Exgf is meeting the guy she left me for today

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So after speaking to her 2 days ago (after 12 days NC) to try and get some answers and she said she doesnt love me anymore the exact same time she meets this "new friend" online I find out yesterday that today is the day she is meeting him in Brighton.

They have known each other about a month, never met before, only spoke online and met on Twitter.

I just cant believe I can be discarded after 4 years so easily for a guy she has never met. Its like a fantasy, she says she loves him, understands her and he has said the same to her. They have not even known each other long enough, how can this happen.

Really tough day for me today

[kyon147]

So after speaking to her 2 days ago (after 12 days NC) to try and get some answers and she said she doesnt love me anymore the exact same time she meets this "new friend" online I find out yesterday that today is the day she is meeting him in Brighton.

They have known each other about a month, never met before, only spoke online and met on Twitter.

I just cant believe I can be discarded after 4 years so easily for a guy she has never met. Its like a fantasy, she says she loves him, understands her and he has said the same to her. They have not even known each other long enough, how can this happen.

Really tough day for me today

[juniorswailing]

Mine is on holiday with her previous ex, probably in Spain somewhere.

Just think, it's him that will be getting all the crap soon not you!

[kyon147]

Mine is on holiday with her previous ex, probably in Spain somewhere.

Just think, it's him that will be getting all the crap soon not you!

Yeah I know I can think like that but at the moment it is all so fresh. Its just hard to come to terms with that she could throw it all away so easily just because some guys says a couple sweet words to her that she has never met.

[juniorswailing]

That's because you think things through rationally.

[kyon147]

That's because you think things through rationally.

Yeah and I guess I keep forgetting she does not. I am in denial that she has mental health problems and it was a normal relationship.

[juniorswailing]

well, don't make me come down there! 

[kyon147]

Haha thanks buddy, I dont know what I would of done without this board. It has helped me get some answers from someone who would and will never give me any honest ones.

I know I need to move on and I will, I know I should be with someone else who actually cares and can love properly.

I just hope that if she ever tries to come back I would of moved on. At the moment that terrifies me because if she came back next week, i would be too weak to say no.

[C.Stein]

It sucks getting dumped for another man.  Mine will swear up and down that is not what happened but if she is honest with herself that is exactly what happened.  She had broken me and I had ceased to provide her what she needed, someone to make her feel good about herself.

[willtimeheal]

My exBPD left me after 6 years for my replacement. It's devastating.  Deep down I always knew that day would come I just never listened to my gut. That is the biggest lesson i learned... .always trust your gut.

You will have good days and bad days. Try to stay busy. Force yourself to st out and do things. Talk to friends and family. I talked and talked. But I forced myself to meet friends and go to the gym and even smile when I didn't want to. It's hard but you will get through it. I am 14 months out and I still feel the sting.  People on this board will tell you it takes time and they are right. It's time to focus on you.

It took me a while to realize that at one point I was someone's replacement. Looking at it that way in some odd way helped me understand what happened to me. Good luck. It will get better.

[juniorswailing]

The difference between this board and your mate down the pub or in the office is that we know what's going on.

We've had it happen to us, we've researched it and we know where it is going to end up.

No-one without the experience of being in a relationship with a (u)BPD partner has a clue what they are talking about.

[BorisAcusio]

It took me a while to realize that at one point I was someone's replacement. Looking at it that way in some odd way helped me understand what happened to me. Good luck. It will get better.

[guy4caligirl]

Kyon


In my opinion ,loosing someone you love so deeply is devastated , and may take the joy out of  the simplest things we do in life ... .

That horrific switch from love to silence is the cruelest thing a human been could face .

Especially dealing with an encontrobale Borderline traits . Borderline of what ?   A sever mental  illness .

Nothing you can say or do that would feed commonsense in their complicated mind and the way it operates .

They can not only replace you as a former lover  :A good home to a bad home, from richer to poorer , from abusers to being abused .You name it !

We definitely can't take it personnel, if you think they don't think of us everyday like we do ,you are mistaking

THEY DO INDEED .

At the end, it doesn't change their tragic life and them trying to fix it, they just avoid thinking they did wrong ,they do regret ,yes but they won't show you any Mercy, it's an internal struggle they deal with for the rest of their lives , they make things up in their mind to justify their behaviors and sooth their fantasy world .

