FightingForHer - My daughter needs help.

[FightingForHer]

  Thank GOD I found all of you!  Wow, where to begin?  I have had emotional problems all of my life... .depression/anxiety and possible borderline personality disorder.  Have learned to finally deal with it as I have gotten older but it's my daughter who really needs help.  She and I have had a mostly verbal abusive relationship.  Don't get me wrong... .lots of love and tears involved.  Have tried to make her understand how it's been for me, how I have overcome my issues and struggle daily to keep it going.  But, I see now she has it so much worse than I ever had.  No formal diagnoses yet but the symptoms I typed into Google lead me here.  We are a very close family and I have been in my children's life every step of the way... .fighting for them.  So when issues arose during school I did everything possible such as school counsellors to help, worked with teachers.  We had no money to see a real counselor and the same is true today so am trying my best to do this myself.  In her teens she started cutting herself, was that ever scary and I followed her like a hawk... .fearing suicide.  She always kept to herself, never interested in what the family was doing no matter how hard I tried to pull her in.  Never wanting or seeking affecting, always rejecting any I gave.  All the while thinking depression as she slept all the time and played video games I let her have space as any sort of trying from me worsened her.  I found out she did not stop cutting herself, also found out she is gay.  I had a hard time with that but finally accepted it or stand the chance of loosing her.  She had gotten into a long term relationship with another girl who she thought was her forever.  She was in high school and we moved to a different county with not so nice schools.  The girlfriends mother offered to let my daughter live with her and continue in the same school until she graduated.  Worse mistake of my life!  She goes on for 7 years in this relationship until things fell apart and the girlfriend ended it which wound up with my daughter putting her hand through a window, being arrested, court time... .ect which is where my daughter comes back into my life.  We brought her back home, me thinking I could use love and helpfulness to overcome all this... .was not to be had.  She yearned for this girl and still does, says she lost the best thing she ever had and won't find again.  The other girl has married another and my daughter still will not let this go.  More recently my daughter just confided to me that she cannot stop being a whore, she binge eats, hates herself.  Because of the constant arguing between the 2 of us I found my daughter a really nice place to live... .for my sanity and hers.  But again in our chat she says that she loves her job but it's when she is alone that it's really, really bad for her.  Now I have guilt that I forced her out.  But being that I am 50 years old one starts to think of not being around much longer and where would my daughter be if we continued to coddle her?  She herself has said to me that she would never have become responsible while living with us.  At times during her life within the 3 years she lived with me she has gone to clubs with " friends" and taken drugs, she drank alcohol for a long time, and still cuts herself from time to time.  She has threatened me with violence when at her worst and yet can be the sweetest girl I ever knew the next.  She loves both her father and I deeply and I am so much more aware of it as she expresses it in her texts.  Her Dad and I have been married 24 years and while we have had our ups and downs it's always been trying to do for and help our kids.  We are not financially well off and neither is my daughter.  So counsellors are out of the question.  We have a government one here if you want to wait 6 months to get in but once your in they do group sessions for 8 weeks... .then reevaluate to see if you need more time, but there is only so far you can go with that.  I tried to get help for myself but would need 1 on 1 sessions.  My greatest fear now that she is living on her own is getting that call one day... .someone telling me my daughter is dead.  She tried suicide once, I hope she never tries again.  Any advice, direction... .is greatly appreciated.  Thank you! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Fightingforher,

Glad that you are here and telling us about your daughter and your relationship with her.

While I understand that your focus is on helping her, the truth is that first we have to help ourselves.  Our own struggles are similar to our children's whether we have depression, anxiety, or some of the traits of BPD.  It is the emotional damage and reality of the limitations that keep us suffering.  Through skills acquirement we can get relief just as they can.

You are in a position to have the most affective positive influence for your daughter.  Through modeling skills you can lead her towards change and recovery.  Finding the resources you need is challenging, I get that.  How determined and committed you are will play a significant role in how much change you can achieve for yourself and model for your daughter.  It is a tall order and won't be accomplished overnight.  If you are up to the challenge we will be here to help you. 

To sum it up, we cannot give what we do not have.  Around here we say "put your oxygen mask on first".



lbjnltx

[FightingForHer]

Hello lbjnltx, thank you for your reply.  Facing my own struggles it is too much on me most days to try and get things accomplished.  It is just my husband and I now as both children are moved out but even he relies on me for everything.  Even though it wears me down I do these things as I want them to be happy and succeed.  But in the case of my daughter, even through example, how do you help someone who shuts all doors and ideas out?  Have always said and struggled with... .how do you help someone who does not want to help self?   

Hello Fightingforher,

Glad that you are here and telling us about your daughter and your relationship with her.

While I understand that your focus is on helping her, the truth is that first we have to help ourselves.  Our own struggles are similar to our children's whether we have depression, anxiety, or some of the traits of BPD.  It is the emotional damage and reality of the limitations that keep us suffering.  Through skills acquirement we can get relief just as they can.

You are in a position to have the most affective positive influence for your daughter.  Through modeling skills you can lead her towards change and recovery.  Finding the resources you need is challenging, I get that.  How determined and committed you are will play a significant role in how much change you can achieve for yourself and model for your daughter.  It is a tall order and won't be accomplished overnight.  If you are up to the challenge we will be here to help you. 

To sum it up, we cannot give what we do not have.  Around here we say "put your oxygen mask on first".



lbjnltx

[lbjnltx]

Because you can relate to your daughter's struggles you are in a position of understanding.  It really helps to take a more global/philosophical perspective.

Relationships are living, evolving, organisms.  If one person in the relationship changes then ... .the relationship changes.  If you interact within the relationship differently then the relationship becomes different.

Letting go of the idea that you are responsible for her feelings while accepting that you are responsible for your actions/inactions that contribute to her feelings is sometimes a difficult thing to differentiate, there is a big difference. 

There are no guarantees that your daughter will pick up the skills you model and she will be affected by them as you practice them in your relationship with her.  At the very least, acquiring the skills will help you. Yes?

[FightingForHer]

Well... .not to the extent she is going through things but I can relate to some of it.  She being much worse than I ever have been.  Will just have to keep trying, it's all I can think to do and keep reading/learning.   Thanks for your help.   

[infiniteeyes]

Hello and welcome fightingforher

Your daughter does sound like a lovely girl and sweet girl indeed who has been through quite a lot in her life so far.

She is lucky to have a mum like you who cares and who has that special insight into her illness and difficulties. Have you looked into DBT courses? I found they helped my dd and I when things were pretty bad especially with the self harming.