My experience...the long ride

[samynet]

Hello,

I'm 29 and I left 2 months ago my 1year beautiful GF. After all the yelling, anger, mistrust, my love was never enough, one day I was her prince the other the worst man on Earth. I don't know why but I was never capable to fight against her, never raised my voice and I started to feel really down close from a burnout, walking always on eggshels to avoid the conflict.

One day she decided to end our r/s because I didn't to leave together with her and because we were in complete different phases of our lives. I'm a very rational person and some points that she raised, sounded really irrational to me. The day after she called me saying that she wanted me forever... .However I was so burned out that I decided that end this r/s was the healthiest thing to do.

Ah, she is not diagnosed... .but I'm a man with feelings and I know what I was suffering... .since the beginning of our r/s - push and pull , cold, distance on day, lovely and the women of my dreams next day. I asked her to come with me see a therapist but she never agreed.

I dream every night about her and the worst point is that we are co-workers. So everyday I raise my eyes, I see her... . 

I would like to have some of your advice on how to cope with all of this

Thank you very much to you all.

Sam

[enlighten me]

Hi Sam

I can totally relate. I too got burned out by my exgf behaviour. I just didn't have the energy to keep trying so I decided to leave her. It hurt and for months I obsessed over her.

What helped me was firstly realising there was something very wrong with her and not me.

Secondly what was wrong with her was something that I couldn't fix.

Thirdly Im entitled to my own happiness and even to be selfish.

Learning about BPD helped me a lot. Its a complicated disorder and no two are exactly the same but a lot of the behaviour seems to play out in a lot of the relationships.

By the sounds of it your exgf was very similar to mine. Mine was a queen type who felt a sense of entitlement and was very high conflict. Even though the four types (queen, waif, hermit and witch) aren't academically correct it can be useful to read it.

Sharing your experience and finding people who understand is a huge help as you can end up feeling isolated as your friends and family just don't get it.

Try and keep yourself motivated. Its very easy to go through the motions until you can crawl into bed.

Distraction is another good one. hile your thinking and doing something theres not much room for thoughts of them. I wore out my game consuls.

Turn your anger (part of the grieving process) into something productive. For instance hit the gym and use it to motivate yourself "look at what she is missing".

In the end its not a quick fix. You need to go through the pain rather than subdue it or else latter in life it will cause you problems.

It does get better though and one day you will wake up, have your morning coffee, get washed and as your pulling your sock on you will realise that she wasn't the first thing you thought of. After that it will get less and less.