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Author Topic: She texted me once for $ and called me for an hour a week ago  (Read 701 times)
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« Reply #30 on: December 03, 2015, 11:14:13 AM »

This is good.

I am thinking about when she calls today to say it was my mistake to offer her the job and I think we should call it off it's not healthy.

So she really needs the money and the statement above could be invalidating.  

How can you navigate this to a place where everyone feels good, a strong and positive seed is planted, and then you let nature takes is course?
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« Reply #31 on: December 03, 2015, 11:28:51 AM »

Anyone, what is the best way to proceed?
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« Reply #32 on: December 03, 2015, 12:44:57 PM »

So you made this offer:

Excerpt
I will pay you that much so you can make some rent money and I would take care of all her expenses to the show and back, and suggested she can come back to my town and see that doctor and then fly back to her state. I felt that was important for her to know she is going back home.

And her response was:
Excerpt
Silly stuff from the past nothing important



and then

Excerpt
she changed the subject and mentioned what was on her mind at that moment, the rent thing and texted :"WOW right now I am stressing about finding a job  cause I have to pay rent my fiancée's dad gave me an ultimatum by Nov 15

It sounds like neither of you have confirmed what to do with this offer.

On the call today, she may want to pursue the offer.

I see you have a few options.

Say nothing if she doesn't broach the offer.

Say no deal (as you proposed, and Skip suggested would be invalidating) if she broaches the offer

Tweak the deal, with boundaries that are more clear -- find out what she is trying to accomplish by attending the show

Tweak the deal, with boundaries that are more clear, and ask to think about any details you need to think over -- this could be, you need to run numbers, or figure out details.

With another man in the picture, how he feels about all of this, and the question of where she will stay if she comes to town, and how much support you provide her, there are still unknowns.

Also, the tricky problem of her paying for botox when her rent is due.  

Whether to address that.


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« Reply #33 on: December 03, 2015, 01:23:30 PM »

 

It's sucks doesn't it ?

Love is blind as my grandma use to say !

I thought to write a text just like this not sure yet if I should to keep out of this possibly triangeling case . I am not up for that I just want ,

to get on living and put things behind me and if it happens let happen if not I keep going with my life .

Here is what I would say :

I know you need the money ,and I also know how hard it is for you to find a job that you like .

God forbid , if for any reason you are pressured or feel unwanted there at the condo and been put in another ultimatum to exit .

Rest assured that you can count on me to  be there for you then to discuss and see what's your next move .

Any comments ?

I am been text bombed at this minute while posting" so what's the bottom line she texted and advised me to always say this Bottom line   

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« Reply #34 on: December 03, 2015, 01:36:28 PM »

Okay !

I replied I see you have a few questions to ask me please do ?

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« Reply #35 on: December 03, 2015, 01:44:31 PM »

I know you need the money, and I also know how hard it is for you to find a job that you like .

God forbid , if for any reason you are pressured or feel unwanted there at the condo and been put in another ultimatum to exit .

Rest assured that you can count on me to be there for you then to discuss and see what's your next move .

Guy, this is probably not going to go over well and its over-reaching (you can count on me). It's hard to change communication style, I know. Remember, she asked, you offered, so the withdrawal is on your and at the very least, apologize.

I'd text her "can't talk now - will get back at______"  This will take the pressure off.

I see you have a few options.

Say nothing if she doesn't broach the offer.

Say no deal (as you proposed, and Skip suggested would be invalidating) if she broaches the offer

Tweak the deal, with boundaries that are more clear -- find out what she is trying to accomplish by attending the show

Tweak the deal, with boundaries that are more clear, and ask to think about any details you need to think over -- this could be, you need to run numbers, or figure out details.

Looks like 1 and 2 are not options.

Is working her good business? Can you set it up so that it is professional and constructive - or will it be messy? Are you in a good mental frame to do this? What do you want?
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« Reply #36 on: December 03, 2015, 02:00:36 PM »

I just did postpone the talk .

