you never try to work things out with me"    which was my clue to keep moving and come back in an hour.   It was important to communicate that I was coming back to avoid triggering abandonment fears.   it was equally important to not stand there for verbal abuse.    I have said things like "when the conversation gets out of control like the one yesterday did, I feel upset and stressed so I need to leave the conversation until things calm down."   Notice I said things calm down, not you calm down.   

eventually this type of communication worked for my partner.  it took some trial and error.  to find language she was comfortable with.   and for her to understand that each time the conversation dsyregulated I was going to calmly assert my boundary and hold to it.   I had to reassure her I would be back.   that I wasn't leaving forever.

the boundary around cutting would be a little harder for me to format because I never actually had to do that one.  again I would stress it has to be something you are very very comfortable with, knowing that when you try to establish the boundary she will likely push it to see what type of response she gets from you.   this is where I would echo JQ and say a therapist of your own would be a great help.   

you would have to put any boundary into your own words and feelings but just for a rough idea, how does this feel to you?

I feel upset/sad/distressed when I see/hear about episodes of cutting.   Each time it happens I am going to let your psychiatrist know so he/she can help you.

Can you play with those ideas and make something that feels good to you?

'ducks

[brazbeliever]

Hi bayducks, thanks again.

Yes, its something I feel comfortable doing. Actually, when she cuts herself I already call to her psychiatrist.

I guess I`m trying to find a way to feel less manipulated and exhausted, and maybe I'm trying a quantic jump! 

I don't have money right now for a therapist, but I found a codependent group close to home, could that help?

[babyducks]

Hey braz,

If you already call her P, you can go to the next step and say I am going to take a walk, go for a swim,  while you and the P work on this together.    It gets you out of the cross fire and puts the ball back in her court.

Lots of members here report good results from codependent groups.

You are doing a great job of keeping the focus on what will help you.   Slow and steady and you will get there.