What is this behavior?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This site has been a blessing for me.  I thought I was crazy or in denial.  No one believed me that there was something wrong with her.  I was started to believe myself.

So my wife has cheated throughout the years.  She has always ended it.  Abruptly it seems.  The last time she just dropped the guy from one day to the next.  I was surprised.  I asked her, "what is happening?"  I was confused, the other guy was left a mess too.

She was abused as a child.  During this time, at times, if i approach her, it's as if I'm trying to hurt her.   Why does she always drop the relationship and come back?  What happens to her?   She was abused as a child.  During this time, at times, if i approach her, it's as if I'm trying to hurt her.  They are saviors.  I always used the word and actually started crying when I saw other people using it on this site.  This time around same behavior.

Scary. 

[Joem678]

This site has been a blessing for me.  I thought I was crazy or in denial.  No one believed me that there was something wrong with her.  I was started to believe myself.

So my wife has cheated throughout the years.  She has always ended it.  Abruptly it seems.  The last time she just dropped the guy from one day to the next.  I was surprised.  I asked her, "what is happening?"  I was confused, the other guy was left a mess too.

She was abused as a child.  During this time, at times, if i approach her, it's as if I'm trying to hurt her.   Why does she always drop the relationship and come back?  What happens to her?   She was abused as a child.  During this time, at times, if i approach her, it's as if I'm trying to hurt her.  They are saviors.  I always used the word and actually started crying when I saw other people using it on this site.  This time around same behavior.

Scary. 

[babyducks]

Hi Joem678,

you ask a tough question.   

Why does she always drop the relationship and come back?  What happens to her?   

people with BPD are,... well people.   yes they have a disorder.  yes the disorder plays out in very similar ways but it's very hard to speculate as to why anyone does anything.   

I personally think it's even harder when you are dealing with some one whose communication skills can be rudimentary at best.   the communications you get can sometimes be misleading.

BPD traits include an unstable sense of self.   This one is the hardest for me to 'see' in my partner.   

According to Margalis Fjelstad's who is an expert in this field an unstable sense of self looks like this.

Intense fear or paranoia about being rejected, even to the extent that they need to be approved of by people they don't like.   If I can make so and so fall in love with me I must be lovable.

Often change their persons, opinions or beliefs, depending on who they are with.  If Jane Smith likes chocolate ice cream and I think Jane is wonderful I will like chocolate ice cream too and hence be wonderful also.


Lack of a consistent sense of self of who they are, or may have an overly rigid sense of self.   On Tuesday I will never ever go to that bar again, and on Friday... .

Often present a facade. May be fearful of being seen for "who I really am." Automatically assuming that they will be rejected or criticized.

Out of sight, out of mind... difficulty realizing that they or others exist when not together.

Simultaneously see themselves as both inferior and superior to others.   

It is very hard to understand how they process life.

'ducks

[Joem678]

Babyducks, thank you for responding.  I've had this question for the majority of our relationship. 

You are correct.  I started to see these self-issues in her, at the beginning of the year.  Her dialect especially.  Right now, when she texts, it seems like my 16 year old is texting me.

About the fear of being rejected, well I did start discussing separation and possible divorce. I distanced myself. Her flirtatious behaviors were not changing.  (DIDNT KNOW ABOUT BPD).  I reacted like a man. 

Many odd things happened this time around.  I started to see "push/pull" again but this time around I went NC.  My emotional state is/was very unhealthy for this time around. 

[Joem678]

Baby ducks,

So what does that make me? 

I've read that they have a "core" identity.  Is that what she eventually gets to and I stop being the false person she has created?

[formflier]

I've read that they have a "core" identity.  Is that what she eventually gets to and I stop being the false person she has created?

Think less about "what they created"... .that seems very deliberate.  I don't believe this is deliberate... .calculating.

It's more a dysfunctional set of reactions to the world... .and in some cases to the relationship that you are in.

