the brutality of the push pull

[kc sunshine]

Can anyone share some of their push pull stories? I'm coming out of a particularly brutal week of them. She broke up with me about 6 weeks ago, but we've been very close and still exclusive until up to last week. I know the big question is why did/do I keep coming back for more. Hopefully I won't anymore.

Day 1: I ask her to be just friends, no more sleeping together and such close contact. She says she wants to have me in her life and to be close in the ways that were good for us (e.g. talking & sex)

Day 2: massive push by going home with someone and telling me about it the next morning. I am furious and vow to go NC.

Day 3: I reinitiate contact ( ) and we have a nice time together. She says she wants to have me in her life too. 

Day 4: She asks me to come over during the day and we sleep together. Very nice time, very loving.

Day 5. Getting weird. She is more cold to me, and is on her phone texting all the time. She says she feels guilty with me because of him and guilty with him because of me. I ask her not to text in front of me.

Day 6: She asks me over for dinner with her mom. I go but she is texting all the time. I try to keep my cool but it feels so rude after I asked her not to do it. She asks me to leave after dinner but I'm so messed up I want to stay. She's pushing and now I'm pulling. Finally I go, thank goodness, and head out to meet my friends. She says, as I'm leaving, "you should go hook up with someone", which feels totally brutal.

Day 7: She asks if I am okay and we text a bit. I've got my cool back, so it feels okay. I go out to dinner with my friends and then get a text from her at around 9 asking her if I could bring her a donut. I do but when I get there and sit down next to her she says "I only wanted the donuts." (wow, did she really just say that? I thought). Things go downhill from there. She says she just wants to be friends nows. She apologizes for calling me over and for the whole week, and says please go again. I have a hard time going but finally do, thank goodness. Ugh.

Does this sound familiar to other push pull situations? Any advice?

[blackbirdsong]

Does this sound familiar to other push pull situations? Any advice?

Yes. But consider the fact that you are also playing this game, not only her. And I can tell you only one advice: Stop this. For your own good.

[kc sunshine]

Thanks blackbird. I know. So hard to stop.

[blackbirdsong]

Thanks blackbird. I know. So hard to stop.

Ask yourself the ultimate question: "Why would I like to spend time with someone who hurts me?"

Find the reason deep in your inner self.

Be strong! I hope you find your path.

[kc sunshine]

It's the worst. I feel like I'm going crazy. A merry go round that is making me sick but I don't want to get off of. I want to want to get off of it!

[kc sunshine]

That's a great question. I will ask that of myself.

[blackbirdsong]

I want to want to get off of it!

Well, it usually doesn't go that way. It is like an addiction.

At first you don't need to want to stop. You just need to realize that it makes you feel bad/hurt/damaged.

Then the war begins. The biggest battle ever.   The battle with your inner self.

And than, when you realize that by each day you feel better, then you will know that you don't want to go back!

So, this feeling will come when everything is over.

Now you need to start, even dough you don't want it.  

[kc sunshine]

Yes, that makes such such. I'll jump off.

Even more than her brutal behavior, I'm ashamed of my clingy behavior. I don't want to be that person. Maybe that's the thought that will get me off the merry go round.

[kc sunshine]

today is such a rough day.

[hopealways]

The push/pull is one of the hallmarks and also the most crazy making of BPD traits.  It is what led to me giving up on any hope for our relationship. So frustrating on so many levels.  Mine admitted that she is a push/puller but did not know how to stop. She said she gets anxiety when she feels like she is getting close to me (engulfment) so she pushes me away. This is so true. 

I could give you 100s of examples of her push pull behavior.  A relevant one is during holidays. She always except for 1 Xmas would start a fight and break up with me (push) then in January reconnect and pull me back in.  The one Xmas she did stay she had so much anxiety xmas morning she took 2 shots of Vodka and smoked cigarettes all before 10am.

[Confused?]

Kc you have been on this board for around the same time I joined. Could you maybe summarize your last year since your first posts of deciding to go no contact. Maybe just typing out what has happened in a year will help you see the cycle you are in?

[hopealways]

I even sent her a link to an article about why we push/pull, the next day she admitted that everything in that article was what she does to me. 1 week later she left me for good. It has been 5 months NC.

