Any Nons out there go to therapy after breakup and get a borderline diagnosis?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After 4 years on and off with undiagnosed BPDex, I ended it 23 days ago, realizing there was nothing more I could do and to focus on trying to solve my own problems instead of hers. I've long suspected I have ADHD and that was part of the reason I got so distracted from everything else in life and focused solely on her so I went to a psychiatrist today to get a diagnosis, I assumed was obvious.

He tells me I'm on the bipolar spectrum with Borderline tendencies.

You can imagine how astonishing this is for me, spending 4 years as I have, believing she was BPD and researching so much about it.

Some of it does make sense so I'm open to the idea that I might have tendencies but right now I'm wondering:

a.) If a lot of time spent with a BPD will cause a Non to inherit some of the behaviours 

and also

b.) If it is common for people with BPD tendencies to attach to each other? Part of the reason that I loved her so much was because I'd felt like we had known each other all our lives and in many ways I felt like I had found a female version of me. I assumed this was because she was mirroring me but maybe I was a bit borderline as well?

Any other "Nons" out there have anything like this happen to them?

[barterbarter]

After 4 years on and off with undiagnosed BPDex, I ended it 23 days ago, realizing there was nothing more I could do and to focus on trying to solve my own problems instead of hers. I've long suspected I have ADHD and that was part of the reason I got so distracted from everything else in life and focused solely on her so I went to a psychiatrist today to get a diagnosis, I assumed was obvious.

He tells me I'm on the bipolar spectrum with Borderline tendencies.

You can imagine how astonishing this is for me, spending 4 years as I have, believing she was BPD and researching so much about it.

Some of it does make sense so I'm open to the idea that I might have tendencies but right now I'm wondering:

a.) If a lot of time spent with a BPD will cause a Non to inherit some of the behaviours 

and also

b.) If it is common for people with BPD tendencies to attach to each other? Part of the reason that I loved her so much was because I'd felt like we had known each other all our lives and in many ways I felt like I had found a female version of me. I assumed this was because she was mirroring me but maybe I was a bit borderline as well?

Any other "Nons" out there have anything like this happen to them?

[steelwork]

No, not exactly... .

Like you, I started therapy in the aftermath. I have a long history of depression, and I was sinking fast. I got hooked up with a therapist and a psychiatrist to prescribe meds. At one point, they switched psychiatrists on me (because it's a training clinic, and my old dr cycled out). We had a getting-to-know-you session, I told her about myself--my unstable childhood, my unstable relationships, the affair I'd had. She asked if anyone had discussed the possibility of a personality disorder with me. I was pretty shocked, and I asked what she had in mind. She said something about cluster B, and BPD in particular.

But this person didn't know much about me--just my history. And as it happened, I was scheduled for some very thorough psych testing, and they told me they found no evidence of a personality disorder. Just a hella lotta depression and hypervigilant tendencies and trauma.

BUT. I do think my background and my emotional instability had a lot to do with my relationship with the probably-borderline person. We understood a lot about one another. We both had been through the wars. And I'm afraid it's true that "normal" can feel boring to me. I always gravitate to the ones who are different, one way or another--the kooks, the broken ones, the maniacs, the geniuses.

So I would not be surprised if there were a tendency for people with these tendencies to find one another.

[Climbmountains91]

I am a recovering BPD, in psychotherapy three days a week, half ten til half two. I did have thoughts after, did EX rub tis off on me this but in therapy I've realised from my past history, behaviours etc... that its definite. We got diagnosed by the same consultant as well, small world eh!

Its funny because a six months before hand, BPD told me about his diagnoses and I read ALOT of it and it was like in some aspects I was reading me, I wouldn't say I was AS bad.

I did have a diagnoses of Aspergers in my teens but felt it never fitted as it never explained why I hated myself soo much and why I wanted to die all the time and had these behaviours.

I don't need to explain our relationship, two BPD's together, do the math.

That didn't really answer your questions and I'm sorry that I cant, but sure someone on the board will.

[steelwork]

Actually, it was the conversation with that Dr that set me to looking up BPD, and though it didn't seem to fit me (I am all about nuance, for example--incapable of black/white thinking, and could not mirror someone to save my life), just about every description I read sounded like my ex. And then all the mysteries of the last three years began to make sense. He is so smart--brilliant, really--and yet he could not seem to distinguish between his feelings and what was actually happening.