Very good advise I am going to the gym and have a good session , I'll get back with her latter now that the pressure is off .

 

No it's not good business at this time it was when i offered but i see no change in the way she proceed no firm answer just going around the subject .

I want her to intiate the move , if she wants to be with me i am not going to that route again no sir

She just text saying iok i will list my questions .

I want to stay calm and collective and am doing so thanks for all your help though
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« Reply #37 on: December 03, 2015, 02:22:31 PM »

her last text said :

1-Info on hotel accommodations

2-Exact times arrivals /departures

3-Money Details


I hope I get some help here from you all  , sounds to me cold and suits her needs only noting more which is normal though, not what I accepted a genuine will to help in buying and wanting to see me also .

Again her needs are first nothing changed .

I feel I need to opt out from all this mess .

Could someone help me get out of this thing about the market that I created for myself ,without further damage and come out of committing to her to meet , with dignity and respect for  myself ?
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« Reply #38 on: December 03, 2015, 06:05:24 PM »

I got a text from her at six asking "please get back with me "

I just text the hotel add the amount I will pay her ad the arrival and departure .

her last text was at 3 pm ET

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« Reply #39 on: December 03, 2015, 07:41:27 PM »

I'll chime in until someone helps... .In case that helps... .

Are you saying you paid the hotel?

I am not understanding.  I thought you did not yet come to any agreement?

I am not sure I understand, however, this sounds impulsive to me.

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« Reply #40 on: December 03, 2015, 07:45:53 PM »

What happened between this:
Could someone help me get out of this thing about the market that I created for myself ,without further damage and come out of committing to her to meet , with dignity and respect for  myself ?

and this:

I just text the hotel add the amount I will pay her ad the arrival and departure .

What feelings were going on for you?
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« Reply #41 on: December 03, 2015, 07:50:08 PM »

No feelings , I am done .  and I can handle it .
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« Reply #42 on: December 03, 2015, 07:51:14 PM »

Handle what?

What's the arrangement going to be?

Will you be taking her to the show and spending time with her?
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« Reply #43 on: December 03, 2015, 08:01:55 PM »

You cant make a blind horse see my closing statement !
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« Reply #44 on: December 03, 2015, 09:31:33 PM »

No feelings , I am done .  and I can handle it .

You may want to think this next step through carefully.
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« Reply #45 on: December 04, 2015, 08:18:24 AM »

... .she agreed to go to the market , I asked if her guy knows about all that , she said of course , I couldn't help it and said ,how can he allow that ,she goes , it's none of your concern . I then called off the deal .

I think I read too much into it and had false hopes hoping to reconcile ,but looks to me she has no feelings left for me .She wants her needs I can't meet her needs if she's living with someone else.

What next ,,,is just to back NC and put this last experience behind me .

Do I have another choice ?

Is her priorities in order ?
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« Reply #46 on: December 04, 2015, 10:42:44 AM »

Anyone available to advise ?
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« Reply #47 on: December 04, 2015, 11:21:52 AM »

Guy, you are injecting a lot of "unhealthy" into the situation right now.  You know that.

Your old relationship died. She moved on. A lot of time has passed. It's a new ball game now and you have to accept what that means in terms of what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior.

If you were to look at the best case scenario of her souring on her current relationship, ending the engagement, and leaving him, mourning and getting on firm ground, and then exploring the possibility relationship with you - you are sabotaging yourself.

... .another possible scenario is that she just needs work and she is want to build an employer/friend relationship with you.

... .another possible scenario is that she just being impulsive and isn't on a path to anything in particular.

All of these will look the same from your current vantage point and if you over-pursue you will loss your dignity and she will push away and dislike you.

Push and pull is not attractive. Bringing old resentments to bare is not attractive.  Violating boundaries is not attractive.

This is the key:

I think I read too much into it and had false hopes hoping to reconcile, but looks to me she has no feelings left for me is not in a relationship with me right now. She wants her needs asking for work and I can't meet her needs if she's living with someone else.

