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Author Topic: NC but we work together  (Read 831 times)
Anez
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: December 01, 2015, 05:11:12 PM »

Have mentioned before that I work with my ex BPD. We've gone three weeks without seeing each other at work but today we've crossed paths a few time and have said hello. It's felt very weird and part of me was wanting to run into her. I've kept it cordial and will continue to do so if I bump into her.

it's just another hurdle to get through - the whole working together thing. I can't change jobs because my job is too good/unique. She's friends with others in my group but has been good at staying far away from me the past three weeks.

but saying hello to her today has brought back some emotions, tho not as much as, say, when we bumped into each other a month ago.

just had to get this off my chest as it makes me feel better. I'm gonna go to the gym and lift some weights and get this stuff bouncing around my head out of my head.

thanks for listening.
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C.Stein
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« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2015, 07:47:51 PM »

You are stronger than I my friend.   I am afraid of running into my ex just passing by on the road.   
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2015, 09:36:39 PM »

It's felt very weird and part of me was wanting to run into her.

Hi Anez,

Do you miss her? What's bouncing around in your mind? It helps to get it off our chests.
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Anez
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« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2015, 11:08:03 PM »

Thanks mutt. I do miss her. I miss talking with her, laughing with her, just being around her. I miss the bond we once shared and I hate that it's been so easy for her to flip the switch with me now treats me like we never shared the moments that we shared.

We never fought or had rages like other people have experienced so it's all a little harder to understand and move on from.
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Mutt
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« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2015, 11:35:32 PM »

I can see how that would be hard when she's friends with others in your group and you're singled out. You shared a special bond with her.
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Moselle
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Relationship status: Divorced
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Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2015, 11:42:48 PM »

Anez. Sorry you have to go through that pain of seeing her again. I can empathise with it. I'm hoping time heals and the emotional distress wanes.
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Anez
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« Reply #6 on: December 02, 2015, 12:00:31 AM »

Thanks guys. I was strong the last 2 1/2 weeks, not talking to her at work, etc. then I saw her today and her beauty just hits me. Also I just got back from a trip that meant a lot to me and she knew before I left, back when we were together, how much the trip meant to me and she hasn't asked me about it. It shouldn't come as a surprise seeing how she's totally gone from thinking I'm the best person in her world to just somebody she occasionally sees at work but I was really hoping she'd ask me about it and we'd talk about it. But she's clearly done with me and I just need to get over it and get her out of my head.

But here I am hoping she'll text me like she used to and we'll chat.

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Moselle
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Relationship status: Divorced
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Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #7 on: December 02, 2015, 08:33:56 AM »

"She's clearly done with me".

It sounds like you are taking this really personally. Sorry about that. If she has BPD the breakup is likely not about you at all.

It's mostly about their simultaneous fear of intimacy and being alone at the same time. The crazy-making in their head takes them down a destructive  path.

Is there something you can do for you?

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Anez
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« Reply #8 on: December 02, 2015, 10:17:31 AM »

Thanks, Moselle.

I sometimes lose focus on the BPD and breakup being all about her and her issues but even still it hurts because it affects me. And her ability to just shut me out completely hurts even though I know it's BPD taking over. I just wish it wasn't like that.

I'm doing some good things for myself, tho - i have a new therapist who has been great and knows a lot about BPD, i've been hitting the gym more, and just a great trip by myself.

day by day. day by day.
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Moselle
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Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #9 on: December 02, 2015, 01:21:56 PM »

I know the feeling Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Yes, sometimes it's day by day.

It will get better.

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Anez
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« Reply #10 on: December 02, 2015, 01:36:29 PM »

Having to see her at work each day definitely makes it tough. hearing her voice from afar or hearing her laugh is hard. but it's slowly getting better.

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C.Stein
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« Reply #11 on: December 02, 2015, 01:43:20 PM »

Thanks mutt. I do miss her. I miss talking with her, laughing with her, just being around her. I miss the bond we once shared and I hate that it's been so easy for her to flip the switch with me now treats me like we never shared the moments that we shared.

We never fought or had rages like other people have experienced so it's all a little harder to understand and move on from.

