I "broke" NC after 7 weeks

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

Yesterday I felt very bad, sad and depressed. One of the worst day since I'm going NC. My self-esteem is very low! I don't know why I'm still aways comparing myself to my exBPDgf ? She's younger (shes 29 Im 38), has a better job than me... .already dating (rebounding) and it seems to work! That she will have better and more oportunity in life than me... .that everything seems so easy to her. She has injected pain and bang! she leaves for the next victim! Anyways, I don't know why I'm having these tought, ruminations.

This morning I did THE mistake, I broke NC! I sent her an email, to tell her to make sure she did her adress changes everywhere... .that I still receive mail for her. The email is very short, polite but no emotions involved. Honnestly, I hope she will answer... .I have this need to know if she still think about me... .it's like an open door. No answer yet... .I sent the email 1 hour ago. I'm not proud of myself but I'm going trough a very difficult time. Advice/comments... .thanks in advance... .today it's very very difficult I feel weak and not proud of what I did... .there is no possible positive consequences to break NC especially after 7 weeks... .

[tribalmart]

Hi,

Yesterday I felt very bad, sad and depressed. One of the worst day since I'm going NC. My self-esteem is very low! I don't know why I'm still aways comparing myself to my exBPDgf ? She's younger (shes 29 Im 38), has a better job than me... .already dating (rebounding) and it seems to work! That she will have better and more oportunity in life than me... .that everything seems so easy to her. She has injected pain and bang! she leaves for the next victim! Anyways, I don't know why I'm having these tought, ruminations.

This morning I did THE mistake, I broke NC! I sent her an email, to tell her to make sure she did her adress changes everywhere... .that I still receive mail for her. The email is very short, polite but no emotions involved. Honnestly, I hope she will answer... .I have this need to know if she still think about me... .it's like an open door. No answer yet... .I sent the email 1 hour ago. I'm not proud of myself but I'm going trough a very difficult time. Advice/comments... .thanks in advance... .today it's very very difficult I feel weak and not proud of what I did... .there is no possible positive consequences to break NC especially after 7 weeks... .

[steelwork]

No advice--just so sorry you're going through this. Try to distract yourself?

[patientandclear]

Something to bear in mind: you want to know if she still thinks of you and so on. Completely understandable. What you wrote her has the opposite connotation: it suggests you want to cut ties and shut the door. My ex wBPD wrote me a similar message about 6 weeks after he ended things. He told me later it was the only way he could figure out how to have contact. But the content was "would you be so kind as to return my X." It was super painful to receive because I took it literally--and because the X, which he was asking for, had a lot of emotional significance in our r/ship, much like an address change might. It was a marker of things being truly over.

I didn't translate it as "I need to write you and need to hear from you and wonder if you want to try again and feel bad and miss you and ... .". I read it as what it said: "I'm completely sure we're done and we need to untangled our stuff." This email made me so sad I spent numerous therapy appts on it. My point in recounting this is that it would be completely normal for her to be hurt by your overture and not see it as an overture. So--don't over-read her response!

[steelwork]

Wow. Okay, this is really hitting a chord with me. As I just said elsewhere, my last contact (after 7 months of silence) was to send him a polite notice that I was shutting down our secret blog. I got a polite friendly response. It was what I expected. But I guess maybe it could be seen as a final goodbye from me.

Which would be okay, though I certainly hadn't meant it that way. More like I didn't want to be melodramatic.

Something to bear in mind: you want to know if she still thinks of you and so on. Completely understandable. What you wrote her has the opposite connotation: it suggests you want to cut ties and shut the door. My ex wBPD wrote me a similar message about 6 weeks after he ended things. He told me later it was the only way he could figure out how to have contact. But the content was "would you be so kind as to return my X." It was super painful to receive because I took it literally--and because the X, which he was asking for, had a lot of emotional significance in our r/ship, much like an address change might. It was a marker of things being truly over.

I didn't translate it as "I need to write you and need to hear from you and wonder if you want to try again and feel bad and miss you and ... .". I read it as what it said: "I'm completely sure we're done and we need to untangled our stuff." This email made me so sad I spent numerous therapy appts on it. My point in recounting this is that it would be completely normal for her to be hurt by your overture and not see it as an overture. So--don't over-read her response!

[tribalmart]

In my book it is simple... .