I think she finally knew that she was disordered and had enough empathy (finally) to let me go as she knew how much she was hurting me.  I am still greatly hurt by the loss of her, but finally learning to let go of it all. Today I thought of her and smiled.  Not because I longed for her, but because I have learned to cherish the positive memories we had together, but move forward.

[blackbirdsong]

I even sent her a link to an article about why we push/pull, the next day she admitted that everything in that article was what she does to me. 1 week later she left me for good. It has been 5 months NC.

I think she finally knew that she was disordered and had enough empathy (finally) to let me go as she knew how much she was hurting me.  I am still greatly hurt by the loss of her, but finally learning to let go of it all. Today I thought of her and smiled.  Not because I longed for her, but because I have learned to cherish the positive memories we had together, but move forward.

What if she contacts you after some time and says that she is aware of the things she did wrong, starting therapy and ask you to continue the relationship? What would you do?

I know this is "what-if" but I am really interested in your honest answer

[hopealways]

I even sent her a link to an article about why we push/pull, the next day she admitted that everything in that article was what she does to me. 1 week later she left me for good. It has been 5 months NC.

I think she finally knew that she was disordered and had enough empathy (finally) to let me go as she knew how much she was hurting me.  I am still greatly hurt by the loss of her, but finally learning to let go of it all. Today I thought of her and smiled.  Not because I longed for her, but because I have learned to cherish the positive memories we had together, but move forward.

What if she contacts you after some time and says that she is aware of the things she did wrong, starting therapy and ask you to continue the relationship? What would you do?

I know this is "what-if" but I am really interested in your honest answer

Blackbirdsong, while I would like to give the answer that I would stick with NC if she says those things, my honest answer is that I would welcome this and continue with open arms.  My brain says to do otherwise but my heart would give her yet another chance.  The intoxication I felt while with her, everything about her: from her scent to her skin, to her eyes, her face, her hair, her smile, her laugh is something that today I feel I will never experience again, and this is part of my suffering.  

[Beacher]

KC this is so brutal and unhealthy. I have experienced the push/pull but nothing like this. The doughnut story just made me sick. Please take care of yourself and go NC- block her, avoid her, anything to give yourself some space of your own to think things over. You sound like a person that has so much to give, and deserve to be given love in return. Stay strong!

[homefree]

This sounds so familiar, just different details. Not as brutal, but still incredibly painful to experience. I was just so confused and off guard and just wanted to be happy again by having her interest or touch. Each push cycle would deepen the wound, making it hurt more. Each pull would heal that pain, making each pull seem more and more powerful and my need for it's healing greater and greater. I was so off guard I would just forget what a person who cared about me would/should actually do. The rules got so skewed in my head that nothing started to matter except stopping the pain, and only she could do that. I know your madness/nightmare, kc. At one point I accepted the fact that my body had been under so much constant physical stress that I was going to get a heart attack and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

A great friend of mine helped me decide to go NC. Only then did it change. The physical stress subsided and I felt relief for about 2 days. Then the emotional attachment pain set in and I've been dealing with that ever since. But at least I'm dealing with it. When I was in the cycle, I was utterly lost. There can be no healing there.

[apollotech]

I have a hard time going but finally do, thank goodness.

kc,

If you don't mind sharing, I'd like to know why you feel compelled to stay in this madness.

[shatra]

kc wrote

She says, as I'm leaving, "you should go hook up with someone", which feels totally brutal.

-----Why would she tell you to be with someone else?  Does that mean she doesn't want to be with you, or she still does?

-----You wrote that she recently went home with someone and told you about it. Are you jealous? How are you able to still be with her (I am just curious how you are able to do this---I would be very upset myself)

----How long had you been NC before this?

[nolisan]

 I have, thank god, been n/c for over 3 years but your story reminded me of the insanity.

I recall after one "push away" I returned to my home and "power puked" almost took the toilet of it's foundation. My body was sending me a very strong message but I didn't listen. Several more months of torture. By the end I had lost 35 lbs - cut off of me by the swinging pendulum - cutting deeper with each swing.

