Loneliness

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Interesting thing came out of my therapy session last night... .

T said I have been lonely my entire life, which is why my pwBPD seemed to fill that void in me. He appeared to love me and be interested in me... .and I can say that about half the time, I wasn't lonely with him. There were definitely times I felt lonely though- like when he would accuse me of things I wasn't doing (cheating) or rage. Then I felt lonely at those times.

But I am about 8 weeks NC, and I realize that I am just so lonely. I have been getting that itch to date. But is it just so that I don't feel lonely anymore?  Unfortunately, in the US, we are currently being bombarded with jewelry commercials, picture perfect families celebrating Christmas together, romance, children, and magic. Apparently I was unaware that we are in "engagement" season. wtf. when did that happen... .when did we decide there was a "season" for getting engaged?  I don't intend on celebrating Christmas this year... .except for with my daughter.

Anyway- I am trying to fill my time with a lot of friendships... .and my family for what it is worth. I don't particularly like spending time with my mom, so that makes it hard. And my sister is far away. I work all day in an office by myself. Go home to the new cat who is scared to come out from under the bed. The only time I don't feel very lonely is when my daughter is around, which is about half of the time. But even then, there is still an element of loneliness.

What do you do to fill your loneliness? What do you do to not feel lonely? 

I feel kind of stuck in this area. I am not sure I am really ready to date- maybe another month or two.

[cloudten]

Interesting thing came out of my therapy session last night... .

T said I have been lonely my entire life, which is why my pwBPD seemed to fill that void in me. He appeared to love me and be interested in me... .and I can say that about half the time, I wasn't lonely with him. There were definitely times I felt lonely though- like when he would accuse me of things I wasn't doing (cheating) or rage. Then I felt lonely at those times.

But I am about 8 weeks NC, and I realize that I am just so lonely. I have been getting that itch to date. But is it just so that I don't feel lonely anymore?  Unfortunately, in the US, we are currently being bombarded with jewelry commercials, picture perfect families celebrating Christmas together, romance, children, and magic. Apparently I was unaware that we are in "engagement" season. wtf. when did that happen... .when did we decide there was a "season" for getting engaged?  I don't intend on celebrating Christmas this year... .except for with my daughter.

Anyway- I am trying to fill my time with a lot of friendships... .and my family for what it is worth. I don't particularly like spending time with my mom, so that makes it hard. And my sister is far away. I work all day in an office by myself. Go home to the new cat who is scared to come out from under the bed. The only time I don't feel very lonely is when my daughter is around, which is about half of the time. But even then, there is still an element of loneliness.

What do you do to fill your loneliness? What do you do to not feel lonely? 

I feel kind of stuck in this area. I am not sure I am really ready to date- maybe another month or two.

[Eyeamme]

Hi Cloudten,

I know that lonely thing. I have been where you are now. The thing is that the loneliness is within. No other person can fill that. I had to work on that before I was successful in a relationship. I have now been married for 15 years. You are going to be ok.

[cloudten]

Aw Eyeamme,

That is exactly what it is... .its loneliness within.  It's not an empty feeling- not like what I imagine my pwBPD has. I feel like I know who I am and what I want... .its just loneliness within.

I don't know how to fix it.

[Eyeamme]

What helped me was listening to my inner voice and getting to know myself better.

[Grey Kitty]

I dunno. I know that I've got a very lonely life myself right now, and don't like it one bit. I am not in a position to make immediate changes much for the better, and long-term changes are slow and difficult. Kinda sucks, but I gotta live with it. My community of friends and family is all long distance.

So I feel for you.

My best solution has been mindfulness. If you can allow yourself to feel the loneliness without acting on it, that should help.

Longer term, adding good people you can trust into your life is the other answer, but try not to do it just to fix the loneliness if you can.

[cloudten]

My mind might be blown. I wish i had seen this a year ago... .but i may not have been ready for it then.

Grey kitty, you might like this

https://youtu.be/whjDeFZDEUk

[unicorn2014]

Cloudten, thanks for this, I can relate. I'm still in a high conflict relationship, although the conflict has lessened. I think these kind of relationships produce loneliness. My first marriage was high conflict too and I definitely remember feeling lonely while in that relationship. My current relationship is long distance and complicated, so lots of opportunity to feel lonely there too.