If they didn't  they will be more understanding  about what they causes to us none and themselves also ! Oh yeah !

Nothing but time and everything will be okay .

It's easier said than done I admit to that  :5 years RS  and 14 months after BU .

Guess what we are still here and life goes on slowly but surely we will gain back our lives  with or without them .

I will stay on this healing site and post what your feelings   everyday , if you like !

Guy .

[steve195915]

What I find interesting is that we all have the same experiences with our BPD partners actions like dumping us over seemingly nothing and then they're off with another just like that plus all the other negative issues we have to deal with when they are with us.  We all seem to want answers and want some explanation on how they can just move on so fast with seemingly no pain or remorse when our relationship felt to us was so deep and we're left devastated and in pain.  Yet we all seem to know that they do not think rationally like we do.  Then after all we had to endure, we take them back in a second when they're done with their other relationship, which was inevitable to happen because of their illness.  We take them back with an unrealistic expectation that things will be better this time when we know deep down they can't be helped.  So if we supposedly are normal and think rationally, and we know our BPD partner will not get better and the pattern will repeat over and over, why do we always want them back and take them back?  Why are we so weak when it comes to making wise decisions regarding our BPD relationship when in other aspects of our lives we may be very secure and self-confident.  Makes me wonder if we also have some mental illness.  Even after writing this, I can't wait to see my BPDgf later today and I want her in my life forever.  Last night we had a wonderful date and I start thinking that our relationship can be normal yet I know she'll soon blow up over some meaningless thing, she'll verbally abuse me, will purposely avoid my texts and calls, will not say "I love you" back in response to me, will break up or at least avoid me for days or weeks again, and even when we seem to be getting along great she will be looking for other options because of her fear that I may abandon her.  Oh well, I'm looking to spend a great weekend with her, lets see if we can have a weekend of bliss.  Still unrealistically hopeful!

[kyon147]

What I find interesting is that we all have the same experiences with our BPD partners actions like dumping us over seemingly nothing and then they're off with another just like that plus all the other negative issues we have to deal with when they are with us.  We all seem to want answers and want some explanation on how they can just move on so fast with seemingly no pain or remorse when our relationship felt to us was so deep and we're left devastated and in pain.  Yet we all seem to know that they do not think rationally like we do.  Then after all we had to endure, we take them back in a second when they're done with their other relationship, which was inevitable to happen because of their illness.  We take them back with an unrealistic expectation that things will be better this time when we know deep down they can't be helped.  So if we supposedly are normal and think rationally, and we know our BPD partner will not get better and the pattern will repeat over and over, why do we always want them back and take them back?  Why are we so weak when it comes to making wise decisions regarding our BPD relationship when in other aspects of our lives we may be very secure and self-confident.  Makes me wonder if we also have some mental illness.  Even after writing this, I can't wait to see my BPDgf later today and I want her in my life forever.  Last night we had a wonderful date and I start thinking that our relationship can be normal yet I know she'll soon blow up over some meaningless thing, she'll verbally abuse me, will purposely avoid my texts and calls, will not say "I love you" back in response to me, will break up or at least avoid me for days or weeks again, and even when we seem to be getting along great she will be looking for other options because of her fear that I may abandon her.  Oh well, I'm looking to spend a great weekend with her, lets see if we can have a weekend of bliss.  Still unrealistically hopeful!

I think it is because we are normal that we are like the way we are. The only thing I think we do all probably get from them in co-dependence but that is something they specifically set up in how they act and treat you throughout the r/s.

They are so scared you will run away, that they do everything in their power to make you become attached them in an unhealthy way. When they have done that they must feel something else and have to move onto the next person to get the same "happy fix" they once for from you when you were not being right under their thumb.

If history tells me anything and this board. They are never happy, never will be.

I beat myself up thinking what is wrong with me, what did I do wrong. When i did do nothing wrong. I was supportive, loving, caring always put her first to help her and in return I got screwed over. Did she love me, yes I believe she did, does she still, yes i think she does even when she said she does (switching off in a month). But how we perceive love and them will forever remain a mystery.

Will she ever come back, if its anything like this board yeah. Will i be ready, I have no idea, its been 2 weeks since we broke up and 2 days since the last NC. One things for sure, I will heal, she will not.

The cycle of her life is set in stone, mine is not. I miss her and love her but time will change that for me regardless.

