A different perspective on this situation.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Today I woke up and I feel a bit different. I have been thinking that I handled things poorly. Blaming myself for missing red flags, and wanting her back... .but I can now see why I did a lot of those things:

1. With her first rage, it was time for finals... .stress gets to everybody and I marked it off on that. Before this, the girl was exactly what I was looking for. How could I just quit talking to her after losing it for a day in a highly stressful time?

2. When she started moving fast, I knew it was kinda off... .but I didn't know what it meant. This was the very first relationship I was in (and she knew this). I could not have known that this was something to run from, I thought it was a good thing. Is it such a bad thing that I thought someone was really into me?

3. When she told me about her being abused as a child, I should've been cautious. Again though, I had no idea BPD existed and I didn't want to shut out the first girl I had been interested in because she had a bad childhood. Should I just assume that everybody that has been abused is crazy? My father was bipolar and abusive at times, but I am not near as hurtful as her.

4. A lot of the lies I didn't uncover until after our final break up. Of course there were some obvious lies she told me, but they were about things that really didn't matter at all. And I still couldn't prove a lot of the lies during the relationship. I can however prove lies she told me when she contacted me again months later.



I feel like I have been too hard on myself. It's not like I have been desperately wanting to date anyone. Most of my mistakes were after the relationship, such as:

1. Repeatedly trying to contact her when I was upset. A lot of times switching from pathetic to saying hurtful things.

2. Hoping that she would contact me back.

3. Forgiving her for when she did contact me back. Not realizing that after you break up the first time, unless something significant changed... .it will be the same or worse.


In fact, I feel I did pretty well considering the conditions:

1. The thing that broke us up for good was when I set an ultimatum that she had to respect me or I would leave. Granted when she decided to leave I got upset she chose that option, but I did set a boundary that protected myself.

2. When my replacement from Alaska texted me telling me not to physically harm her, I kept it civil. I did tell him that she was insane, but  it was a mature conversation between two adults.

3. I apologized for all of my wrongs after the fact. Everything I said hurtful, I owned up to it.

4. When she called me a week later saying she didn't want to talk anymore, I took it much better. I didn't ask why, I didn't get emotional. I just thanked her for calling me and not doing it over text and goodbye. A massive improvement.

5. Aside from when we first broke up, I have not had any unsolicited contact with her. When I miss her I either come on this site or just process it. From her point of view, I have completely moved on.

6. I didn't let her ruin me. All I lost was 6 miserable months. I didn't marry her, I didn't put myself in any legal jeopardy, and I have no ties to her besides our university.

7. I have potentially figured out what it was. I went looking for answers and I found them. I am not brushing this off as an "oh well", I learned what to watch out for, I learned how to handle a very intense breakup, and I learned how important a childhood is to someones mental development.

I should be thankful that this didn't end up much worse for me. I loved her, and a think a part of me always will, but life doesn't work that way. This was basically a crash course in relationships. The people here have been a huge help in my healing, and I'm sure you guys will continue. Thank you.

[Schermarhorn]

Today I woke up and I feel a bit different. I have been thinking that I handled things poorly. Blaming myself for missing red flags, and wanting her back... .but I can now see why I did a lot of those things:

1. With her first rage, it was time for finals... .stress gets to everybody and I marked it off on that. Before this, the girl was exactly what I was looking for. How could I just quit talking to her after losing it for a day in a highly stressful time?

2. When she started moving fast, I knew it was kinda off... .but I didn't know what it meant. This was the very first relationship I was in (and she knew this). I could not have known that this was something to run from, I thought it was a good thing. Is it such a bad thing that I thought someone was really into me?

3. When she told me about her being abused as a child, I should've been cautious. Again though, I had no idea BPD existed and I didn't want to shut out the first girl I had been interested in because she had a bad childhood. Should I just assume that everybody that has been abused is crazy? My father was bipolar and abusive at times, but I am not near as hurtful as her.

4. A lot of the lies I didn't uncover until after our final break up. Of course there were some obvious lies she told me, but they were about things that really didn't matter at all. And I still couldn't prove a lot of the lies during the relationship. I can however prove lies she told me when she contacted me again months later.



I feel like I have been too hard on myself. It's not like I have been desperately wanting to date anyone. Most of my mistakes were after the relationship, such as:

1. Repeatedly trying to contact her when I was upset. A lot of times switching from pathetic to saying hurtful things.

2. Hoping that she would contact me back.

3. Forgiving her for when she did contact me back. Not realizing that after you break up the first time, unless something significant changed... .it will be the same or worse.


In fact, I feel I did pretty well considering the conditions:

1. The thing that broke us up for good was when I set an ultimatum that she had to respect me or I would leave. Granted when she decided to leave I got upset she chose that option, but I did set a boundary that protected myself.

2. When my replacement from Alaska texted me telling me not to physically harm her, I kept it civil. I did tell him that she was insane, but  it was a mature conversation between two adults.

3. I apologized for all of my wrongs after the fact. Everything I said hurtful, I owned up to it.

4. When she called me a week later saying she didn't want to talk anymore, I took it much better. I didn't ask why, I didn't get emotional. I just thanked her for calling me and not doing it over text and goodbye. A massive improvement.

5. Aside from when we first broke up, I have not had any unsolicited contact with her. When I miss her I either come on this site or just process it. From her point of view, I have completely moved on.

6. I didn't let her ruin me. All I lost was 6 miserable months. I didn't marry her, I didn't put myself in any legal jeopardy, and I have no ties to her besides our university.

7. I have potentially figured out what it was. I went looking for answers and I found them. I am not brushing this off as an "oh well", I learned what to watch out for, I learned how to handle a very intense breakup, and I learned how important a childhood is to someones mental development.

I should be thankful that this didn't end up much worse for me. I loved her, and a think a part of me always will, but life doesn't work that way. This was basically a crash course in relationships. The people here have been a huge help in my healing, and I'm sure you guys will continue. Thank you.

[problemsolver]

At the end of the day life's about perspectives... I would say just look at it as a learning experience (easier said then done of course) but if you keep thinking positive you will be on the right track