Am I right with NC?

[Cane787]

After many many years  of a relationship with a high functioning borderline and recent happy reunion, I noticed the covert abuse and passive aggressive gas lighting starting back up. After many years, I know all the signs to where we are heading towards regarding her condition. She always refers to our problems as "we" "us" ... but deep down she knows it's HER. So I wrote a compassionate, honest letter. I told her what covert abuse she did, how it made me feel and due to it I would be forced to stay out of her life. Although I did mention towards the end, What can be done to solve this?

I didn't receive a response, and felt good about it. (for the first time.) I decided this was my escape route and go NC to really move on with my life. I relished in the silence. Almost a month went by then she texted how I meant the world to her and she may not treat me as though I would like, but she loves me. (what a crock, I ask for nothing more than love and respect.) But this reaching out FIRST was new, for her.

I haven't responded, but am curious, am I right to go forward and escape from her long lived covert abuse? Or was I cruel to not respond to her reaching out even though she never acknowledged the well written honest letter? I hate she lives with this condition (while doing nothing about it), and I will always love her, but I don't want to be cruel to her mental illness. Will she know deep down she got all her answers in the letter, I'm done with her crossing boundaries, and she took almost a month to say anything.

I don't want to spend the next thirty years putting her first as I have for too long, but this is torturous since I am a forward extroverted communicator.

[Learning_curve74]

No contact is just a tool, we get to choose whether or not to use it. It almost always feels good to express ourselves but it can feel bad when it turns into an argument or we get a silent treatment in response.

Did you pretty much say everything you wanted and needed to say in your letter? What more do you want to add after she replied? Are you open to trying to be in a relationship with her again?

I'll tell you something about my own personal experience. I am OK to communicate with my BPD exgf, but we pretty much hashed everything out the last time we broke up. I am still in touch with her now and then, and I do let her know that I still love and care for her. I am not interested in getting back together because she is not the right person for me to have a healthy relationship with. Life is short and I have no desire to waste time trying to build a life with the wrong choice of partner.

You probably don't want to engage in a non-productive argument, i.e. you're covertly abusive/no I'm not/yes you are. One thing that is dogma in dealing with bad relationships is this: Take care of yourself. Do what honors your values and is healthy for you.

[hurting300]

I think it would be right for you to respond  And tell her how you feel. Ignoring the situation will not magically make it go away. Respond.

[Itstopsnow]

When I went back the cycle happened faster and he never fully dated me exclusively again, he wasn't done with my original replacement . But he wanted to date me in a few months. Where was she for that month, likely dating someone else or many people even. Going back will suck you into that dynamic , unless you are years out, I recommend staying NC. She didn't seem to care about your feelings everything she hurt you and destroyed what you worked so hard to build with her. They never meet a person half way in any relationship. Maybe in the beginning it feels that way, but they are manipulating and not respecting you as a person right from the start by stepping over boundaries and making you see them all the time, setting you up for dependence on them. Feel good, she came back but let her go, maybe in a few years when your in a totally different space you can open communication, but by ten maybe you won't even want to. None of these people ever really respected us or loved us more than their most selfish wants and impulsive needs. They didn't even consider us . In their actions, words or inactions

[Cane787]

Itstopsnow - you were right. I appreciate all the feedback here and value the opinions since we have all lived these experiences in our individual ways.

As pointed out in earlier commentary, I replied to her. I was compassionate, but honest in how I felt and addressed what she was trying to ignore with her love bomb. I ended it with the truth that I believed she loved me, and I would always love her. The text was read, no reply.

Even if she had replied I know her well enough to know I would have been punished severely for having a backbone and voice.

So it gave me the answer that I did not in fact mean the world to her. I only did in that moment of time when she needed me and reached out. It also told me I can not withstand her emotionally stunted poor communication, and I have nothing to feel guilty about. Whether it was wrong or right, my tool of NC is now warranted and necessary.

[hurting300]

Itstopsnow - you were right. I appreciate all the feedback here and value the opinions since we have all lived these experiences in our individual ways.

As pointed out in earlier commentary, I replied to her. I was compassionate, but honest in how I felt and addressed what she was trying to ignore with her love bomb. I ended it with the truth that I believed she loved me, and I would always love her. The text was read, no reply.

Even if she had replied I know her well enough to know I would have been punished severely for having a backbone and voice.

So it gave me the answer that I did not in fact mean the world to her. I only did in that moment of time when she needed me and reached out. It also told me I can not withstand her emotionally stunted poor communication, and I have nothing to feel guilty about. Whether it was wrong or right, my tool of NC is now warranted and necessary.

If you told her, It's best not to speak anymore than you really are not doing anything wrong. As long as you didn't just "disappear"

[Cane787]

Yes I agree. I didn't want to do what she done to me thousands of times, I know that sounds bitter, but I really didn't want to be anything like her. I knew she wouldn't reply because I took days to answer, she must be in control and it's a one way street with her. But for my conciense, I was compassionate, honest, and ended it with telling her I love her. (I do.) But it's time I let go for my own sanity sake.

