Daughter will not participate in therapy

[helpus]

My 15 year old daughter, who has lived with her mother and step-father since she was 2, has been diagnosed with BPD traits.  She recently came to live with me, her dad, my wife, and 3 step-sons. Her mother and her husband have divorced and my daughter began to have some behavioral issues shortly after.  She began living with us in March after a suicide attempt in which she tried to overdose on Nyquil. Since then, she has been hospitalized twice and is now in her 2nd in-patient treatment facility.  She drank bleach in an attempt to hurt herself after she stole $440 from my wife.  At this facility, she is refusing to participate in therapy.  I don't know what to do.  This has strained my marriage to the breaking point.  She and my wife were very close before, but now things seem to get worse each day.  I miss my daughter.  I miss her so very much and feel hopeless.  I don't know how to get her to participate in therapy and feel that she will be asked to leave the treatment facility.  I fear this will destroy my family.  What can I do?  I love her so much.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi helpus,

It's so hard watching our children disappear into mental illness, it can make us feel so helpless. Do you feel that the therapists and treatment facility are patient and caring with your daughter? Is she with other teens, or is she in a facility that treats mostly adults?

If you haven't already read it yet, I highly recommend Blaise Aguirre's book on BPD and Adolescence, especially the 2nd edition. He is a very compassionate psychiatrist who has done a lot of research on BPD in teens, and I remember he talks about the importance of finding the right people. It might even help to have your wife read the book, if she is open to it.

People with BPD have a higher than average need for validation, and are not good at providing it to others. Is this perhaps what is hard for your wife? It can feel like everything is about the person with BPD. Understanding the nature of the disorder can make it easier to radically accept who they are and their limitations.

And in terms of what you can do -- validation validation validation. Learn this skill until it's like breathing. We have resources here on our site, and there are books teaching how to do this.

I'm glad you found the site, and hope you'll post more when you feel ready.

 

LnL

[lbjnltx]

Hi Helpus,

I'm so glad that you are here looking for help.  It can take months for teens with traits of BPD to begin to participate in their own recovery.

Can you tell us what kind of program your d15 is in and how long she has been at this facility? 

I look forward to learning more about your family and how I can be a source of support for you.

lbjnltx

[bpdmom1]

I second LnL on the book "BPD and Adolescence".  I think I've read it three times trying to understand my daughter.  I'm currently reading the book "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" to learn validation skills.  I might have to read this one three times as well and on top practice a ton to get into the habit.  My d17 is in a treatment center and it has been up and down for her.  She got to level 2 and then a week or two later dropped back down to level 1.  During therapy calls we are trying to validate, but finding it very difficult just to validate her feeling not her distorted thoughts. 

The first couple of months or so my daughter would leave therapy sessions or turn towards the wall and not talk during sessions.  They even had to switch her therapy groups.  She is no longer leaving sessions and able to hear some hard truths.  I didn't get the idea that she would be asked to leave as I felt she would eventually come around in the new environment.  I know the staff found her behavior very disrepectful and frustruating.  This behavior wasn't at all surprising to us as it has been her pattern for as long as I can remember.

I'm wondering if the RTC told you that she would be asked to leave if she continues not to participate.