-if she answer (whatever it is)=she still think about me

OR

-if she pass over it=she don't think about me anymore

It ended roughly between us... .I had to fake to go at the police station to stop her to harass me, I also changed my phone number. So it's possible that she has moved on, and that I'm already far behind her... .I'm looking to validate if she's still care of me... .I know it's impossible between us and I dont want to get back with her. The fact that she is rebounding so fast disgust me!

[patientandclear]

Tribal, from those facts, it's evident that there are problems and pain in this relationship which may mean you should not be together, get back together, etc etc.  That makes complete sense.

That said, your formula that if she responds to your "please change your address" message, she is thinking of or cares about you, and if she doesn't, she doesn't, is almost certainly off the mark.  People wBPD often stay out of touch with former partners they feel most emotional about.  It is just too hard, or they fear rejection, or they are dissociating.  Using whether she replies to that message as validation as to whether she cares is just not a good idea.

My ex wBPD has had many (many!) partners over the years and he gets in touch with many of them, for wide and varied reasons.  He doesn't want to completely lose his important attachments, he needs someone to care about him, he needs someone to fill a gap between really deep relationships.  But the one woman he feels most strongly about, a long term off and on gf whom he nearly destroyed, he went for many years without contacting.  She was too important, if that makes sense.  He loved her and hated her and constantly thought about the implications of losing the r/ship and about things she'd said to him.  But he never reached out to her.  There was simply too much at stake, he was too afraid of it going badly, and he half-hated her.  Point is: from her perspective, it just looked like silence.  But she would have been completely wrong to think that it meant he was not thinking of her or didn't care.

[tribalmart]

Finaly, She answered... .

She went "I think the mail forwarding delay has expired, I'm gonna do my best to solve it. Thank you"

I will not fall in the trap of analyzing... .it's a short & polite message... .Sadly, I think that I'm not in her mind anymore. She has moved on... .with her rebound someone younger with more time and more energy. I was just a single dad with chronic headaches, 9 years older... .my self esteem is worse than ever today!

What a day! 7 weeks NC and no more progress... .I'm suffering ALOT!

[fromheeltoheal]

Sadly, I think that I'm not in her mind anymore. She has moved on

Hey tribal-

So you mention that things ended roughly, the police were involved, you don't want to get back together with her, and in an earlier post you called her a vampire who wounded you, yes?  So it's actually a good thing if you're not on her mind anymore, yes?

But what you're doing is tying your self esteem to her and what she thinks; in order to detach you need to break that connection, so tell me, what's one thing you do very well, that you know you do very well, that has nothing to do with her?

[tribalmart]

A thing that I'm proud of and not related to her... .

I'm in the best shape I ever been... .gym 5 times a week, clean diet... .I start to see a 6 packs :D

Btw... .the police has'nt been involved... .I fake to go at the police station. But you are right, she did alot of damages! We tend to forget too fast... .way too fast!

[fromheeltoheal]

A thing that I'm proud of and not related to her... .

I'm in the best shape I ever been... .gym 5 times a week, clean diet... .I start to see a 6 packs :D

Btw... .the police has'nt been involved... .I fake to go at the police station. But you are right, she did alot of damages! We tend to forget too fast... .way too fast!

Good for you!  Taking very good care of ourselves is critical as we detach, and you sound like you are.  Give yourself credit for that, be proud, all the way.

One thing that helped me was to make a list of all the unacceptable crap my ex pulled, and then read it, and add to it as I remembered more things.  Our feelings can be mixed after these relationships end, and reading that list can help adjust our focus and allow us to see that the relationship being over is a good thing.  What are the first few things on your list?

[tribalmart]

At the top of the list... .

Cheating/lying

Depression phase

[fromheeltoheal]

At the top of the list... .

Cheating/lying

Depression phase

OK, good!  Now fully feel how it made you feel when she did those things, just for a minute, and then choose to be grateful that she can't make you feel that way anymore, and then start to focus on your bright future, the one without her in it.  And add to the list as you remember things and read it as often as you need to.  The goal is to remind yourself that it was bad, and now you're moving towards good, every day, one day at a time.

[tribalmart]

I have always claimed that the core of my pain is a SELF-ESTEEM issue. Thank you for the advices

[fromheeltoheal]

I have always claimed that the core of my pain is a SELF-ESTEEM issue. Thank you for the advices

'Esteem' is respect and admiration for something, so self esteem is respect and admiration for yourself, self-respect and self-admiration.

