Holidays - An Uncomfortable Time

[Mustbeabetterway]

Communication between my s/o and I are difficult in low stress times.  I always dread the holidays because inevitably i am anxious.  Traditionally, when my husband and I argue, I feel like it is the end of our r/s.

In the past year, i have been working on reducing my anxiety and calling a disagreement a disagreement and not a deal breaker.

The holidays just make getting along more difficult.  I think because there are more expectations, more family members, etc.

Anybody have success navigating the holidays?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chilibean13]

My H is on the verge of dysregulating. He is anxious for our trip to see his family. I'm anxious with all the things to do to prepare. He is feeling overly sensitive to criticism. This morning he almost had a meltdown over something minor, like coffee (if coffee can be a minor issue  ). I managed to slip out the door before it got bad. Sent him a text letting him know I feel anxious. He responded that he is too. I'm trying to share my feelings in hope that he will share his so they don't bottle up.

I'm also taking a new approach to packing. Usually I run around barking orders, but tomorrow we are going to take our time heading out the door. On the 6 hour drive we will strategize on what to do if his dad starts to escalate with him or his siblings. This is the first time he will see his family since starting T. I hope it goes well. We will have to also negotiate going to see his best friend. This is always a sore spot because I think his friend's wife is weird (she once told me she was an alien princess in a former life   and I get stuck hanging out with her while they go do guy stuff. His family believes in talking loudly, often, and over each other, plus about 12 kids are running around. It is a bit overwhelming for introverted childless me.

When we get home, H will feel like a child after being around his parents. He will want me to be his safety net and for 2 weeks he clings to me like a baby monkey clings to its mother. We had the forethought to set up T for Monday so maybe if there are any issues he can quickly work through them. I'm just glad we only make this trip 2X per year.

As soon as Thanksgiving is over he begins to fret over Christmas. Spending $ stresses him although we begin budgeting for Christmas in January and it is fully funded. He stresses about being around my drunk aunts who can turn a family function into the Maury Povich show in a heart beat. He sits in the corner not talking to anyone and I feel torn between socializing with family or leaving him in the corner. The wrong choice can lead to a blow up the next time we are alone. If I have a drink he gets annoyed but if he wants to drink then it's ok for me. Again, making the wrong choice can lead to a blow up. When family is in town we play poker. He doesn't want me to play for some reason. So I agree to play board games inside. He's ok with this until he gets bored. If I stay too long past that point, he blows up. So yeah, holidays are stressful.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Chilibean13.  Thanks for your reply.  I understand what you are saying about sharing your feelings.  I agree this is a good thing.  Over the years, i have shut down more and more because sharing has, in the past, lead to whatever i have shared being twisted and later used against me.  But, not sharing my feelings also results in not being understood.  Good point - I will be trying not to close myself off so much. 

My mother is elderly and will be staying with us for several days.  Yikes!  My brother and i are not on good terms and he let me know early in the year not to expect any help from him woth mom.  Although he expects financial help from her whenever he needs it.  My husband thinks I can somehow force my brother to help out with Mom.  He urges a knock down drag-out kind of confrontation.  I do not like confrontation.  Because I do not share my feelings until i cannot stand it any longer, I am usually beyond fed up when I confront anyone.  Not healthy! 

So thanks - sharing feelings will be a good goal.

I hope your trip goes better than expected! 

[RR4U]

Had therapy today which def helped before the holiday. I think I finally found someone that doesn't just sit there with a blank face when I say my story. Expressing feelings is a good goal to set. I also trying to be assertive. Wishing everyone a peaceful and less anxiety thanksgiving. Great to know my H is not the only one who gives a hard time. Decided to have a "quiet" day just us.

