Thinking of her is delaying my recovery

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think of her so many times a day. Not because she was so amazing (she was not) but because I really enjoyed spending time with her for whatever reason.  I think if I remember those moments it will make me feel good.  But now I truly believe this has delayed my recovery.

I still ponder and reminisce of our moments together.  It is almost obsessive.  I simply sit and think and ruminate too often after 4.5 months NC.  This can't be good.

Anyone have the same experience? Is it delaying your healing?  I am forcing myself to actively stop thinking of her and stop pondering all those moments.

[hopealways]

I think of her so many times a day. Not because she was so amazing (she was not) but because I really enjoyed spending time with her for whatever reason.  I think if I remember those moments it will make me feel good.  But now I truly believe this has delayed my recovery.

I still ponder and reminisce of our moments together.  It is almost obsessive.  I simply sit and think and ruminate too often after 4.5 months NC.  This can't be good.

Anyone have the same experience? Is it delaying your healing?  I am forcing myself to actively stop thinking of her and stop pondering all those moments.

[homefree]

A problem for me is that I feel like if I stop thinking about her, I will lose the memory of those magical days with her.

“They say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.”

That's what it feels like to me. I don't know how she feels about that time, if at all, so if I don't remember it, it will be lost forever.

I want to hold it close to my heart because it mean so much to me, was such an amazing time for me, but holding it closely is only hurting me.

It feels so ceaselessly cruel.  :'(

[pallavirajsinghani]

Please allow me to offer you another perspective.  Thinking about her is probably helping your mind to process the entire relationship.  If forgotten too soon, then the psyche would have just buried the traumatic memories... .which can rear their heads in some self-destructive ways... .so unless thinking of her becomes obsessive to a point where you become unfunctional in daily life of begin to get severely depressed or begin to cope with it in self-destructive manner... .then I would recommend counseling... .

Otherwise, I would think that it would not be normal to bury the memories too quickly... .let the healing process take its time.  It is a process, not subject to rational commands... .not subject to an act of will... .

Please be kind to yourself.  You can hasten the healing process by deliberately creating good memories for yourself each and every single day... .

[burritoman]

Please allow me to offer you another perspective.  Thinking about her is probably helping your mind to process the entire relationship.  If forgotten too soon, then the psyche would have just buried the traumatic memories... .which can rear their heads in some self-destructive ways... .so unless thinking of her becomes obsessive to a point where you become unfunctional in daily life of begin to get severely depressed or begin to cope with it in self-destructive manner... .then I would recommend counseling... .

Otherwise, I would think that it would not be normal to bury the memories too quickly... .let the healing process take its time.  It is a process, not subject to rational commands... .not subject to an act of will... .

Please be kind to yourself.  You can hasten the healing process by deliberately creating good memories for yourself each and every single day... .

I agree with this. Thinking of the better times with her has helped me accept that she's no longer who I first met. I dug out my old phone that I had right when her and I started talking. I bought a new phone just after that, so the old one has been like a time capsule of the events right up to when I first met her in the flesh. Her texts are fun, upbeat, kind of flirty, lots of exclamation points. It was just a fun interaction with a new person. Overall a stark contrast to the one word, cold, bitter texts she'd send me throughout much of the rest of the relationship, truer to her real self. It's bittersweet to look back, but sometimes it can be sobering.

[enlighten me]

Please allow me to offer you another perspective.  Thinking about her is probably helping your mind to process the entire relationship.  If forgotten too soon, then the psyche would have just buried the traumatic memories... .which can rear their heads in some self-destructive ways... .so unless thinking of her becomes obsessive to a point where you become unfunctional in daily life of begin to get severely depressed or begin to cope with it in self-destructive manner... .then I would recommend counseling... .

Otherwise, I would think that it would not be normal to bury the memories too quickly... .let the healing process take its time.  It is a process, not subject to rational commands... .not subject to an act of will... .

Please be kind to yourself.  You can hasten the healing process by deliberately creating good memories for yourself each and every single day... .

I agree with this. Thinking of the better times with her has helped me accept that she's no longer who I first met. I dug out my old phone that I had right when her and I started talking. I bought a new phone just after that, so the old one has been like a time capsule of the events right up to when I first met her in the flesh. Her texts are fun, upbeat, kind of flirty, lots of exclamation points. It was just a fun interaction with a new person. Overall a stark contrast to the one word, cold, bitter texts she'd send me throughout much of the rest of the relationship, truer to her real self. It's bittersweet to look back, but sometimes it can be sobering.

My exgf also had lots of ! in her texts at the beginning. There were also so many spelling mistakes. It felt like she was always shouting at me. By the end her texts where spelt correct and properly punctuated. Every know and again I get a text from her that has ! but more often than not they are business like. Ive often wondered how they can keep jobs but realise that like her texts theyre not emotionally invested into their work so they can be business like and detached.

[hopealways]

With every major breakup I would also buy a new phone, hide the old one and start with fresh memories. It was like you said a time capsule.  I have not allowed myself to go through those photos but I did read some of the old text messages. Complete idealization until about 5 months into the relationship.  That's about the same time frame that most people here experience.

[C.Stein]

I have lots of photos that remind me of how unbelievably special and intimate our bond was.  It is hard to let that go and I can't delete it.  Regardless of how difficult and painful it has been to lose her, I cherish the memories we made together and one day I will be able to look at them without crying and remember just how special that bond was.

My ex on the other hand almost certainly has deleted pretty much everything ... , she said she would.