Comparing your relationship to a successor.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Something that has been bothering me lately is the fact that my ex is seemingly having a stable relationship with someone.

Now, from what I understand they have been going out for 3 months now. Sure, it's not long... .but it is the longest one I have known her to have. My relationship with her was 2.5 months and there were periods where we broke up and quit talking for days. My replacement lasted a month and then he dumped her. The guy after that was about a week and he supposedly dumped her too. I have never got any confirmation from anybody else that she was "off" other than from herself.

I'm trying not too, but thoughts are running through my head that I somehow failed. She's not diagnosed, but she has a lot of the symptoms. She also has PTSD, was abused, and has Severe Depression (her words).

My brain is telling me that I know it's not all happy as I think it is, but then why are they still together? I tried everything to keep us together and she just wouldn't have it. What if he figured out how to make it work? Both of her other relationships after me, she was dumped... .not them.

I feel this is more of an ego thing than anything else. I'm starting to realize that most of my "happiness" while I was with her wasn't even real. It was either the fantasy of what our relationship was going to become when she moved back, or was made up in my mind after we broke up.

I'm also thinking that because we were only "official" when she went to another state, that I guess I'm jealous? He is able to be with her physically, while I could not be. Maybe that is what is allowing them to stay together longer? Maybe some part of me thought it would be all peachy once she got back? (which makes no sense, since she has raged at me then too)


This is all over the place, so I'll get back on topic. What have you guys/girls done to cope with the fact that someone else is having a longer relationship with your ex than yours? How do you deal with the self doubt?

[Schermarhorn]

Something that has been bothering me lately is the fact that my ex is seemingly having a stable relationship with someone.

Now, from what I understand they have been going out for 3 months now. Sure, it's not long... .but it is the longest one I have known her to have. My relationship with her was 2.5 months and there were periods where we broke up and quit talking for days. My replacement lasted a month and then he dumped her. The guy after that was about a week and he supposedly dumped her too. I have never got any confirmation from anybody else that she was "off" other than from herself.

I'm trying not too, but thoughts are running through my head that I somehow failed. She's not diagnosed, but she has a lot of the symptoms. She also has PTSD, was abused, and has Severe Depression (her words).

My brain is telling me that I know it's not all happy as I think it is, but then why are they still together? I tried everything to keep us together and she just wouldn't have it. What if he figured out how to make it work? Both of her other relationships after me, she was dumped... .not them.

I feel this is more of an ego thing than anything else. I'm starting to realize that most of my "happiness" while I was with her wasn't even real. It was either the fantasy of what our relationship was going to become when she moved back, or was made up in my mind after we broke up.

I'm also thinking that because we were only "official" when she went to another state, that I guess I'm jealous? He is able to be with her physically, while I could not be. Maybe that is what is allowing them to stay together longer? Maybe some part of me thought it would be all peachy once she got back? (which makes no sense, since she has raged at me then too)


This is all over the place, so I'll get back on topic. What have you guys/girls done to cope with the fact that someone else is having a longer relationship with your ex than yours? How do you deal with the self doubt?

[reachingoutuk]

Something that has been bothering me lately is the fact that my ex is seemingly having a stable relationship with someone.

Now, from what I understand they have been going out for 3 months now. Sure, it's not long... .but it is the longest one I have known her to have. My relationship with her was 2.5 months and there were periods where we broke up and quit talking for days. My replacement lasted a month and then he dumped her. The guy after that was about a week and he supposedly dumped her too. I have never got any confirmation from anybody else that she was "off" other than from herself.

I'm trying not too, but thoughts are running through my head that I somehow failed. She's not diagnosed, but she has a lot of the symptoms. She also has PTSD, was abused, and has Severe Depression (her words).

My brain is telling me that I know it's not all happy as I think it is, but then why are they still together? I tried everything to keep us together and she just wouldn't have it. What if he figured out how to make it work? Both of her other relationships after me, she was dumped... .not them.

I feel this is more of an ego thing than anything else. I'm starting to realize that most of my "happiness" while I was with her wasn't even real. It was either the fantasy of what our relationship was going to become when she moved back, or was made up in my mind after we broke up.

I'm also thinking that because we were only "official" when she went to another state, that I guess I'm jealous? He is able to be with her physically, while I could not be. Maybe that is what is allowing them to stay together longer? Maybe some part of me thought it would be all peachy once she got back? (which makes no sense, since she has raged at me then too)


This is all over the place, so I'll get back on topic. What have you guys/girls done to cope with the fact that someone else is having a longer relationship with your ex than yours? How do you deal with the self doubt?

