Those with exes with narcissistic traits, have you tried the gray rock method?

[thisworld]

So my exBPD is pretty narcissistic and impulsive and has a tendency to sabotage people - even though he generally keeps his smear campaigns to his circle (which may expand). I think he may be very angry with me inside because I ended our relationship and he was completely dependent on me.  I've learnt about the "gray rock" method where you don't go NC - it is said that NC is the best but sometimes the narcissist may be unable to accept this and start reaching out to your environment- but act so bland, so bland, so unreactive in communication that he gradually loses interest in you and drops you, running off to other supplies.

Have you tried this? What are your experiences?

www.ladywithatruck.com/2013/09/20/gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-narcissist/

[kc sunshine]

Yes, I'm trying this now and also did before. It seems to be going okay, it's limited to text, I respond but don't initiate and respond with BIFF (brief, informational, friendly, and final). It's taking lots of the "charge" out of our interactions. The only problem with it is that it can still be hooking, especially if I forget the "final" part (e.g. no questions for them).

[thisworld]

KC sunshine, thanks for the response. My T advises this at the moment and the rationale she has given matches my gut and instincts so well. Can you explain what you mean by "hooking"? Psychologically taking you away from detachment or hooking you into ego fights? Do you have any advice or tips for me? Was your ex narcissistic and borderline too? I dealt with a narc before but I find this BPDex with narc traits a less controlled. We are now talking about even starting with a positive supply and then decreasing it because he is very angry with me at the moment. Mine is limited to text too. 

[Moselle]

I have a psychopathic boss.

He has reduced my salary twice and demoted me for his kicks.

I'm going through a high conflict divorce with my soon to be ex and I can't afford the emotional drama of another fight.

How can I handle him.

I'm.considering raising grievance report fro bullying. Has anyone tried blowing them out of the water with evidence. If he survives ( likely ) will he target me more?

Is there a way to be a gray rock here !and get my salary  and position back

[troisette]

That's a hell of a situation for you to be in Moselle, my sympathy to you.

Dealing with a psychopath and a BPD concomitantly, tough.

"I can't afford the emotional drama of another fight" ... .understandable, you need to conserve your emotional strength.

Being a grey rock and raising a grievance report seem antithetical to me. Because raising the grievance report will likely reinforce his need for power over you and his need to undermine you (he's already done that), and punish you some more. Which is likely to up the stakes of emotional trauma for you.

If he survives I'd say that yes, he almost definitely will target you more. The question for yourself is can you handle that whilst going through a high conflict divorce?

Being a grey rock could also be stressful for you if you internalising strong resentment against him. If not it could be helpful.

It's a difficult situation for you; is there any opportunity to change jobs and leave one set of problems behind you?

Whatever, double sympathy and good luck.

[Moselle]

Thanks for your feedback Troisette,

I have made a decision to leave which is sad because I love my job. This guy came in after me and decided he didn't like me. I guess we attract these types 

My wife phoned my work and they actually had a conversation. Her feedback to me was "Your boss is a very nice man and has integrity. Not like you", so I guess a new job is the only real option here.

I've started with a few applications but realistically I need three months or so to transition.

Do you think grey rock or HR grievance will work better to get me three months of survival?

[troisette]

My view Moselle is that the most important thing for you is to look after yourself.

You may wish to file a grievance report, to resolve your sense of injustice. This would be entirely understandable. But if the grievance was not upheld it would probably make you feel worse and also make you a target for more bullying on his part. And you are vulnerable at this time. Could filing a report also affect the references you need for another job?

So I think grey rock in the short term would be beneficial, I don't think it would help you in the long term as you'd probably be storing your sense of injustice, to your detriment. And I think once you are in a new job your sense of grievance will fade as you become involved in a new organisation and with new people. You'll probably have a sense of relief to be away.

I'm dumbfounded that your wife phoned your boss - that seems unboundaried to me. And her response about him seems designed to undermine you. (I'm just feeling this, I may be wrong.) You don't need a psychopath and a BPD in cahoots, when neither of them have your best interests at heart.

So I'd try to look at it intellectually. See escape on the horizon, figure out what's the best modus operandi for you to get away with the least emotional hassle for you. And then look forward... .

I was in a similar situation once. Not with a psychopath but a boss who was having an affair with his former assistant. He was besotted with her, I was her replacement and he was constantly comparing me, disadvantageously, with her. His wife had insisted that she leave when she found out about the affair. So nothing I could do was right. I was in financial straits and depended on the job while being constantly criticised.

I started looking for another job, was given an interview and got it. I loved it, far better than the old one and I moved on and up within the new company.

So it really was one door shutting and another, better one, opening. One other thing I would say; don't take another job just for the sake of moving. Noting what you have said about attracting them, use what you have learnt from your past experiences with BPD and this psychopath and listen, observe at your interviews. Trying to suss the management practises of the company and the type of people you will be working with.

Good luck! 

[Moselle]

Hey Troisette,

Thanks for being my voice of reason in the madness. I really needed a bit of perspective right now. A big part of me wants to defend my boundaries, but the timing is not stellar and I don't think it's a battle I can win given my energy demand elsewhere. Grey rock is by far the smarter option and I like what you say about treating it intellectually, not emotionally. I can make a conscious choice not to defend my boundaries because in the present moment it doesn't serve me.

Yes   the stb-ex phoned my boss, she phoned HR, she sent emails to our generic sales email address through the company website. She got through to my office partner -a lady who started to tell her to think of the children. She sent the police to serve a DV claim at work Nightmare scenario! What can I say -she's psychotic, dangerous and uncooperative

The amazing thing was that the office rallied behind  me. But  the boss has used it in his mind games

[troisette]

Better not to tell stbexwife of your plans then... .with impending divorce she might try to sabotage them.

And if possible, don't tell her your place of new employment.

Yes, dangerous and sounds vituperative.

Look after yourself.