Finally Goodbye

[LostGhost]

Here's the update to my story for those who know it. Today I finally told her goodbye. I asked her to block me and she did without even a word. We had a quasi friendship but it was just so one sided. Also she's onto yet another boyfriend, only this time she's using all that wonderful idealization language like "he's perfect", "he's the one!" Etc. mixed in with a bunch of self loathing about how she's not good enough for him and so on.

This replacement is ridiculously successful (millionaire), very amazing unique career, personality and so on. Basically everything she's been looking for and she hasn't been shy about letting me know that. The diamond earrings I worked hard to buy look like a prize from a cereal box compared to her new ones. I have truly been replaced in every sense of the word. And I can admit this man is just superior. I don't want to hear about how I'm unique and special too because it doesn't change the outcome. Even hearing don't worry, the same thing is going to happen to him isn't helpful right now.

My self confidence and self esteem were already at an all time low but after this guy coming along and seeing her at work just glowing beauty and radiance and happiness, I just can't take it any more! I feel like a total loser failure. I'm in my 30's and live with my parents now, have no money, substantial debt, drive a 20 year old car and the girl of my dreams is with someone else living the life I wanted. Everything about this is just humiliating to the extreme. How are you supposed to recover from something like this?

I don't even know what I'm seeking. I basically said goodbye to my only friend that had time to talk to me (her) and it just feels like a way of burying my head in the sand and saying "if I can't see her, none of this is happening!"

Even if it doesn't last for them, it's going on. And it's killing me.

Sorry, I'm losing my head tonight.

[hopealways]

Hi Lost Ghost!

Your story sucks, but guess what? She can never make you nor anyone else happy.  A better girl will come along. And the right girl will love you regardless of whether you get her diamond earrings.  I got my ex a brand new Porsche! And she still left me! No joke. They just can't deal after the honeymoon period (idealization) phase is over so she will either leave him or make his life miserable and stay.  Neither of which you want. 

Trust your gut. You wanted to be blocked because you knew that's what was best for you.   

[Lonely_Astro]

You're going through the toughest part of it right now: withdraw.  How long have you been chasing the "girl of your dreams"?  What I mean by that is how long were you together before you noticed something wasn't right?  That she began the push/pull, the (inward or outward) rage, the silent treatment?  How long did it take for things not to add up and thats when the 'trouble' started?  That's when the chase started.

I had (and still have) the same problem: chasing the dream.  It's an illusion, man.  It's a mirage.  A siren's song.  A succubus.  However you want to spin it, it wasn't good for you.  Right now, you're looking into the snow globe of the life you were supposed to have, that you were no doubt promised.  But it's just like that tiny village in the snow globe: it's fake.  You're just not inside the snow globe anymore.

I had all sorts of plans with my pwBPD (we'll call her J).  We were going to get married on this little hillside one day, have a small house in the country (with a little fence), and have little babies running around.  You know what I got instead?  A girl who claimed I "meant the whole world" to her, while at the same time going days without speaking to me, cheating on me, and refusing to see me outside of work.  What she gave me at first was the illusion, then I got smacked with the reality.  When I started coming out of the haze, it got worse.

As others said,  someone who truly loves you won't care about the earrings.  She would rather you spend the time with her than work extra hours to pay for jewels.  So yours met a millionaire, right?  Hope he has stuff in place to stay that way or she'll drain him dry.  He'll go broke trying to keep her happy or he'll leave her and move on. 

So, the hardest part is to know it's going on, right?  You're absolutely correct.  J had a month long relationship with a guy (we'll call B) for the entire month of July.  This happened after I snapped at her.  That was her total justification for it.  I spoke "badly" to her (never mind that she pointed out a guy -N- she had slept with the entire time we were dating - exclusively - 4 years ago that was "looking hard her way" to see who she was with (me) and thats what caused me to snap at her after N had called her while I was holding her phone a couple of months prior to that).  Now, where I'm going with all that is once news broke that she was seeing B and I confronted her about it and we broke it off.  It ate me up inside to know that B was getting (both emotionally and physically) what I had once reveled in.  I felt so complete and happy with J.  But you know what?  She was "cheating" on B as well... .I was still in the picture during that month she was seeing him (in fact, we had talked about the future and having kids the Friday before I found out she was seeing B).  After a couple of weeks of talking it over, we got back together (in hindsight, that was a mistake on my part).  I never truly forgave her (and we never fully recovered) for B.  Oh, and keep in mind too that M is in the background of ALL this at the same time.   What little trust I had in her (due to the whole N incidents and how her divorce papers were magically lost about the same time) was completely shattered and was never reestablished.  My point in telling you that was that I understand exactly how you feel about knowing its going on and you can't do a thing about it. 

