First question here

[Scopikaz]

Ok. My story. I met a woman who was unhappily married. We started talking (first red flag) and for three months intense sharing occurred via social media between us. We eventually met and nothing happened. Then a month later it turned sexual. That was almost two years ago. Three months later she filed for divorce and we started seeing more of eachother.

She lived two hours away at the time but moved back closer (she was from here).

She was 39 and she didn't have biological custody of her children (second flag) from her first marriage (third flag). Yes she had been married twice.


She also spoke of at least one relationship that ended poorly in between those marriages. And I found out she had moved multiple times with her three children after her first divorce.

I'm not naive enough to think there wasn't sowing of wild oats going on too.

But that's why she lost her children due to instability

So she was drop dead gorgeous in my opinion and in others too. But we started going out a lot more when she moved closer. She lived with a friend who is younger and I would say into drinking a good bit

Misti found out I was texting other women some of which I had known since high school (I was 47 and she was 39). These women were nothing more than friends who were helpful to me after my divorce. Also I had maintained friendships with former girlfriends after breakups

She made me delete them from fb and as contacts from phone but only after a huge argument. And then I re friended them afterwards and she found out. 

But eventually she moved In with me


She definitely for her beauty has extreme jealousy. Feelings of worthlessness.  Insecurity. Felt like and told me I would never be with someone like her. Just so many of the things I've read about either BPD or someone with extreme emotional insecurity.

Admittedly I didn't help that. She never knew her biological father. Step father and mother divorced. Mother made her feel worthless growing up. Two failed marriages. At least one other failed relationship.  Lost her children etc

She is all but broke. She has few belongings in this world. Doesn't even have her own bed or dresser.  No kitchen table or chairs. Just very little.

I sent her a message recently. Was probably admittedly harsh. Asked where are we going, what are her priorities (she seems to enjoy a drink more than I and a good club - though we rarely went to any, we had recently a couple times with her single sister who is also emotionally unstable).

I also used the word loser in questioning her friends. I know. Dumb.

Anyhow four days later she moved out.

She has so much good In her though. And I can't help but think I drove her away by making her feel more worthless and insecure instead of loving her better

I do want her back but I doubt she will have a change of heart either now or in future.

And she moved back in with the younger girl who likes to party

Can I get her back and why do I even want to ?

[Scopikaz]

Also I don't know she has BPD, either way I see my role in driving her away

And either way I still love her and hope she will come back as she was great in

So many ways. 

[C.Stein]

Also I don't know she has BPD, either way I see my role in driving her away

And either way I still love her and hope she will come back as she was great in

So many ways. 

Can you explain how she was great in so many ways?  What qualities and characteristics about her do you truly love?  Leave out the physical appearance and great sex when you do.  Those two things don't define a persons character.

[Scopikaz]

Yes, she is a great listener. She loves to help others.  She has a great relationship with her mother now even after the rough childhood with her. She is a peacemaker. Doesn't like for people to argue or fight. Genuinely seemed to love me. Early on after she moved in she wanted us to do counseling to work on us (which I think meant change me) because she craved quality time and attention which I should have done more of. Loves Christian music. Loves her children immensely even though she doesn't have custody. Etc

[wakingfirst]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  It's really tough, and my heart goes out to you.

The thing about insisting you cut ties with other people is, to me, a huge red flag.  Please do not let this woman isolate you. 

It is entirely possible that she IS in many ways a lovely person with a good heart but also very damaged and incapable of being in a stable relationship with anyone.  Which is not your fault and not a thing you can fix.  Please be gentle with yourself. 

[Scopikaz]

Bottom line I could have been more understanding and loving from day one with or without BPD.  She definitely suffers from some form of emotional insecurity.  But I could have loved her unconditionally.  I only hope she will one day reconsider if we are both single and ever cross paths again. Actually her refrigerator is still

In my garage so we sort of have a connection still.  I am going to try to move on and go no contact. But I suspect I will reach out to her in a month after holidays.

Is she just a torchered soul who requires much attention or is it something that would have eventually happened no matter what I did or did not do?

[C.Stein]

Is she just a torchered soul who requires much attention or is it something that would have eventually happened no matter what I did or did not do?

If she does suffer from BPD, then chances are it would have happened regardless of what you did.  I loved my ex unconditionally for the most part and gave her a lot of support, love and understanding in the beginning of our relationship ... .at the expense of my own emotional well being.  This for the most part was not reciprocated, but rather she continue to emotionally hurt me, which pushed me away and I distanced myself from her and that pain.  The more she hurt me the more distance it created and that really hurt the relationship.  It is exceptionally hard to continue to be supportive when you are living in the FOG 24/7 and are almost constantly feeling some type of emotional pain.  Every time I allowed myself to get emotionally closer to her I got burnt.