Other people can help with that but ultimately it's an inside job, and certainly being with someone with a mental illness won't help.

So what can you do right now to show yourself you have respect for yourself tribal?  How about you're here facing your issues head-on, where some folks in the same situation are off drinking in some bar?  And how about how well you've taken care of your body?  And I know you admire that 6-pack showing up on your abs.  As with most things, self esteem is a matter of focus and action, it's not something we get, it's something we do.

[Herodias]

Congratulations for taking care of yourself... .I just broke nc as well... .I understand. I am sorry you got such short response. Mine was more involved but it didn't make it any better for me emotionally... .all it showed me is he still wants to manipulate me : (  Self esteem is the big issue here. My Mother and I were just talking about it. I know that taking care of yourself is a big part of it, but I do think it's hurts us when they have moved on with someone else like we didn't even matter. It's like we put up with all that crazy stuff and they moved on and they aren't doing it now... .I wish we had some way of knowing for sure. They say people don't change, but I know I have allot! I don't have a personality disorder though, but I do feel co-dependant. I hope you feel a bit better... .I spent the day crying and cleaning. I think I have been numb so long thinking he was going to decide to get help and come back... .now I don't think that will happen if he has someone else who will let him manipulate her, plus if she is pregnant (my gut feeling) there is no way... .maybe that's where the pain is coming from. Take care... .It didn't look like you cared too much in that e-mail really... .I think they just respond the way you correspond. Mine seemed to respond the way I did as well. Talking about the divorce.  He wanted to know if I had any feelings though... .he was having feelings... .what ever that means.

[tribalmart]

I just received a second email... .

She goes like " I'm worried about the mail that has not been transfered to my new adress, I really don't know what it is? Have a good night"

This one is unnecessary... .I think I have woken up the devil? I did a mistake... .

[Herodias]

Yep... .now she wonders what it is... .You can let her know what you have... .she may or may not want to get it from you... .now what are you going to do?

[tribalmart]

I think her " have a good night" is a test... .she is wondering what it is! She can feel it's kind of strange!

What am I going to do... .If I keep playing this game it will not end positively... .Honnestly having sex with her would be awesome... .but once done very painful... .she is rebounding and I dont want to be part of the triangle.

I would like to be more strong emotively... .to be able just to sleep with her occasionnaly and then let her go... .taking the best from her and forget the rest... .the I'm not at that level... .

I'm confused... .my gut is telling me that it's a very dangerous game to play... .I was 7 weeks NC and I dont want to fall just because of a bad day!

[Herodias]

The sex is not worth it! Find someone else! I did that and just ended up worse off back in July... .It won't be just sex... .you are already setting up expectations that may not happen anyway. It could be just about the mail and she will go on her merry way... .Don't set yourself up. Is the mail anything she need or just junk?

[FlyFish]

Tribal,

It is no way to live by hanging on every word your ex says and trying to "decipher" their intent. Especially after NC. It is only going to drive you crazy. Trust me I did that throughout my relationship with my exuBPDgf and I still catch myself doing it. We went through two breakups and recycles, it killed me. I hope you can realize that it is not healthy. It sounds like you are still confused on what you want with her which is natural but I suggest you stop contacting her. Listen to your gut.

Also, the sex game will further the pain. I did this as well. I actually am not proud to admit but sex was probably what kept me in the r/s for so long, and she knew it. Herodias is right that it won't be just sex, not for people like you and I who seek emotional connection and intimacy during sex and view it as part of love. This was one of the hardest lessons for me during the r/s and breakup.

FYI I'm about 3 months NC. She left a voicemail the day before Thanksgiving which I have not listed too yet and I know I shouldn't. However, I haven't deleted it yet because part of me still wants her. Still uncertain about the situation just as you are so I know how tough it can be. we all go through the weaker days but it will improve. people on here know what you are going through please continue reading stories for insight. Stay strong

[tribalmart]

After a deep introspection I came to that conclusion, of the reasons why I sent that first email this afternoon... Inside of me, here is what I'm thinking:

"I think about you... .very often and it is painful, it's almost an obsession! so with that email you wont have any other choice to think about me... .maybe only for while but you will face it!"

