Need some help with a big decision

[Cloudy Days]

Ok a little background, my husband has BPD and has been wanting to move from the state we live in pretty much since we have met. He didn't really make it clear until after we were married. He has been diagnosed with PTSD, Traumatic Brain Injury and BPD. That's a lot to deal with. He has never really been stable unless he has had Pot on a regular basis. I truly believe it is the best medicine for him. He's been taking pharmaceutical medications for awhile now and they all have bad side effects or they just plain don't work. We recently moved to a new home and I was hoping that this would be the thing that gave him something to live for. It's peaceful, no neighbors and lots of space. It seems to have backfired because he now hates our home and hates everything about it. He kind of went back and forth on the decision when we made the decision. He was happy for about a month and then it turned into a very dark depression and after being sober for about 3 years he's back to drinking. I truly don't think he can handle the amount of upkeep the place needs.

I have been offered the opportunity to take a job in Chicago. My husband is hell bent on doing it even though I am basically scared ___less about it. I have social anxieties, meeting new people, dealing with a new job is a frightening idea for me. But Medical Marijuana is legal in this state for Traumatic Brain Injury patients. He had a neuropych test done that the doctor claimed he had a TBI and he also has another doctor that supports him fully that he has been with for 4 years.

The pro's are that he would be able to use medical marijuana, I would probably get a small raise in pay, and there would be opportunities to move up in the company. It's a great company they take care of you well if you do your job well. But where I am at the moment, I cannot move up because I am the only person in this job. So I move and have the potential to move up in the company and my husband can have his personal choice of medicine. But I would have to leave my family which is scary to me and everyone I have ever known. Or I stay where I am, my husband stays unhappy, keeps drinking (he doesn't drink when he smokes pot) and I just stay in the same job for the rest of my life. But at least I am around people I know and love. I cannot have children so that is not an issue, we would have to get rid of two dogs, we have 5 and that's just too many to try and move unless we had more money to work with. It's a 9 hour drive from my mother so it wouldn't be impossible to visit.

I just need some advice from people who have partners like my husband. I don't really have any friends outside of my mother and his mother. I know that we would have a better life if he were to stop drinking and just smoke pot. He got into legal trouble and cannot smoke it unless it is prescribed. So there it is all laid out. How do I make this decision?

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[ColdEthyl]

Hello, Cloudy Days. You sure do a have a lot on your plate, hun *hugs*

I also have social anxiety... .and changing a job or relocating would also be terrifying to me. But, I'm also anti-social enough that I could pick up and leave, and I wouldn't miss anyone else around me too much except my household members (husband and kids)

I would say it depends on where your heart is. How are feeling about your marriage lately? Is it something you think you want to continue? If so, I'd say take the job. If not... .you might want to think a little bit longer about it.

[Cloudy Days]

I've always been devoted to the marriage. We have had some rocky times lately because he has been drinking. Truly the main struggles in our marriage have been because of his drinking. My father basically committed passive suicide from drinking alcohol so I hate alcohol. I don't drink anymore and this is something I know would stop if we moved and he was able to smoke pot. I know that it's not a miracle drug, but compared to everything else he has ever used it really is to us. He's happier, he's more social, he helps me out around the house when he does it. He is a completely different person compared to when he is taking pharmaceutical drugs. And he can't take nothing as his mind seems to go insane from his constant thoughts. His doctor said it probably works so well for him because it kind of slows things down and makes it manageable for him to think more clearly instead of being bombarded by thoughts all the time.

We have been talking about divorce lately because he wants to move out of state for this reason. He has been begging me for years to move to Colorado or California. Illinois wouldn't be my first choice to move to but says medical marijuana is legal for Traumatic Brain Injury. I am thinking I would like him to see a doctor first before we actually move out there though. Not sure how that would work.

I would miss my mother and brother, and my Grandma and my husband's mother is like my best friend. But I am not a social person so I don't have any friends that I would miss. I feel very torn about it though.

[Cat Familiar]

This is a tough decision.  

If you were not in this marriage, what would you choose to do?

How can you be sure that your husband won't continue drinking, even if he has access to weed?

Another thing that makes me wonder about your personal feelings in all this is the age and health of your mother, grandmother, and mother-in-law.

I don't want to be placing my spin on this, but reading your words makes me think you really don't want to move.  

[Hope26]

[I would say it depends on where your heart is. How are feeling about your marriage lately? Is it something you think you want to continue? If so, I'd say take the job. If not... .you might want to think a little bit longer about it]

-Quote from ColdEthyl.

[If you were not in this marriage, what would you choose to do?] - Quote from Cat Familiar.

Cloudy Days, I believe, as I think these two very wise ladies are suggesting, that you should really go with what is in your own heart and mind, taking H's temporary needs out of the equation if possible.  From all you have posted, your needs in your marriage have not been getting met for a long time.  Moving may seem like it has the potential of a magic cure for this, but is access to legal marijuana really going to fix everything?  On the other hand, if you anticipate the new job to be much more personally fulfilling, it might be worth a shot.  It has to be what's best for you, as the chief breadwinner and financially stable member of this partnership.  My 2 cents worth.

[Daniell85]

I have an anxiety disorder, too. I moved about a year ago to my mom's old home town, bringing her with me. My BPD boyfriend lives in Chicago and we are literally a 6 or so hour drive west of there.

I think of moving to Chicago part time, sometimes. I have traveled extensively, going out of O'Hare to other countries and around the US.

What I have found is that unfamiliarity with places... physically, mentally... create immense anxiety for me in terms of staying on a permanent basis. A psychologist I once saw for a while, spoke about psychological distances. Distance becomes very short in our thoughts, once we are familiar with something.

How soon do you need to decide on the job? Would it be possible to take a few weekend trips and get more familiar with Chicago?

I don't think you should do anything that you honestly are feeling will ruin the quality and basic enjoyment of your life.

Also, your husband and you are really open to divorce? Does that create some relief for you or are you even more upset at the thought of losing him?

[Grey Kitty]

How long is the job opportunity open to you?

As in when do you have to say "yes" or this opportunity hoes away?

[Cloudy Days]

I'm not sure, there are two job openings and I would have to sell my house which takes time to do so I would need to decide pretty quickly just so I could get the other things started of selling my house and finding a place to live in Chicago.

I don't know if my husband has been serious about divorce, it's something he has threatened to do our entire marriage. It's something I have basically stopped giving a crap about. If he leaves he leaves and he doesn't then that's fine too.

If I had this offer and I was by myself I might take it. But I also wouldn't be living in the home that I have now because I can't afford to live there and I would have control of all of the finances. I would look at it like a new start away from my husband. But that's not really the same as moving there with my husband. I haven't moved because I don't feel he is a reliable person. If I was married to someone who was reliable and I felt safe in all ways with, then I wouldn't have batted an eye at moving.

I do know he wouldn't drink anymore. In the past he went 4 years without drinking, he was smoking pot the entire time. He got into legal trouble so he can't smoke pot unless he is prescribed it by a doctor.