How do i co-parent with this 'man'?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Me and my EXBPDBF have a two and half year old daughter together.

She currently lives with my folks right now while I recieve intense Psychotherapy three days a week 10 til half 2. My parents live in Birmingham, i live in Derby. I travel down every Friday evening to Monday morning to spend time with her because obviously i miss her and remain that bond. Plus my folks work. I couldn't get childcare as social services only offered two weeks which is no good because i have a year of this therapy and his family that live in Derby have 'commitments'. Him on the other hand can't cope. He drinks every night to escape and it takes the pain away and our daughter apparently 'drains' him. His family don't see her often. My family out of the kindness of there hearts took it upon themselves to look after her so i could get myself right.  

I've had many conversations with him that its important that we keep consistent in our daughters life as she is becoming more aware of people so we set out a plan so he see's her every month. His done one month so far and off his own back. I'm done with badgering him like i used to about seeing her, i shouldn't have to. He said he'd come up last week but couldn't so he definielty said this week but nothing mentioned as of yet but hey we still have a day to go.

I feel like xbox, his mates etc... are more important to him than her and it takes all i have in me not to have a go at him and I know that will only stoop me to his level. He pays no child support as in his words 'i get the money for her so why should he have and will pay when things get more expensive when she's older'  though he has agreed to pay for half her nursery placement which is coming up.

It feels like he's replaying exactly what he's dad did to him and that he felt rejected by his dad, i feel his doing the same to our daughter. I want her dad in her life but i just want some consistency, he sometimes blames my situation ''oh she's in Birmingham and its just the situation', surely once a month? i do it every week! argh! sorry i'm just feeling furious, i know i shouldn't. I just want the best for my lil girl, i don't want her to have to go through what he did or i did, rejection and stuff.

I don't want to see him, i desperately want him out my life but i know i cant for our daughters sake. I feel like he's haulting my therapy for being in my life just seeing him once sets me back because he has been a bit of a drug as silly as that sounds. I just want to know what to do for the best?

[Climbmountains91]

Me and my EXBPDBF have a two and half year old daughter together.

She currently lives with my folks right now while I recieve intense Psychotherapy three days a week 10 til half 2. My parents live in Birmingham, i live in Derby. I travel down every Friday evening to Monday morning to spend time with her because obviously i miss her and remain that bond. Plus my folks work. I couldn't get childcare as social services only offered two weeks which is no good because i have a year of this therapy and his family that live in Derby have 'commitments'. Him on the other hand can't cope. He drinks every night to escape and it takes the pain away and our daughter apparently 'drains' him. His family don't see her often. My family out of the kindness of there hearts took it upon themselves to look after her so i could get myself right.  

I've had many conversations with him that its important that we keep consistent in our daughters life as she is becoming more aware of people so we set out a plan so he see's her every month. His done one month so far and off his own back. I'm done with badgering him like i used to about seeing her, i shouldn't have to. He said he'd come up last week but couldn't so he definielty said this week but nothing mentioned as of yet but hey we still have a day to go.

I feel like xbox, his mates etc... are more important to him than her and it takes all i have in me not to have a go at him and I know that will only stoop me to his level. He pays no child support as in his words 'i get the money for her so why should he have and will pay when things get more expensive when she's older'  though he has agreed to pay for half her nursery placement which is coming up.

It feels like he's replaying exactly what he's dad did to him and that he felt rejected by his dad, i feel his doing the same to our daughter. I want her dad in her life but i just want some consistency, he sometimes blames my situation ''oh she's in Birmingham and its just the situation', surely once a month? i do it every week! argh! sorry i'm just feeling furious, i know i shouldn't. I just want the best for my lil girl, i don't want her to have to go through what he did or i did, rejection and stuff.

I don't want to see him, i desperately want him out my life but i know i cant for our daughters sake. I feel like he's haulting my therapy for being in my life just seeing him once sets me back because he has been a bit of a drug as silly as that sounds. I just want to know what to do for the best?

[Climbmountains91]

So he said he's not seeing his daughter this weekend because he can't afford it and he's already told his nan he'd meet her along with his cousins. I would bet you £10 he goes out drinking on the Saturday night though, i'll just picture strangling him in my head. I know it shouldn't bother me but it does for our lil girl, i feel sorry for her.

[Turkish]

I feel sorry for your little girl, too... .but her r/s with her dad, or lack thereof, is on him, not you.

Your doing what you need to do right now, and being committed to being in your daughter's life as much as possible. Co-parenting with her dad doesn't seem like it's working. How does little D feel about him? Do you validate her feelings, whatever they are?

[Panda39]

I feel sorry for your little girl, too... .but her r/s with her dad, or lack thereof, is on him, not you.

I agree and I wanted to cheer you on about all the things that you are working on so you can be the best mom you can be 

I was married 20 years to an alcoholic that wasn't there even when he was there.  My son has had some issues but I know things would have been so much worse for him if I hadn't been there.  I certainly wasn't perfect (can we all say Co-dependent!) but I put my best foot forward when it came to my son and have improved my parenting skills since leaving my marriage. 

He is working part-time putting himself through community college and I'm very proud of him.

So I just want to encourage you to keep on doing what you are doing.  Focus on you and your little girl.

If there is one thing I've learned since being on this site it is that we can only control what we do and change what we do, we can not change other people that is up to them.  Keep focusing on you and your daughter, stop focusing energy on her dad... .let go of what he is or isn't doing because he is going to do what he is going to do you can't control it. (I know easier said than done  )

Keep up the good work 

Panda39

[Climbmountains91]

I feel sorry for your little girl, too... .but her r/s with her dad, or lack thereof, is on him, not you.

Your doing what you need to do right now, and being committed to being in your daughter's life as much as possible. Co-parenting with her dad doesn't seem like it's working. How does little D feel about him? Do you validate her feelings, whatever they are?

She's only two and a half but i know kids even at that age know/feel more than we think. I feel she doesn't have a bond with him, she knows who he is, I've shown her pics and instantly she says 'dada'' but when meeting up its painful to watch at times if i'm honest, there's just no bond, its like he's a stranger to her, she doesn't have that trust there with him, when around me, my mum, dad, nan etc... it seems like she can be herself. He doesn't have to do anything apart from a few hours of ''awww bless, yeah'' then buggers off. He doesn't know her at all. How can I  validate? a two year old if i can?

He says she's a blessing and all these wonderful things but the actions don't match.

Panda39 - Thank you muchly , I'm glad your son is doing well despite bumps that were in the road