In awe of y'all

[RaisenCane]

I've been reading these boards for the past few weeks and realize my situation, although difficult, is not nearly as difficult as what I see here. I'm impressed how y'all can handle yourselves with so much grace in such difficult situations. My uBPDw doesn't rage and is amazing with our children and for that I'm very grateful. I'll learn how to deal with this and have appreciated all the insights and advice y'all have given me so far.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chilibean13]

That's very kind Rasen. What led you to this board? How does BPD manifest in your relationship?

[RaisenCane]

Chilibean,

Thanks for asking. My uBPDw has numerous family members (mom, 2 sisters) with BPD or Bipolar disorders. She grew up dealing with her Mom's raging and has been very conscious of not showing traits of BPD.  2 years ago a gentleman joined our parish. He was a previous Episcopal priest getting a degree in Counseling. He met my MIL at my daughter's first communion and immediately recognized the BPD. He started giving my wife books about it, talking to her about it and telling her how amazing she was that she was able to make it through without being affected by it. We moved away from her family and frankly we didn't discuss them much. When we were with them, my MIL was always on her best behavior because she was concerned we would write her out of our lives a second (went 5 years without talking to her after she didn't attend our wedding). They insisted she had an eating disorder and I was enabling her but she gave birth to a 9.5 lb baby boy 14 months after we were married so I didn't think much of it. My wife and I have been married for 15 years with 5 kids. Although she never raged or was angry, I just never felt I measured up or could do anything right. She didn't nag but I could sense something. Other than a conversation every other year or so about how she wanted me to step up, I thought we were generally happy as did everyone else who knew us, even those closest to her.

This past February, I learned my wife was having an emotional affair with the gentleman from church. We started seeing an MC and I began counseling myself with a T and a P. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and am on medication for both. She tells me how I've been emotionally disconnected from her and the kids for the past 13 years and how I haven't been there for anyone in the family, how I can't hold a conversation... .She tells our MC and me that she is no longer communicating with her "bf." She then decides she wants to our MC to be her personal T so we switch MCs but the new MC insists she will only take us if we are both committed to working on the marriage. In June, I found a "bat" phone she was using to contact the "bf."  I bring it up in counseling and instead of owning what she did, she tells the MC that I am talking about our relationship with my family and close friends which I owned up to. In August, I know they are still communicating but don't have proof so I reach out to her sister who is her best friend to see if she can talk some sense into her. I am, of course the bad guy, she denies everything to her sister (her sister knows she is lying) and they stop talking. In mid Sept (3 days before my bday), I find a 3rd phone and have proof that the emotional affair has turned physical. They are talking about marriage, having more children and how I am a disaster of a father. (Making fun of my anxiety and depression, etc.) Since she still insists she is not communicating with him, I file for divorce. She is served papers on a Friday and I have plans to take the kids away for the weekend, which I do frequently. She begs me to put a continuance on the divorce, which I did within 10 days of filing, and ever since then she blames me for 13 years of a bad marriage, her lost relationship with her sister and friends (who she lied to for months), her loneliness, her lack of support, etc. Any conversation I try to have with her, turns into a JADE session for me and her blaming me for her failed relationships and me reminding her of her affair. During our MC sessions, I admitted that her family history has always been on the back of my mind so now she says that I think she is crazy (although I have compared her to her mother a few times when I have been very angry). I truly love her but every conversation is a circle and a repeat of prior conversations. I've tried to be supportive but admit I'm not emotionally mature enough to handle having everything turned on me. She said she was sorry for the affair and I have apologized for the nasty things I have said when I was angry. I am supposed to move on but she doesn't think I can simply say sorry to her and move on. It's quite maddening and frustrating. At this point, we are not sleeping in the same room, we speak to each other only when there is something related to the kids and frankly that's fine with me. My T keeps telling me to be supportive and act like nothing is wrong but when I do that she tells me she can see right through me and she knows exactly what I'm doing. If I'm angry or frustrated, she tells me she can't understand why I'm holding onto this and can't let go. Nothing is every right or good enough.

My kids are amazing and I am very thankful that my W has homeschooled them for 13 years and has done a fantastic job but now I feel that being in a school while she works on these issues might be better for them but she insists I am punishing them by punishing her.

Prior to May, I had no idea what BPD was (I thought her mom was bipolar) and really hadn't given it much thought in regards to her, but given the events of the past year, I feel her "bf" has unleashed a lot of her past and I am feeling the pain. She is very high functioning and shows 4 of the traits so I doubt she would ever be diagnosed. She is no longer seeing a T of any sort. She has indicated she hasn't had any communication with the "bf" since I filed (but she's lied to me so much I don't know what to believe). Prior to getting marriage, she told me there were 2 things she wouldn't tolerate in the marriage, lying and adultery, but I guess I'm supposed to tolerate them.

She desperately wants to separate but she won't leave unless I agree to share a place with her and she stays with the kids one week while I'm at the other place and then I spend a week with the kids while she is at the other place (of course she will still see them every day when she homeschools them). I'm at a total loss as to what to do at this point.

That was probably more than you bargained for but it feels good to get it out:)

[Ceruleanblue]

This board helped me to realize that I wasn't so alone. It's great that it's helped you to see that there are way more extreme cases, and that you have gratitude for the good that uBPDw brings to your life. I try really hard to focus on the good in BPDh, and build on that. It's hard when he's in such a negative place, but I still try. I also remember when things used to be way worse, and my mental health was at risk because I hadn't learned enough skills to deal with it(or maybe even just stopped letting it hurt me so much).

[RaisenCane]

Ceruleanblue,

Thanks for the response. My biggest issue right now is how to have a normal conversation with her. I think lovingly about her all day and about how I want things to be (and know they can be) but when I walk in the door and she looks at me with such anger and disdain, all my good feelings go out the door and I'm right back where I was when I left in the morning.

[Cat Familiar]

RaisenCane,

So sorry you're dealing with this. I know, from personal experience in my first marriage, that lying and adultery are really hard to deal with. You sound like a loyal and courageous guy. It's really hard when your spouse can sweep their bad behavior under the carpet and think you should move on, yet at the same time attack you for minor issues such as not phrasing something the way they think it should be said. 

Cat   

[Chilibean13]

I'm sorry that you are goign through this. It sounds heartbreaking. I can't imagine what it would be like if my SO cheated on me, especially with someone from church. Glad you are on this board to get the support that you need to get through this, however that ends up.

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[Icthelight]

I've been reading these boards for the past few weeks and realize my situation, although difficult, is not nearly as difficult as what I see here. I'm impressed how y'all can handle yourselves with so much grace in such difficult situations.

I remember seeing this post a few weeks ago and meant to echo what RaisenCane wrote  . I have actually been reading the boards for a few months and feel the same way that RC feels. I'm in awe of how many here continue to offer advice and support when your lives are in some cases falling apart. Thank you for making a difference in my life with your wisdom, battle stories, helpful viewpoints and advice.

I'm thankful to you and this board.