For myself to get out of the loneliness I have a recovery program and a church as well as DBT classes.

I find online community helps too.

I'm glad you're talking about it here.

I'm definitely feeling it too.

[unicorn2014]

My mind might be blown. I wish i had seen this a year ago... .but i may not have been ready for it then.

Grey kitty, you might like this

https://youtu.be/whjDeFZDEUk

Thank you I watched it and subscribed.

[cloudten]

Glad it was helpful for you too. I think i need to get into some kind of support group like coda. And i think i need to find some sort of church or something... .a replacement family.

It hurts so bad today. I dont know how i can be 8 weeks NC and have this hurt so bad. I know he said its upwards of 90 days to recover... .i just hope he's right.

I never believed in soul mates... .but i just dont understand how this hurts so bad if he was anything but my soul mate. And if he was my soul mate... .then i really f*cked things up at times. Why couldnt i be more caring and understanding that this is a disorder for him? I miss him like it was yesterday.

[Herodias]

cloud ten I feel your pain... .I miss mine like it was yesterday too! I should have been detaching last Jan... .but I didn't until I found out about my replacement in May... .then I still saw him in July. I was no contact for 3 months and we just had contact making it worse. I can't stand the thought of divorce next month. I am so depressed. I am not miserable alone... .but I wish I had someone like he does! It's just not right, we are supposed to be the healthy ones and I feel like I am a mess! He is more than likely going to marry this person as soon as we divorce. I think she is pregnant. I am heartbroken beyond belief! 9 years of knowing some one and taking care of them and enjoying the good times... .all for nothing! Just to be tossed aside like a newspaper! I am so miserable. I have lots to do, I have friends to talk to and I have been alone before. I just don't think I will ever meet any one that makes me feel like he did. On one hand I hope that is true,    But I don't even want to date. It's too painful. I just want her to not be pregnant and him to try and come back... .I want him to stay in therapy and get along with him. It's just not going to happen and I can't take it. : (

[Grey Kitty]

Dunno about 'soul mates' Even though I did speak of such things with my wife. Actually she did a lot more than I; I'm more pragmatic and less woo-woo-spiritual about such things.

What I do know is that we as people tend to either seek out a partner, or accept the partner who finds us when they are well matched to us emotionally.

That means they are at about the same level we are at of overall healthiness. And that they are very well suited to confront us with whatever the strongest issues we need to address. Their issues are kinda opposite ours although equally bad or powerful. One caveat on that is that people grow and change over years/decades. Despite starting out at a similar level, we may not end up there. Either partner can grow, stagnate, or fall apart under stress. I've seen a decent number of long relationships that became much less balanced over time, including my own.

When one partner grows, it changes the dynamic, and things become unstable, and that pushes the other partner to grow next. Then things can stabilize for a while again.

[cloudten]

Aw Herodias... .i am right there with you. I am so sorry for all you have been through. I know once he has a replacement  (that i am aware of) i will be a complete mess... .i am dreading that day. You are right... .why should we be the ones that are a mess? Haven't we suffered enough? Why can't we be the ones to move right along to a beautiful relationship?

I suppose they have to do it to feel something... .so they aren't so empty. It just hurts to the core. I am weary of hurting.  What scares me the most is that i can see myself being this way for the rest of my life.

[cloudten]

I didn't think i was woo-woo over soul mates either. But i guess i feel like no one else will ever be as perfect for me as he was. Maybe i'm totally wrong. I have gone on dates at times and sat there and thought to myself that this perfectly nice guy just wasn't my BPDx. I am not sure i can find something better than what i had in the good times.

Sorry... .i am just depressed and lonely today and trying to avoid contacting him.   

Like you Herodias... .i have plenty to do... .i am seeing friends tonight. But it isnt the same. I feel broken and defeated today... .and just missing him terribly

[unicorn2014]

Cloud ten, mine claims to be my soulmate but he lied to me to get there. I don't know how you got in your relationship and it sounds like you still want to be in it. I am still in mine and I'm trying to create space within it. It's very hard.

[eeks]

But I am about 8 weeks NC, and I realize that I am just so lonely. I have been getting that itch to date. But is it just so that I don't feel lonely anymore? 

