What should we do if we feel getting caught in a karpman drama triangles ?

[guy4caligirl]

My exBPD's new relationship is almost over.

I did what I can to help without being bias , she knows well she is welcome , we have been getting along real well ,she really appreciate what I have done for her lately , listen ,support ,validate and encourage her without any pressure .

I know she is wanting to visit after taking care of things on her end, no romantic talks as of now , she said baby steps , I'm not very okay with that but I am okay with it for now   

How can I word it right by breaking in to her that I am leaving it up to her and want to just go on with my life for now  ,and don't want to get involve in her situation , confusion is a toxic thing ,I know well  ,as triangeling ... .

What should I say not to make feel that I'm not abandoning her and she is welcome when she makes her mind up  and reach out to me when ready ... .

I am on a solid ground now but this incertitude is starting to take effect on me , I don't want to blow it up .

Your advises are welcome and I am also  reading about the Karpman  drama triangles  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

Maybe the only thing you can do is make it clear to her that all you can be for her right now is a friend.  Make sure she understands this and don't string her along unless you know there is a chance that your friend status might change at some point.

[guy4caligirl]

Maybe the only thing you can do is make it clear to her that all you can be for her right now is a friend.  Make sure she understands this and don't string her along unless you know there is a chance that your friend status might change at some point.

Stein , I am not wanting a friendship here , I want a relationship , but I now it's not possible right now , eventually it will happen at least  I am hoping though ad see signs of it , in the contrary I do not want her to string me along... .

[Skip]

Guy,

You are best not to say anything more than you have. Words are pretty meaningless right now.

What is more important is for you to grasp the reality of what is happening so that you do not throw your heart and emotions under a passing bus. It feel likes you are doing that.

1. She is having a fight with her fiancee/ex-fiancee. She is asking you to bail her out with a place to stay and money. She has no place to go. You are her only option.

2. She is not leaving her boyfriend for you. You are not the central person in this.

3. She is desperate. And it's really risky for her to tell you she is not interested in a possible relationship with you - if she does you will not give her a place to stay and money and then she will have to yield to her boyfriend.

4. She and her boyfriend may work it out and she may stay with him. She may leave him and go back later.  She may seek another man when she's back in her feet. She may finds someone to finance her and let her just spend time healing. She may find renewed interest in you.

You are going to get really hurt if you don't understand what is happening right now and act responsively. Her situation is highly volatile and will be highly volatile for at least two months - she can't even predict at this point where she'll land or how likely they are to breakup or recycle in the next 8 weeks - she has to move, find a job, settle matters where she lives, get a place to live, etc.

Any attempt to get a commitment from her to build a relationship during this time is foolishness. You have to wait for the dust to settle.

Right now the thing you need to tell her is that you are helping her, no strings attached, and you should define what that includes and does not include so that this doesn't become a fight between the two of you.  For example, you can give her 30 days rent, a month a prescriptions, and some food and gas money, and that's it.

If you leave it open, and she thinks you are funding her for as long as she needs, and you are thinking 30 days, you two will be in a battle in a few weeks.

With respect to her confiding in you with the ex boyfriend, I would listen and be compassionate, but not offer advice, because you don't have a balanced perspective on this.  If she thinks you convinced her to leave the ex and then say she only has 30 days rent, she may say "you made me do this".

Make sense?

[guy4caligirl]

Skip you always make sense and wakes us up I will follow  your advice to the t !

Thank you for taking the time to reply I do appreciated !

Guy .

[guy4caligirl]

I would like to share this with all of you after being a member on this family site since October 2014, venting ,  learning seeking advise ,helping others and more.

I can easily declare that whatever you don't see and act responsibly , other members can ... .

Therefore , 95 % of the advises you were given by others are your best way to be guided correctly .

Sometimes as  human we want to proceed as we feel like proceeding , in  our cases and being in this not so normal break up with an ex BPD we are left broken and shut off with many questions .

Take the time to read ,share your thoughts ,  vent , ask , and act on with a clear and decisive vision ... .

Happy holidays !

Guy.   

[guy4caligirl]

Hey Folks ,

I am thinking to email her this today we had a long conversation yesterday, I know a lot more about her actual situation, she opened up and ask me for an advise. I said you have two choices

1- stay

2- leave

To make things clear like Skip suggested and warned me not to get under the bus again, I edited  his reply into my own.Here it is .

Dear so

I realized how important it is for me to grasp the reality of what's is happening so I don't throw my heart and emotions under a passing buss. I feel like I am doing this.

I hope and wish that you don't base your decision on the fact that I am your only option at this difficult time while having a fight with your fiancée and his dad's constant pressure to make you pay rent, leaving you no place to go to  but me .

I understand how risky it is for you to tell me that you're not interested  in a possible reconciliation with me ,fearing that if you do I won't help you out ,hence hesitant about you visiting me ,you might come and have some time healing and go back to him .

I do not really think you want to leave your fiancée for me I don't feel I am the central person in this .

My gut feeling tells me how desperate and anxious you are right now and I don't blame you.  Anyone would be ... .including me.

You might work it out and stay , your situation is highly volatile for the next few months or so ,you don't even know or predict where you will land .

You might have to break up and move out ,find a job , settle matters and get a place to live, get back on your feet and more likely go back with him .

The things I need to do right now with NSA , is defining what I would do to help you financially .

For a thirty days period I will provide , lodging, meds , food and personal needs ... I want to be clear so we both agree and prevent misunderstanding latter on .

Any attempt of a commitment from me to build  building a relationship at this time is foolishness When the dust settles we will see .At the mean time I would listen to you  compassionately , without offering an advise  , because I don't have a balanced perspective on this .

Sincerely yours .



Your comments are welcome !

[Skip]

I'm not sure I would send anything other than paragraph 8 and 9. They need an introduction and rewriting to be more about helping her and not having a conditions on that. I don't think I'd tell her your assessment of her options - that never goes well.