An update...and perhaps some hope for those who feel lost

[Cat21]

Hi there-

It's been a while since I've posted. I have a 3 month old baby, so I don't have a lot of free time these days! A quick back story: I've been on these boards for almost 2 years now; I came seeking help understanding my uBPD husband. In the 2 years since I started here for help, I've been successful in therapy, made some good progress in understanding myself and my role in our issues, and have generally discovered how I can be a better partner to someone who can't always be what I need.  I've also learned how to be more assertive and ask for help; something that has always been a problem for me. And- while having a child is in NO way a "fix", I will say that throughout the majority of my pregnancy, and now the first 3 months of our child's life, my husband has really made some great progress. I can't remember the last time he fixated on something small and insignificant, or the last time he criticized me for days on end about something ridiculous. He is a great father and I feel as though he as finally realized that sweating the small stuff just isn't always worth it.

Now, this isn't to say that we don't have any problems. His FOO has been the main source of discord between us (He has an NPD sister). But as far as our relationship goes, it's better. It's probably the best it's been since before we got married, and we've been married for 5 years.

Again- I do NOT recommend having a child to fix any kind of relationship. And, I know that 3 months is a drop in the bucket. I know there will be times when we will disagree how to parent and I may find myself feeling hopeless and angry. But, understanding my role and also WHY I feel the way I do/why I am affected by his actions has helped a lot. I have learned to let things go in a way that I just couldn't before. I think that, in turn, has helped him to do the same.

I hope this may offer some of you in a similar situation some hope!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Cat21- this is wonderful news and congratulations on the new addition to your family.

I think that a main contribution to your success is the personal work on you and your role in the relationship. This is what made the biggest difference for me and my relationship years after having babies.

Furthermore, the work I did has made me a better parent.

I agree that having a baby is a blessing, but not always a solution to a tough relationship. In fact, being a new mother was one of the lowest times of mine as my H interpreted my focus on the baby as a rejection of him at the time. I wish I understood then what I do now as I also would have responded to this differently, and not taken it so personally. However, even though there has been rough times between us, my H loves his family and is a good father.

However, working on myself has made a difference to me, my marriage, my parenting and relationships all around.

It is a gift to you to do it and a gift to your marriage and that baby. Congratulations and enjoy that snuggly little one.

[Cat Familiar]

Congratulations Cat on both the new little one and the wonderful progress you and your husband have made. Yes, it's truly amazing how much we can improve our relationships by working on ourselves. Thanks for checking in with your update.