dislocated identity

[emergent]

I sometimes get the feeling that my exPBDw has dislocated her sense of identity and it's somewhere within my own identity. We are still living in the same house. I should also note that we are both women. Just by way of example (but I could give dozens more), I have always been a musical person, and have over the past two years or so gotten much more into playing new instruments and back to taking music lessons. Historically, she has alternately resented that I do this thing I enjoy and expressed pure hatred of me for it. But over the past few months, since I announced I am leaving her, she has taken up the guitar again (it's been a very long time since she played, and she's never been particularly good at it) and seems to be trying to use that as a means of solace. She has never figured out how to self-soothe, but it seems like she's looking to what I do for an answer for herself. I'd be very happy for her, if music were her thing and if it were working, but it's not. She spends 75% of her playing time frustrated and cursing because it's not coming out right.

I have tried for 15 years to soothe her and help her find ways to soothe herself, and nothing has worked. I truly wish this music thing was working, and that she could find herself in it. I truly wish she had at least an idea of who she is, something she could build a life of her own on once I'm gone. But all of the signs I've ever seen have shown that this is hopeless. It's sad. It's more than sad, it's tragic. It's in moments like these when I can reflect, when the conflict is not in progress, that I am able to see just how tragic it is.

It has also been a very big weight on me for a very long time, feeling that I have the burden of two people's identity at once.

Have you experienced this?

[CharWood]

I am too living in the house with my BPDx and this will last at least through the end of the year (though she has stated she fully intends to follow me out of state when I move and be "roommates and best friends."  We were together 4 years. I realized after this current break up (which happened back in mid July) that the identity I thought she possessed is seemingly a sham. I am not sure how much of the woman I knew over 4+ years is fake and how much is real. It is very sad. Even her taste in music abruptly changed... .I am very athletic and work out a lot. I noticed that she took up this hobby (though it ebbed and flowed... .she usually would do it gung ho for a while then quit and binge eat junk food and back and forth). I am not sure how much into fitness she was prior to me but I know she at least played basketball and sports throughout her school years. She used to dress very athletically when we just bummed around the house or ran errands like I did. This has since changed. I had always wished she would grow up a bit and mature her clothing style a bit more. I noticed she took this to the extreme after our break up, wearing blazers and women's professional clothing, although she no longer holds a professional job (works more of a min. wage or slightly above type job at the moment and has since our breakup). She has started wearing accessory jewelry and putting on a lot more make up... .doing up her nails. It is like she is trying to give off the image that she is sophisticated, ambitious and has herself together when the exact opposite is actually true (she dropped out of college, she has become stagnant and her life is a mess).  The odd thing though: when she had a dating profile up, she was looking for someone who liked EVERY SINGLE STINKING ONE of my interests and hobbies. it was insane. And it was like, none of her replacement attempts were the same as me - had my personality, educational background, and interests... .so she has currently given up (sort of. she still texts internet weirdos she met off of pof or instagram from time to time but moreso for attention,,,none live anywhere near us).

But yes, I do see what you are saying. My ex absolutely constructed this ideal woman she thought I would like, though some of the beliefs, ideas, hobbies or interests she purported to hold or enjoy I believe were genuine, and kind of took on this identity. I think she has been living in it for so long, its comfortable to her. Its all very strange.

I do not necessarily feel sorry for my ex, because she has treated me very poorly and her push-pull routine has been a roller coaster I am ready to get off of, however I do see what you are saying... .it would be difficult for her to build her own life once im gone. I do not feel she would be very happy with a replacement who is nothing like me. She might just construct another fake identity that my future replacement might like and throw in pieces of her actual self and recreate herself again... .And it is tragic that these people never have a real "self"... .or never allow themselves to get in touch with their real self.

[emergent]

Sorry you're going through this, too, CharWood. Living together after a decision has been made to split up is incredibly hard. My circumstances are also such that it's going to be a while, so I completely understand how hellish it can be.

In my case, it seems that the identity my exBPDw has "adopted" is not so much one that would please me as one that IS me. That's why I thought it important to point out that we are both women. She does the things I do (although not all, and not the ones that are most important to me), moves at my rhythm, tries on my different lifestyle choices, appropriates my friends, etc. And of course, she blames me for controlling her because of all of this.

Here's a weird thing, though: in terms of clothing, she is so wary of change and so anxious that if she could wear exactly the same thing every day, she would. Jeans, t-shirt (very specific kind), hoodie when it's cold, and Doc Martens. I have witnessed her dysregulate when the clothes she regularly purchased stopped being produced. She can't handle it, doesn't know what to do. I don't know, maybe this is some way to create an identity for herself... .she's the jeans-hoodie-Docs girl... .

[oceanblue]

My BPD ex had a very, very changeable and fluid identity.  In the years we were together, he changed his religion several times.  His sexuality is very confused.  He's apparently bi-sexual although deeply ashamed of it and sometimes he says he wants to be a woman (I think because I am a woman).  He even has some insight to say he sees the world through me.  I'm not sure what it means exactly and don't really care now but he definitely adopted a lot of my personality.

It's quite sad really that they don't have a stable sense of self.  In outward appearances, it's not always obvious until maybe you know them very well.  I wonder what happens to them when they don't have someone to copy and they have to figure it out on their own.

[emergent]

oceanblue, thank you for sharing this. It's heavy, having to hold the identity of two people at once, isn't it?

The quote by Camus is very fitting. I love it.

[oceanblue]

Thanks Emergent and yes - it is heavy and weird and awful.  It was deeply confusing to me when my BPD's sexuality changed.  I would find chat sessions on fetish sites and his posts seeking men yet when I asked him, he would fly into a rage and deny everything.  Ugh - definitely crazy making behavior.  I always carried around the fear that he would leave me for a guy and decide he was gay but now, in retrospect, I think he was trying to take a female role in a relationship to somehow copy me or be me.  Of course, we were in a supposedly committed relationship so it didn't make sense that he was trying to date other people either.   It's like dating smoke - it constantly changes and there is no substance.  Well maybe it's like dating smoke that has a rage problem.  Ok - that's it - smoke with a rage problem.

[emergent]

I'm sorry, but LOL!

My smoke with a rage problem is always wearing Docs, so I can usually recognise her. But other than that... .No substance.

I can only imagine how hard it was for you to be with your ex through all those changes. He sounds profoundly and fundamentally confused.

Thank you for helping me understand this phenomenon a little better.

[SummerStorm]

I literally have no idea who my former friend BPD really is.  Some of the stuff she really does like is so shallow (video games, etc.) and doesn't even interest me at all, so she never talked about it with me.  And the rest was all mirroring.  I don't even know what music she actually likes. 

My friend and I were talking about my ffBPD, and she said, "I don't even know what I would do if I didn't know what I liked."  I agree 100% with her.  Yes, some of my interests fade and I gain new ones, especially as I get older.  However, there are some things (photography, guitar, hiking/running, museums, zoos, soccer) that I've liked for years and will probably always like.