I sat around and had all sorts of thoughts about her being at his house to cook him breakfast when he got home from work (he works nights) and have a romp in the sack before tucking him in to show him what a doting catch she is.  Did any of that ever happen?  She claims no, but I always had my doubts.  The reality of that is perhaps she did.  But you know what?  After he was asleep, she was trolling her other beaus to get her fix because he wasn't paying attention to her (the fact he had worked the night before was irrelevant).  She was looking for her next fix.  Heck, I can positively link her to 4 people during this past year that I was in the picture on some level (me, B, M (her supposedly soon to be ex-husband), & N).  Don't think for a second that this millionaire is going to escape her wrath.  It doesn't ease your pain, I know because I've been there, but his fate is already sealed and he doesn't even know it.

Look at it like you dodged a freight train with a scratch.  Eventually that freight train is going to do a lot worse to someone.  Just steer clear, it's not worth another try at playing chicken... .ask me how I know.

[Nextinline]

"My self confidence and self esteem were already at an all time low but after this guy coming along and seeing her at work just glowing beauty and radiance and happiness, I just can't take it any more! I feel like a total loser failure. I'm in my 30's and live with my parents now, have no money, substantial debt, drive a 20 year old car and the girl of my dreams is with someone else living the life I wanted. Everything about this is just humiliating to the extreme. How are you supposed to recover from something like this"

LG, rest assured one thing, you NEVER become a successful business person and make millions of dollars without a very well developed BS detector! You seriously don't think a guy like this has been through this kind of situation before when he wakes up and realises that the attraction to him was all about what he has as opposed to what he is? DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO HIM!

His warning buzzers will be going off big time and his advisers will be counseling him about this.

You do not remain a rich man by making a string of poor decisions which lead you to give your money away to people who may or may not have your best interests at heart. The risk is too great and the reward is not there.

The infatuation will be gone in a matter of weeks and the cold hard business risk assessment will kick in and it will be "game over" for your ex. She will be back!

[enlighten me]

Hi lost ghost

You say this guy is superior to you in everyway and on paper it may look that way. Behind closed doors I very much doubt it matches the public profile.

My ex wife left me and got together with her now husband. On paper he looked a good catch. He is probably a millionaire. Very good job, nice cars etc etc. Three days after the wedding she was on the phone with me to talk about our sons and all she did was complain about him. He has apparently had years of therapy and in my opinion from what Ive seen or heard he probably has NPD or maybe even ASPD.

Ive never met a rich guy who didn't have something going on. Most get there not out of the kindness of their heart but because they are ruthless. Steve jobs, bill gates etc etc have all walked over people to get to where they got.

At the moment she is in the honeymoon phase so will drop you at the drop of a hat. Once the honeymoon phase ends then unless he is a walkover (which I doubt he is) there will be fireworks.

It may take a few months or a year but it will unravel.

[Didntdeservethat]

Some insight from the other side.

I met my expBPD, bp + scitzophenia just after id sold my business for a large sum. I am no fool and my gold digger radar had never failed me to date however on the ocasion her  mirroring looks and stories of herself were hypnotic. If Im honest there were plenty of red flags but she always had a good excuse and i wanted to believe it (failure #1 i ignored my highly tuned instincts), boundaries dropping. In the second phase it became apparant that something was wrong again instinct alarm bells blaring away but i felt obliged no to abandon a escalating mentally not well girl, cue the rescuer. (Boundaries all gone). In the third year she is raging daily in denial about everything creating stories of abuse to her friends plus trying to destroy my name publicly with claims of control and abuse. Finally a series of staged dv events the last getting me arrested was what forced me to distance myself. Seperated for 4mths nc for 7 weeks but still recieving weekly threats from an annonymous source we believe to be her. Now i concur with the view that as business people we are skilled at spoting people with agendas but for me she found a back door via my heriditary carers instincts however by the time i developed my concerns i was already to deep codependent without boundaries just trying to survive the onslaught. Im sorry for your loss but truthfully one day you will see its for the best.

[Jack2727]

It may be hard for you to see now but in time you will be better off. This guy may have all of these things but those who have what your ex has tend to take people down with them. Heal as you can and move forward. That's all you can do.

[Should I stay or...]

Hey LG,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're in pain and your heart is broken. I know your story well and I am here if you need more than this reply. We are kindred spirit; both brokenhearted over lost loves.

I know you are a deeply caring and thoughtful guy and there will be a girl that will love those qualities that you possess.

Money can't buy you love! Or, keep you in love!

My best,

Should

[LostGhost]

Thank you all for your replies/advice. I can't muster much right now other than to say I appreciate it. It helped me through a really rough night. I can't imagine there will be much more to tell with my story now but anything is possible I guess. I was just so tired of feeling unimportant, second class, ultra ow priority. I know I'm her ex but even still I feel I deserved more after everything I did for her and was still doing for her. Normally absence makes the heart grow fonder but I know with her it's most likely out of sight, out of mind. I've probably done her a huge favor. Now she can invest 100% making the other guy happy and put me completely in the past behind her.

