Limiting access to grandparents to my children because BPD sister

[Sister1982]

Hi i have a BPD sister with bipolar mood disorder as well . i made a terrible mistake and moved into my parents home with my husband and 3 kids as we were inbetween homes , we sold our old apartment and bought one that is still being built . My sister has made our lives terrible and has turned my parents against me . We've decided to move into a rental unit and now I need to lie to my parents saying that the landlord has barred visitors so the sister doesn't come . She sticks to my parents like glue . I have yet to tell my parents that they can't pop by and I feel somewhat guilty as I feel that I am depriving my kids of seeing my parents and they r quite close . At the same time I feel a desperate need to draw some boundaries. I need to get away from my sister and she will come if she knows our new address .   

[Kwamina]

Hi Sister1982

This sounds like quite a stressful and unpleasant situation, dealing with your sister while temporarily living with your parents again.

You say she has BPD and is also bipolar. Has your sister been officially diagnosed with these disorders and is she currently being treated for her issues? Is she perhaps getting therapy?

Setting and enforcing/defending boundaries is indeed very important when dealing with someone with BPD. Boundaries help protect your own well-being. Would you generally say that setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with your sister or other people is something you are comfortable with doing?

It's very unfortunate that all of this is going on and is also impacting your relationship with your parents. Are your parents aware of the fact that your sister has BPD and bipolar disorder? Do you feel like your parents truly acknowledge that there is something wrong with your sister's behavior?

[Sister1982]

Dear kwamina thanks a lot for the reply !

First things first about my sister . She's been not quite right her entire life but when she was about 17 she started having a lot of issues some including getting into trouble with the law drugs sex shoplifting etc. she didn't go to school or work and it continued till she had a full blown manic episode requiring hospitalisation in a mental asylum at age 21 . She was diagnosed to be bipolar and stayed in hospital for 2 months then was on treatment mood stabilizes like epilim and lithium . I am a medical doctor tho psychiatry is not my specialty . She started gaining a lot of weight and became very quiet my parents were unhappy about the effects of treatment and felt that sending her to another country / environment to start afresh would work , she had met a boy in the UK and so she went with the intent of getting married . My parents paid for her to go thru a university course in art . She defaulted treatment after about 6 months on it I'm not sure who's decision it was parents or hers .

Prior to her diagnosis of bipolar and manic episode our relationship was strained and at the height of it she called the police saying that she felt threatened by me . The police took both our statements and each time there was conflict my parents would take her side and I was always seen as the unforgiving or difficult one . I was newly married without kids at that time and we were living with my parents , they chased us out and we have been living apart since , till now .

The reason I moved back here was because she was supposed to live happily ever after in the UK but no surprise , after a year of us living here in peace she returned , broke off the engagement 3 weeks before the wedding and insisted on getting married to another man , which she did . And the man moved in . We decided to move out when my parents started to become verbally abusive towards me as they felt that I was making my sister feel bad by ignoring her and refusing to let her interact with the children .

I had lunch with a friend who's a psychiatrist and she told me that the description of my sister could be BPD and when I read up it fit her exactly . I feel relieved because I just couldn't understand her behaviour and she wasn't really in mania yet she behaves very abnormally . My parents are not open to acknowledging anything is wrong and it's always as if I'm the difficult one . I feel very isolated , it's as if everyone is sane except me . My mother especially tends to go along with my sisters moods and aligns herself very closely to the sister . Sometimes I wonder if they have the same issues . My dad used to be more objective but lately he's been the one who is strongly attacking me .

I really appreciate ur response and I've really gotten a eureka moment lately ... Like oh so this is it . It's BPD and I understand it's strongly related to the bipolar disorder she had . There's also a strong family history . My parents seem to compare all behaviours to the one manic episode she had in hospital so whatever n however she behaves now , they compare that as a reference point and she seems "well" now compared to before . So it's difficult they will refuse to acknowledge there's an issue .

I really really appreciate ur insight !

[Kwamina]

Hi again Sister1982

I had lunch with a friend who's a psychiatrist and she told me that the description of my sister could be BPD and when I read up it fit her exactly . I feel relieved because I just couldn't understand her behaviour and she wasn't really in mania yet she behaves very abnormally . My parents are not open to acknowledging anything is wrong and it's always as if I'm the difficult one . I feel very isolated , it's as if everyone is sane except me . My mother especially tends to go along with my sisters moods and aligns herself very closely to the sister . Sometimes I wonder if they have the same issues . My dad used to be more objective but lately he's been the one who is strongly attacking me .

I really appreciate ur response and I've really gotten a eureka moment lately ... Like oh so this is it . It's BPD and I understand it's strongly related to the bipolar disorder she had . There's also a strong family history . My parents seem to compare all behaviours to the one manic episode she had in hospital so whatever n however she behaves now , they compare that as a reference point and she seems "well" now compared to before . So it's difficult they will refuse to acknowledge there's an issue .

I had the same kind of eureka moment when I found out about BPD 4 years ago. I always knew there was something wrong with my mother and sister but didn't know what. I knew about depression and anxiety but that only described part of their behavior. I read an article about BPD 4 years ago and it was a very surreal experience because it accurately described my family and personal experiences.

It unfortunately does seem that your parents are in denial about your sister's behavior, quite possibly also enabling your sister's dysfunction. How would your describe the relationship your sister has with your parents? You already mentioned how she sticks to them like glue.

Do you perhaps feel that your parents go along with your sister out of fear, obligation and or guilt? Here is an excerpt from our feature article about this subject:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Do you feel that this description applies to the dynamics between your parents and sister?

It's very sad and unfortunate that your parents also started to become verbally abusive towards you. This only makes it more important to have firm boundaries in place, also to protect your children.

Take care