Geez dude,  you just picked the thoughts out of my mind.   While we did fight occasionally, probably 99% of the relationship there was no arguing or fighting.  That DOES make it much harder to let her go.
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Anez
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« Reply #12 on: December 02, 2015, 02:43:55 PM »

It really does, Stein. When she initially broke it off she said she was working with her therapist on stuff that would make relationships mean more to her in the future. I didn't know about BPD when she told me this but I do now and it makes sense. She had a rough family life growing up and currently (she's only 25) and I'm sure all of that led to where she is now mentally.

i just miss her, man.
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2015, 02:32:33 AM »

Having to see her at work each day definitely makes it tough. hearing her voice from afar or hearing her laugh is hard. but it's slowly getting better.

I am with you Anez.  Hearing her laugh and hearing her voice from a distance it extremely tough.  What I know though is that she may be laughing and having a discussion with someone, but its ultimately superficial.  Maybe or maybe not in that exact moment, but she's putting on an act for everyone to mimic normalcy.  For instance, when we were all in a group at work, we would get to ripping on each other.  You know, water cooler stuff.  Everyone in the group would end up in the crosshairs at some point, her included.  She would laugh and tell people to shut up or otherwise blow it off.  She would rip on me and I'd fire back at her in a playful way (like I did with everyone).  I can have a dry, sarcastic delivery, which most people find part of the hilarity when I fire back.  I would wink at her or smile as we joked.  However, she told me last night that my jokes cut her to the core (even though she would rip some on me and if she told me it bothered her, I wouldn't have joked with her) as did everyone else's jokes.  Something as simple as that, she took extremely personal and found offensive.  But to the outside world, she was laughing and involved in the spirit of jest.  But, it was fake.  She was laughing on the outside and crying on the inside.

As far as what you said about her flipping the switch, I don't think its about her being done with you as much as it is her own shame/guilt keeps her from talking to / acknowledging you because she would have to face her own feelings by doing so.  That was the case with mine.  When we first started up again, I asked her why it took so long for her to even speak to me.  She told me it was because she was afraid that I would reject her even talking to me because of what she had done to me.  Even now, she holds onto that fear.  You and I have talked on other posts, so you know it's taken me almost a month to get her to meet me.  Why was that?  She was afraid that I was going to chew her up and spit her out.  That's what she said to me.  She feels so much guilt and shame for abandoning me that she is overwhelmed by it.  Even this morning when she saw me, she awkwardly smiled and waved at me.  I understand how much gumption that took for her to do.  It's simply a wave right?  To us, yes.  To her it was a chance to be rejected.  To her, rejection is death.  It's that serious.  I only know that because she has told me that before.

Will she ever come around to full lucidity and attempt to get back with me?  I have no idea.  Do I want that?  At this point, I have to say "I don't know".  I certainly know that I don't want to go through what I have went through again.  It was either a) not as bad as 4 years ago - though it still was far from good or b) she was much better at hiding things from me.  The problem with that is that I lean more toward b than a right now.  She admitted to me that she had been in contact with M (though she never gave timeframe) and told me that she had been to their former house to talk to him.  She went into great detail about their encounter and how he wanted her to come back, cancel the divorce proceedings, and try to work their marriage out.  She even went into a story about how he had told her he wanted to just have dinner with her, to baby step their relationship back, how he made reservations and told her to meet him there and how she stood him up because she didn't want to be back with him.

I didn't mention this to her, but that means at some point she lied to me.  How so, you may be asking?  Well, I would purposely ask her what she had done (even if we hadn't talked in a couple of days) in our times of absence.  Partially out of curiosity for what she had actually done (conversation) and partially because I wanted to judge her reaction to the question.  Her reply was usually the same "nothing, stayed at home/grannys/uncles/etc" or she went shopping or such and such.  You know what wasn't mentioned at any point?  Her going to see M.  That, my friend, is a lie by omission no matter how it's sliced.  If she lied to me about that, what else is she willing to lie about?  I understand that it's tough to not take it all personally, they may be ill but they know right from wrong.  She knew it was wrong to conceal the fact that she had been having those sort of conversations with M, all the while leaving me in limbo over our r/s.  That's precisely why she omitted it from me.  To her, it's not a lie if she didn't tell me about it.  Just like it wasn't cheating if she didn't sleep with them.

In the end, I know that us getting the BPD woman out of our lives is a good thing.  Seeing that doppelgänger every day doesn't help us one bit, though.

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