ACoA speaks of "getting addicted to excitement". I was. The detox was brutal. I thought I would die. These r/s's are simply put DANGEROUS.

KC I quote "Hopefully I won't anymore." Please take out the "Hopefully" and step away.

[kc sunshine]

Thank you all for your replies. They mean so much to me and help to fill the huge hole/crater that feels like it has been blasted inside me. She once told me "I can make someone love me." . She said it forebodingly, like a warning. Since she said it when she was in the clingy stage, I didn't feel like I risked losing her love so that it would be okay if she was making me love her.

To all your good questions:

kc wrote

She says, as I'm leaving, "you should go hook up with someone", which feels totally brutal.

-----Why would she tell you to be with someone else?  :)oes that mean she doesn't want to be with you, or she still does?

-----You wrote that she recently went home with someone and told you about it. Are you jealous? How are you able to still be with her (I am just curious how you are able to do this---I would be very upset myself)

----How long had you been NC before this?

To your first question: Why would she tell you to be with someone else?  :)oes that mean she doesn't want to be with you, or she still does?

The best, most generous read is that she meant that I should go soothe myself by being with someone else (like she had done the week before). I think she said it perhaps out of a concern for my sadness (maybe it had helped her feel better and more able to detach from me). Even with that good read, though, it is a pretty mean thing to say because what she did was pretty harsh the week before (get together with someone else for the first time in front of me). The worst read is that she is punishing me. She said it kind of meanly, with an element of cruelty, so that could be.

The next day she texted me asking if I had gone out and also what I was doing that night (not to ask me to do something, just out of "being nosy" she said. When I told her I had gone out with friends and was going out with them again, she suggested that they might be good potential partners for me. Strange, and not something I would do. Wait, that is making me think of a third reason-- maybe she felt guilty about going out with that guys and if I did the same it would make her feel less guilty, sort of take her of the hook?  


-----You wrote that she recently went home with someone and told you about it. Are you jealous? How are you able to still be with her (I am just curious how you are able to do this---I would be very upset myself)

I was terribly, heartbreakingly jealous. Then I thought these things (not at the same time, and some of them are in tension with the others:  1) maybe this is what she needs to protect herself (I am probably moving in the summer-- that's why she broke up with me, because she doesn't want to move there or be in a long distance relationship so we don't have much of a future).  2) maybe it was just a 1 night thing because she was mad at me, and I can fight for the relationship. 3) maybe we can have some kind of open relationship, maybe it would work (she wanted this at first, not anymore). I got a book (the ethical slut) about open relationships and it had lots of good things about how to deal with jealousy in it. I think I would have been able to take 1) the fact that they got together that night 2) the possibility of the open relationship. What I couldn't take was the constant texting in front of me-- that felt rude and like it was throwing it in my face in a cruel way. It made me both jealous and feel like I was being treated badly.  


----How long had you been NC before this?

This is our second big round of our relationship. We had broken up in July 2014 and were more or less broken from then until May 2015 but stayed in contact most of the time, and would sometimes try to reconnect (never for very long). She had painted me black a lot during that time, but even though we were broken up and I was painted black, we were still very attached to one another. I didn't see anyone else and always held some hope we would get back together. She tried to see a couple of others but nothing worked out (she said that she only half-heartedly went for those things, because she had me mostly on her mind). I think our longest NC was a few weeks. That we stayed wanting each other and not with others during this time was part of the romantic story in my head, like we hadn't really broken up before (even though she had). That she is seeing someone else now (and is so mean to me in this particular, cold way-- she would be mean to me before but it was always because of something that she was mad about that I did) makes me feel that it is over. I'm mourning the loss in this way for the first time.  :'(

[kc sunshine]

Kc you have been on this board for around the same time I joined. Could you maybe summarize your last year since your first posts of deciding to go no contact. Maybe just typing out what has happened in a year will help you see the cycle you are in?

Hi confused!

