wife is causing chaos advice needed

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi I've been with my wife 4 years and I called the relationship off due to her behaviour since then things have got worse and worse. She is bedding men off the Internet and twice in the last 4 weeks she has come to me claiming she has been raped,but the first time she dripped charges as she wasn't sure and the second time she denied it after I called the police to investigate the issue. She's on bail at the moment for domestic violence towards me so she can't come near me for the next few weeks. We have a 2year old son together and I want to help her as she is destroying her life she's lost her job her driving license during this period due to her drinking etc. We did attempt to patch things up and put our cards on table I admitted cheating once during the relationship which I regret but I feel she is purely trying to hurt me now she declares her love for me via text when she's out meeting men.im just finding it very difficult to end it completely as I fear she won't cope without me but it's affecting our son as he sees her outburst of aggression and she doesn't care for him properly so ive had to put him in childcare whenever I'm not home so I know he is cared for properly. Just after some advice as I'm finding this extremely hard as I love her so much and it kills me to see her destroying her life. I know it isn't health as she physically assault me quiet often and is an alcoholic,I also find that our son seems unhappy when she is around which I think is due to a lack of affection and attention but I'm not sure

[burty9015]

Hi I've been with my wife 4 years and I called the relationship off due to her behaviour since then things have got worse and worse. She is bedding men off the Internet and twice in the last 4 weeks she has come to me claiming she has been raped,but the first time she dripped charges as she wasn't sure and the second time she denied it after I called the police to investigate the issue. She's on bail at the moment for domestic violence towards me so she can't come near me for the next few weeks. We have a 2year old son together and I want to help her as she is destroying her life she's lost her job her driving license during this period due to her drinking etc. We did attempt to patch things up and put our cards on table I admitted cheating once during the relationship which I regret but I feel she is purely trying to hurt me now she declares her love for me via text when she's out meeting men.im just finding it very difficult to end it completely as I fear she won't cope without me but it's affecting our son as he sees her outburst of aggression and she doesn't care for him properly so ive had to put him in childcare whenever I'm not home so I know he is cared for properly. Just after some advice as I'm finding this extremely hard as I love her so much and it kills me to see her destroying her life. I know it isn't health as she physically assault me quiet often and is an alcoholic,I also find that our son seems unhappy when she is around which I think is due to a lack of affection and attention but I'm not sure

[Suzn]

Hello Burty9015

Welcome! I'm sorry you are going through all of this with your wife.    Many of us here have gone through what you describe and know how painful it can be. You can't control your wife's impulsive behavior or her addiction to alcohol however you can control you and work towards not making this worse.

This will help to get you started:

Ending Conflict

It sounds like you are the one caring for your son, he's lucky to have you. It also sounds like you have a bit of breathing room over the next few weeks to take a moment to step back and take an account of your marriage and learn some of the communication skills necessary to have a more successful relationship with a person with BPD. Whether or not you decide to stay or leave you have a child together so she will be in your life for a very long time.

Over to the right of your screen you will find Choosing a Path ------>

The information found there can be very helpful for you. We're here to help guide you through this information during this difficult time.

I'm glad you found us. I'm looking forward to hearing more of your story.

Welcome to our family.  

[babyducks]

Hi Burty9015

I wanted to echo Suzn and say welcome to the bpdfamily.

Making your first post here is a way to get started at making your life different,... better.   It will take some time and effort but the tools are here.   Just where Suzn pointed you.

Can I ask, is your wife receiving any help for her issues?   

How about you and your son?   Being exposed to violence can take a toll, sometimes subtle, just like you described.   Asking for a little assistance to get through these tough moments can be a sign of great strength.

You've found a good place to safely share.   keep posting and reading.

'ducks

 

[JQ]

HI Burt,

Since this is your first post I would like to say welcome and I'm glad you found us ... .a place of men & women who have been where you are or have been where you are and are here to share their experience, guidance, assistance and to listen to you without judgement.  As Suzn & Ducks have pointed out, there are so many references here and books you can find in your library to help you learn such as, "I hate you ... .Don't leave me", "Stop walking on eggshells", "and "The Human Magnet Syndrome" just to mention a couple.  This site & those books, and the references Ducks & Suz pointed out are just a couple of the tools to help you educate yourself & walk your journey. We can't do it for you ... .but when you stumble along the way you can be sure someone here will be there to hold out a hand to help you up ... .dust you off ... .and let you continue your journey.