I hate this so much. I wish we never met.

[C.Stein]

I was just so tired of feeling unimportant, second class, ultra ow priority. I know I'm her ex but even still I feel I deserved more after everything I did for her and was still doing for her. Normally absence makes the heart grow fonder but I know with her it's most likely out of sight, out of mind. I've probably done her a huge favor. Now she can invest 100% making the other guy happy and put me completely in the past behind her.

Jeez ... .this is almost exactly how I am feeling right now.  It will get better ... .it has to get better.

[LostGhost]

I also realize it sounds like I'm not getting it when I say she's making the other guy happy... .since eventually the other shoe will drop and he will be miserable too, right? But I think what is bothering me is that it appears that he's clearly making HER happier than I was?

He's with her, I'm not. He's kissing her. I'm not. He's banging her brains out, I'm not. This stuff hurts, somewhere in my core. Irrecoverably, irrepairable hurt. It's so painful that just looking at other women makes me want to vomit. My mindset is just so far away from relationships and romance and all that. Because I'm feeling betrayed, lied to, deceived, by the very notion of "love". I'm terrified of going through this again with someone else. Even happy, healthy women could potentially say one day in the relationship, I'm just not into you any more, or I love you but I'm not in love with you, or the spark is gone, or I've met someone else. I can't deal with that any more. I can't put in the time, energy and resources required to make a relationship, only to lose it all again. I'm so tired and exhausted, I just don't think I have it in me to lose again. So what then do I do?

She could care less who occupies the role of partner as long as it's filling that need. She could go on to date hundreds of men if this one doesn't work out. But I'm not like that.

[Nextinline]

LG

You are grieving. To feel this way is normal. We all feel it after the betrayal, discard and then the discovery that the ex is already romantically involved in a matter of days with their next supply.

You are so normal right now. Our ex's are not. I don't care if it is an illness or disorder or what it is. The fact remains that the trail of pain and devastation that they leave behind is one of the cruelest experiences their victims can go through.

You will heal, you will trust and you will love again and every day is better than the day before. You will also be smarter than before and pick up the signals. You will be the one that walks away if you see the red flags.

Set yourself some goals, on a daily basis, even if the goal is to just get up each morning, go to work or whatever and make it to lunch time. Then set the next one to make it to the end of the day. Each one of these goals is a small horizon to take you forward to a better place.

This approach has been the only thing that has got me through and you will get to a place where you never want that level of toxicity in your life again, because trust me when I say this, that level of repeated stress and trauma does some very nasty things to your health... .and you may never know that it is happening to you... .until for some reason you need to pay a visit to the doctors and they find out that things are not right... .and then they tell you it is all caused by extreme stress!

Step back from this, distance yourself from this person, focus only on you, surround yourself with people that are your support group and whatever you do... .DO NOT look at any social media BS about what she is up to.

[Didntdeservethat]

It does get better guys, i was where you are 2 months ago wondering what id done to deserve this not understanding why she had blown everything up. What helped me was the forums and information held within. Once you dont feel unique you can start on the road of aceptance. We all know this makes no sense and even after my ex had me arrested for a dv event she invented she spent the next 6 weeks trying to convince me that i was evil and needed help. When i was ready i reached out to old friends pre relationship friends who helped me feel that id done nothing wrong. When your ready i suggest you do the same, for now just breath meditate and get through the storm, it gets easier it does.

[C.Stein]

It's so painful that just looking at other women makes me want to vomit. My mindset is just so far away from relationships and romance and all that. Because I'm feeling betrayed, lied to, deceived, by the very notion of "love". I'm terrified of going through this again with someone else. Even happy, healthy women could potentially say one day in the relationship, I'm just not into you any more, or I love you but I'm not in love with you, or the spark is gone, or I've met someone else. I can't deal with that any more. I can't put in the time, energy and resources required to make a relationship, only to lose it all again. I'm so tired and exhausted, I just don't think I have it in me to lose again. So what then do I do?

I know what you mean.  It is exhausting and disheartening.  It makes you believe there is no hope.  Throughout my life I have been repeatedly hurt by women I have loved.  This last one I opened up and gave more of myself than I ever have.  It has crushed me losing her.   What do you do to regain hope?

Recognize this simple fact.  All the things you have listed as happening can indeed happen.  What usually leads to it happening however is the lack of or breakdown of communication between each other.  Once you stop communicating on a deeply personal level relationships start to fail and most will eventually end.  Your next go around, and there will be one, remember this.  For now work on your communication skills and on improving yourself and healing your broken heart and psyche.