[thisagain]

I'm glad you feel good about your decision now! You really don't need to justify it to us, her, or anyone other than yourself. If you feel it's "warranted and necessary" for you today, then it is, and we support your choice. 

I do think it's generally fair to tell the other person that you don't want to talk to them anymore, before going NC. Which it sounds like you did? My ex ghosted on me a few weeks ago and it really tore me apart even though I wanted NC (and told her that when we re-established contact). In most situations I think it's cruel and disrespectful to just disappear. Although I also get that some people have to go NC without warning because any communication could expose them to abuse or serious harm.

What is your plan for enforcing your NC boundary if she contacts you again? I've found that it's best to be prepared for that possibility, rather than just hoping or assuming it won't happen.

[Cane787]

Thanks @thisagain. I am not sure what to do if she contacts me again. I know it will hurt like hell because I love her and naturally, don't wish to cause her any pain. In fact, I found it easier to not give her a heads up, but now that I've let her know I am sure she hates my guts and I'm painted black. I find it hard to believe she will contact me since she is extremely passive aggressive and revengeful. Knowing her she will do it another way, conveniently running in to me, trying to make me jealous, the usual.

All I know is I genuinely love her and would have stayed by her side had she went into therapy and put in to action the loving gestures she so easily said.

After putting up with all of this for almost thirty years something turned off in me when she didn't acknowledge that loving letter until almost a month later.

It just told me this will never end. So I may have done the right thing, because just as you, I myself have been the recipient thousands of times over with a disappearing act/silent treatment from her. It's beyond cruel, I know what you mean. So I may have done the right thing with answering her with the truth but won't she be more out to get me back now? As in acting out? Revenge tactics? Or do they shamefully walk away with regret?

[thisagain]

All I know is I genuinely love her and would have stayed by her side had she went into therapy and put in to action the loving gestures she so easily said.

I hear you! And for almost thirty years too, I can't imagine. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Since my breakup I've found that it's really freeing to stop worrying about how she'll respond, and just do what I feel is right. For me, that meant telling her why I wasn't willing to get back together with her and why I didn't want to maintain contact with her. It made her mad, probably made her paint me blacker, but I think it was the right thing to do for myself and my mental well-being at the time. I spent two years terrified to say anything like that to her, and I wanted to show myself that I'm brave enough to stand up for myself when someone hurts me and I don't have to let her control me like that.

It's really hard to predict how she'll respond to the NC or to being told how you feel about it. As I'm sure you know very well after such a long relationship, part of BPD is that their emotions change a hundred times a day. I try to just do what I think is right, decent, and fair to both of us.

[Cane787]

You're absolutely right.

That's an excellent point.

I hope to get to the healthy level you are at, I like how you focus on what is good for you, for once, I'm sure.

It's absolutely gratifying to connect with people such as yourself to lean on. Such a bittersweet experience to have loved someone who changed my life for the better, and most certainly for the worse.

How has things been for you since going NC?

Your reminding me to stick with my boundaries, bravery and what is best for both she and I only reinforced my strength. I am grateful.

[Suzn]

Hello Cane787  

I'm sorry you've been struggling with your gf. 30 years together is a long time. Breaking all contact after that amount of time would be difficult for anyone. NC is a tool to help you get a foothold emotionally so that if you do decide to be in contact you are better prepared to deal with it. Needing space after a breakup is pretty normal. Controlled contact, after a period of time, is a compassionate way to release an ex with grace.

If she contacts you again and if you want to use controlled contact, you simply set up times when you can talk. You determine to length of time when you make contact (I have about 20 minutes before I have to go to ___ (work, school, the gym, etc... you fill in the blank) After that time is up let her know you have to go but can talk again ____ (two days from now, next week, etc... you pick) Eventually stretching the times for conversations out in duration and keeping the conversations boring. This helps with feelings of abandonment for them and for us. Again, 30 years is a long time my friend.

So I may have done the right thing with answering her with the truth but won't she be more out to get me back now? As in acting out? Revenge tactics? Or do they shamefully walk away with regret?

Not everyone with BPD is the same, you know her best. Did any of these things happen during the month you had NC? I'm not saying these things won't happen however playing the "what if" game with yourself about what might happen is wasted energy. It can also cause us anxiety waiting for the other shoe to drop. Turning your focus to you, working on being centered and calm right now might help you be more prepared to handle anything that comes your way. We can't control what someone else does, only how we react to it.

[Cane787]

Thanks, Suzn. This was great advice as well. I really am thankful for your compassion as well. Sadly, this year I realized I've had cluster B relationships my entire life and always been the caretaker all along with developing my own issues from a lifetime of emotional abuse. Hence, how my exBPD and thirty years of covert abuse.

The worse part, I would love to have her in my life. I am happier with her around. Until the gas lighting, mirroring, hunting down my friends, covert abuse, passive aggressive, coldness begins, she is great and has a good heart. It just never lasts.

I will try my best to take your excellent advice into account. I don't believe it would work with her. Unfortunately, I've spoiled her for too long. And the spark with us always turns into the inferno we can't avoid. No boredom. No matter how hard we try. All I can hope for is for her stay away and for me to stay strong. If not, I fear I will be affected by her disorder for the rest of my life.