I know that falling into deep analyse of what she wrote is a big mistake and it's also loosing alot of time/energy... .but I know her very well and there's always a reason for everything she does! she's very smart and strategic. And for the sex, I know that a dangerous trap, like you said I'm not able to separate sex and love... .it's very difficult almost impossible for me... .it's stronger than me it goes together!

[steelwork]

I just want to give you props for some real honesty here. You should be proud of who you are.

[tribalmart]

Thanks every one for your support... .today has been like hell!  I Know I did a mistake by contacting her... .we have only exchanged 3-4 basic email and Im VERY affected! Seeing her would be 10 times worse... .I miss her more than ever! I would like to cry... .but Im not able... .the pain stays inside! Honnestly tonight,  I dont Know how to deal with my sadness, my anxiety, my loneliness and the deep pain... .I feel old and hopeless to find someone else... .

[C.Stein]

I'm giving serious consideration to contacting my ex asking her to at least consider reconciliation.  I am having a really hard time believing she has really moved on to a new relationship and it would not be unlike her to say that she has to avoid the shame and hopelessness she now relates to me.  

I do feel we could make it work but she would have to do some serious work on interpersonal communication and behaviors, particularly the ones that have hurt me so much.   It is really hard to let go of the good side of her that I saw most of the time.  On the other hand I struggle with believing she can consistently suppress the bad side that has done so much damage to me and destroyed our relationship.

It really is all very confusing and at times it feels like I am being torn in half.   I deeply love this woman and can't seem to find a way to let her go from my heart and mind.

Why can't I convince myself the bad parts will never change and I will always be in the FOG if we are together?

[hopealways]

BPD behavior DOES NOT CHANGE. That is the nature of the disorder.  We must remind ourselves of this.

[FlyFish]

C stein,

You and I are in similar spots as I think we have mentioned before. I wanted our relationship to work so bad that I put all of myself on the line. I know this is not good or productive for a healthy relationship. I, like yourself, still wish we could make everything work. I love her deeply and the good times we shared were the best I have ever had. So hard to let go. So hard to understand. Especially when I feel as if she is the "one", if there is such a thing? I want to reach out to her so badly and yet I know that it may just prolong and increase the inevitable pain that comes with these types of r/s. If you do reach out let me know how it goes. If I ever try again with her it will be under the same terms you mentioned: her working on herself and our r/s just as I am currently doing for myself.

[Learning Fast]

All,

BH and Hope offer wise advice and counsel---any recycle/sex based reconnection is not worth it.  We've all done it and know deep down that it does nothing to advance our recovery---in fact it represents many steps backward.  At this moment I'm thinking about my ex and how wonderful the good times were and how great it was during those periods.  What keeps me from reaching out is that NOTHING WILL CHANGE.  It would be a one time fix that would simply render me helpless and place me back in her control. Take one day at a time, work on yourselves and realize that with each success comes strength.

LF

[C.Stein]

BPD behavior DOES NOT CHANGE. That is the nature of the disorder.  We must remind ourselves of this.

Yes, agreed.  Problem is, my ex is undiagnosed as are many on this board,.  :)oes that make a difference?  Yes and no.  

No in that the BPD characteristics and behavior we see in our ex is just as damaging regardless.

Yes in that if they are not a pwBPD then the behavior can realistically be addressed and resolved with self-reflection and guidance.

The question here is, how much are you willing to sacrifice of yourself to find out one way or the other?  

Certainly the signs are there, the screening tests I took using my knowledge of her say yes, but without a solid diagnosis the doubt remains.  I can't force her to get diagnosed, I did however inform her of my suspicions a couple of months ago for her own benefit.  That said, I don't know if she read the email because she has not responded to a single email I have sent her since the final discard.

[C.Stein]

C stein,

You and I are in similar spots as I think we have mentioned before. I wanted our relationship to work so bad that I put all of myself on the line. I know this is not good or productive for a healthy relationship. I, like yourself, still wish we could make everything work. I love her deeply and the good times we shared were the best I have ever had. So hard to let go. So hard to understand. Especially when I feel as if she is the "one", if there is such a thing? I want to reach out to her so badly and yet I know that it may just prolong and increase the inevitable pain that comes with these types of r/s. If you do reach out let me know how it goes. If I ever try again with her it will be under the same terms you mentioned: her working on herself and our r/s just as I am currently doing for myself.

I see three possible scenarios for reaching out.