[hashtag_loyal]

b.) If it is common for people with BPD tendencies to attach to each other? Part of the reason that I loved her so much was because I'd felt like we had known each other all our lives and in many ways I felt like I had found a female version of me. I assumed this was because she was mirroring me but maybe I was a bit borderline as well?

This sentiment really speaks to me. I knew very early on that I would never marry or have kids with my dBPDxgf, but I stuck around because she reminded me of myself, and I sincerely felt like I could impart some wisdom from my own emotional struggles. I absolutely recognized in her the black/white thinking, feelings of emptiness, extreme self-hatred, lack of identity and layers of repressed rage that I possessed myself in my youth.

I was so very alone for much of my life. I never had anybody who was there to help me with my own issues and I had to learn to climb out of the abyss all on my own. I very much wanted to be that person in her life that was missing from my own.

Now I am clearly not BPD, but I am certain that if the 18-20yo version of me had had the courage to seek help, I would've been diagnosed back then.

Yes, I think you are right that pwBPD do attract, and yes, that is not just the mirroring.

Its funny because a six months before hand, BPD told me about his diagnoses and I read ALOT of it and it was like in some aspects I was reading me, I wouldn't say I was AS bad.

That is funny! With my ex, I recognized the symptoms in her before I had ever even heard the term "Borderline Personality Disorder" or known what it meant.

[hopealways]

There's no real diagnosis called "Borderline tendencies". You either are or aren't i.e. you either have at least 5 of the DSM IV criteria or you do not. 

[Fr4nz]

There's no real diagnosis called "Borderline tendencies". You either are or aren't i.e. you either have at least 5 of the DSM IV criteria or you do not. 

Not correct; one can have a "borderline personality style", which means you have borderline traits but, overall, you're an equilibrate person and thus don't qualify for the disorder.

Look here: www.maretwebproject.com/users/docs/borderline.pdf

[enlighten me]

In human nature because we are pack animals we can take on the identity of that pack. Therefore it wouldn't surprise me that we may pick up traits (all be it temporarily) from our exs.

I once worked with a group of guys that had a very strong accent. I went home and my family found it hilarious as I had unbeknown to me taken on their accent.

We do this at school as well with starting to like sports teams, music, films etc etc that our friends like.

I would say if they go away then theres nothing to worry about. If you've always had them or they don't go away then you may want to look more closely.

[Reforming]

After 4 years on and off with undiagnosed BPDex, I ended it 23 days ago, realizing there was nothing more I could do and to focus on trying to solve my own problems instead of hers. I've long suspected I have ADHD and that was part of the reason I got so distracted from everything else in life and focused solely on her so I went to a psychiatrist today to get a diagnosis, I assumed was obvious.

He tells me I'm on the bipolar spectrum with Borderline tendencies.

You can imagine how astonishing this is for me, spending 4 years as I have, believing she was BPD and researching so much about it.

Some of it does make sense so I'm open to the idea that I might have tendencies but right now I'm wondering:

a.) If a lot of time spent with a BPD will cause a Non to inherit some of the behaviours  

and also

b.) If it is common for people with BPD tendencies to attach to each other? Part of the reason that I loved her so much was because I'd felt like we had known each other all our lives and in many ways I felt like I had found a female version of me. I assumed this was because she was mirroring me but maybe I was a bit borderline as well?

Any other "Nons" out there have anything like this happen to them?

Hi Barter,

Well done for looking for help

I don't know your history or your symptoms, but undiagnosed and untreated ADHD can have a profoundly destructive impact on your life and your relationships.

Those diagnosed with ADHD as adults typically have major issues with self esteem, self loathing - hardly surprising if you've been struggling your entire life with a condition that impairs your ability to focus, plan and act and even interact with others

ADHD is frequently co-morbid with another psychiatric illness, Bipolar, anxiety disorders, OCD, Dyslexia and ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder).

It can also be confused with BPD.

