Told her I don't find her attracive

[Little oak]

So last contact was Friday gone,she popped up in work Monday all dressed up but I paid not notice,it's been a good week really,kept busy,have been looking after myself and hitting the gym,people have been noticing and commenting. So I've got a party coming up and m favourite shirt that never used to fit now fits nicely,of course I didn't understand the washing labels so against better judgement I sent message to upd ex asking what temperature would be safe and If was safe to iron. I know I was silly to do this but I was hoping for a cordial exchange and was expecting nothing more. Of course I had no ply which pissed me off to be honest . It really isn't that difficult surely? I got a little carried away and messaged few hours later asking was it really so hard to respond to a simple question,again no response. She changed her wats app profile to her face,as if to show me what I'm missing. In reality I'm beginning to find her less attractive and don find myself drawn to her in a sexual sense. I was angry at her attempts to ignore and tease so I told her I wasn't attracted to her so she had no need to fear any hidden agenda to a very simple question which I had since resolved. I just feel like crap again and if I'm honest I wanted to hurt her,but I'm now hurting myself. I hope by me telling her I don't find her attractive I've sabotaged anything so she stops playing with me,deep down it hurts we can't be civil I'm so frustrated. I need to put a stop to it and hope my words will do that,I'm sorry for rambling on

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Little oak,

It is very frustrating wanting to have a cordial exchange with someone and it does not end up as you wanted. I understand how you could be frustrated.

Instead of thinking that she was intentionally ignoring you or playing games, have you considered that maybe she didn't get the original text or was busy at the moment? I think that many times we tend to think the worst case scenario because of BPD characteristics.

It takes two people to have a conversation. Do you want to have communication with her still?

[cloudten]

I just stopped by to say that I had to laugh at your subject line. I sort of wish, even though it wouldn't be true, that I had told him I wasn't attracted to him. It would have burst his little bubble. Instead... I said something I regret equally as badly... .one of the last things I said to him was "You are a f*ckup. A spoiled a$$ rich kid f*ckup." It's true, but I still feel awful because I am simply not a spiteful person.

Hurt people hurt people. You are hurting.

I support EaglesJuJu... .it takes 2 people to have a conversation. Do you want to be in a relationship with her?

[Little oak]

She received my messages there were confirmations and she also changed her profile pictures to create a bigger reaction from me I believe,I'm just really stuck. What's frustrating is I seem to keep going round and round in circles and it's not healthy for me. I can't seem to move on. So badly I want and need to but I don't know how. I want her to hurt like I am,feel as insignificant as I do,and at times I question my own mental health in all of this. By telling her I don't find her attractive the intention was for her to block me,but she doesn't do this ,there's just radio silence. I was told to forget about her and her children she would never go back to us,so why put profile pictures on wats app of herself,why not block,there seems to be some gratification in my suffering for her,almost a kick out of it. And yes I wanted to burst her bubble too,take back some power I keep giving away

[Little oak]

There's a part of me that does want to be in a relationship yes,there is another part of me that knows to make the relationship work involves communication,self reflection,honesty,admittance of fault and a desire to change and grow. She hasn't expressed any interest in renewing our relationship and I know this can't happen,my belief is I have been painted blacker than black and she had dug a hole so deep and lied to so many people she has now began removing friends etc from her life for fear of being exposed. Too many people lied to and too many lies told to undo. I remember her best friend and her dumped some of my belongings outside my mothers house when I was staying there,I told her friend do you realise what X has been saying about you,it created such a scene where it was rabbit caught in the headlights scenario,it's like the snowball effect everything gets bigger and bigger until you can't control the lies and stories so you blame and remove everyone for fear of being discovered for being a fraud

[Kelli Cornett]

Sounds like you are being verbally abusive because you are upset. I think NC would be better.

[Little oak]

I'm not sure I agree with being verbally abusive although I respect your views,I've also received some abuse however that doesn't make it excusable. I thought perhaps she might feel there was no pressure and that as I had no hidden agenda by not being attracted we could be cordial or at least acknowledge one another

[thefixermom]