I totally get where you are coming from with this post although there are slight variations with my situation.

I was with my ex nearly a decade, her longest relationship before me was 2 years.

Even though we have a daughter together she decided to replace me with & they have been together nearly a year currently.

Now I know for a fact that he too has taken a lot of on/off push/pull drama from her already but they are still together & she will tell anyone who will listen about how happy she is with him etc etc

It hurts me as those are the same things she used to say about me but now I'm the devil in her mind & the man she cheated on me with is the best thing That's ever happened to her.

That said, I know deep in my heart that it will only be a matter of time until either she gets bored or he has had enough but until that time comes I do have passing thoughts of could I & should I, have took more crap & tried harder to accommodate her ways?

Deep inside though I know I took enough mental abuse to last me a life time.

[shatra]

My brain is telling me that I know it's not all happy as I think it is, but then why are they still together?

=====Finish that sentence with "They are still together,,,for now".  It is unlikely to last, just as the previous ones didn't last.  They could still be together because the other person is still putting up with it for now, or it's still the honeymoon period for now, or your ex hasn't painted that one black for now.

   =====What evidence do you have that things will continue to work out between them?

[Schermarhorn]

My brain is telling me that I know it's not all happy as I think it is, but then why are they still together?

=====Finish that sentence with "They are still together,,,for now".  It is unlikely to last, just as the previous ones didn't last.  They could still be together because the other person is still putting up with it for now, or it's still the honeymoon period for now, or your ex hasn't painted that one black for now.

   =====What evidence do you have that things will continue to work out between them?

Just that they have lasted this long. 2 weeks into me meeting her, I was already receiving the blunt of her rages. I assume less than a month in was when my replacement started seeing it, and less than even a week for the guy after that.

I just don't see her being able to hide that part from him for 3 months. Either she is not doing it with him, or he has the patience of a saint.

[hopealways]

You will never know how truly stable and loving her new relationship is unless you're in it.  She is certainly doing the same things she did to you, BPD don't overnight change to wonderfully loving people.

[have gone nc]

It could be for several reasons?

How do you know that they havent had a break up already and he allowed her back?

Is he more co-dependant than the others and has no boundaries at all?

could he be BPD also, again showing no boundaries?

Just because they are still together, doesn't mean their not tearing strips off each other... .

I'm sure the guy before me is questioning why i lasted over three years and he only one, but i am MASSIVELY co-dependant and he doesn't know about the times I sat in my car in the middle of the night because of an episode or when i sat in my house being told how "I have no idea about what it's like" wishing I could just get to bed so I can sleep and not listen to it... .because I didnt phone him and tell him everytime it happened. I would now if I ever met him, just to give him validation.

If she is BPD or has many traits then she will be who she is, no matter what... .As sure as the day ends in Y, then she will show herself... .

I know what your mind is going through because i'm on my second BPD relationship and even though I have been here before, I'm still going through the same emotions but thats because I am what I am, as sure as the day ends in Y... .

Unless there has been a lot of work, A trauma, or Death... .We Are What We Are... .Fact!

[shatra]

Just that they have lasted this long. 2 weeks into me meeting her, I was already receiving the blunt of her rages. I assume less than a month in was when my replacement started seeing it, and less than even a week for the guy after that.

I just don't see her being able to hide that part from him for 3 months. Either she is not doing it with him, or he has the patience of a saint.

-----It might last longer than this, might last through next year---that does not mean it's stable or happy. Doesn't mean it will last forever. Just means your ex either hasn't shown true colors for now. Or the partner is putting up with it for now.  Keep remembering it's just for now.  He is disordered, especially in the area of relationships.

[Someguywrote]

Even if it does last forever, who cares? I can relate to the feelings of seeing my ex with someone else and wanting to see them fail. But the truth is, I'm better off without her. I don't want to waste the head space on what's going on in her life anymore.

Sure, it would be a hit to my ego to see her get married someday. Or have another child with someone else. But even if she finds the perfect partner and spends her life with him, I'll be okay.

Whether or not she cherishes (or even remembers) the intimacy we shared, I do. I was blessed to experience what I did. Good and bad. Things changed and she's gone now. Her life is no longer my concern.

And lately I've been getting with women so much better than her. It helps .