[guy4caligirl]

Steve

You raised a very interesting question that I bet you ,it will touch everyone on the site!

Very true .

Could be the injection of their toxic thinking in our mind ,or perhaps we know we can do better with them now that we learned a lot about the illness ,we will be looking into a different angle at their outburst and episodes , behaviors ask them kindly to lay off of texting a third party  ,also  not to  take their action  it personally  ?

Could it be that we take them back to feel good and if they go this time , it's okay we quenched our thirst for all these unanswered questions and got our fix or dose for the last time so after all that we go in peace  ?

In my opinion it is worth the try to take them back ,keep in mind you can't bring them back they have to initiate that , I feel I am in that stage now if she does I will but not that easy now 

What are your comments ?

Enjoy your company  Kyron and remember to validate her with moderation and don't talk about the past okay ?

[steve195915]

Steve

You raised a very interesting question that I bet you ,it will touch everyone on the site!

Very true .

Could be the injection of their toxic thinking in our mind ,or perhaps we know we can do better with them now that we learned a lot about the illness ,we will be looking into a different angle at their outburst and episodes , behaviors ask them kindly to lay off of texting a third party  ,also  not to  take their action  it personally  ?

Could it be that we take them back to feel good and if they go this time , it's okay we quenched our thirst for all these unanswered questions and got our fix or dose for the last time so after all that we go in peace  ?

In my opinion it is worth the try to take them back ,keep in mind you can't bring them back they have to initiate that , I feel I am in that stage now if she does I will but not that easy now 

What are your comments ?

Enjoy your company  Kyron and remember to validate her with moderation and don't talk about the past okay ?

I think you're right that we tell ourselves that we can handle their outbursts and episodes better the next time and that we can do better at not taking things personally and that things will be better the next time... .but seriously, we know or should know by now their mental illness can't be cured, we can make things a little better but they will have an outburst again, they will lie, they will be looking for other options, there will be another breakup.  We keep thinking illogically that we can make everything ok and that their mental illness can be overcome.  Where's the logic in that?

[Suzn]

I'm sorry you're hurting right now kyon.    In the end of my r/s there were 3 other people involved romantically with my exBPDgf, all hanging out together but not knowing each were involved with her. 

The only thing I think we do all probably get from them in co-dependence but that is something they specifically set up in how they act and treat you throughout the r/s.

What I found out later was her illness was there long before I met her and my codependence was also there long before I met her. She couldn't be alone, literally, for any amount of time. I, didn't want to give up my "family" as there were children involved.

But how we perceive love and them will forever remain a mystery.

Digging a little deeper into why we stayed gives us the answer about how we perceive love and our partners. Because of my desire for a family, the one I never had, I readily gave in to the idolization and fought the devaluation fiercely. It was like needing her to prove my worth when in fact I needed to take the reins and prove my self worth to myself. There was a glimmer of self worth as I stepped out of the drama and started working on me.

In my case as a codependent, this wasn't love, this was need. We both had a need to fulfill, a void to fill, albeit for different reasons. 

[kyon147]

Just an update:

Him and her have gotten together on FB officially. We have been broken up for 13 days.

I always wondered if my exgf had BPD and now even without an official diagnosis I know now she does.

Funny enough though this has actually made it easier to move on ha.

[juniorswailing]

That's when you know you've done the right thing.

Mine is away back to her last ex, until she gets fed up with him.

He probably thinks Yes!

I'm thinking YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

[kyon147]

So she texted me this morning.

Hi, sorry to have to contact you about this but K**** (my friend) got pretty abusive towards me last night.

Regardless of whether he and you hate me I don't appreciate being called a psychotic.

I've blocked him and his number but please can you ask him never to attempt to contact me again.

I don't think this is your doing, but it's still out of order.

Now, why would she need to tell me, to tell him to not talk to her again after she has already done everything to block him. For me this seems like it is her way of testing if I will talk to her, like be baited back into a discussion.

This all happened after she got with the guy she left me for last night on FB just 13 days after leaving me, saying she wanted to be on her own. My friend obviously, pissed comments on the status saying "13 days after 4 years wow" and she then rips into him calling him names and everything under the sun. So as expected he did not hold back either.

I think it is funny (ironic) that she has laid out that text to specially try and get me to sympathise with her and not telling me that actual story.

