Absence of mirroring

[shatra]

Hi

  My pwBPD doesn't do much mirroring that I can see.  He does put on the fashion and styles of favorite sports stars and hangs posters of them all over his apartment, but I don't know if that is "mirroring"... .He did not take on any of my hobbies or clothing styles... .

   The only mirroring he did was to mimic my soft tone of voice with me and be loud with everyone else.  He also tried hard to present himself as a good, desirable person to me, but I saw that as his fear of abandonment trying to conviince me not to abandon him.  Putting on a good front isn't mirroring, correct? 

  Mirroring is when they reflect back to you your own image (clothing, music tastes, opinions) correct?

[JayApril]

Correct. I believe mirroring is another aspect of their insecurity and lack of original personality.

[Cane787]

Mine got to the point of mirroring for so long she now works hard to walk exactly like me, even though mine is a natural inherited walk from genetics that I have no control of, she still tries her very best to have my persona down to the walk. Surreal.

[JayApril]

Mine got to the point of mirroring for so long she now works hard to walk exactly like me, even though mine is a natural inherited walk from genetics that I have no control of, she still tries her very best to have my persona down to the walk. Surreal.

Wow, that's just sad. And kind of scary. Mine mirrored my opinions how I dressed. He even tried to  mirror my vocabulary often using words that don't exist, words in the wrong tense, or phrase.

[AwakenedOne]

Looking back at it, my uBPDxw didn't mirror that much. Closest thing to mirroring would be what I was told and how she presented herself regarding her faith in God. I think that was a calculated deception which was done in order to appear to be a desirable wife prospect. She said yes though to about everything up until we were married and then that all changed. I think she did more pretending than mirroring.

[JayApril]

Looking back at it, my uBPDxw didn't mirror that much. Closest thing to mirroring would be what I was told and how she presented herself regarding her faith in God. I think that was a calculated deception which was done in order to appear to be a desirable wife prospect. She said yes though to about everything up until we were married and then that all changed. I think she did more pretending than mirroring.

My ex did this as well, claimed he was a frequent church attendee. I believe wether it's pretending or mirroring it's equally deceptive.

[Cane787]

I agree. It drove me crazy for years. I hated the lack of originality, which I guess is narcissistic of me. But after I learned of BPD, it broke my heart. They are lost souls. All they know is what they see. Then I realized how smart she is with deception, so is the mirroring done so innocently?

[JayApril]

[qutoe] Then I realized how smart she is with deception, so is the mirroring done so innocently? [/quote]
I personally don't think so. The whole point of them mirroring someone is to make themselves more appealing or likable to the people they are attempting to gain acceptance from. This is done on purpose. What makes it seem innocent is their ability to lie to themselves. They don't just mirror a person, they really believe that they are what it is that they are mirroring. And when they are not gaining emotional statisfaction from their lies they begin to act out and project their insecurity. They start to feel like nobody knows them forgetting that they have been lying to you about who they are begin with. If that makes any sense.

[Cane787]

[qutoe] Then I realized how smart she is with deception, so is the mirroring done so innocently?

I personally don't think so. The whole point of them mirroring someone is to make themselves more appealing or likable to the people they are attempting to gain acceptance from. This is done on purpose. What makes it seem innocent is their ability to lie to themselves. They don't just mirror a person, they really believe that they are what it is that they are mirroring. And when they are not gaining emotional statisfaction from their lies they begin to act out and project their insecurity. They start to feel like nobody knows them forgetting that they have been lying to you about who they are begin with. If that makes any sense.[/quote]
Makes perfect sense. How FRUSTRATING for us. I miss who I met. I miss who I believed her to be. I never once enjoyed her as a version of myself. It just convinced me we were kindred souls, but I guess that's the point for them. I actually envy the ones who didn't experience the mirroring because you are absolutely right, they are in complete denial and forget this is their doing, and then we are resented for it. I know we are here to learn and to heal but sometimes I could kick myself for not following my gut feeling how I noticed how drastically she changed once I listed what I loved most in a person. I'm sorry to get off track, just feeling sorry for myself. Just 30 years of hurt and a masquerade boiling over.

[JayApril]

[qutoe] Then I realized how smart she is with deception, so is the mirroring done so innocently?

Makes perfect sense. How FRUSTRATING for us. I miss who I met. I miss who I believed her to be. I never once enjoyed her as a version of myself. It just convinced me we were kindred souls, but I guess that's the point for them. I actually envy the ones who didn't experience the mirroring because you are absolutely right, they are in complete denial and forget this is their doing, and then we are resented for it. I know we are here to learn and to heal but sometimes I could kick myself for not following my gut feeling how I noticed how drastically she changed once I listed what I loved most in a person. I'm sorry to get off track, just feeling sorry for myself. Just 30 years of hurt and a masquerade boiling over. [/quote]
It's okay. Sometimes we have to review the past to learn from our mistakes. As long as you are moving forward for the better, that is all that matters. But, I fond myself feeling that way sometimes too. But, I quickly let go of the idea and realize how intelligent I have become, because of what I have been through. I wished at one point the person that I met in the beginning was real as well.