Most people are dating and in relationships to stave off loneliness, this is a normal human thing to want companionship.  That's different from jumping into dating or a relationship in order to avoid something.  I don't know the answer, but this is an important question to ask yourself.

Unfortunately, in the US, we are currently being bombarded with jewelry commercials, picture perfect families celebrating Christmas together, romance, children, and magic. Apparently I was unaware that we are in "engagement" season. wtf. when did that happen... .when did we decide there was a "season" for getting engaged?  I don't intend on celebrating Christmas this year... .except for with my daughter.

It makes me sad and angry that the advertising industry knows what emotional experiences we want to have (and may not be having) and tries to associate those experiences with their products.  Would you prefer to get engaged (that is, choose someone to be bonded to for life in every sense, emotionally, sexually, legally) because "it's the season for it", or because you want to and you feel ready? 

Anyway- I am trying to fill my time with a lot of friendships... .and my family for what it is worth. I don't particularly like spending time with my mom, so that makes it hard. And my sister is far away. I work all day in an office by myself. Go home to the new cat who is scared to come out from under the bed. The only time I don't feel very lonely is when my daughter is around, which is about half of the time. But even then, there is still an element of loneliness.

What do you do to fill your loneliness? What do you do to not feel lonely? 

I feel kind of stuck in this area. I am not sure I am really ready to date- maybe another month or two.

This is interesting.  You do have some companionship, but there's still a loneliness going on, maybe something that you feel friends and family (or the cat) can't fill?  Your T said that your ex seemed to fill that void in you, and maybe that's why you feel like contacting him, to recapture that feeling, even though you know that's not in your best interest. 

I'm wondering if it might help you to explore more exactly what that "void" is, and what it was about your ex that filled it?  My aim here is not to talk specifically about your ex, but use that memory to get a really clear sense of what positive quality or sensation you most want to experience, and what are other ways you could have that in your life?

[Herodias]

Maybe it's about the self esteem again... .maybe we just want someone to love us! Mine did all of these nice things for me in the beginning... .all of the prince charming things. That's what I miss. The attention from the opposite sex. The hugs and kisses. The hand holding... .the cuddling at night! These things I cannot do for myself. These are the things that I miss and not all men do this stuff. I have been in other relationships and not all men are like this... .That was what was special to me... .even if we were fighting... .he was always calling to check in with me and texting me showing he was thinking of me through- out the day, asking what he could bring home. Making special dinners, bringing me flowers... .that's what I miss about him. There was so much bad though, so I try and not focus on these good things... .

[Hopeful83]

Maybe it's about the self esteem again... .maybe we just want someone to love us! Mine did all of these nice things for me in the beginning... .all of the prince charming things. That's what I miss. The attention from the opposite sex. The hugs and kisses. The hand holding... .the cuddling at night! These things I cannot do for myself. These are the things that I miss and not all men do this stuff. I have been in other relationships and not all men are like this... .That was what was special to me... .even if we were fighting... .he was always calling to check in with me and texting me showing he was thinking of me through- out the day, asking what he could bring home. Making special dinners, bringing me flowers... .that's what I miss about him. There was so much bad though, so I try and not focus on these good things... .

I can identify with this. I'm doing all the 'self-care' things I can in order to help myself move forward, but there are a few things that you simply cannot do for yourself. Those are the bits I miss, too, and the bits that keep me stuck and make me feel lonely.

[thisworld]

Hi Cloudten,

I feel lonely, too. I don't reach out to my friends, for the time being I don't want to talk about what happened. I don't want to go through telling what happened, and I don't want to tell them not to ask. I feel very lonely when I'm doing housework. Nature helps me a lot. I try to go out to nature and try to notice little changes or things that I usually miss. I take photographs, that takes away my loneliness for a while. Cycling helps a great deal. For some reason, ı feel less lonely in solitary activities that keep me busy.

Big hug to you

[cloudten]

I am sorry for all of you who experience loneliness too. It has been a rough week and weekend for me. I am hoping work will be a good distraction. I am about to head into a big meeting- so maybe it will take my brain off me for a bit.

