Recently Seperated

[KaishaMikasa]

So after 18 yrs of marriage my BPD wife and I are divorcing.  She has been moved out of the house now for nearly a week and today she is coming with a moving van to pick up her furniture.  However, we both work at home and she has been here during the day because she has no wifi.  The divorce was along time coming but what pushed me over the edge was that she started having an affair with an old boyfriend and gong to bars almost nightly.  I will spare you the details but she assures me it never got physical.  Here is where I am having issues.  She is completely delusional.  She is saying things to me and my sons like " it is no ones fault no one cheated on anyone", " I will still go on family vacations and holidays with you" and she is reaching out to my friends on social media.  At the same time she is mad at the kids intermittently because they were sending me text messages while I was out of town about her behavior.  In fact when my 16 yr old tried to hug her on the night I got home and we announced the divorce she shoved him then wrote him a huge diatribe text message.  Yesterday when she was over working she lay on the bed and said she wanted to talk to me but didn't know if she should.  Finally she told me she was upset because her boyfriend cancelled their date because he was afraid of me! That's right she is made at me for running off her boyfriend.  By the way I did not threaten him I did send him a text with pictures of screenshots of their conversations.  Now I will say that for some reason I do feel bad for her.  I know she is crushingly lonely and depressed.  Also appearently my fault.  I want to know if any of you still feel like helping them and should we?  Also do they ever realize they are wrong take blame, feel shame it hit Rick bottom and get help?

[Teereese]

  ehartma5, sorry you are going through this. Separation is a tough situation.

Know that everything is not your fault. Your wife would like you to feel that way.

I experienced similar with my stbxh.

He would send horrible texts to our daughter - only the oldest. He would disclose his twisted thoughts to our daughters and try to guilt and shame them.

I feel bad for him. He is stuck in his BPD world and thinking.

I felt that I could help him for years. I learned that I could not. The relationship was toxic and not salvageable. For me, helping him is low contact (due to divorce, some contact has to be made.)

I believe he internally accepted blame and felt shame but that only brought him deeper into his dysregulation. He could not maturely process his emotions. He would never admit (to me) being wrong and I believe never will.

I hoped he would hit rock bottom for years and get help. He would seem to hit rock bottom but always found a new supply of enablers that would think they could help him.

He had several chances at getting help but manipulated the situation and turned away. For him, help was being told what he wanted to hear and agreeing with his thinking, which is not help at all.