Really tough when both partners are not emotionally healthy.  It happened to me... .I was having bad reactions... doing things all wrong (according to rules of BPD) and it made things far worse.  Still some repair work going on there.

"Core" stuff.

Instead of figuring out "core identity"... .probably better to figure out "core" wound. 

So... .what happened to her as a child... .and then try to make some good guesses about what sets her off now.  Sometimes this can be helpful.

FF

[Joem678]

formflier,thanks for replying.

I see what you mean.  I think her core wound goes back to her mother.  When I first met her she hated her mom. Her mom allowed many things to happen to her and eventually neglected her and her sister.  Right now, it seems that her mom is the AUTHORITY.  My wife is 37 years old with four kids.  She once told me during this time "my mom would kill me if she saw me talking to you".  Again, she is 37 years old.  We have four kids together.  WTH?

She moved in with her when she left.  Her mom is puppeteering her.  During the 19 years, I always asked, what is this obsession with your mom?

[babyducks]

This quote is from a link on this site...

I just found a great article on borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com called "Etiology of BPD by John G. Gunderson, MD".  It helps explain how both genetics and environment contribute to BPD.

It is not easy to develop BPD. I expect that only a small fraction of the people who have the genetic disposition go on to develop it. Parenting is sometimes dysfunctional, but villains are truly rare. We need far more research to understand the contributions of both genes and environment.

the etiology of the borderline personality disorder (BPD) involves both genes and environment. The genetic component, which has been underappreciated, is substantial. It is not, however, the disorder itself which is inherited. Rather, what is inherited are forms of temperament that predispose a child to develop this disorder. The predisposing temperaments (aka phenotypes) for BPD are Affective Instability, Impulsivity, and Needy/Fearful Relationships.



www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/notes-gunderson.shtml

the full link is here:

What is the cause of Borderline Personality Disorder?

my partners core wound is she was neglected as a child.   my core wound is I was blamed for dysfunction in the family when I was a child.   put us together and whammo our core wounds lined up to make a mess for a while.   everyone has a core wound.   some of us keep them in nonstandard places.

typically people who enter relationships with pwBPD are caretakers, we like to fix things, we have trouble self validating and have low self esteem.  we often get hooked on the incredible idealization that comes early on in a BPD r/s.

in a 'normal' relationship being a caretaker with low self esteem isn't terribly bad.   but when it's paired with the neediness of a BPD we both can run to our extremes.  and do damage in the process.   I know I did.   I was used to getting my feelings of self worth from taking care of things.  So I did that.  and then not surprisingly more things needed to be taken care of.   So I took care of more things.  and it didn't feel quite right to me but I did it anyhow.   and eventually it became a vicious cycle.  both of us had trouble putting the brakes on and saying hey wait this isn't right.

make sense?

[formflier]

  I am a caretaker as well.  In love languages I'm a "acts of service" guy, bigtime. So, it feels weird to me to be emotionally supportive but leave the "fixing" (action) to other people.   However, many times that is exactly what the relationship dynamic needs. The more I do this, the better I feel about it. Interesting to think about our core wounds.  My family was into praise, but not validation.  Feelings were suppressed and actions were praised.  We put on a good show of things.   There is some weird stuff on my mom's side.  My mom's mom was a lady that would act nice and then hiss and complain about things that she "mentioned".  She would keep pushing my mom's buttons until something happened.  Near as I can figure the big thing that hung over our family was my mom's dad's suicide when she was 6 or 7.  It was this elephant in the room that wasn't talked about.   I always wished we would spend more time with my Dad's family than my mom's.  They were way nicer, seemed normal.  People didn't get upset there. I guess the best way to say it is that I was an object that was talked about and that did great things rather than a kid with feelings.  The way it would be expressed was my accomplishments were great, and I would be like, yeah, but I'm the one that actually did that. Not exactly sure what you call that, but something around that is what I would say is my core wound thing from growing up.                                      

FF