While my D6 was at the dentist this morning, I was trying to find books or articles on loneliness. I really wasn't coming up with much. A lot of articles said to cultivate your friendships and to learn to love yourself. Those seem like logical ideas... .but like thisworld... .I don't really want to talk about it with friends anymore--- yet it remains such a huge part of my life right now that I don't have anything else to really talk about. I want to be a recluse right now... .but it is contributing to my loneliness.

One of my friends told me last night that I am in survival mode. It's true. I am totally just surviving. This isn't a quality life I am living right now. I don't even want to celebrate xmas.

I am back to the gym, taking a self-defense class, cycling, even playing my flute again. I am spending quality time with my D6 and my dad when I can. I am making life happen... .but it's not enough. Something about it isn't enough. The loneliness is still pervasive... .even through the most amazing experiences.

For example, I attended my father's work Christmas party which was held at one of the most world renown art museums in Philly. It was amazing. I was surrounded by billions of $ in artwork. Fabulous food. I got to speak a little bit of French with his colleagues. Even met a single guy who I really clicked with even though my dad was standing there (it was a little weird ). But even all that... .the loneliness and sadness was still pervasive. It was still there.

One of the things I keep asking myself is if I really do need a romantic relationship to not feel lonely... .maybe I have underestimated the pull of the r/s. Maybe I am one of those people who always has to have a relationship. Is it SO wrong to have a relationship to not be lonely? I mean, what is wrong with having a relationship to solve/cure/prevent loneliness? I would really like to know- if someone knows. Is it because it hides other larger issues? What if I have addressed those issues, does it make it still wrong to have a relationship to not be lonely?

My only fight against that thought has been this: summer of 2014, when I was single, dating, and had really good girlfriends... .I was going thru PTSD because of the push and pull with the BPDx who had a girlfriend (he would tell me he dumped her, go on a date with me and usually more- only to find out a few days later he didn't really dump her. this happened more times than i am willing to admit... .yes, i am a fool). That summer... .I didn't feel lonely. I was pissed off. I was anxious. But I wasn't lonely.

I lost those girlfriends in a recycle. They weren't happy I went back to my BPDx... .and I cannot say I blame them. I really don't have a desire to be friends with them again. But I do wish I had friends like that again. I would cherish friends like that again.

Anyway- sorry for my rambling. I have to head into my meeting.

This is another thing- I am so weird... .I don't know that I will ever be able to find someone like my BPDx again. I straddle two worlds, neither of which I fit into completely.  For the most part- he fit that for me. 

I am a tomboy... .I like getting dirty. i like camping, I like dirt biking, I like cycling, I like fishing,  climbing trees... .I love it. I would make a really great farm wife. But then I also really like the finer things in life... .like that art museum, like the symphony, like wine tastings, like expensive restaurants, extravagant vacations... .nice purses and clothes. I don't own many, but I could settle into a lux life nicely, so long as I could get dirty now and then. . I have a high profile job (that I miraculously haven't lost thru my depression) where I interact daily with millionaires and have meetings with billionaires. I love that part of my life too. Except for social situations, my BPDx could fit both roles. I don't know how I am ever going to find that again.

again, sorry for the ramble.

[unicorn2014]

I have an app where I track my feelings and loneliness comes up consistently . I was lonely as a teen, lonely when I was single, lonely when I was married, lonely when I was divorced, lonely in my current relationship. I'm also introverted . I'm also highly sensitive. I guess what I'm trying to say is it doesn't matter if I'm in a relationship or out of a relationship , I'm still lonely. If I choose to end my current relationship I don't see someone coming along in the future to rescue me from my loneliness, or meeting my soul mate. In fact as a result of my current relationship I no longer believe in soulmates. That's why when I saw the talk about soul mates in the healthy relationships and dating section I was alarmed. I think for me I just accept that I am lonely and I am ok with it. There's nothing I can do to change it.

[Eyeamme]

Unicorn, I am where you are. My loneliness can not be taken away by another person. I am learning more about myself in order to get rid of that loneliness.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you, that sounds like a good idea.

[cloudten]

In my search for healing my loneliness... .I downloaded a an article from amazon called "Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It" by Kamal Ravikant. It was okay... .not really anything earth shattering in my opinion. The author tells his story of how he overcame depression by doing 3 things... .making a vow to love himself, reciting "I love myself" positive affirmation constantly, and lastly asking himself every day "If I love myself, truly and deeply, what would I do?"... .and would make decisions for himself accordingly. (There now you don't need to buy it.)