It's difficult to hear of the issues you're having with your BPDwife ... .BPD is a serious mental / behavioral illness and any relationship with someone who has BPD is challenging ... .a mother, sister, brother, father or significant other. As Suzn points out, you're going to have to learn a whole new language to communicate with someone who has BPD ... .words like triangulation, deregulation, raging, painted black, painted white just to mentioned a few. You'll come to learn that nothing has and nothing will make sense when it comes to someone with BPD ... .they don't think logical or what we would consider logical. You have a 2 yr old ... .I'm sure you've sit down with him at times and talk to them ... .they go on about some issue, challenge they have ... .and you ask why do you do that ... .then they come up with this elaborate explanation that just leaves you scratching your head ... .it's the same for someone who has BPD. They have had something happened to them early in their life long before you were in the picture. This event or events have forced them to develop survival skills and they have become emotionally stunted and are very much like that of a 3 yr old toddler ... .I'm sure you can see some similarities at times between your 2 yr old & your BPDwife.  

I'm not sure what advice you're searching for since you haven't actually come out and asked for anything in particular. I will commend you for looking out for your 2 yr old ... .this is your first priority since you mentioned that you're not sure if they are getting the love & affection they need for a normal development due to possible abandonment from their mother. Since she seems to be in trouble with the law and unsure of where her residence might be after court hearings ... .be sure that your child has a responsible, caring & loving female influence in their life ... .who ever that might be ... .a sister ... .your mother ... .a friend ... .whoever you trust or a combination of them all. But you seem to have a good handle on it. I echo what Suzn has said, he's lucky to have you.

You're among friends ... .learn all that you can ... .dive head first into the world of BPD. Read the references, come here to post, and I would encourage you to seek out a professional therapist not only for you but also your son ... .it'll help you sort out your thoughts, your feelings & emotions and maybe help you find a the way forward ... .a path to walk whatever that path might be ... .only you can decide ... .but like most if not all of us ... .sometimes you need that professional assistance to help you sort out things as I did. I have come to learn it was not a sign of weakness but a sign of great strength to ask for help ... .NO ONE PERSON HAS ALL THE ANSWERS!  

Come back as often as you need to ... .as often as you WANT to ... .you're among friends ... .ask us any question or express how you're feeling ... .like Ducks said ... .keep posting

JQ

[unicorn2014]

Hi burty9015 and welcome to BPD family 

In terms of dealing with the alcoholism, there is a program of recovery called al-anon for friends and family members of alcoholics. I myself was in an alcoholic marriage and find that program immensely helpful.

In terms of dealing with the borderline behavior, you've come to the right place.

It sounds like there's a lot of conflict in your marriage right now.

Bpd family can help you think about your marriage and help you choose a direction.

It sounds like the marriage is having a detrimental affect on your right now.

I think the first step is to get to know a little bit more about BPD. Have you done any reading on the subject?

[burty9015]

hi guys thanks for the replies. Im not sure what advice im looking for to be honest.the relationship began ok and she told me she had BPD shortly after,she has come a long way she started dbt for a time which helped and she got a job,things have been steadily improving over the years but there was still cycles of abusive behaviour.When i ended it i stupidly thought she would try improve things but she didnt,i didnt help the situation either as I am very reluctant to talk about my feelings as she usually attacks if she sees any sign of weakness.we have split before but have always sorted it out quickly thereafter. I am aware she still want to be with me and I am tempted to give it a go,I love her and care about her and Im scared she'll destroy her life even more if I dont intervine. Im not sure if its the right decision? She isnt usually this bad shes just gone crazy since we split.

Shes not a bad mother just lacks affection and doesnt pay him much attention,she does have outbursts around him but i usually manage to hide it from him he sees alot of my mother and his child minder so he has other female role models luckily.

She is waiting for help with her alcoholism and had some help with therapy but is very reluctant as it drags up old memories.

I really want to repair our relationship and move forward but im not sure if im being stupid? we do love each other and have a lot of happy times together but it can be very difficult.

We had relationship councelling last year which helped so might try that again.My family are advising me to end it completely,im not sure if i want her back just to stop the pain of missing her,all very confusing.

[babyducks]

hi burty9015,

there is a lot to sort through.   it will probably take some time.     You have an active DV case going?   so I am sure there are restrictions about seeing being in communication until that case is settled.   do you have any thoughts on how that will play out?   what the consequences will be?