[once removed]

we all mirror, some of us more effectively than others. mirroring helps facilitate connection to others. if i validate you, im mirroring you. if i laugh at your joke, im mirroring you. if i nod my head as youre telling me about your day, i am mirroring you. in fact mirroring from our attachments in our early development is healthy and crucial.

having said that, there are lots of working definitions of the term, including the one that gets used most on this board, where pwBPD borrow aspects of our personality, and stories vary in that department.

in other words, you have almost certainly been mirrored by your partner, but its far easier for you to say to what extent than it is for me, or how. i was actually just reading the following link, and you may find it useful too:

BPD BEHAVIORS:Mirroring

[shatra]

Thanks for the feedback, all.

   The only mirroring he did was to mimic my soft tone of voice with me and be loud with everyone else.   Other than that, his traits were very ddifferent than mine... .my overall question is: if he didn't do much mirroring of "my triats" back to me, is "trying to put on a good impressison and seem like a better person than they actually are" considered "mirroring"? Because he did plenty of that. If someone said he didn't exercise enough, he would protest and say he really did; if someone said he didn't bowl well enough he got angry and defensive; if he forgot to say thank you he would say hes' "usually the type of person who does the right thing"; if he said he likes country music and I said I like rock he jumped in with "But rock music is good too"---fearful of not seeming to be a "good" person.

   So he didn't "act like me" or take on my traits tha t i can see, but he did try to present himself as a perfect person. Wonder if that is just plain splitting and not mirroring?

  I read so much about how thye do mirroriing, that I wonder why he didn't mirror me though he praised me often

[shatra]

Cane wrote

she now works hard to walk exactly like me, even though mine is a natural inherited walk from genetics that I have no control of,

and Jay wrote that the ex mimics Jay's speech

-----THis is mirroring. I would also consider this to be pure "introjection"... .mirroring is when they reflect back to you what y our trait sare to gain acceptance by you... .introjection is when they take in and almost "swallo" or copy what yoou are, to take you into themselves, so they don't hurt so much by not being around you---they don't "lose" you since they then have you (or your walk or your speech) with them all the time

[troisette]

Mine used to mirror political views. Left wing friends to this day think he is a left wing liberal, right wing friends share his racist, anti-immigration, extreme right wing views. I was always astonished at how he carried it off successfully.

He also mirrored the uncultured behaviour of some of his friends, whilst appearing to be charming and refined to others.

I didn't notice him mirroring me much. Perhaps in vocabulary, just slightly.

At the end, I was mirroring his eating and drinking habits. I'm not sure if this was real mirroring or just for an easy life.

It was all too confusing!

[SummerStorm]

[qutoe] Then I realized how smart she is with deception, so is the mirroring done so innocently?

I personally don't think so. The whole point of them mirroring someone is to make themselves more appealing or likable to the people they are attempting to gain acceptance from. This is done on purpose. What makes it seem innocent is their ability to lie to themselves. They don't just mirror a person, they really believe that they are what it is that they are mirroring. And when they are not gaining emotional statisfaction from their lies they begin to act out and project their insecurity. They start to feel like nobody knows them forgetting that they have been lying to you about who they are begin with. If that makes any sense.

Makes perfect sense. How FRUSTRATING for us. I miss who I met. I miss who I believed her to be. I never once enjoyed her as a version of myself. It just convinced me we were kindred souls, but I guess that's the point for them. I actually envy the ones who didn't experience the mirroring because you are absolutely right, they are in complete denial and forget this is their doing, and then we are resented for it. I know we are here to learn and to heal but sometimes I could kick myself for not following my gut feeling how I noticed how drastically she changed once I listed what I loved most in a person. I'm sorry to get off track, just feeling sorry for myself. Just 30 years of hurt and a masquerade boiling over. [/quote]
Mine literally changed her interests in the middle of conversations with me.  Below is an example.

Me: I'm listening to Janis Joplin on vinyl right now.

Her: Who listens to records anymore?

Me: *Sends picture of record player*

Her: Your level of coolness just increased a lot.  Also, Joplin is f***ing sexy as hell.

But how quickly they forget... .

A few weeks later... .

Me: *Changes from satellite radio in car to Janis Joplin CD

Her: Ugh.  I can't listen to this hippie music.

She mirrored the way one of my co-workers dressed.  When she was student teaching, the principal told her to dress more professionally.  So, she just started dressing like another teacher in our department.  It wouldn't have been that obvious, but she chose to mirror someone who takes a lot of risks by wearing unusual patterns, colors that normally wouldn't look good together, etc. 

And when she and her sister are together, she dresses exactly like her.

I swear, her closet is probably organized according to which outfits she should wear around certain people. 

[Cane787]

This was fascinating Shatra. Does the introjection mean she displays my traits to everyone in her life? Because sadly, the walk isn't the only thing she copied.

[shatra]

Cane787 wrote

This was fascinating Shatra. Does the introjection mean she displays my traits to everyone in her life? Because sadly, the walk isn't the only thing she copied.

-----Yes, often when they introject, it is something others can see.  Introjection is an actual defense mechanism----they defend against their sadness, loss, etc. by "taking in" the loved one's traits, so the absence isn't so painful... .mirroring is when they reflect back to you your traits... .I don't think that's a defense though... .I donn't know why they do that----maybe to make you like them?