Tell them.

[Eyeamme]

I saw this in another thread, so I'm going to start it.  Use this thread to say the things you want to say to your child that you can't or won't. Here I go.

I love you more than you can comprehend. You have always been my buddy. My girl. You are brilliant, and funny, and talented. I will do anything for you except lose who I am. 34 years of not knowing why you acted like you do. My love made me blind and I let you down. Finally I had to walk away (hopefully not forever but maybe) from you and my grand babies to save the last shred of self I had left. I wasn't willing to lose myself. I feel guilty for this because I am your mommy. I love you more than you will ever know and I miss who I know you are.

Mom

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Your note brings tears to my eyes,  eyeamme.  Thank you for sharing your heart and your truth.   I know I cannot  imagine how hard it must be to chose between yourself and your daughter/grandkids.   I wish for you and for your daughter that she could hear it but please know for today that I hear you.  I wish I could do more,  but I hear you today.   XOXO

[AVR1962]

Eyeamme, your words are very kind. I hope you can one day say these things to your daughter and I hope she can appreciate what she hears.

Mine would look very different if we are talking the things I feel I cannot say to her. It would be this:

"I am hurt by all the lies you have told about me in an attempt to turn people against me. I did not force anyone to eat food they did not want to eat. I did not tell your husband that you were having an affair. I did not throw a telephone book at you. I did not attack you, you attacked me and left my arms bleeding from your nails. I was no the one who wanted to do an intervention but I did agree as many others did. I did make the call to Social Services but not like you think. I was concerned about you... .family was telling me that you were not caring for your children and I wanted to know that everyone was safe. I did not write the letter to ______ as you have claimed to family and if you were the one claiming you had been abused I think you should have been concerned too, not only for hr but her children as well. I feel you played me against your step brothers and your sisters and I feel that your manipulative words and lies is what has destroyed anything our family could have ever had. I know you think I am blaming you unjustly and you think I am playing the victim but I am not, you need to look at your actions. Any time I have tried to talk to you, you avoid me or shut me out. The only time you want anything to do with me is to use me. I have repeatedly apologized to you for all your hurts but it means nothing to you. I have finally had to walk away to keep my sanity."

My response is more of hurt and anger, not revenge as I do not feel vengeful. I mentioned this the other day... .I feel like I am swimming thru lies. There is no way to have an honest trusting relationship with someone who can't tell the truth. I am not delusional, I have turned the cheek many times but it never changes. I have come to accept that she has to make me look bad to whoever will listen and that hurts because I kept trying and kept trying despite the hurtful things that would come back to me. In every situation where there is no contact it is my daughter who has cut me off and I am the one trying to get her to talk. No more, done! This last situation was enough!

[Eyeamme]

AVR1962,

I could have added more but I was practicing Radical Acceptance :--) I am sending you a hug.

[thefixermom]

I would say I'm sorry and I want you to believe me.  I love you and miss you.  You are precious to me.  I want you happy and close to me. I hope you can forgive me and be free to receive my love again.

[mimi99]

I feel so sad reading these and thinking about my own response.

I would say:

I love you more than you will ever know. I'm sorry for anything I did that made things worse for you, and would do anything to help you be well. My heart breaks when I think about where our relationship is today and I grieve for the loss of you. I wish I could help you to see things as they really are, and that you could be the mom I know you want to be to your daughter. I wish you peace and happiness.

That being said, I would also like to say that I was not a terrible, abusive, heroin-addicted mother. I made mistakes and tried my best as all mothers do. Your father did many things that you accuse me of, yet he is "the best dad in the world" and I am scum. The reason I want you to stand on your own two feet is so that you will learn to be a responsible adult and gain the self-confidence that comes with being self-supporting, not because I am selfish and don't care about you.

This was written as tears flow. If only our sick children knew how much pain they cause and how much we love them (even while we are resenting them)

Thanks for the thread eyeamme

[Eyeamme]

Hugs to you Mimi.