[juniorswailing]

What you going to do then?

[Suzn]

For me this seems like it is her way of testing if I will talk to her, like be baited back into a discussion.

Hi, sorry to have to contact you about this but K**** (my friend) got pretty abusive towards me last night.

Regardless of whether he and you hate me I don't appreciate being called a psychotic ___.

I've blocked him and his number but please can you ask him never to attempt to contact me again.

I don't think this is your doing, but it's still out of order.

This is a drama triangle and an attempt to pull you into it. Can you determine which role she is playing and what role she expects you to play? It's not a test to see if you will talk to her.

The Karpman  Triangle, described by Stephen Karpman and elaborated by many others, is a very useful tool for understanding "stuck" relationship dynamics. The idea is that we often find ourselves playing out scripts. These roles feel safe, as they are familiar; we slip into as comfortable as we sink into the us-shaped indent in our own beds. But they are very limiting. They keep us trapped.



PERSPECTIVES: Ongoing Relationship Conflict/ Karpman Drama Triangle

[kyon147]

For me this seems like it is her way of testing if I will talk to her, like be baited back into a discussion.

Hi, sorry to have to contact you about this but K**** (my friend) got pretty abusive towards me last night.

Regardless of whether he and you hate me I don't appreciate being called a psychotic .

I've blocked him and his number but please can you ask him never to attempt to contact me again.

I don't think this is your doing, but it's still out of order.

This is a drama triangle and an attempt to pull you into it. Can you determine which role she is playing and what role she expects you to play? It's not a test to see if you will talk to her.

The Karpman  Triangle, described by Stephen Karpman and elaborated by many others, is a very useful tool for understanding "stuck" relationship dynamics. The idea is that we often find ourselves playing out scripts. These roles feel safe, as they are familiar; we slip into as comfortable as we sink into the us-shaped indent in our own beds. But they are very limiting. They keep us trapped.



PERSPECTIVES: Ongoing Relationship Conflict/ Karpman Drama Triangle

She is the victim and wants me to be the rescuer, like i have been in the past.

What you going to do then?

I am going to do nothing, i deleted the message and I am not replying. i am done with her, she can do whatever she wants because I am not going back to her and I dont want to speak to her again. I tired for so long, was the best boyfriend she will ever have and she threw it away like nothing.

She made her choice, now she has to live up to the consequences. She was always scared of losing be completely even after a break up. Now she has.

I am going to work on myself, get back my happiness she took away, meet new people, fly to Japan next month to see some friends and get on with my life and then find someone who is worth of receiving my love and someone who would do the same.

[juniorswailing]

Good stuff.

Japan sounds like a good idea.

[Suzn]

I am going to do nothing, i deleted the message and I am not replying.

I am going to work on myself.

[kyon147]

I am going to do nothing, i deleted the message and I am not replying.

I am going to work on myself.

It is really hard though, even though my brain says that. My heart hurts for her, wants her by my side. I just know I have to try and move on even though with every fibre I dont want to even though she is currently swung from the branch of mine over to this over guy just 13 days after leaving me. She had him set up before we broke up and it hurts.

I am just stuck but moving.

[Suzn]

I am just stuck but moving.

Kyron it's been just 2 weeks since your actual breakup. I'm sorry you're hurting, it's perfectly normal to be right where you are right now.    Stick with us, keep posting. It helps.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Irony is that if she were in a fire, you would jump in the fire to rescue her... .and so should you.  She would be a human being in imminent danger.  However, the type of "rescue" she is seeking is a rescue from her inner pain.  Which is only in her own control to mitigate.  For you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.  You can only have respect and affection and even love... .but you can't change a person.

Knowing your own limitations is a liberating force.  Whatever decision you make... .to stay or go... .must be based on a thorough knowledge of this disorder and its effects on the people who love a disordered individual.  Staying means mastering certain skills and conviction that self-care is critical.  Leaving requires understanding of ones own limitations (you are not a clinician, nor a magician... .)... .and understanding that intense grief over loss is a reality that requires a different set of coping skills.

Although you have mentioned your reluctance to jump into the triangulation drama, your statement may be an angry response.  So, it would be wise to learn more about this disorder and the coping skills needed... .as a matter of self-assessment, not as a matter of evaluating or criticizing either of you.