Just tired-emotionally bruised, battered, and weak...generalized hopelessness

[EmotionalWarfare]

Hi,

I'm not sure where to start.  I've been married 21 years.  I am learning that there is a title for my wife's irratic behavior.  I'm wore out.  I am tired of this emotional warfare.  I am tired of being idolized one moment and then treated like I am totally worthless the next.  The negativity and disconnectedness of her ideations about me and life are just really putting me in a bad spot right now.  I just wish I had someone to turn too.

That's enough for now.  I don't want to throw a pity party for myself.  How is everyone else here?  I have found the information on this site quite helpful thus far.  A little about me.  I live close to Saint Louis, MO.  I am 45.  I have 2 really awesome daughters that are absolutely my life.   I love my wife quite deeply but she sure knows how to make me question all I think I know in life.  Her emotional beatings are ruthless and cut to the bone.  She uses all she knows about me from our long history together then distorts things and attempts to crush my very soul.  Anyway, Hello all.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[globalnomad]

Hi EmotionalWarfare. Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. What I can say is your experiences sound very familiar, and many of us on this site are struggling with similar issues.

I can really relate to the feeling of being emotionally worn out. What particular aspect are you having most trouble with at the moment? And do you have any kind of support network?

[EmotionalWarfare]

globalnomad thanks for your reply.  Out of 54 reads I have one person who took a minute to say hello.  So thanks for that.  Sincerely, thank you.  I have no support.  I am my own counselor.  I read, I read, and read some more.  I take out my frustrations in my home gym.  I am versed in human psychology and mental illness as I am in the medical profession myself.  I am a registered nurse in a critical care area.  I recently had to quit my job on account of disagreements with management among other things.  Long story not worth telling.  I am in transition to another job but my wife is very manipulative.  She appears supportive but her back handed character killing ways are really getting to me.  I feel like a fool all these years.  Usually I am quite strong mentally and despite the frequent emotional bashing I stay pretty happy.  But lately I don't have the patience required and find myself spiraling into a dark place.  I don't expect any of you to actually help me.  I guess I'm just venting and wishing it could be different.  I joined this site about 18 months ago and found it only exacerbated my feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.  I struggle with wanting happiness for myself.  I feel like I am betraying my wife just talking like this.  I dream about a relationship where I could relax, and

be myself without fear of my relationship imploding on itself for no good reason.  I often find myself thinking about the future.  I am 45.  Do I think I can handle this in my later years?  I am not sure.  Should I get out now while I am relatively young and able to enjoy the company of another woman?  I so want this very much so but I love my wife and can't really bare the thought of the misery she'd experience if i leave.

[leggomyeggshell]

It's harsh dealing with these people.  We are all sort of unfortunate that we got stuck in relationships with people who are extremely difficult and verbally/emotionally abusive.  It's your choice how to handle it.  usually when I ask friends what to do their response is to send her packing.  It can be a lot more complicated than that.  Technically we do not deserve to have to deal with a relationship like this but some of us are staying anyway, usually because we are trapped.  Well, people on this forum seem to have made it work somehow with validation techniques and such, maybe there is a glimmer of hope.

[Cat Familiar]

Twenty one years is a long time. You've been very strong to be able to deal with your wife for so long. It's no wonder you feel exhausted. People with BPD can suck the life out of you. Since I've been here (about a year), I've learned some coping strategies to deal with my husband's behavior and although things are much better, I still feel emotionally exhausted at times. Like today. It's just not a reciprocal relationship. They expect you to tolerate their hostility but god forbid you slip up (like all humans do at times).

Please keep posting and tell us more about your situation. If you're really considering ending your marriage, you might want to post in the Undecided forum.   

[grd123]

   Sorry to hear about your circumstances. I went through the same scenario for roughly the same time with three children. It was exhausting both mentally and physically. Many days I did not want to come home from work because of what you deal with at home. Things that did not happen she would say happened and vice versa. I have been out of this relationship for over one year and my life is much calmer and easy going. I would be threatened with divorce on a regular basis and as time went on the relationship graduated from verbal abuse to physical abuse.  I am starting to get my self confidence and self esteem back at this point and am enjoying life again. I can definitely empathize with your situation and do hope it gets better.