We were together from October 2013-July 2014. She broke up with me when I went on a long trip in July (she hates when I travel-- that is understandable from a BPD perspective) and painted me pretty severely black. Sometime around then, I found the boards and started learning more about BPD. I knew she had it but I didn't really know the details of it beyond that she would get so suddenly mad at me and blame me. From the boards I learned about the phenomenon of being painted black and also the progression of a BPD relationship (idealization, clingy, devaluation). I also learned that they will always test you, and that it will never be enough. Those things helped me detach a bit (and let myself off the hook for failing her tests) but I was not able to go NC if she contacted me and was being loving to me (I could always leave pretty easily if she was being mean to me).

July 2014-May 2015: Strangely I can't remember this time very well. I'll read back through my posts here to fill in the fuzzy parts. As I wrote above, we were "mostly broken up but we saw each other once in a while but stayed in contact most of the time, and would sometimes try to reconnect (never for very long)... .I didn't see anyone else and always held some hope we would get back together. She tried to see a couple of others but nothing worked out (she said that she only half-heartedly went for those things, because she had me mostly on her mind). I think our longest NC was a few weeks. That we stayed wanting each other and not with others during this time was part of the romantic story in my head, like we hadn't really broken up before."

May 2015- mid-October 2015: We got back together, and for lots of time it was great, the idealization time again. She hated when I would travel though (to see my kids) and would feel very sad. I understand that this was too tough on her and that she needed to break up. She broke up with me when I was away in October. I feel bad that I couldn't have made her feel safer during my away times (reassured her more, called her more, validated her more). If I had done those things, she might not have broken up.

October-December: We stayed in very close contact, and saw each other a ton. It was like we weren't broken up, so it was hard for me to believe we were. At first it was good "radical acceptance" she called it, but then it got bad-- she got madder and madder at me (if for example, I couldn't see her when she wanted me to-- and she seemed to have a sixth sense about when I was doing something else) and then this last week happened. .

That's the timeline!

[troisette]

Yes, it does sound familiar kc sunshine. I didn't realise it was push/pull  at the time, just thought it was game playing - and I was reciprocating. Not good.

The push/pull lasted for four months after the official end of the relationship. I then started no contact. The best option in my view.

[kc sunshine]

thanks for your words troisette.

I think NC would be good. I have to not just depend on her not to contact. That's how I've done it before and look where it led me.

[kc sunshine]

Yes, it does sound familiar kc sunshine. I didn't realise it was push/pull  at the time, just thought it was game playing - and I was reciprocating. Not good.

The push/pull lasted for four months after the official end of the relationship. I then started no contact. The best option in my view.

Troisette, what's the difference between push/pull and game? And how did you finally decide to go no contact?

[troisette]

Hi kc, I'm not sure of the differences, it's just that what I thought of as game playing I think I recognise as push/pull since I've been on this site. You see, I didn't know anything about BPD until after we broke up, once I did I started nc.

The details of my experiences may be boring and I apologise if they are, but this is what happened:

We were on holiday, his birthday and I gave him a lovely two days. We then went on to stay with friends of his for three days, later moving on to a holiday cottage we had pre-rented for time alone. His behaviour with the woman of the house was overtly flirty and she was always in our faces  She had problems and they dominated our stay, it was claustrophobic - in the middle of countryside without escape. She invited herself over for lunch at the cottage we were moving on to. She and ex had been drinking heavily during our stay and we only had four days at the cottage we were moving onto. My experience led me to believe that it would not just be lunch but an extended drinking session leading to her and her husband having to stay overnight, taking a day out of our four days. For the first time in our relationship I asserted myself and told ex that I did not want her to come for those reasons. This was conveyed to her privately by ex so I don't know what he said. He told me that he told her that we wanted some time together alone. She was then extremely rude to me and sent a horrible email while we were driving to what was supposed to be an idyllic retreat. That was the start... .

The email was read when we arrived at a beautiful getaway, it caused a huge row. The first and only big one. He'd always told me that if we argued the relationship would end. During the argument he told me that I was being unfair to her. He cried and had a mini fit, burying his head in the sofa. I was desperately unhappy, away from home and not wanting the relationship to end but I knew that it had to. This was the latest and last of a long pattern of him using other women to make me jealous.

We both were depressed and I spent the rest of the stay trying to cheer him up, he absorbed my energy like a sponge. Once we got on the boat home he hugged me, smiling, touching my knee, referring to when we came back to that country again. The pull... .

