I try to remember they are mentally ill, and not to take this personally.
This is good, and a sign of your compassion and emotional maturity.
How was he able to come to me and be loving and affectionate. We had our little intimate moments and personal memories. We would laugh daily and go everywhere together. How do they do that with two people?
How? They compartmentalize their feelings. Their whole disorder is about doing everything they can to
avoid feeling their emotions, so your BPDex was very good about putting his feelings for you away when he was with the OW, and vice versa. The lack of object constancy probably helps as well.
It makes me furious! That they seem to lack a conscience .
Most pwBPD
do have a conscience, but it certainly doesn't look that way from our perspective. They compartmentalize those feelings too, kicking the shame can as far down the road as possible. However, just like if you have student loans that are in forbearance, the fact that you aren't currently making payments doesn't mean that the loan isn't there.
PwBPD often manage their conscience by feeling shame, rather than by seeking restitution like an emotionally healthy person would. I wrote a much longer explanation here, based on my own past experience being stuck in the cycle of shame:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=286440.msg12699693#msg12699693And I don't give that much credence to the engulfment and abandonment . They are simply so selfish .
I completely agree with you on this one. I am sorry you had the experience you had, and I can certainly feel your pain. I was most definitely blindsided by the lies and the serial cheating from my ex. Despite all the sympathy I have for pwBPD, I
do hold them accountable for their actions. They
do know right from wrong. I am so sorry they are feeling so much pain, but imo no amount of pain can justify hurting others, especially hurting them so severely.
I hope Karma comes back around . I wish i could see that
They may run from the guilt and shame for a while, but eventually all the shame debt catches up with them. When they are truly alone (and all of them will be from time-to-time, even the best of monkey-branchers), they will finally be unable to escape the memories and feelings of the horrible things they have done. They'll split themselves black and once again feel the anguish of unrelenting self-hatred. This is the time they self-harm or turn to whatever addition is available -- anything -- to try to distract from the pain once more.
If you wish to see that, so be it, but I would prefer to think about happier things.