What next is just to back NC?

Do I have another choice ?

Your decision was to accept her call and go from NC/high tension, to have positive controlled contact with her. This means accepting her for who she is and where she is in life and making healthy decisions so that you have a constructive relationship with her (friendly ex, employer, possible future bf) and not a destructive one (fighting old battles, having an affair, becoming an orbitor, etc.)

You don't have to do any of this. If you want to go back NC/high tension, you can do that to.

You have choice. Let's use it to get to a better place.

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« Reply #48 on: December 04, 2015, 11:42:22 AM »

We had along texting period this morning and just ended now , I set my boundaries and end it like I should with dignity .

Thanks for all your help and hope some will benefit from my last adventure .
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« Reply #49 on: December 04, 2015, 12:41:01 PM »

Thanks for all your help and hope some will benefit from my last adventure .

What did you learn about you?
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« Reply #50 on: December 04, 2015, 01:24:08 PM »

This past year an a half was really painful more so than being in the 5 years relationship with an ex BPD  .

- I can't fix anyone they have to fix themselves  , accept the way they are or exit early on .

- Next time I will find someone I like , I am not going to take them for granted .

- I learned a lot about myself and why I stayed in a toxic relationship for that long I can't elaborate on the reasons but I know of them now , everyone is different and unique .

  -It's exhausting to have your way most of the time , got to accept that sometimes I can't but I sure do try my best .

- I used to don't take NO for an answer but now I know what it means ... .

-I feel that her impulse contact in my NC period was just like  dust in the wind , I thought I was healed , I read more in it so she opened my wounds but the bleeding is at it's minimum a band aid will be enough to close the wound .

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« Reply #51 on: December 04, 2015, 05:03:50 PM »

I have a question on my mind that is still bothering me .

If I am her new guy engaged and living with hurting for money ,I will never allow my fiancé to fly out of town and meet her ex for five years at a hotel 500 miles away for a buying show for 4 days and perhaps loose her this way ... .

Can someone explain the motive of that ?

Is that healthy in an engaged situation ?

Add to that  the timing of start charging rent since the dad owns the condo after 14 months living for free and jobless , and gave her an ultimatum to find a job prior to Nov 15 ? I don't know what would happen after that cut off date .


Does anyone had that happened to him or explain what's really going ?

Would you let your fiancée go to a buying trip with her ex of five years ?

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« Reply #52 on: December 04, 2015, 08:12:13 PM »

She just called me again for one hour and a half venting and crying they are putting too much pressure on her everyday to find a job, she knows I am the one that know she cant handle a regular simple job , the disorder cripple BPD 'S in a lot of different ways .

I was comprehensive and listened well and gave her my advise when she needed .

I made her  laugh a lot  and she felt better ,I even prayed for her and that  made her feel a whole lot better .

Now my assumption that they declare to run her away is very true , she even told me what she's feeling about it all . I don't want to use the word mask I will say the disorder manifested itself  in  front of the parents of the guy she's with been 10 years younger .

we decided to skip the market and go together for a trip , just to talk and be together ad see some old friends .

What a day can change God is our best guide ! Trust in him .

Again I am watching out for myself not to read in it too much I learned my lesson but I am sure there is something going on with the relation .

It feels so good to make a difference in someone else's life



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« Reply #53 on: December 04, 2015, 08:50:39 PM »

Are you saying that she is living with this other guy (her fiancé), perceives that she might get kicked out because she is not contributing financially to the household (there has been no breakup or talk of a breakup), and the two of you are now going on couples trip together (shared rooms, etc.)?

Again I am watching out for myself not to read in it too much I learned my lesson but I am sure there is something going on with her relationship.  

Doing the market together was a toe in the water and a chance to assess the situation.

Is this a blind jump off of a cliff? You've been separated for months. You're still raw. She is desperate and on the "down low"... .that lots of risk.

It feels so good to make a difference in someone else's life.