Once home, he came over to return keys and things. Told me we could never get back together again - the push. I agreed although I'm not sure whether that was the response he wanted.

Three weeks later he took off again for three weeks (running away?). He was going to leave his pet on her own, I offered to look after her. Push/pull. He emailed regularly me while he was away saying that he missed me. I was beginning to think a reconciliation was possible. Pull. He returned and came over to my house. Was very formal. Push. He left and I thought "okay, it's over". He returned without warning four hours later with a bunch of flowers as thanks for looking after his pet. Pull. Then tried, unsuccessfully, to seduce me. Pull/push. He returned the next day to collect his pet, again very formal, then more unsuccessful seduction. During which I laid a boundary saying I would not do FWB.

My birthday ten days later. He wanted to take me out to dinner. Pull. I refused. Push. He phoned me on the morning. Pull. Then posted on my FB timeline. Pull. The following day was a big party for a mutual friend that we had both committed to attending. Although I said not necessary he insisted on calling for me and going together. Pull.

I made sure I looked fab. Pull. When he called for me he delivered a cheap gift, wrapped in used paper. (This is important because he is an art director and very conscious of presentation - push.) He worked the room at the party. Push. Told me I looked beautiful. Pull. That I look ugly when angry. Push. I told him everyone looks ugly when they are angry, even him. Push. He drew a woman out on to the balcony where I was standing, six feet away and was flirting with her within earshot. Push.

I then didn't see him for a while but his motorbike was still in my garage. Phoned me to remove it, I arranged a time when I knew I would not be alone. I was wary by now. While in the garage he invited me over to his house for dinner and invited me out for a day. Pull. I did not commit myself. Still thinking maybe he wanted a reconciliation but wanting time to think about it. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me when he left. Pull.

Discussed this with friends whose advice was that I needed to know what his feelings were for closure. So I went over for dinner. Very nice. He laid with his head in my lap listening to poetry. Pull. I was watchful but longing for reconciliation even though I was wary. I asked the question "What do you want for us?" He reverted to child, saying "I don't know, we can  never get back together" Push. I told him, truthfully, that I had spent some of the best times of my life with him, that I would not do FWB, that I needed to go forward and to do so I must leave him behind. Pull/push.

A phone message from him the following morning thanking me for a lovely evening and glad we could still be friends. (Something I had not agreed to.) Pull. I phoned him back and said friends wasn't an option. Push.

Then the big realisation. A cousin of a friend is a psychiatrist. Discussing the oddities - b&w thinking, disassociation, devaluation and idealisation and so on, I was asked if I knew that I was describing indicators of BPD. I started reading and discovered this site. Horrified.

There were still some things of his in my house. (Pull on my part, his too I guess.) As I read and read I became more convinced that he is BPD. I phoned him to arrange to return them. Delivered them to his house on the doorstep. He said "thanks darlin" - push. If it had been "darling" it would have been pull. I then instigated no contact and blocked him from FB. I only realised today that a couple of his posts were designed to pull me in again. He succeeded, I commented - they were about professional matters. He didn't respond. Push.

Ten weeks no contact and I receive a pendant that I had genuinely lost at his house, in the spring. I'd asked about it several times before nc but he was uninterested. I considered it lost forever. Ten days ago he put it through my letterbox with a formal note and a formal Christmas card. My first instinct was to email my thanks. Comments on this site, and my own feelings after 24 hours caused me to decide to stay nc. I really don't know whether it was a pull or not but am glad I didn't contact him.

I own my part in this tawdry story. I wish I had been better informed and less emotionally involved. That's why I feel safer in nc. But still dreading Christmas and the possibility that I might meet him at parties. Not sure what my response will be because I haven't seen him to speak to for three months, since I delivered his stuff.

So anyway, that's my interpretation of what I think was push/pull. And it doesn't really matter if it was or not, it was what it was. Hope it helps and that it hasn't bored you.

[kc sunshine]

Thanks so much for sharing Troisette, your story is very helpful (and not at all boring!) for me to read. I think your labelling things as push pull is very accurate. And also very freeing in a way-- if we see it as push pull and label it as such we don't have to get lost in the details (or the brutality or the seductiveness) of the actual behaviors.