90% chance it will be met with silence because it was not read or she refuses to waste time on me anymore.

9% chance for a response that will be "kind" but cruel and will crush me.

1% chance she will actually read it and consider reconciliation.

Not very good odds.

Chances are good she really is in a new relationship, yet there are a few signs that suggest she may not be.  When she moves in a few months (she doesn't have to move) she will be gone forever and any chance of reconciliation will go with her.

Then I also have to question my motivation here considering the substantial doubt and reservations I am having with regard to her ability to be the type of partner I deserve and need.  I want to make things right with her, the last 6 months of our relationship were anything but a real relationship.  Neither one of us really tried to fix the damage she had done.  It doesn't seem right to give up on a 2 year relationship when we never sat down and really talked about the feelings and problems that have been occurring and holding us back from any real forward progress.   This really frustrates me.

[patientandclear]

I'm giving serious consideration to contacting my ex asking her to at least consider reconciliation.  I am having a really hard time believing she has really moved on to a new relationship and it would not be unlike her to say that she has to avoid the shame and hopelessness she now relates to me.  

I do feel we could make it work but she would have to do some serious work on interpersonal communication and behaviors, particularly the ones that have hurt me so much.   It is really hard to let go of the good side of her that I saw most of the time.  On the other hand I struggle with believing she can consistently suppress the bad side that has done so much damage to me and destroyed our relationship.

It really is all very confusing and at times it feels like I am being torn in half.   I deeply love this woman and can't seem to find a way to let her go from my heart and mind.

Why can't I convince myself the bad parts will never change and I will always be in the FOG if we are together?

CS -- Hmm.  You are basically saying here that you are considering approaching her with the news that if she fundamentally changed, you'd like to be with her again.  Do you see the problem with that kind of overture?

If she decides she's open to change, and wants to resume with you, presumably she will reach out to you.  If YOU are initiating, the premise pretty much has to be that you would accept her as-is.  And that doesn't sound like how you feel.

[C.Stein]

CS -- Hmm.  You are basically saying here that you are considering approaching her with the news that if she fundamentally changed, you'd like to be with her again.  Do you see the problem with that kind of overture?

It's not about fundamental change so to speak.  It's about treating me with honest, respect and caring.  It's about showing empathy and compassion towards me when she hurts me.  It's about not running when things get tough.  This isn't about changing her, this is about bringing the best of herself to the surface and keeping it there.  She is already capable of this, she just has a problem with it in intimate relationships.

This is what she wants for herself and she has to be willing to provide it for me (equal partnership and all).  She already knows this as we talked about it in the beginning of our relationship.   These are fundamental requirements in a partnership/marriage.   She knows she has a problem with them and has expressed a willingness to work on these problems.  She doesn't like this side of herself and has said as much in the past. 

Thing is, she didn't really work very hard to restrain/change herself during our relationship, but she did get somewhat better ... .less frequent.   I never tried to directly change her though or hand out ultimatums.  I hate ultimatums.   This was in part my fault because I let her cross my boundaries which enabled that behavior.   She is very much like a child emotionally and needs to have boundaries enforced.  While I  did enforce some, others I did not.  Knowing what I know now I would be better prepared to guide her in the right direction and keep my boundaries strong.  I didn't have the right tools in my arsenal before and I had weak boundaries.

If she decides she's open to change, and wants to resume with you, presumably she will reach out to you.  If YOU are initiating, the premise pretty much has to be that you would accept her as-is.  And that doesn't sound like how you feel.

I do accept her for who she it.  I don't accept how she has treated me at times.  This is what needs to change.  It is all probably a moot point since she has quite likely "moved on" but it does make a worthy topic to discuss here.

The email I have drafted is more about trying to dispel the misconceptions she has about what happened this year and about me, mistakes that were made on both our parts and restating what our relationship needs in order to provide a healthy and loving home for the children she wants.

[patientandclear]

I've sent a few such messages at various points. My ex finds them condescending or quaint (at least at the time, that is his surface level reaction).

You are undoubtedly "right" that her actions and choices are counterproductive for achieving things she says she wants. I don't think you're fully grappling with how strong a force the feelings are that push her to run etc. These are not things that get engaged at a conscious analytical level.

You know what she does, and who she is; your message above IS a message that she needs to change.  If you reach back to her, I'd suggest doing so with a plan of radical acceptance of who she actually is, and not assuming you can persuade her to change by making a compelling case.