[EmotionalWarfare]

Good morning to all and happy Monday... .he he he... .yuck  

Thank you to all that shared their experience, thoughts, and empathized with me.  It's amazing how this can help you not to feel so alone and isolated.  I don't have much time to be on this site but I find myself having an increased desire to be here more frequently for support and information.  And I'd like to help support anyone else who could use a kind word or a hug via text.  he he.  I know I sure need it.  My love bucket is usually running quite low.  It is hard, as I'm sure you all know.  I feel as tho I am sneaking around.  I can't log in while my wife is around and I have to make certain I erase all relative information that would expose my membership or interest in this life saving support I have found.  I just want to thank you for all the kind words. 

I often find myself saddened when people are kind to me because I am often treated much better by total strangers vs. how I am treated at home.  Kindness, compliments and appreciation make me nervous.  I guess it's like Pavlov's Dogs.  My response is the result of what normally follows. I am certainly conditioned to be on guard.  In this situation my senses heighten, I ready for the attack, my proverbial suit of armor is quickly slid on so that the assassination of character that ensues is less hurtful.  This is a terrible way to live.  I'm sure most of you know that.  I am sorry.  I am not just stating the obvious but more or less I guess I'm just telling myself this and realizing this is no life and no way to live.  I think I may refrain from making any further posts.  I find that I am very negative and not by any means myself lately.  Normally I am quite happy, upbeat, mentally and physically strong and optimistic but the recent negativity and life circumstances have me completely drained.  I hope you all have a great day. 

[Icthelight]

I think I may refrain from making any further posts.  I find that I am very negative and not by any means myself lately.  Normally I am quite happy, upbeat, mentally and physically strong and optimistic but the recent negativity and life circumstances have me completely drained. 

This is the result of living with someone who verbally and mentally abuses you (intentional or not) for 21 years. You need to read and learn about BPD and posting and venting on this site will help you. Your story and posts are not taken as negative, we completely understand your circumstances and experiences. I too don't like to come across as negative, whiny or needy so many times I keep things to myself. Posting on here and reading other's accounts has been helpful as I am learning new strategies, techniques and I am encouraged by the strength and resolve of those on this site. Don't stop posting.

I recently started seeing a therapist and one of the things he told me is that I am very critical of myself. Being married to an uBPDw for 23 years who blames me for her loneliness, unhappiness and pretty much everything can do that. I'm focusing on fixing me and relating and responding better to her. Are you doing anything to care for yourself? 

[EmotionalWarfare]

Icthelight,

Thanks for your words of encouragement.  You're right.  I am usually a strong individual and I am concerned about the perception as  a whiny, weak, or negative person.  Because this is not a fair representation of who I am.  I do not do much for myself.  I could never seek out a counselor.  The wife would see the billing.  She would become very inquisitive, paranoid and demand to know the reason I need to speak to someone.  She would think I'm planning an exit or something worse.  She very rarely thinks anything I do is positive.  And if something is seen as positive just give it a little time because later it will be twisted and thrown in my face in the most negative way.

I find lifting weights and shooting guns to be a good outlet for stress.  I own many guns and keep all guns and ammo locked up in a safe.  My wife doesn't know the combination nor will she ever.  I'm just doing the best I can right now.  What do you do to stay sane?

[Icthelight]

I find lifting weights and shooting guns to be a good outlet for stress. What do you do to stay sane?

This is all good if you find that it releases stress. You have to find more things that you enjoy doing that will bring you joy.

Regarding staying sane, I recently realized that the more I focus on my wife and all of the things that I resent about her (mainly, the way she treats me), the more miserable I am. When I'm upset, angry or resentful, I tend to get fixated on my relationship with my wife. All of these thoughts keep running through my head: how unfair it is, why does she think that it's ok to do what she does, her tone, her negative remarks, her constant ailments, etc. etc. Not only is she miserable, but I am miserable too. All of these years, I have not understood her actions and have really been angry and resentful. Learning about BPD this year has helped me C the Light  I now understand why she behaves the way she does. I now am empathetic regarding her condition. I read in one of the BPD books where they describe a person with BPD's emotional pain similar to someone walking around with 1st degree burns over 90% of their body. Boy, that must be painful. I never thought about her being IN pain, I always thought she was A pain.

So, I am trying to not react the way I've reacted in the past. I am validating her more. Instead of focusing on her words, I am trying to focus on what she may be feeling.

