I feel guilty

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Today it's his birthday. He contacted me 3 days ago and said how sorry he is for all his has done to me and that he will never forgive himself. He also said if his finds the courage to work on his difficulties he will prove to me how much he loves me. I decided not to answer but today I feel so bad and guilty about it and the fact that it's his birthday and I haven't even sent him a wish. I feel like I am the "bad person" now who is doing what I used to find harsh and painful when ever he did it to me  :'(

[Penelope35]

Today it's his birthday. He contacted me 3 days ago and said how sorry he is for all his has done to me and that he will never forgive himself. He also said if his finds the courage to work on his difficulties he will prove to me how much he loves me. I decided not to answer but today I feel so bad and guilty about it and the fact that it's his birthday and I haven't even sent him a wish. I feel like I am the "bad person" now who is doing what I used to find harsh and painful when ever he did it to me  :'(

[C.Stein]

I sent a text and a picture of a flower to my ex on her birthday about 2-3 weeks after the final discard.  She seemed happy to get it.  My birthday was a month later ... .I got nothing from her.  I have to admit it hurt a lot and it was at the point I knew she was done with me.  I haven't really recovered from that day.

You do what you feel is necessary for your own emotional health.  If you think sending him a BD wish is going to string him along and you have no intention of entertaining that possibility then perhaps the best thing you can do for him is not send a BD wish.   Hmmm, I wonder if someone gave my ex that very same advice.   :'(

[Penelope35]

I know that if I send him anything it may start another cycle of drama for something that has no future. Plus I will put myself in the position to wait for his reply. But I am in that position everyday anyway... .My head is telling me that this I toxic, has no future and I should let go but I wish my heart would follow. I know he is struggling too and it's just hard for me to keep a distance and not be there for him

[C.Stein]

Are you feeling the rescuer pull?

[Penelope35]

Yes I do. I know he is struggling. He said so too in his last messages to me a few days ago and I have seen and felt how he feels after previous break ups. He never looks for replacements after the devaluation phases as most of the people with BPD traits do.  He just regrets what he has done and gets depressed until he feels confident again that he can do it. But only till the next break up... .I feel so so so bad today!

[C.Stein]

Yes I do. I know he is struggling. He said so too in his last messages to me a few days ago and I have seen and felt how he feels after previous break ups. He never looks for replacements after the devaluation phases as most of the people with BPD traits do.  He just regrets what he has done and gets depressed until he feels confident again that he can do it. But only till the next break up... .I feel so so so bad today!

Remind yourself that his emotional well being is not your responsibility, it never was.  He's the only one who can pull himself out of the hole he is in.  You might feel like you are giving him a helping hand but this is a journey he must make on his own.

[Penelope35]

I know... .I know that if I really want to give him a chance to work on himself I need to let him go. I don't want to do it and secretly hope or wait that he comes back though... .I need to realise that our relationships needs to be over forever. It's hard!

Thanks for listening and replying C.Stein. Are you feeling any better?

[zeus123]

Penelope 35  if our BPDexs contact us after a breakup it is not about the relationship or about us, it is only for validation and manipulation no matter what they say to the contrary. you are feeling guilty because maybe you've managed to terminate this relationship, and broken away but you've doubts about this decision, because you only remember the good times, regardless, it could be tempting to return when the pain has eased up a bit, you've had time to regroup, and you're thinking of trying again. Do everything humanly possible to fight that urge! don't answer his message back, do absolutely nothing. no reply sends the loudest message  that you have moved on, and he doesn't matter to you(even if he still does). he is trying to charm you back in to use you again for self-validation, favors,etc., no matter how much time has elapsed. stay strong, and be the exception among all his past lovers, who have kept that door open hoping to get back in his box. stay with NO CONTACT! you'll stand out as the one girl in his whole world who's had enough self-respect to have said, 'NO THANKS' to him!

[Penelope35]

Thanks Zeus. Your words give me courage. This is so much harder than i thought... .  Am i denial when i think that he honestly loves me but just cannot be in a healthy relationship? The truth is i never doubted his feelings cause i could see that he struggled to make the relationship work but it's almost like the unconscious side of him fought to destroy it.

[zeus123]

penelope 35 you think he honestly loves you and he is struggling to make the relationship works? he actually brainwashed you and conditioned you to say these words... the borderline is notorious for making you feel guilty and ashamed he will clobber you with pitiful diatribes about how much they "love" you, and if you could just return their love, you'd have a blissfully happy relationship. no matter how loving to a borderline , they can not accept or retain it, so quit trying. and if he is not getting what he want from you, why he is bothering to stick around? he needs to punish someone for his emptiness and self-loathing. healthy people don't stay in relationships that are painful and toxic. one of you must find the courage to break away, and end this destructive cycle. borderlines BANDY about the word love and you'll want to believe him when he say it. but most BPD are pathological liars, they can easily hide sexual and emotional affairs from their partners and if you think it won't happen to you,  THINK AGAIN! the feelings you've had for him aren't actually "love", they're infatuation, addiction and obsession. love is an ever expanding sense of trust in another, along with admiration and respect for their character, attributes and qualities... real love is neither painful nor obsessional...