'ducks

[burty9015]

As it's her first domestic charge the police officer said it'll more than likely be a caution and I can request a restraining order but not sure if I want to she doesn't really have anyone stable apart from me so I don't want to cut her off completely. She isn't ment to contact me but I'm sure she will,she's in court tomorrow for breaching her bail so I'm not sure what will happen then. I don't mind her being here if she wants to work on the relationship but she's being so destructive at the moment so I can't trust her to behave. She's been in cells last two night pending court Monday so I'm hoping she's had time to think or she might have gotten more angry. I can't predict her behavior these days, I just want her to be safe, this can't go on much longer I can't cope mentally

[babyducks]

this website is very big on safety first.   the safety first link is on every page, and there are always links to DV protocols.   I am glad they take it seriously.    It only takes a moment for the anger to flash over into something more.   the safety first link helps walk through a plan,... how to react, what do, how to make a safe exit in case things flash over.   It's always better to have a plan and never use it then to be caught by surprise.

it's good to want help, it says a lot about you that you want to provide a stable environment, the question is, what is the likely hood that you can do that right now while things are heated?   I'm sure you are doing everything you can.   sometimes the only way to stop the bleeding, to diffuse the conflict is establish a boundary.   You have to take care of yourself first.   I am sure you have been on an airplane and have them explain to you that when the air masks drop, you put on your own first.   You are no use to anyone if you are collapsing under the strain.

what would a boundary that would protect you and your health look and feel like to you?

[JQ]

HI Burt,

I know this is an incredible stressful, confusing time for you not knowing where to turn to or what to do. You turn to family like most of us have & they give you advice or guidance based on the love for you ... .not really knowing about BPD and just how serious a mental & behavioral illness it actually is. From what I'm following she told you after you were married that she had BPD ... .in my humble opinion she had an obligation to tell you that she has a behavioral illness. So don't beat yourself up over not knowing or knowing after the fact. At least she was in DBT therapy and & it had some positive affect ... .but from most studies my understanding is that they're going to need a lifetime of constant therapy in addition to you having  your own separate therapist to help you sort through your feelings, emotions, thoughts if you decided to stay with her ... .& honestly ... .it's a difficult choice for anyone to make ... .so again don't beat yourself up.

As Ducky has said ... .there is so much to sort through and you're at the beginning stages as Ducky says ... .you have to put your own mask on first ... .you have to take care of you first ... .you're no good to your son if you're on the fringe of things yourself. You're probably not eating right, not sleeping enough, stressed out beyond anything you've experienced before.  Be sure you eat breakfast with your son ... .even if it's a toaster waffle & a cup of coffee be sure you're eating.  You need to relieve some stress ... .so put your son in the stroller and go for a walk ... .a good walk every evening for a least a mile ... .it really only takes about 15-20 minutes to go a mile at a stroller pace. It'll help you physically with the stress your dealing with and it'll give you some bonding time with your son ... .looking at the leaves ... .the smells, the outdoors is a great place for a youngster to learn & bond with dad. And above all ... .be sure to get some sleep ... .you need it to repair the physical & mental damage your body receives everyday.  My flight surgeon turned me onto Melatonin years ago ... .DON'T WORRY IT'S NOT A DRUG ... .but a natural hormone that is produced in the body naturally. Trust me no flight surgeon would give me an aspirin much less a drug of any other sort. Research it ... .give it a week to help you ... .but you'll find it will help you get the rest your body needs.

As far as the alcoholic issue ... .Unicorn brings up a great point in that there is a lot of help out there. You don't have to wait for anything ... .you simply show up to a meeting al-anon and start that day getting the assistance you need. In addition  as I said, a good therapist can not only help you with sorting out your thoughts, feelings but also recommend things to help with the alcohol treatment as well there by killing two birds with one stone. There seems to be a correlation to substance abuse & BPD ... .NOT in all cases but in a lot of them. It's a coping mechanism for them to help dull the pain ... .to take the edge of the emotional pain that they feel ... .my exBPDgf abuse alcohol like your BPD wife. She drank to forget, to release the pain. Some BPD's cut themselves or inflict bodily pain of some sort. And in some cases ... .they get tattoo's or a lot of body piercings as my exBPDgf says ... .to bring the "pain up from within to the surface" in some sort of twisted idea that physical pain will help them mask or release the pain of all the mental / physical / emotional pain at least temporarily.

