Husband has cheated, lied, cried, lied...and I am frozen in what to do.

[enc81712]

I have never posted on here, or anywhere, before about this topic.  I apologize if this is long, but I am at a state of being frozen on what to do and how to process this whole marriage.  I have been married for a little over 10 years and I came into this marriage a confident, happy, fun, proud-to-be-me person who thought I found my partner for life and now am realizing it has been anything but that.  Problems started in our marriage... .well before marriage while we were engaged.  I found out then he had an affair, but he cried got baptized and swore it wouldn't happen again, so we ended up getting married.  Through the years he has been flirty with other women (even in front of me) and I always knew deep down he had messed around on me, but when I brought it up he would get really mad, not talk to me, or make me sound like I was crazy for asking.  In addition to that feeling he was messing around, he was so verbally and emotionally abusive, he never had my back, etc.  It got to the point I went from my confident self to someone who thought I did nothing right, started feeling worthless (at home - I still felt pretty good at work and other places), and he made me sound like I had so many things wrong with me... .so I shamefully kept our marriage problems a secret and NOBODY had any idea we were going through this.  I knew he was wrong on many levels, but it's that feeling of putting a frog in cold water... .all the sudden I looked around and couldn't believe the life I was living and didn't quite know how I got there! I finally had enough this past summer and told him that - life has gone from bad to worse since.  We went to marriage counseling and over the course of a few weeks he did tell me of several more physical affairs and emotional affairs.  I then found on his email that he sent a Craigslist personal ad out when he was going to a work conference a few months before and was set up to meet up with someone, but it fell through on her end - this one almost killed me with shock.  He cried and cried about these things and seemed like HE was the victim and felt like I almost had to comfort him because he would be balling... .it was so weird.  HOWEVER, after he "came clean" I thought things would be so much better because it would be a fresh start.  We have been going to church for a few years and I thought after he got this off his chest he would be able to stand up and be the man I always needed him to be.  That didn't happen and he still blamed me for things, he still will lie about this to protect himself (like about opening up a secret bank account and putting some of our money in it as protection IF I leave him) and he still can't do things for me - he has to have control of it.  He claims that God has changed him, but I still took the kids and moved in with my parents.  All of this made me on the search for what is wrong with him and what is wrong with me that I let myself stay and I am 100% certain he has BPD.  The problem is he is going to church and going to therapy, but he still isn't changing like I would think he would.  He said it's because we aren't at home and he can't "show" me his growth... .which I am not buying.  I still have been in contact with him, but not romantically and it's killing him.  Last night he was telling me he is tired of being in limbo of if I will divorce him or not and it is killing him.  I think what is killing him is that I am not giving him any attention and he can't handle it.  It is truly like someone who has lost supply to something and I do feel sorry for him, but I am still dealing with all the things he has said and done to me through the years and I don't trust him.  It's almost like he doesn't think there should be consequences for his behaviors ... .he just wants to say he has changed and he thinks if I love him I would just believe him and continue.  I feel frozen... .I want my family to stay together (especially for our kids) and I am a pretty strong christian so I want to believe he has changed, but am scared to go back.  He has done MUCH better with our kids (he used to not have much to do with them at all), but he is now trying with them for sure and I try to give him praise for that when I can.  There are times I think he understands and sees where I am coming from and then the next day it's like we are on a total different page again.  I feel like I don't want to divorce him if he has changed and I later find that out.  I also feel sorry for him because of how depressed and sad he seems.  My question is, has anyone else been at this crossroad and what did you do?  The pros and/or cons of trying to make it work or divorcing.  Sorry I told you it was long!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[AsGoodAsItGets]

Yes,  many night night of deep insight and reflection which i thought, this os it a turning point.  Only to wake up realizing nothing changed.  Like the night before didnt even happen.  It was the same with bad behavior: the stabings drugs, cheating, but the next day would always never have any acknowledgement of what i just endured.   Their was adventuly improvement.  More like, learning to take less impulsive risk, and functioning in society.  My partner was in jail for a time.  So after group counseling 3 days a week and meds, that was the best, far as we got.  No empathy or love.  Never an acknowledgment of my feelings.  ...   I would recommend a time limit with boundaries,  you being supportive of reconcile for 9 months while he's getting help... .  One boundary could be no flirting, another, no skipping therapy.  .  Try to read those for are on the staying board and thiet success.  I left.  So all this advice is biased from my hurt. Keep that in mind to...  

[formflier]

     I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I am glad you have taken a stand for yourself, your family, and your Christian values.  Full disclosure:  I'm a conservative Christian man.  If you are interested in discussing the Christianity aspect of dealing with a pwBPD, I am open to that and have many opinions.  You are safe to discuss that here, but just know that this is a "non-denominational" board.  I did many "rounds" of MC (marriage counseling) with pastors and "Biblical Counselors".  Many were not equipped to deal with a PD.  I was not equipped to deal with one either (and at the time didn't know what I was dealing with).  Please be aware that many Christian concepts can be misapplied or distorted when dealing with a PD (personality disorder) and will make things worse.  If you want to discuss this further, let me know in your reply.  Please look to the right of your screen and click on "the lessons"    Link provided below.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206  It will feel like drinking from a firehose, but you need to get educated on BPD very quickly.  Read and ask questions about what you have read.  Can you leave the status of your r/s the same for a month or two while building an understanding of what you are dealing with?  Few questions.  Has he confessed what he has done to a pastor or deacons?  Is church discipline involved?  Who else knows?  Does he have a diagnosis?  Meds?  If you had to pick the most troubling behavior, what would that be?    What is he in therapy for?  Do you do any couples therapy? Have you done it in the past?      I'm glad you have found us.  We are a safe place and we can help!          

FF