where is the lesson

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been encouraged to post a debrief of my experience. It is with agony that i recollect my first and last relationships with a pwBPD. I apologise if i go on but i will try and be as brief as possible.  I know the detail in others stories helped me feel like i wasn't crazy

I guess i am the typical poster boy for this situation, sold my business for a considerable sum three years ago, divorced, 48 and wondering what exciting things life had in store for me. Ill throw in the disclaimer that i had managed to get through life without any immediate experience of people with mental health. Then i met who i thought was the most beautiful considerate intuitive woman id ever met. I quickly feel in love even though there we warning signs. Her mirroring of my hopes and dreams was uncanny. Within weeks of knowing each other i was financially supporting her and carrying the load which seemed to had been passed off by her family, confusing to me at the time but now makes perfect sense. The first 8 months seemed perfect but in hindsight there were lots of conflicting situations, behaviours not asceptable in a normal two way relationship. Mistakingly i  CHOOSE to ignore these because of my infatuation with her. The next 12 months she fell into a state of depression and insecurity accusing me of being unfaithful with every person i met so begins the cycle of conflict.  At this stage I decided that we either needed to seperate or i should make a commitment and relocate her from nz to Australia whereby i thought we could live happily ever after. She then disclosed that she had a low grade of bp. I had no idea at the time so took her to see her phyciatrist who informed me that her life choices (20 years a champagne socialite) had not helped her and if she did not change her mental health would continue deterioate.

So we relocated to my home in australia whereby initially things we good she was focused on healthy choices and her moods seem to stabilise. Six months in and i noticed that she was getting bored so i suggested maybe she should consider some self development courses in order to gain some purpose. Reluctantly she went on a few courses but never came home with any motivation, what i did notice was that when we were with friends she would dellusionally talk about herself and her previous life as a self motivated high achiever however i know the truth was she got through 20yrs of free drinks and parties based on her looks. This got tiring and numerous conversations were had about this each time i tried to frame it based on a premise if you want to ok be the sort of person who works in charities then lets find a way.

Unknown to me at the time this was when she started telling friends that she was being abused controlled and that i was a liar and not to be trusted. The most unbelievable part of this is that i actually tollerate it as i loved her and thought she was unwell and that it was just a phase we needed to push through.

These episodes now escalated as unbenownst to me she was drinking with her friends again. Que the police, the first time she called the police on me we had an argument id gone for a walk and she called them claiming i had hit her. The police saw sense and nothing happended. The second time again we had an argument and i had gone to work and the police could see no sign of abuse. The third and final time she called the police we had an argument, id gone for a walk and when i return she had destroyed the house given herself bruises and claimed id raped her. I was charged with a DVO which was overturned a week later because of no evidence plus the fact that i wasnt even there. After this i asked her to leave, she went back to nz and for six weeks partied with her friends and told horrific stories of abuse depravation and rape. Whilst calling me every night abusing me demanding that i support her financially whilst she was getting medical help for herself. In the 7th week i noticed she had withdrawn 80k from our joint account. I called her and queried it she claimed it was for her doctors bills, i decided to check called her doctor who told me she actually owed 8k, she was kind enough to have a conversation with me obviously at the end of her tether with my ex. She revealled that she had BP as i knew bjt also had scitzophenia with developing BPD and npd combined with dellusions of granduer, she advised i pull away as i was her enabler. I took her advice and closed the bank account the next day, my ex x called me that day and said the relationship was over id ruined her life and i needed to go and get help. Since then weve been NC for 4 weeks however on saturday she sent a number of nasty texts stating that i need to stop stalking her and move on, now i live 2000miles away. I did not respond.

Now i am focused on myself and rebuilding but she has left me in pieces doubting myself upset that her friends think that I am a horrible abusive person plus wondering how someone co Ild go from loving me to wantingly destroying the escence of me.

I've read your information but it makes no sense, even as recently as Saturday she stated that id destroyed her dream life, the reality it was her with the police eposides which were too much for me.