I think overcoming the loneliness aspect has a lot to do with loving yourself... .and I think it has a lot to do with loving others.

Right now... .I seem to be most motivated by helping others. I can't really seem to help myself, but by helping others... .I am feeling less lonely again.

My current example: I don't know what happened to me overnight- but I slept hard and woke up particularly motivated over my last post yesterday. Maybe I became empowered by my own philanthropic work yesterday. I don't know. But this morning I woke up with a spark in my soul... .I want to publicly speak on what happened to me- in person- in my town- I want to speak out about domestic violence. I want to help others. I don't want to be silent anymore. I want to roar. I want to help empower others who are victims of domestic abuse. I want to empower their friends. Something about wanting to use my story for the greater good has really given me a sense of purpose and fulfillment. I know it is dangerous... .he still lives in the same town as me. Although I will not use names, there is a certain crowd who will know exactly who I am talking about. He is from a wealthy, notable family in my town. It will make him angry... .but I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter if he is angry. The more people I tell my story too, the stronger I get and the stronger I can help others become.

I honestly don't know if it is a good idea or not. Maybe others on here can say "no way- you are not motivating at all"... .... .and that is constructive criticism I would love to hear.

There is that one saying I got from someone on here a year ago... ."when you are blue, find something to do for somebody else who is sadder than you."

Right now--- that is what is motivating me... .that is what is helping me feel less lonely... .the idea that maybe, just maybe, I can help someone who has been through what I have been through.

[unicorn2014]

You make a good point.

I think for me the loneliness is being loved by someone who is critical of me. I don't always respond to his I love you, I haven't yet today, that's more a personal issue for the staying board. For me I need to keep reading about therapeutic separation.

But yeah, being told I love you by someone who's critical of you doesn't feel good, at all.

[cloudten]

I feel for you unicorn... .i have never been so lonely as when I was in the relationship. it's a deep, torturing loneliness.

[unicorn2014]

It's not that bad as I'm not morally or legally obligated to my partner, but yeah, the criticism and guilt trips are getting tiresome. I actually started a thread on getting out of the FOG but people were encouraging me to do a therapeutic separation so now I'm reading that. I think that would push my partner over the edge. He doesn't think he has BPD. He doesn't think therapy is helpful. He uses therapy to prove to me that he's ok.

[eeks]

My current example: I don't know what happened to me overnight- but I slept hard and woke up particularly motivated over my last post yesterday. Maybe I became empowered by my own philanthropic work yesterday. I don't know. But this morning I woke up with a spark in my soul... .I want to publicly speak on what happened to me- in person- in my town- I want to speak out about domestic violence. I want to help others. I don't want to be silent anymore. I want to roar. I want to help empower others who are victims of domestic abuse. I want to empower their friends. Something about wanting to use my story for the greater good has really given me a sense of purpose and fulfillment. I know it is dangerous... .he still lives in the same town as me. Although I will not use names, there is a certain crowd who will know exactly who I am talking about. He is from a wealthy, notable family in my town. It will make him angry... .but I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter if he is angry. The more people I tell my story too, the stronger I get and the stronger I can help others become.

I honestly don't know if it is a good idea or not. Maybe others on here can say "no way- you are not motivating at all"... .... .and that is constructive criticism I would love to hear.

You've asked us whether you think this is a good idea.  I can't answer that, but I can give you some questions to think about and a personal story.  

After my brief but intense relationship with a uBPD man, I went through a period when I wanted REVENGE!  There is a project he was/is involved in, which involves him making a particular representation of himself to the other participants in the project and to the public, and I seriously wanted to call them up and say "he is an emotional abuser!"  Scandal!  I did not act on this, but I fully indulged the revenge fantasies for an evening.  I soon realized, these fantasies were about me getting some power back because I felt powerless.

