Advice pls?

[Lou12]

Sounds super childish but can someone pls advise me how to handle the following?

My BPD/NPD has just sent me a message implying it was to another woman! I know for a fact he has done it on purpose to get me to react! I did tell him I loved him earlier which I don't say often so possible trigger. But something has triggered him and he now needs me to feel insecure. How should I react? Message said 'sweetie with kisses' and definitely wasn't a mistake on his part, was 100% done to me on purpose!

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[steve195915]

Sounds familiar and the typical childish games that are played constantly.  If you want to keep in this relationship then you need to rise above it, don't take things personal and just let it go.  I find it best to just ignore it, when he said it was meant for soneone else, you just say 'Thanks for letting me know, I love you sweety'.  Then all is well as long as you really can let it go.

[Chilibean13]

Sounds familiar and the typical childish games that are played constantly.  If you want to keep in this relationship then you need to rise above it, don't take things personal and just let it go.  I find it best to just ignore it, when he said it was meant for soneone else, you just say 'Thanks for letting me know, I love you sweety'.  Then all is well as long as you really can let it go.

That's excellent advice! I never would have thought of that kind of response.

[Joem678]

Were you not on speaking terms?

[Lou12]

Joem, yes all was ok earlier just a normal message exchange.

[Lou12]

Aghhh message was just deleted!

Thanks for advice Steve and I will follow it. I messaged back '?' And now he hasn't messaged me back because he thinks that I am thinking that he's thinking 'oh he'll how am I going to get out of this one' but obviously I know he's not because he done it on purpose. I'm guessing that he's not going to message me back again now as he wants me to be paranoid. Should I re message him or just leave him for a while? And how should I act when I contact him again?

[steve195915]

Sounds familiar and the typical childish games that are played constantly.  If you want to keep in this relationship then you need to rise above it, don't take things personal and just let it go.  I find it best to just ignore it, when he said it was meant for soneone else, you just say 'Thanks for letting me know, I love you sweety'.  Then all is well as long as you really can let it go.

That's excellent advice! I never would have thought of that kind of response.

I've been in a relationship with a non-diagnosed BPDgf and I am still learning to let things go.  It's a battle within my mind though as the BPDgf will do things and say things that in a normal relationship would be rude, childish, unloving and just plain not appropriate.  I used to get upset now I just say to myself thats their mental illness and to let it go.  It's still not easy though. 

Just act as if nothing happened.  Text him or call him as you usually would.  If he responds fine, if not then be patient. 

[Lou12]

Thanks Steve I will. I was about to message him and say 'love you, good night' but if he's triggering I know he needs me to suffer so by acting normal at this moment it could entice him to continue trying to get a reaction from me, agree?

[steve195915]

I was debating on whether I should say this and I decided why not so here it goes.  I don't know how long you've been in the relationship and how much invested but the relationship with a BPD partner will be full of pain, hurt, verbal and mental abuse and many more negatives.  They will leave you multiple times, keep other options open for fear you may abandon them, and they may cheat.  Read some books on it, do your research, and decide if you really need this in your life.  I got hooked in the first 3 months as it was the most perfect relationship, magical and amazing.  I fell in love and now can't get myself to let her go.  I know my life would be so much easier but I'm committed as long as she's faithful.  Feb 2nd, 2016 will be two years for us.  It's still very challenging, it doesn't get any better, only your responses and actions you have power over.  Think about it and good luck!

[steve195915]

Thanks Steve I will. I was about to message him and say 'love you, good night' but if he's triggering I know he needs me to suffer so by acting normal at this moment it could entice him to continue trying to get a reaction from me, agree?

For my BPDgf saying 'love you, good night' would work perfectly.  She may not respond immediately but the next day all is fine. 

I suggest try it and see the reaction you get.  Good luck!

[Lou12]

Thanks again, I just sent something nice, didn't want to say I love you again in case that was what triggered him.

Yes I know only to well about the games. My relationship with BPD/NPD has been going on for 20 months, most of which (except the amazing first 4 months)has been game after game. Usually I jump on the things he does by bring feisty but then I'd get the silent treatment so now I'm learning some techniques but this way is all new to me!

I know how you feel it's a constant battle but I love him :/