So what happens when he finds out? Or kicks her out for cheating? She can't support herself, right?

Think it through.
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« Reply #54 on: December 04, 2015, 09:12:10 PM »

No skip

Nothing of that nature , no physical contact or anything like that if she is still with him, I never cheated on her and she never cheated on me .

He is not helping much in making sure she doesn't have to pay rent he pressure her also .

I am staying out of all this . I just answer if she calls no talk about us .Also am not sure where this is going I learned my lesson .not to look into it much, she mentioned the trip not me btw . but again I am calm and just being me.

Any advice

Is this a blind jump off of a cliff? You've been separated for months. You're still raw. She is desperate and on the "down low"... .that lots of risk.


You  motioned that what do you by lots of risks ?
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« Reply #55 on: December 04, 2015, 09:32:09 PM »

A trip together sounds to me like too much, too soon and at risk for lots of things to go wrong. There are other ways to explore things and learn that aren't as high risk.

I'm going to step aside, I'm dominating this thread.  Let's get others involved.

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« Reply #56 on: December 04, 2015, 09:36:55 PM »

Hi Guy,

Earlier, you wrote:

Excerpt
I do not believe in a friendship after a romantic relationship

So this:

Excerpt
we decided to skip the market and go together for a trip , just to talk and be together ad see some old friends

is in conflict with what you wrote about friendship not being possible. If that isn't possible, then you are _____________.

You're managing your emotions, some of the actions are not syncing up with what you're saying... .intentions and values. This is how we get tumbled so badly in relationships, we lose sight of the guideposts.
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« Reply #57 on: December 04, 2015, 10:01:28 PM »

I agree , I am assessing the position am in right now ,I am not trying to be friends, I am just there for her she is a mess at this moment and her parents do not even care ,and it looks like that guy she's  with is about tired of it , so she has no one but me , I do love her , I want to sleep on all this , and  go from there she was pretty down and under wanting to die, I never heard her saying that ever before , I comforted her and made her night more pleasant she might not know what she was talking about concerning the trip or the market together but I listened and said ok we will if you want to .

As for me I am just surprised of that change in one day she kept calling but couldn't tell me straight she's in trouble to find a job she finally vented out tonight that she is not that secure there . first time she said that in 14 months .

Tomorrow is another day .  

I knew something wasn't right since she first called and text about two weks ago when I started posting again . I was NC 120 days .

PS English isn't my native language some words I use come out strong maybe misplaced in a sentence I know what am doing though my conscience is very clear and clean,  god only knows so  Liveandlearned  You don't have to worry much about me . I do still firmly believe that friendship isn't possible after a romantic relationship so I am not-----------
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« Reply #58 on: December 07, 2015, 10:19:46 AM »

I would like to share , my knowledge with those hoping to reconcile .

IMO there is nothing you can do or didn't do to reverse the outcome and reconcile , you all know it takes two.

If you are in the process of dating think of it this way hope that you find what you're looking for and remain NC with the ex Let things fall in place , as they always do.

Don't you think ?
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« Reply #59 on: December 07, 2015, 10:46:10 AM »

there is nothing you can do (or didn't do) to reverse the outcome and reconcile, you all know it takes two

Seems overly "black and white", guy.  Being cool (click to insert in post)

I think it would help to operate a bit more in the middle. If you look at this last "adventure" you flipped flopped from "hopes of instant reconciliation" to "no contact/no hope". You book her for a job, un-booked her - planned a trip, went "no contact" - she was trying to test the waters and connect but when it didn't met you full expectations, you reversed position.

I suspect this is not over between the two of you - there will be more contact - and it will end the same way if you push this hard and flip from one extreme to another.  I'm not suggesting that you should or should not reconcile, but rather suggesting that you steady your approach when dealing with relationship partners.

there is nothing you can do (or didn't do) to reverse the outcome and reconcile, you all know it takes two

Lots of people reconcile.  Some have mid-term or brief recycles.  Many don't reconnect.  One size doesn't fit all.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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