[SandWitch]

troisette,

Beautifully shared and so enlightening.  I am crying now after reading your story.  Actually sobbing in painful realization. In push/pull I see how hope is used to take someone's trust and then throw it away.  How hoping (without a firm commitment by the BP) is self inflicted pain. 

Last night I wrote the email that should close the door.  Whether or not it stays closed is not up to him - it is up to me.  He states he would like to  have me in his life . . . FWB is DEFINITELY NOT who I am.  Let's just delay the pain a little longer, shall we? 

While I was hoping for a meeting in the middle and a commitment us as the priority - he is angling for a relationship in which I am Old Faithful and his energy goes into romancing and seducing who ever he wants.   

He is re-enacting his painful childhood over and over and over.  I did not audition for that part.  Protect me from what I want - it is not real to him. 

[troisette]

"In push/pull I see how hope is used to take someone's trust and then throw it away."

Absolutely SandWitch, succinct. If I had the knowledge I have now, I would not have participated in such an emotionally dangerous game. I think I would have recovered much earlier if he hadn't laid his bait so many times. As I'm sure you know, it's this prolonging of hope that causes such emotional damage, the see saw of hope and despair that stops us from regaining emotional equilibrium. And the hooks go deeper and deeper and are more difficult to remove.

The phone rang when I was typing that post, I didn't pick it up and no message was left. When I checked the caller number, it had been withheld. I have no idea if it was him or a cold caller. Just so annoyed that I wondered if it was him... .

Yes, it is up to you. To reclaim yourself although I know that it's easy to type, so difficult to do. Please stay strong and value yourself above him. So he had a difficult childhood... .not your problem anymore. Look after you.

I'm glad you found it helpful kc. It's the first time I've written it down and it gave me clarity about the dynamics of the past six months. And yes, it does help to label the push and the pull and see things more clearly and somehow diminish them.

 across cyberspace

[kc sunshine]

"In push/pull I see how hope is used to take someone's trust and then throw it away."

As I'm sure you know, it's this prolonging of hope that causes such emotional damage, the see saw of hope and despair that stops us from regaining emotional equilibrium. And the hooks go deeper and deeper and are more difficult to remove.

Both these quotes are resonating so much to me. The see saw of hope and despair. Emotional damage is the danger, it is what at stake. It's hard for me to put my finger on what emotional damage is though. I do know that it hurts badly. I also do know there are somethings that seem to be helping me regain that emotional equilibrium. Music and laughing with friends about the situation (want some donuts? )  the are helping this week.

My BPD ex is texting me this week with friendly, "caring/concerned" messages like "how are you doing?" I'm trying to respond with BIFF. But I can feel the slight pull (and push actually, because they are so formal and written like a caretaker). Maybe NC or maybe it will just wither like this-- it seems like it might. I don't want to see her or talk to her on the phone.

[troisette]

When I went nc KC, I felt that I was re-empowering myself. In my eyes and his. So I wasn't available for the games anymore. This made me feel better. He's still almost everpresent in my mind of course, but he doesn't know that and by keeping no contact I am asserting my power. That feels much better than succumbing to the lures. And eventually he will fade, I wish I knew how long that will take because he's like an unwanted lodger in my brain. 

Yes, I too can have fun with friends,  he dims in my brain then, so I think it is important to socialise. Although I'm not hard on myself when I need to be solitary and I don't give myself too heavy a schedule. Balance... .and that of course is what is missing in BPDs... .

Good luck. Keep posting. We will get there. One thing I have noticed from reading posts from years ago is that people posting then aren't posting now... .

[kc sunshine]

Good luck. Keep posting. We will get there. One thing I have noticed from reading posts from years ago is that people posting then aren't posting now... .

Oh, that is SUCH a good point!

A powerful motivation to me is not to be clingy and desperate, which this push pull drew out in me. Yuch.

[steve195915]

"In push/pull I see how hope is used to take someone's trust and then throw it away."

As I'm sure you know, it's this prolonging of hope that causes such emotional damage, the see saw of hope and despair that stops us from regaining emotional equilibrium. And the hooks go deeper and deeper and are more difficult to remove.

