Weekend Activities: Self injury and meltdowns

[Lostindirt]

I narrowly escaped another terrible Saturday night.  My uBPD GF changed her mind about going "out" last night. Her code for take me to a bar,  watch me drink beer, as soon as I hit the car I'll start mood cycling through melt downs including tears and rage, and if you are really lucky I will destroy property or threaten and possibly self injure. 

That little scenario happens 90% of the time we "go out". It always comes with a heartfelt morning apology and a vow to never drink again, but the next weekend she starts in again about going out.

It doesn't seem to matter how much she drinks I've seen it with as little as 1 beer.  That particular night I decided to stick to my guns and refused to take her out and the meltdown started. It ended with her cutting herself the only time she's done that since being with me.

I really am at a loss on a safe way to deal with this behavior.  The only thing I have figured out so far is to not respond once the meltdown starts.  Say as little as possible,  no matter what terrible thing flies out of her mouth,  and like I read somewhere here let her figure out her own self soothing.  Me quitting drinking has helped me to be less reactive and escalating.  Any thoughts or advice?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Alcohol and BPD is a horrible combination. My husband drinks nearly every night, but he's been more moderate in the last couple of years.

You're absolutely right to avoid engaging with a drunk BPD or even a slightly inebriated one. No good comes of any conversation with them in that state.

I've asked my husband why he drinks and he says it is like having a friend who is always there for him. Sad and pathetic though that is, it seems that pwBPD easily destroy friendships.

I have a theory why they drink. I think it takes so much energy for them to behave appropriately that they need to blow off steam with the alcohol.

[Lostindirt]

Cat,

I think you are right in away.  It's like the booze gives her a chance to dysregulate to the next level.  I also know that it's an old pattern of self regulating.  When she lived with her Family of Origin she would drink,  ruminate and self injure. So it's an old pattern except she knows I hate the SI so she says that she rages and breaks things instead of cutting.  Any suggestion of therapy and learning alternative coping skills of course is sacrilege. 

[Lostindirt]

One other thing I would add to this is that I would like to add leaving the house  for a break, but the problem is I think I would come back to a house full of broken things and a crying and bleeding girlfriend. Does anyone have a similar situation where they have found a successful plan for dealing with this behavior?

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Take her to an archery or shooting range.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Realized didnt address your question.  Yes, lot of success.  Even got her to stop her addiction, and group therapy.  In the end it didn't matter.  The relationship didn't work.   Unless your girl friend is doing appreciation and giving to you as well.  She does not love, but just loves having someone excepting her bad behavior, she feels like it exceptable, and when you except it, well that's even better.  My current partner takes med for those crazy headaches, the ones were if you don't take your meds you can function.  Yet she still does the most thoughtful loving things.  Even with all her problemss we talk and dream about our future and how to make the present the best it can be, plus apologies are real, and carried out and don't happen again.  My ex has a disorder, loved her with everything possible.  Yes she is better,  though the improved her has no place for me because she never really loved me enough, just enough that I excepted her disorder.  Hope this helps.

[Lostindirt]

Man Goodas You know this is the staying board right?    I hear you on all those points and struggle with them every day. I'm glad you didn't leave it at archery and shooting ranges that was looking a little ominous. 

Really with this post I was looking for any sort of action plan that has helped others curb that kind of behavior in their spouse or help with what to do to protect everybody involved when she starts the meltdowns. 

[Cat Familiar]

What seems to trigger the meltdowns, other than drinking?

Can you do some activity where neither of you drink?

I used to see the self-harming behavior with my husband. He would get angry with me and hit himself in the head and say, "Is this what you want? You hate me."

It was so crazy and so disturbing, I didn't know what to do. I tried everything I could think of: placating, telling him I loved him, trying to hug him (which was dangerous to both of us), acting crazy myself. Nothing worked, it just got weirder, louder, crazier.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.   

What ultimately worked for me was reading the lessons and modifying my behavior. I had no clue that I was saying and doing things that undermined his sense of self-worth. Certainly the things that I said and did would not have had that affect upon someone who didn't have a personality disorder. Now, I'm able to catch things before he starts going off and redirect him.

Previously, it might have been something as simple as having a different opinion about a political candidate and he thought I was telling him he was stupid or uninformed. I have to be that self-aware. It's not that I don't express a difference of opinion, but that I need to validate him when I can see he's feeling insecure about himself and wondering if I really care about him. It definitely can be exhausting, and not something you need to attend to with a healthy individual, but we did choose these relationships, why? Ultimately it's making me a better communicator and a better, more compassionate person, but it's a challenge at times.