Trying to have a cordial conversation with all this emotion pretty much shows your cards because it's obviously too soon to even hope for that.  Even your focus on her changing her photo to hurt you is a bit self-centered sounding, whether it's true or not. And surely there are others... .try google!... .who can tell how to launder a shirt.  I think you really did have an agenda as evidenced by your denying it and perhaps fooling yourself. People sense what's going on... .i.e. who has the power... .and she knows she has it.  It sort of sounds like you want to have the last word but each time you do, you want to do it again, and again, just to be sure.  The more you do it, the more you need to quit and the harder it will be.  I admire your honesty in saying you want to  hurt her like you are hurting, but what does that say about you?  It says you really never loved her.  I hope you can let her go in love and be grateful.  Grateful you had her if it was that great, or grateful it's over if it was that bad.  Or a combination of the two.  Being bitter hurts you way more than it does her.  Whenever someone showed me any bitterness after a break up it only made me feel all the more glad I had moved on, and it also made me feel sorry for them to be acting out in that manner.  Take heart, most of us have been there.  Sounds like you are doing well to be working on yourself.   I hope you can return to your authentic self and not try to put on airs with the next person... .i.e. date someone just to flaunt and hope to make your ex jealous.  There's a lot to be said for carrying yourself well through these episodes and coming out better for it.  

[EaglesJuju]

 

She received my messages there were confirmations and she also changed her profile pictures to create a bigger reaction from me I believe,I'm just really stuck. What's frustrating is I seem to keep going round and round in circles and it's not healthy for me. I can't seem to move on. So badly I want and need to but I don't know how. I want her to hurt like I am,feel as insignificant as I do,and at times I question my own mental health in all of this. By telling her I don't find her attractive the intention was for her to block me,but she doesn't do this ,there's just radio silence. I was told to forget about her and her children she would never go back to us,so why put profile pictures on wats app of herself,why not block,there seems to be some gratification in my suffering for her,almost a kick out of it. And yes I wanted to burst her bubble too,take back some power I keep giving away

It is not easy to work through the aftermath of a relationship. I know difficult it is to have conflicting feelings.  

From what I am reading, what seems to get you stuck in circles are assumptions. It seems that you are assuming that she should react/behave in a way that you would and if she is not reacting in that way, it means that she is doing things to intentionally hurt you. Do you think that this may be causing you so much inner turmoil? You do not know for sure, as her intentions could completely opposite from what you are thinking. The only person that knows what she is thinking or why is behaving in a certain way is her.  

A way to work through your feelings is to focus less on her behaviors and more on yours.  You have every right to feel hurt. Only you can change your feelings and get your power back.

[Little oak]

There are some really good replies and reading fixer moms post kind of hit me hard. A lot of self reflection on my part to do,yes I do want to have the final word again and again,I wanted to find the right combination of words and there is the realisation that I can't and won't. During our relationship I did my best to support and be there for her and her children,funnily enough she always did question my love for her,I found It very difficult to say I love you to her,perhaps her actions were in reaction to me and not meeting her needs as I thought I was. Where do I go from this now,was it me,was it her or were we just toxic? Perhaps it's me with the issues,certainly a thought provoking post and I sincerely thankyou fixer mom

[Kelli Cornett]

Trying to have a cordial conversation with all this emotion pretty much shows your cards because it's obviously too soon to even hope for that.  Even your focus on her changing her photo to hurt you is a bit self-centered sounding, whether it's true or not. And surely there are others... .try google!... .who can tell how to launder a shirt.  I think you really did have an agenda as evidenced by your denying it and perhaps fooling yourself. People sense what's going on... .i.e. who has the power... .and she knows she has it.  It sort of sounds like you want to have the last word but each time you do, you want to do it again, and again, just to be sure.  The more you do it, the more you need to quit and the harder it will be.  I admire your honesty in saying you want to  hurt her like you are hurting, but what does that say about you?  It says you really never loved her.  I hope you can let her go in love and be grateful.  Grateful you had her if it was that great, or grateful it's over if it was that bad.  Or a combination of the two.  Being bitter hurts you way more than it does her.  Whenever someone showed me any bitterness after a break up it only made me feel all the more glad I had moved on, and it also made me feel sorry for them to be acting out in that manner.  Take heart, most of us have been there.  Sounds like you are doing well to be working on yourself.   I hope you can return to your authentic self and not try to put on airs with the next person... .i.e. date someone just to flaunt and hope to make your ex jealous.  There's a lot to be said for carrying yourself well through these episodes and coming out better for it.  

I agree 100% thank you for calling him on it. I wasn't sure how to.

[thefixermom]

You're welcome.  I knew it would be a bit harsh and I mean to say it all with compassion because I've been there, too, believe me.  But I'm older now with a fuller perspective and thought that even if it hurt to hear the words, it might help shake off the shell that envelops us when we go through these things.  One thing I can say for certain is that when I finally was recovered from a miserable split, I looked back and wondered why I was even with the person to begin with.  So, it does get better!