Both these quotes are resonating so much to me. The see saw of hope and despair. Emotional damage is the danger, it is what at stake. It's hard for me to put my finger on what emotional damage is though. I do know that it hurts badly. I also do know there are somethings that seem to be helping me regain that emotional equilibrium. Music and laughing with friends about the situation (want some donuts? )  the are helping this week.

My BPD ex is texting me this week with friendly, "caring/concerned" messages like "how are you doing?" I'm trying to respond with BIFF. But I can feel the slight pull (and push actually, because they are so formal and written like a caretaker). Maybe NC or maybe it will just wither like this-- it seems like it might. I don't want to see her or talk to her on the phone.

KC, your situation is very similar to mine in lots of ways.

I'm still in contact with my BPDex almost daily but my resolve is very strong in not falling back.  I know having contact is not the preferred way here but it's working for me, it eases the pain and I'm seeing things more clearly.  Like this weekend we spent together at my house, and it was overall a good time with the exception of a few blowups by her wherein I stayed calm and basically didn't respond or engage.  After 10 minutes of her verbal abuse, she stopped and next thing you know all was good like it never occurred.  It didn't even bother me, just had me thinking she is absolutely insane and thank god I'm not married to her.  Anyways she left thanking me for a wonderful weekend and saying she loves me.  Then last evening I called but she was in work late and didn't answer so she called me back when she got off and told me she'll call me when she's settled and in bed.  Then later when I received no call I sent a good night text.   Then I get nasty messages saying actions speak louder than words and she will never believe me and how my busy life didn't allow me to call and finally "goodbye".  The intent of the goodbye was to say she's done with the relationship.  I just laughed and didn't respond.  This morning another message from her saying "good morning, your ego don't let you call or you too busy with?".  Probably jealousy issues in her head thinking I have all these other women in my life.  All I responded with is good morning.  Then she calls me on her lunch, all is normal, says how is your day sweetheart, talks about her work and sick dog, we say we will talk later.  All I can think is that this woman is absolutely insane. Push-Pull-Push-Pull-Hate-Love-Hate-Love... . 

I feel like I'm gaining control, not getting emotional and can see through her attempted manipulations, I can recognize her insane actions and only feel some pity for her however I know a life with her will mostly be filled with intense pain and hurt.  I deserve better.  When she didn't call last night I was actually relieved, I didn't feel like I wanted to talk or be exposed to any of her abuse towards me or hear about it directed to all the other so called terrible people in her life.  That's why I didn't call.  

I do wonder though if she is thinking we are still together.  She told me she was through several weeks ago, said we can remain friends, and we never had any discussion to change that.  I don't want to ask because my response is no way would I ever consider a permanent relationship with her.  I feel like I'm working myself to the day when I will not care if she's any part of my life.  

[kc sunshine]

Sounds like you are on top of it. The one thing though is that in my experience they can find a way to trigger you. For me her sleeping with someone else for the first time after our relationship ended (and while we were still sleeping together and very connected) was a huge trigger-- brought me totally down the rabbit hole in a way that opened me up to all kinds of bad, rude, thoughtless treatment. You might want to prepare for that... .

[steve195915]

Sounds like you are on top of it. The one thing though is that in my experience they can find a way to trigger you. For me her sleeping with someone else for the first time after our relationship ended (and while we were still sleeping together and very connected) was a huge trigger-- brought me totally down the rabbit hole in a way that opened me up to all kinds of bad, rude, thoughtless treatment. You might want to prepare for that... .

Yes I thought of her starting up with someone else and hopefully my thoughts then would be that I'm fortunate she's someone else's nightmare.  I feel that's the inevitable outcome and at that time our contact will end.  For now she's extremely busy in her fairly new full time job (6 days a week typically) and she's been seeing me on her days off.  There's no potential targets at her work, she doesn't go out, her first full time job in her life is making her feel empowered in that she doesn't need to latch onto anyone, and even if she meets someone she wouldn't have sex with them until they have an STD test.  So this buys me time to detach.  I'm not spending money on her for Christmas so maybe that will be the end.