ADHD cannot be cured, but it is one of the most scientifically researched and treatable disorders and the right treatment - usually a combination of suitable medication, lifestyle changes and targeted therapy can make a huge improvement to sufferers quality of life

Does your psychiatrist have a good track record or speciality in diagnosing and treating ADHD? How did he test / assess you?

Diagnosing you with Borderline tendencies after an initial assessment seems a little quick. He may be correct, but Bipolar and BPD are also frequently confused and he could be missing ADHD. Have you considered getting another opinion?

Reforming

[joel6242]

I too found out about BPD through my DR, he just kept saying yep "BPD". My attorney and therapist in Chicago tried to tell me this last year but I was not listening.

[sadmike1]

After 4 years on and off with undiagnosed BPDex, I ended it 23 days ago, realizing there was nothing more I could do and to focus on trying to solve my own problems instead of hers. I've long suspected I have ADHD and that was part of the reason I got so distracted from everything else in life and focused solely on her so I went to a psychiatrist today to get a diagnosis, I assumed was obvious.

He tells me I'm on the bipolar spectrum with Borderline tendencies.

You can imagine how astonishing this is for me, spending 4 years as I have, believing she was BPD and researching so much about it.

Some of it does make sense so I'm open to the idea that I might have tendencies but right now I'm wondering:

a.) If a lot of time spent with a BPD will cause a Non to inherit some of the behaviours 

and also

b.) If it is common for people with BPD tendencies to attach to each other? Part of the reason that I loved her so much was because I'd felt like we had known each other all our lives and in many ways I felt like I had found a female version of me. I assumed this was because she was mirroring me but maybe I was a bit borderline as well?

Any other "Nons" out there have anything like this happen to them?

I have my first appointment at lunch time with a therapist. I've made it almost 5 decades of living on this Earth, many break ups, an non amicable  divorce even, but this relationship/woman has done a number on me that is not comparable to any feat I've ever faced in my life... .I've been through extremely stressful multimillion dollar mergers... .yet, nothing I've ever conquered or faced prepared me for her sudden and cold departure, and what ensued afterwards. Nothing.

[Polis_Ohio]

Well not exactly diagnosed with BPD but I was told I am very difficult to love, have a chameleon like personality and not a true sense of self; this leads me to be severely codependent and stressed out. I have issues not only expressing my needs but simply identifying my needs.

I have had issues in the past though, so this revelation is no surprise to me, something has always been a little off about myself. I do hope that I can figure this out and maybe in the future my ex can figure herself out and we can try again, but that is not something that is very likely to happen.

[Fr4nz]

Well not exactly diagnosed with BPD but I was told I am very difficult to love, have a chameleon like personality and not a true sense of self; this leads me to be severely codependent and stressed out. I have issues not only expressing my needs but simply identifying my needs.

I have had issues in the past though, so this revelation is no surprise to me, something has always been a little off about myself. I do hope that I can figure this out and maybe in the future my ex can figure herself out and we can try again, but that is not something that is very likely to happen.

Hey Polis, have a look at this and see if some things resonate with you:

www.universitypsychiatry.com/clientuploads/picp/10_PICPs.pdf

[Polis_Ohio]

Hey Polis, have a look at this and see if some things resonate with you:

www.universitypsychiatry.com/clientuploads/picp/10_PICPs.pdf

Thanks for the link. That explains my ex's behavior fairly well, she finally thinks she has BPD. As for me I lack some of the marked signs of BPD including disassociation, impulsiveness and anger.

I hope my ex does eventually go into treatment for BPD but by that time we will likely not be talking anyway.

[Fr4nz]

Hey Polis, have a look at this and see if some things resonate with you:

www.universitypsychiatry.com/clientuploads/picp/10_PICPs.pdf

Thanks for the link. That explains my ex's behavior fairly well, she finally thinks she has BPD. As for me I lack some of the marked signs of BPD including disassociation, impulsiveness and anger.

I hope my ex does eventually go into treatment for BPD but by that time we will likely not be talking anyway.

Well, for BPDs generally it's better to not have relationships when they're under therapy... .this allows them to focus on their healing and to avoid drama which could hamper their recovery. So, in any case it's better, both for you and for her, if you don't speak to each other for some time. This will also allow you to heal your emotional wounds, understand yourself better and perhaps find a healtier partner. A big hug