Now, it sounds like you are motivated to speak publicly because you genuinely want to help people who have been through domestic violence.  I think that's positive.  It is also positive that you have this desire to take action.  And, there's no shame in the idea that speaking publicly about your experience could be as much healing for you as for those you help.  And finally, with regards to the original topic of loneliness... .this could provide an opportunity to connect with others in a meaningful way.  All I'm suggesting is that, regardless of what you choose to do, it would be a good idea to be as honest as possible with yourself about your motivations for speaking publicly in the same town where he lives where some people will know who you're talking about.  I do not want to come across as perpetuating secrecy or protecting the person who engaged in the violence... .just maybe call up an agency that works with domestic violence survivors first, and tell them you have this deep desire to share your story and help others, and see what they think.

[thisworld]

Cloudten,

I agree with Eeks on this. 100%, with every word. I had exactly the same urge in a previous relationship. And I actually started working on abuse, too:)) We were not in the same circle and he was a very collected, high-functioning NPD with a political cause. Before we split up, I had threatened very openly and powerfully that if he ever came near me or anyone I knew I would expose him so badly that he would never be able to go in public again. I also said I'll even warn women around you. He changed his way when he saw me for 4 years. I think BPD may be bit less controlled and you said he could be lethal. I would separate the cause (helping abuse survivors) and my safety and opt for the latter. And you know what, the society - even the most seemingly sensitive circles- doesn't respond to it the way you imagine. Incredible denial, taking sides based on interest. Many people don't even find us credible when we have just come out of the abusive relationship. A second round of hurt.

There are many ways to help abuse survivors. Maybe you can think of finding a way that doesn't involve him at this stage. Have you thought of starting a blog - not with your name and location details or details that would allow him to identify you. You don't need to expose this one - at the expense of your safety- to help survivors. There are millions of guys like him anyway. The point is not to expose this one but to empower women. Please give yourself some time to heal before you go public with this - two, three years at least.  

[cloudten]

True- very true what both of you have said. If I wanted revenge, I could easily turn him into the police for other things.

For me, this wouldn't be about revenge at all. I am in philanthropy in the first place. I give away money for a living... .(yes it is a really cool job that I am very blessed to have).  I happen to know that the organization that helped me with my restraining order is a public charity that is facing really big hardship because Pennsylvania was without a budget for quite some time until the last week or two. This charity is heavily funded by the state for legal advocacy, and had lay off lawyers.

So, what I want to do is really quite multi-faceted. I want to help the organization that helped me. I would like to help them fundraise. I have also asked to be involved with their support groups... as a participant though. I would like to help other people who have been through what I have been through... .by giving testimony. I would also like to propel people who are not in domestic abuse situations to support those who are... .being supportive friends and family, not abandoning, etc (like my friends did to me). I think my testimony, not only about the abuse, but also about how that organization saved me, could really help a lot of people as well as the organization.

I suppose I am surrounded by people pitching me all the time for money- so to me it is easy and makes sense... .it's part of what I already do. Why not incorporate an organization that actually helped me... .so I guess this idea came naturally to me... .but... .

I hear you- I am listening. I think that probably waiting a couple years might be a good idea- at least to be quite so public. Flip side: Right now I have the protection of a restraining order... .so he can't touch me... .and if he does I get it automatically renewed. I am not really worried about my safety. He is my only enemy. If something happens to me, everyone will know exactly who did it.

It's a lot to consider- and not something I am jumping into right away. But I feel like I could have a new purpose... .to build something for the greater good out of the ashes.

Is there something inherently wrong with taking back one's power? I don't really think it is necessarily wrong... .and in a way I already feel like I have.

[beatrixkiddo]

I found dating somewhat enjoyable at first... .then I had a panic point. So I decided to pause to figure out what it was. And I learned slowly, that what I needed was a little time to be my own best friend and hold my own hand for a while and just walk. It was the best gift I have ever given myself. I have such a clear vision of who I am. Being in relationships too early and often in life in general, can sometimes hide your own personality from yourself. I have loved getting to know me. And even the true friends that have stayed with me through thick and thin, say I'm different, in a positive way. I speak up, diplomatically, but without backing down. I know myself now. I'm unapologetic. I never believed that would become a quality of mine. Anxiety doesn't control me anymore. So my long winded point is... .if you can find a way to put the loneliness in a box for a bit, (I'm not saying it's easy)  and enjoy the walk with yourself you may find a new and even happier You. And you definitely will find others react differently to you. I discovered a hidden strength that happened when I really drew boundaries during my walk.