The other day, she was dysregulating about our oldest daughter. She was going on and on about my daughter not being responsible, not doing this and not doing that. Normally, I get annoyed because I feel her reactions are over the top. However, rather than respond with my disagreement or suggestions, I approached her, hugged her and said, "it feels to me like you are feeling anxious about our daughter's future." She stopped dead in her tracks and after a moment of silence, she said "yes I am, I just want the best for her." A couple of days later, she mentioned that lately, she feels like I'm interested in what she has to say and that I am really listening. She actually referenced this exact situation saying that she felt heard and understood. I can honestly say that I don't believe I would have ever thought to respond this way without my new knowledge about BPD and the help from all of the people here.

I am trying to focus on improving myself rather than focusing on improving her.

[grd123]

Be very cautious of your situation with your firearms. My spouse had threatened suicide and as a result my lawyer warned me to remove my firearms from the premises even though they were locked and stored safely. I did this immediately and reported it to my lawyer, police and mental health association as to where they were stored and who was storing them.  After approximately eight months I came home from work and my spouse confronted me and said she would be phoning the police on me and I questioned why. She said I had threatened her with a firearm which I had never done .  I was so glad I had removed the firearms and was actually hoping she would call the police.  Please be very cautious as in my situation as I stated earlier my spouse would say events that did not happen did happen and vice versa and it was very confusing and crazy to live under.

[EmotionalWarfare]

Thanks for the words of caution grd123.  I am not in fear of that situation as she has never done this type of thing you describe.  She has a tendency to get very depressed is the only reason I have them locked up tight.  I don't think she'd actually hurt herself either.  It's more for my peace of mind.

In the words of John Wayne... ."Life is tough. But it's tougher when you're stupid."  I , my friend, will never be so delusional to think I could change my wife. He, he, he... .but that's truly great advice that most folks don't consider.  Another one of my favorite sayings is Dr. Phil... ."There's something about you that I can't stand about me."  Words to live by... .he he.

Again, Icthelight.  Nail on the head partner.  I have long known that I will never change her to any great degree.  I only have control of myself and my actions.  I am usually pretty good at doing things just as you have described.  I often surprise myself with the insightful ways I learn to handle my wife and her roller coaster emotions.  Great job on the insightful way you handled her comments about your daughter.  I teach my daughters how to respond also.  I have not shared the BPD with them as of yet but I do put in many hours explaining things and offering up insight on "how mom thinks" and "mom doesn't mean to be so hurtful in the way she says things".  My daughters are 20 and 16.  They get it most of the time.  It's funny(not in a comical way) that sometimes my daughters come to my defense when the wife is having an episode.  I do not encourage this.  Most of the time all it takes is a look from me and they know to drop it.  I have explained this helps no one and only exacerbates mom's feelings and the situation.  But as they get older they see dad isn't the terrible person mom paints him out to be.  My wife often gets upset because the kids come to me exclusively when the have needs.  If they need advice on life, friends, relationships, want permission to do something, etc. etc.  I often use this time, because she is more receptive to advice and very slight criticism, to help direct her and let her see how her actions affect all of us.  I explain to her that my family is the most important thing in the world to me.  I explain how I want to create a warm loving environment where my kids feel that no matter what they face that they are never and would never be alone.  It's hard to always put this much thought into all we do but I guess it's worth it.  This is why I'm exhausted but I can feel my strength building as I share experiences with you all.  Thanks to everybody.  And special thanks to Icthelight.   

[globalnomad]

EmotionalWarfare -- I'm really glad you're still posting. We are all facing similar situations -- and I think posting here helps us feel less isolated. I have enormous respect for those of you that have stuck at this for 20 years or more. I have only been with my BPD partner for two years. And I only learned about BPD around six months ago. So I'd say I'm still at the stage of being dazed, bewildered and confused most of the time.  Some of my friends have told me I'm crazy to stay, but (as I'm sure you can relate to) life is not that simple once there are children involved. I agree that was a great post by icthelight. I too need to focus on improving myself, rather than trying to change her. I have been focusing all my efforts on the latter, and that only leads to misery... .

[Cat Familiar]

Emotional Warfare, I'm glad you have such a nice relationship with your daughters. It sounds like they have the maturity level where it might be valuable to share some of what you're learning about BPD. I grew up with a BPD mother and it was very confusing and unsettling.

I know you don't want to alienate your daughters from their mother, however, knowing about BPD and practicing some strategies you've learned here might make their relationship with her flow more smoothly.