[Hope26]

My uBPDh is a total introvert at heart, but is very high-functioning and hides it well from others.  Actually he appears to be a jovial outgoing sort to many folks.  So he gets totally stressed out at the prospect of being surrounded by people for several hours, and will often get worked up into a raging episode of some sort before everybody arrives, with me as the target.  We have been the designated hosts for Thanksgiving for years, and tomorrow will have a dozen guests.  H has been very good for several months now, but I am hoping and praying the trend won't change tonight or in the morning.  So I can definitely relate to all your posts on this issue.  I wish for you and all of us, a happy and most of all peaceful holiday.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Happy Thanksgiving to all.  I am thankful to have found this site.  The sharing has helped me gain perspective and I value the member's input.  Hoping my sharing has helped some of you, even if just to know you are not alone in this struggle.

I have to report that my husband had a melt down two days ago.  We host about a dozen people as well, Hope 26.  Turns out I was mopping the tile floors and it smelled doggy.  We have a big inside baby of a dog.  Our house is very clean, but having a dog inside in a humid, hot climate is hard to combat.  I had also bathed the dog in our shower which it tirns out he had just bleached earlier - another problem he had with me.  Later in the evening the mop head was thrown at me while I was eating dinner.  Mopping liquid spilled into my food and the mop strings grazed the top of my head.

I tried to stay as centered as possible.  I was standing in the bathroom checking a phone text when he snatched my phone out of my hands and threw it across the bedroom.  Packed up a few things and put them in my car.  Dog was upset at the commotion.  I took him on a long nice walk and when i returned husband had hidden my purse and phone.

I finally just went upstairs in extra room I sometimes sleep in and went to bed.  The next morning he was almost calm and by later in the day it was as if nothing had happened.  He gave me the phone and purse.  No apology, just mentioned that he was embarrassed. 

Now he is trying to do everything to please me and i really don't like that because soon it will turn into "I have been kissing your ass and you don't appreciate it." 

I feel proud of myself that I did not do anything to escalate this any further.  In the past, i have reacted in ways that ruined the holidays for me.  I am determi ed not to let that happen.  I am getting better

I plan to get through the holiday - I have therapy on Saturday.  We are putting our house up for sell in January and I plan to separate.  He refuses to admit that he has any issues to work on and this cycle just continues on and on.  Until then, I am practicing ways to not take it personally, and staying centered, not reacting in ways that make it worse.

Maybe I will even have some enjoyable moments this season.  I pray it will be so for all of you.

[RR4U]

Hope everyone's thanksgiving was peaceful.  I'm so not ready for the next holiday.  Today I can say went very well up until a few min ago. I removed myself from the start of a fight and went into another room. He called my cell to say I didn't say goodnight REALLY! Which of course leads to him stating maybe he should just leave US like to just left the room.    Wish there was an easier way to make things normal for me. Only option I see is divorce. 

Good night and Happy Thanksgiving

[Mustbeabetterway]

Good job, RR4U.  Removing yourself is the best option sometimes to maintain some peace or let things calm down.  Often I find when I remove myself for a little while that things are much better when I return. 

It was difficult to break the habit of staying and trying to explain myself, etc. etc.  - 99% unsuccessful.  But, finally I get it.

[Chilibean13]

I hope everyone's Thanksgiving has went better than mine. I have completely failed in validation. No let me correct that--I purposely chose to react to my uBPD  because I was just so frustrated and fed up with him.

He dysregulstef yesterday morning because I questioned why he didn't want to have housekeeping clean our hotel room. A few minutes ago he flipped out because I "sided" with his mom by suggesting his BF come to his parents instead of us going to visit his BF. I'm his enemy. I don't choose his side. Blah blah blah.

I didn't care what he was feeling. I screamed and yelled back at him. It felt good to say what I felt. But I know I failed. We have one more day in Omaha. I want to go home. I want to cry. I want to leave but I know I won't because he will apologize later and no matter how much I don't want to, I'll forgive him until next time.  Sigh.

[Thread]

Yes! I've always said holidays have become burdensome with my BPD husband. He gets irritated and anxious with social activity which there is a lot of during the holidays, also buying gifts is super hard for him, receiving gifts is unpleasant nothing is ever what he wants, and he never acts appreciative of the time and effort I put into the holidays, meals, I buy all the gifts for the family, decorations etc. spending money is also an issue.