Use of boundaries is important for making the r/ship the best it can be ... .Not necessarily for changing her reactions, but for changing your reactions to her reactions.

If you are really considering re-engaging, I urge you to spend time with the communications precepts on Staying. Not JADEing is hard for most of us, it was hard for me, and from what you wrote here, I'd say it may not come intuitively for you.

Also might be worth reading I'm Not Sick by Amador: useful refresher that people really resist being told all about themselves by others, and attempts to do that usually backfire and reinforce the choices you don't like.

[steelwork]

I want to make things right with her, the last 6 months of our relationship were anything but a real relationship.  Neither one of us really tried to fix the damage she had done.  It doesn't seem right to give up on a 2 year relationship when we never sat down and really talked about the feelings and problems that have been occurring and holding us back from any real forward progress.   This really frustrates me.

C.Stein, I definitely can relate to this... .because he hid his anger pretty thoroughly until it was too late, I'm haunted by a wish to go back in time and address the issues properly as the "flags" appeared. I think this is the ultimate example of what the French call "the wit of the staircase"--knowing EXACTLY what you should have said as you are leaving the party and it's too late.

It's also a deep regret, a dream of what might have been.

But then it probably WOULDN'T have been. If we had time machines, we might be able to do better by our exes  for a while, but for how long? And at what personal cost?

[C.Stein]

tribalmart, I apologize for hijacking your thread.  If it is ok with you I will continue to reply here, but I can also open a new thread if you wish me to do so.

You are undoubtedly "right" that her actions and choices are counterproductive for achieving things she says she wants. I don't think you're fully grappling with how strong a force the feelings are that push her to run etc. These are not things that get engaged at a conscious analytical level.

She is undiagnosed BPD.   While I have taken screening tests using my knowledge of her that show she is suffering from BPD, it is still undiagnosed.  So you are correct in that I don't know how strong the desire to run is.  What happened could be a pre-emptive move on her part because she believed on some level that I was eventually going to end it so she started to "move on" long before she finally discarded me.

You know what she does, and who she is; your message above IS a message that she needs to change.  If you reach back to her, I'd suggest doing so with a plan of radical acceptance of who she actually is, and not assuming you can persuade her to change by making a compelling case.

Yes I agree the message does say that but it is not a demand or ultimatum.  It is a sincere desire to build a partnership with her based on the necessary parts needed to build a strong and lasting relationship (love, honesty, respect, caring, empathy, trust).   I also need to change as well and addressed that in the email.  These changes I need to make aren't necessarily specific to her and our relationship either.

Use of boundaries is important for making the r/ship the best it can be ... .Not necessarily for changing her reactions, but for changing your reactions to her reactions.

Agreed.  Enforcing boundaries is for me, not her.  Having strong boundaries will however have an indirect and likely positive effect on her behavior as well.

If you are really considering re-engaging, I urge you to spend time with the communications precepts on Staying. Not JADEing is hard for most of us, it was hard for me, and from what you wrote here, I'd say it may not come intuitively for you.

JADEing is a problem for me and this is definitely something I need to work on in general, especially in emotionally charged situations.  I also need to stop letting her push my buttons.  I don't go out of my way to "attack" her however when I have allowed her to push me over the edge I did "attack" her at times.   This was wrong and one of the things I feel a lot of guilt and remorse over.  

My scientific training does not help with avoiding JADEing either.  She is also scientifically trained so discussions based in logic, fact and reason do get through to her but only if she is in the right frame of mind.

Also might be worth reading I'm Not Sick by Amador: useful refresher that people really resist being told all about themselves by others, and attempts to do that usually backfire and reinforce the choices you don't like.

Thanks for the reference.  I am one who believes honesty is the best policy and I have without a doubt reinforced her choice to discard and detach forever several times over.  

This whole exercise will be for my own personal growth anyhow, reaching out or not.  I am fairly certain she really has "moved one" and the few straws I am grasping at in order to believe she has not are flimsy at best.  I checked her linkedin profile a couple of days ago for the first time since the discard and saw a recommendation from a guy that "fits the bill" for my replacement, which is heart breaking.

I do wonder at times if the most loving thing I can do here is just to let her go, regardless of the great potential and possibilities I feel we can achieve together.  It is very difficult to let go of her and the dream we once shared.