poetix
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« on: November 14, 2015, 02:30:30 PM » |
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So.
I've been separated from my uBPDxw for a little over five years. The children - D12, S15 - have lived with her since then; I went to live in another city, started a new relationship (we're marrying at the end of this month!), maintained contact with the children and visited at weekends.
Life has never been easy for the kids, but they and their mother had some kind of working relationship; they knew, perhaps more than children should have to, how to handle her. There were occasional conflicts between me and xw, but mostly we just avoided speaking to each other, apart from occasional texts focussed on practical matters. Things were usually calm, if a bit fraught. She's not a drug user, self-harmer or, generally speaking, wildly reckless. But she has repeatedly alienated friends and family, becoming more and more isolated, and has created a world around her children in which they have little time for anything besides activities she herself schedules and controls. She has made herself into what might from the outside look like an exemplary SAHM, tirelessly drudging to keep everything running, but also using this role as an excuse for failing to develop a career or take any responsibility for her own upkeep: she's essentially been a "kept woman" for the past five years, with me paying for everything. When she's had jobs, she's left them after a short period of time - after all, there's no necessity for her to work. She's turned down offers of employment because she felt them to be beneath her. Her attitude towards her chosen role seems to be a mixture of pride and resentment. She evidently feels the children "owe" her unlimited deference and obedience after all she's done for them.
The balance of the situation has been disturbed over the past few months by the arrival of a new partner, who proceeded to love-bomb D12 while systematically antagonising and alienating S15, who found himself in a "scapegoat" role, constantly criticised for "abusing" his mother and sister. xw and new-partner seem to have formed a view of him as a juvenile delinquent in the making; they've also associated his bad behaviour with my influence, as she's told this guy no end of terrible stories about my conduct during our marriage (that I had an affair, which I didn't; was violent, which I wasn't, and so on). It's all fabulation: he's a calm, patient, thoughtful boy, liked by every other adult who has contact with him, never in trouble at school, always pleasant to have as a house guest. His "abuse" mostly consists of asking questions, slightly raising his voice, and otherwise failing to exhibit the demanded deference and obedience. When he and his sister squabble, it's usually hilarious, with each of them giving as good as they get; I've never had any sense that he was putting her down, or that his fundamental attitude towards her was anything other than loving and respectful. As a matter of fact, they're both extremely close, and look after each other a great deal - as they've rather had to, over the years.
Meanwhile, D12 has been plied with endless treats, sent frankly creepily smarmy text messages, given lots of hugs and arm rubs, and generally accorded "golden child" status. All the while being told how bad her brother is, how bad her father was, and how good this new guy thinks he is - he's a teacher! homeschools his kids! has endless stories to tell about what a champ he is! and so on.
Eventually it all blows up; S15 gets into a physical altercation with this guy, prompted by him coming into his room, trying to get his phone out of his pockets (his mother had demanded he hand it over; he'd refused), then holding S15 down and sitting on him when he tried to shove him away. When S15 - panicked and hyperventilating - managed to get an arm free, he got a punch in. Good for him, but then the guy starts going on about how he's been assaulted, threatens him with the police etc.
So, S15 gets packed off to stay with me for the rest of the half term, and told he can't return until he apologises for his behaviour... .
I then learn that xw and np have concocted between them "conduct contracts" for both children, which outline in simpering detail the kinds of deference and obedience sought, together with fines for non-compliance: £1 every time you need to be reminded to make eye-contact during conversation, or to balance each negative thing you say with a positive, that sort of thing. D12 gets on her mum's computer, swipes the electronic copies of these contracts, and sends them to S15, who forwards them to me. (None of this was at my instigation, I should add). I read them out over the phone to various people - my mum, a former special needs teacher; their aunt, a former teacher. They are all gobsmacked. Something has to be done.
At this point, I write emails to both children's schools (D12's school is still in term-time), explaining what's been going on and attaching copies of these contracts.
A couple of days later, I get a phone call from xw at 8.30 in the morning. Will I take custody of D12, or must she arrange foster care for her? She has been spreading lies and exaggerations, apparently (i.e. actually telling people about what's been happening), and must also apologise or her mother will no longer look after her. The call ends with her screaming dementedly at me for about 30 seconds then hanging up. I travel down to pick D12 up after school, and bring her back home with me. It turns out her mum screamed at her and slapped her about the face on the way to where she gets her lift to school, demanding that she stop lying and "stirring".
We spend the next week or so decompressing, talking things over. I hear a lot about how miserable things have been for them, how bullied and cornered S15 has been, how D12's initial delight at being showered with treats and affection has turned to fear and a discomfort she can't quite articulate, but gets teary when she tries to talk about. How they've been sat down and lectured for hours on end about how they must behave, pressured into agreeing to "verbal contracts" not unlike the written "contracts" I'd seen. So S15 will eventually cave and agree that yes, he will try to be civil at all times; and then he will be goaded into making some sharp response, like calling something np says "bulls***", and will immediately be accused of having "lied" when he made that agreement. This is some evil, manipulative, bullying s***. I call it what it is. They begin to relax, to open up, to feel more confident in their own perceptions and feelings.
At the weekend I write an email to social services, attaching S15's written account of the physical altercation, and outlining my concerns. I won't go into the bureaucratic back-and-forth that ensues, except to say that it turns out that the only way to get help for them is to send them back to the town where the problem is, since while they're staying with me there actually is no problem and local social services accordingly have no reason to get involved... .
Meanwhile, xw is ringing them every night, demanding they apologise, stop being so silly, and come home. I hear them talking calmly but firmly on the phone to her: "no mum I'm not being rude... .no mum I'm not shouting... .no mum I just disagree with you... .no, that isn't going to happen... .".
With a heavy heart, the day before the new school term starts I take them to the station and escort them back to xw's house. S15 has important schoolwork to do, D12 also wants to get back to school, they want to carry on with their lives. We agree that if we can get help from social services then we can try to sort things out at home, and if that doesn't work out I'll make arrangements for them to move in permanently with me (a complex business: I'd have to find a bigger house, to start with).
Well, that was a fortnight ago. Social services have finally visited, talked to the children. "A very complex case", the social worker says. I suspect he doesn't know the half of it. Meanwhile there has been more screaming, slapping, holding down (this time of D12 by xw), the police called by xw after S15 pushed her away when, once again, she was trying to grab something out of his hand. It's a madhouse. The children's view? They want np out, permanently. They want their mother to get help. And if those things don't happen, they want to leave. But they still hope they won't have to. I wish I had their optimism... .
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