In regards to her BPD / alcoholic wife ... .as you already know she has to want help in both cases and WANT to get the help she needs. You, me, anyone can't force her to go if she doesn't want too. As you said, DBT therapy seems to be a good therapy but it only works if they continue to go ... .from my readings BPD is a lifetime behavioral / mental illness that will require treatment.  In your learning BPD ... .you'll have to look inward ... .self reflection ... .learn more about yourself then you ever thought you would. You might find like us, you're a NON or a codependent, a perfectionist, a knight in armor wanting to protect those who can't protect themselves, or the white hat cowboy riding in to save the day ... .we've all been there. We found more value in ourselves helping others, saving others ... .but the truth is we need to value ourselves for who we are. I'm a recovering NON ... .I've learned that I can't save every puppy in the pound. I can give guidance, support, but they're choices are their choices & good or bad they need to learn the consequences of those choices ... .this was very ... .VERY hard for me to learn. But I think I'm well on my way ... .always a work in progress ... .her flying monkey's are her flying monkey's and if they get loose it's up to her to put them back in the cage ... .   The other thing I've learned in all of this ... .you will need to laugh ... .you will need to keep your since of humor ... .through humor ... .laughter is the best medicine.

Ducky brings up a good subject ... .you'll need to learn boundaries. There are studies to suggest that due to the 3 yr old toddler behavior they have they need boundaries set & maintained. For whatever reason she never had them instilled in her & it seems they will respect you more for it. Think about it, do you respect someone more or less for setting boundaries? There are references here & books that help you establish them and more importantly maintain them. You'll need to be strong for not only you but your son. Start out small setting a boundary ... .most start out with raging or yelling during a conversation since you know ... .no relationship can happen without good communication. So if she starts to rage ... .calmly look at her and tell her something to the effect ... .I don't like it when you're yelling ... .I'm going to go in the other room ... .take our son outside for a walk and I will be back ... .when you calm down and can talk to me in a respectful manner then we'll talk ... .something to that affect ... .but you have to be ready to enforce the boundary whatever it might be & the consequences you have determined to be.  That's where professional therapist more familiar with your situation would help you and then expand the boundaries.

There are no quick answers or a way forward with a BPD relationship ... .and most of it will depend on you ... .what worked for me or Ducky might not work for you. It's a learning process without a doubt ... .but make sure you are taking care of yourself along the way ... .As Ducky said, "you are no use to anyone if you are collapsing under the strain".  Keep coming back as often as you need to ... .as often as you want too ... .

JQ

[Suzn]

How are you holding up burty?

[pallavirajsinghani]

Shes not a bad mother just lacks affection and doesnt pay him much attention,she does have outbursts around him but i usually manage to hide it from him he sees alot of my mother and his child minder so he has other female role models luckily.

I think that you are getting good feedback from my colleagues... .so I won't repeat... .

For the sake of clarity, I'd like you to re-read the sentence from your post.

A mother who lacks affection and does not pay the child much attention may not be bad.  Since we do not believe that mental illness is evil or bad.  However, it does have a "bad" effect on others.  Especially children.

I think it is important for you to understand this disorder in a greater depth and also understand this disorder from the perspective of your son.

Both staying or leaving require acceptance of the disorder as it is, in the total spectrum that this disorder may manifest itself.  This understanding then must lead to development of specific protective and coping skills.

So at this time, please spend as much time learning about this disorder as much you do about learning what type of effect it can have on you and your son.  Only this way, will you be able to develop the necessary skills to mitigate its negative effects.

Thank you for sharing your story.  We welcome you.  You and your son are not alone.  We are by your side.

God bless.

[burty9015]

Hi thanks for the advice. I let her back into the house and she was very positive for the first day then she started being aggresive,she threatened to glass me last night so I asked her to leave which she did,she was texting me abuse so I blocked her texts and calls so then she drunk drove back to the house. Luckily she 2anted to talk,I went to work and received abusing calls for an hour or so saying I had to come home to look after our son which I was unable to do. Think she was just trying to mess me around,I got home today and she received a call from her friends so she decided to go there and drink so she won't be looking after our son tomorrow as was agreed. I think I need to stay strong and cut all contact now,she's causing too many issues and I'm tired of her a agression ,just find it hard to stuck to my guns