How best to support a friend with BPD?

[Dolicky]

Sorry if this isn't the correct forum. Feel free to move it.

I have a newish friend who suffers from BPD and anxiety. I care about this person deeply although not in a 'relationship' type way (it's mutual so that's all clear). We get along well, and I'm learning more about BPD, but I have some questions about how to deal with certain behaviours in an effective way.

I've been reading about validation which has been a real eye opener for me. What I struggle with however is when to step in and help, and when to pull back, particularly in times of crisis. For example, I might get a text saying that a pile of things have gone wrong and that she's struggling. I could easily drive over and help fix some things, but I know that's not always the best way to help her - she needs to learn to navigate these challenges herself. However, when it's approaching a point of crisis and an anxiety episode is around the corner, what do I do?

I can give encouragement and support, and sometimes guide her in how to resolve the problem if she's in a receptive mindset, but if the problem still persists, it's left hanging there and potentially still causing issues or anxiety for her (e.g. computer's broken and she has a project to complete). It feels so meaningless to offer support and nice words in those circumstances. What's worse, is that I'm afraid of things progressing to a point where she has an episode.

Are there any guidelines on how to best help a BPD sufferer in a circumstance like this - when to support/encourage vs stepping in? Really, any advice or bits of info to get me thinking along the right lines would be useful right now.

Thanks!

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[foggydew]

Well, not everything has to do with BPD in life, so why not respond as you would to someone who didn't have the disorder? Whatever that response would be... then you are being authentic, following your nature, doing what you feel good with... .if there is an adverse situation afterwards resulkting from the disorder, then is the time to consider how to react.

[waverider]

Dolicky

Good on you for wanting to support a friend like this. It is not an easy thing to do.

It is a good question you raise, are you rescuing, enabling or supporting is often a difficult line to determine. Most of it goes against your nurturing insincts.

My wife once said to me "stop enabling me to be disabled"... this was quite insightful at the time. This was later followed up with a characteristic trait of complaining I didn't care about her when I didn't jump to meet her impulsive needs by following her request. This is the difficulty with BPD, it is very contradictory. You have to be sound in your own guideines and dont hope to be 'advised" by your person with BPD

A link for you to read

SELF-AWARE: Are you supporting or enabling?

Waverider

[Dolicky]

Thank you both for the responses.

Yes, deal with it as I would deal with any non BPD person.

The enabling vs supporting thing is really interesting. I definitely lean towards enabling, I want to avoid pain and conflict and help others to avoid it too. That's something I will need to work on.

Let's take a situation ... .

A. If the pain arises from something "normal" like catching a train which she need to become comfortable at doing, then me driving her instead so she avoids her anxiety probably isn't the best response for me.

B. What if her phone is dead and she knows that chatting on the phone will help her cope during a train trip (it's a baby step, facing the train but getting some support)? That's the situation I was in, and whilst I enjoyed seeing her and driving with her, it may not have been the best thing I could do for her longterm.

[waverider]

One of the most important things is that you are aware of the difference, so that when you make a call what you are doing and so can moderate it. You dont want to get too hung up on not enabling at all... .You can't address everything. Too much change can cause severe anxiety. Once you are aware you can make an educated judgement call.

Some areas I support, some I do allow myself to enable. I am not her therapist or life coach. My job is to provide a healthy and enjoyable life for us both. By knowing you are making a choice between support and enabling, you are controlling YOUR life better. Choice is the keystone to controlling your life.

The better your life is the better hers will be by association. If you are stressing over the indecision of enabling vs support, that stress will have a flow on effect. awareness is the key, this will subconsciously affect your choices so you lessen the enabling component and evolve into more supportive actions. It wont happen overnight. Neither will it be ever be complete (its not a boot camp), but change is progress, and progress is rewarding. A rewarding life is a good life.

[Dolicky]

Thought I would report back briefly.

Now whilst we haven't had any serious attacks, the thoughts mentioned in this thread have been incredibly useful more generally. I no longer feel too helpless, and even though I can't solve or fix every issue, just recognising the differences between whether I am being supportive or enabling has been very helpful.

One thing I noticed, and I'm not sure if it's a BPD thing, is the literalness that things are taken as. For example, I might say "Let me know if you need anything." The response will invariably be "What do I need?" Is literalness a common feature of BPD sufferers?