Help me understand please anyone

[Didntdeservethat]

I've been encouraged to post a debrief of my experience. It is with agony that i recollect my first and last relationships with a pwBPD. I apologise if i go on but i will try and be as brief as possible.  I know the detail in others stories helped me feel like i wasn't crazy

I guess i am the typical poster boy for this situation, sold my business for a considerable sum three years ago, divorced, 48 and wondering what exciting things life had in store for me. Ill throw in the disclaimer that i had managed to get through life without any immediate experience of people with mental health. Then i met who i thought was the most beautiful considerate intuitive woman id ever met. I quickly feel in love even though there we warning signs. Her mirroring of my hopes and dreams was uncanny. Within weeks of knowing each other i was financially supporting her and carrying the load which seemed to had been passed off by her family, confusing to me at the time but now makes perfect sense. The first 8 months seemed perfect but in hindsight there were lots of conflicting situations, behaviours not asceptable in a normal two way relationship. Mistakingly i  CHOOSE to ignore these because of my infatuation with her. The next 12 months she fell into a state of depression and insecurity accusing me of being unfaithful with every person i met so begins the cycle of conflict.  At this stage I decided that we either needed to seperate or i should make a commitment and relocate her from nz to Australia whereby i thought we could live happily ever after. She then disclosed that she had a low grade of bp. I had no idea at the time so took her to see her phyciatrist who informed me that her life choices (20 years a champagne socialite) had not helped her and if she did not change her mental health would continue deterioate.

So we relocated to my home in australia whereby initially things we good she was focused on healthy choices and her moods seem to stabilise. Six months in and i noticed that she was getting bored so i suggested maybe she should consider some self development courses in order to gain some purpose. Reluctantly she went on a few courses but never came home with any motivation, what i did notice was that when we were with friends she would dellusionally talk about herself and her previous life as a self motivated high achiever however i know the truth was she got through 20yrs of free drinks and parties based on her looks. This got tiring and numerous conversations were had about this each time i tried to frame it based on a premise if you want to ok be the sort of person who works in charities then lets find a way.

Unknown to me at the time this was when she started telling friends that she was being abused controlled and that i was a liar and not to be trusted. The most unbelievable part of this is that i actually tollerate it as i loved her and thought she was unwell and that it was just a phase we needed to push through.

These episodes now escalated as unbenownst to me she was drinking with her friends again. Que the police, the first time she called the police on me we had an argument id gone for a walk and she called them claiming i had hit her. The police saw sense and nothing happended. The second time again we had an argument and i had gone to work and the police could see no sign of abuse. The third and final time she called the police we had an argument, id gone for a walk and when i return she had destroyed the house given herself bruises and claimed id raped her. I was charged with a DVO which was overturned a week later because of no evidence plus the fact that i wasnt even there. After this i asked her to leave, she went back to nz and for six weeks partied with her friends and told horrific stories of abuse depravation and rape. Whilst calling me every night abusing me demanding that i support her financially whilst she was getting medical help for herself. In the 7th week i noticed she had withdrawn 80k from our joint account. I called her and queried it she claimed it was for her doctors bills, i decided to check called her doctor who told me she actually owed 8k, she was kind enough to have a conversation with me obviously at the end of her tether with my ex. She revealled that she had BP as i knew bjt also had scitzophenia with developing BPD and npd combined with dellusions of granduer, she advised i pull away as i was her enabler. I took her advice and closed the bank account the next day, my ex x called me that day and said the relationship was over id ruined her life and i needed to go and get help. Since then weve been NC for 4 weeks however on saturday she sent a number of nasty texts stating that i need to stop stalking her and move on, now i live 2000miles away. I did not respond.

Now i am focused on myself and rebuilding but she has left me in pieces doubting myself upset that her friends think that I am a horrible abusive person plus wondering how someone co Ild go from loving me to wantingly destroying the escence of me.

I've read your information but it makes no sense, even as recently as Saturday she stated that id destroyed her dream life, the reality it was her with the police eposides which were too much for me.

Help me understand please anyone

[Skip]

I've read your information but it makes no sense, even as recently as Saturday she stated that id destroyed her dream life, the reality it was her with the police eposides which were too much for me.

Help me understand please anyone

Wow.

Blaming you makes sense in that she doesn't have to face herself as the cause of her own downfall. That is not at all unusual. The more you defend, the more credibility you give it - the more you expose her, the more she needs to shift it to you. I'd keep it simple, she made three false DV calls - you can't run the risk of a fourth.

She revealled that she had BPD as i knew, but also had scitzophenia with developing npd

This is really serious - Schizophrenia - have you seens signs of this?

[musherx]

I imagine one lesson is to get away as much as possible from this person. She seems to exhibit grandiosity and may have NPD traits. My father was NPD and schizophrenic. That's a very dangerous combination.

My experience with my exgf pwBPD has been staggering. Like many on this forum, I have done a lot of self examination. I found a few books to be very, very helpful. These are "Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Narcissist",  "The White Knight Syndrome" and "Healing Your Emotional Self". It also seems that you are feeling traumatized and disoriented. If so, I suggest finding a therapist you can work with that is an experienced EMDR practitioner.