It's not just a breakup

[homefree]

Looking back through old photos, not specifically for her, but she shows up because I was friends with her for 16 years before our relationship.

I realize I'm dealing with multiple layers of things.

1) the end of the relationship, which is hard enough because of the intense emotions I got from it, which are now not available to me.

2) her being immediately with a new guy, which makes me question if that will be successful where ours wasn't, and wondering what they are doing often.

3) realizing how wrong my view of the relationship was, and how I was used. Which complicates #1 since I don't know exactly what was real that I should be cherishing.

4) losing a friend that I had for 17 years. That's a long time to have someone at least on some level in your life. And then for it to end so very suddenly.

5) Realizing after talking to her ex that most of that time when I thought we were real friends, it was just a smaller version of our relationship, where she was using me as a source for much of the time.

6) Understanding for the first time the poor view I have of myself that allowed me to be used in the friendship and to enter into/get trapped in the relationship in the first place.

7) seeing how each new piece of our history I find or re-examine fits amazingly into BPD and not being able to wrap my head around how people can be like that. Trying to accept the fact that I will never know who she is because she doesn't.

8) trying to build a new life that makes me happy. One that I can start moving towards. Learning to love myself and figuring out what I actually want or need. Convincing myself that I am worthy of it.

I do miss her terribly, but I feel like the person I miss isn't there any more, and I start to question if she ever was the person I thought I loved being with.

There is no real closure here, just many open wounds from things I just don't understand.

I can deal with myself, with my problems, with my life. And I will, and things will be better there, I can feel it.

But I can't do anything about her, or the confusion she has sewn through so much of my adult life.

It will all just sit there, spinning away in confusion, until it fades, because I will never really know the answers.

I guess I'm proud of myself for getting as far as I have, considering just how much I'm dealing with. But i can tell I have so long to go.

[Lonely_Astro]

First, please try to be kind to yourself.  You have been through a lot (probably more than you realize).

Secondly, I can empathize with where you are right now.  I, too, have been there.  If you aren't familiar with my story, I started seeing my pwBPD (diagnosed), J, 4 years ago.  We lasted about 4 months and it was a whirlwind.  I was practically NC with her (we work together) for 3 years.  We started up again a year ago and our r/s has just ended. 

While I am a mere child compared to the amount of time you've spent with yours (as friends or more), I want to tell you that closure doesn't really mean anything.  Mine gave me closure when we ended, we are LC (work related with very very minimal personal discussion) currently.  She met me and we talked about the end of the r/s a week or so ago.  It still didn't heal my wounds any, really.  Even as recently as yesterday, she didn't understand why I was so distant to her.  I think, on some level, in her mind she believes we still have something (or at the minimum, a possibility of that in the future).

There is no easy way out.  You'll heal, in time, at your own pace.  But, closure doesn't always give the answers you are seeking.  I still find myself questioning what she said or what she has done (and currently is doing).  Each day I grow a little more resentful and angry at her.  Closure will come from me, not her.

Hang in there, it does get better... .in time.

[Jazzy]

Homefree,

My story is very similar to yours.My BPD ex was one of my closest friends ( he claimed I was his best friend) for about 21 years out of which we were in a relationship for the last 6 years. He replaced me suddenly 6 months ago. We had a wonderful relationship  and were to get married this year. There were red flags  sometimes( like meeting up with ex girlfriends  and  going for holidays with estranged wife ) which I ignored because I trusted him and believed him when he said they were just friends.   I knew he could not handle stressful situations and would buckle under pressure, but I did not give that too much thought because at that that time I had no idea there was something called BPD.  However once his mask came off 6 months ago I realized I had been with a person I did not know at all. He turned into a mean , cruel person overnight lashing out at me for every thing I said , almost as if finding reasons to justify to himself why he dumped me.  He had met the person who replaced me while he was still with me  and  had made plans to move in  with her while he was still with me . I now feel he may have  emotionally and physically cheated on me even on other occasions. 2months ago I stopped all contact with him. It has been the hardest thing I have done in all my life.While he ripped my heart out of my chest and tore it to shreds,and I will never be  able to understand how he could have cheated on me and dumped me the way he did, I still love him very much. I miss him  terribly , especially as a friend , as someone who I could share everything with and who  I thought would always be there for me.

Getting through each day is a  huge challenge , but this forum has helped me a lot . I realize there was nothing I could have done to save my relationship and that there are a lot of people who are in the same boat as us.

Hang in there, keep posting , it is cathartic and I am hopeful we will emerge stronger and  be will  be able to put this behind us some day.

[homefree]

I'm so glad to have found this board.

It's a very bad night. I've been doing well recently, but I've been doing things that remind me of the reality of what I've lost, and this state feels impossible.

It's in some small way a comfort to be among people who can understand this feeling. This feeling of being abandoned. Feeling like I'm left holding the stale dust of my previously magical life, while the one person I want to be with is out traveling with a new man. Probably experiencing the same magic that I once did. Such a specific devastation that I'm sure many of you know or have known.

It's been 5 days since I've wept like this. I knew it would come again, and this hole is as deep and dark as when I left it.

One thing that I've noticed is that when I am here, I don't want to get better. I don't want to move on. I don't want a better life. Because a better life means one without her. And she is all that matters here. Nothing else has any value.

It will pass. I can feel it. All part of the process. But man, this place. This must be hell.

[Jazzy]

Homefree,

I can totally understand the  state you are in ,  feeling totally hopeless and helpless ,having gone through it myself only very recently . My partner continues to be on my mind every single waking moment and I still sob uncontrollably umpteen  number of times during the day especially when something reminds me of him.  But it has got a wee bit  better in the sense that  I realize only  I  myself can make the situation easier by accepting what he has done to me , that what I thought was magical was fake,  that the love I  thought I got from him  was not real. He needed me then, now he needs someone else so he  has transferred  his" love" to  the person who can fulfill his need. It was not an unconditional , forever type of love . It is   very very hard to imagine someone else is now  in the position you enjoyed in your partner's life all these years, initially as a friend and then in a relationship. You wonder how someone you trusted so much could possibly do that to you. I can understand how devastated and betrayed you must feel right now.I too have gone through days when I felt I would barely survive.Believe me it does get better with time although  the process is  extremely painful and  very  very slow. I don't know whether the pain does ever go away completely  or whether one stops thinking of them all the time , but one just learns to cope  better with the situation  and understand that there is nothing one could have done to stop them from leaving you.

Good luck.