Holiday Blues ~

[isilme]

I keep finding myself on here this holiday season.  For some reason this year seems hard to not wake up wanting to cry.  I am NC with my own family, and FI's family has several PD-type issues that loom at the holidays.  And this year is the first Christmas since his wonderful grandmother passed away in August from her last stroke at 95.  She was the first person to actually treat me like a grandchild.  I miss her.  I want to take her flowers to the cemetery, but do't know if that will make FI sad.  Or anyone in the family,  Or make FI's sister feel upset because she believed the grandmother was hers and hers alone.  My mother located me on social media, and I had a panic attack over it.  Her birthday is the 26th.  We have not spoken in about 6 years.  My dad is so scary, I have not spoken voluntarily to him since I was 19, when he kicked me out.  FI's parents are not healthy, do not help their own health by being responsible about diet, any exercise, and the mom thinks 1 million pills are the answer to all their problems.  She started sleeping in the living room on a love seat years ago, nominally to listen for the grandmother's wanderings at night as her dementia got worse, but also because she really just likes being in front of the TV.  And she does not move.  And she's a hoarder and has piles of things surrounding her at arms' reach to prevent having to get up.  It's hard to get her up for pretty much for anything other than a DRs appointment.  The dad is on oxygen, and so the one things he enjoyed doing, BBQ, he can't anymore.  We tired different things to get him out of the living room, but his COPD is so bad, he'd just get sick when we tried.  FI's little brother, 30-something, can't handle his parents' decline and so avoids them.  The sister is scornful of them, considers them white-trash, and avoids them and keeps them from seeing her kids, the only grandchildren they have.   

Somehow we became the couple that goes to see them regularly.  We try to go spend 2 nights with them about every one-two months, but staying in the house is hard as the hoarding means we get yelled at for tossing anything without sanction, and a new litterbox pops up each time we come back.  We have 3 cats - one litter box kept clean is fine.  You don't need multiple in each room.  Literally 3 or more in each room that will fit them.  I had a small victory, and got the mom to stop kenneling one elderly cat to keep a still feral kitten from attacking her, by suggesting she be integrated wtih 2 other elderly cats, and let the feral one have full reign of "his" room. 

So we cannot stay long ourselves, either without getting a sinus infection (i'm allergic to other people's animals - I think I have grown accustomed to our cats' dander?) or FI getting just so angry/sad at not being able to get them to improve their living situation so they'd be happier and healthier.  If it was cleaner - the sister "might" being her kids over more.  If it was less depressing, the brother might visit more.  Sorry.  Just been so upset this season, and that's not me. 

I've been having flashbacks of some sort to really, really bad Christmases as a child.  Mom OD'ed one year and we got evicted a week later.  Arguments were common that time of year.  I learned about Santa because my parents got mad at me at age 7, and pulled out my gifts from Santa from a closet and said they were all being returned because I was a horrible child.  I don't even remember what I did.  I was just in trouble all year that year, got grounded from trick or treating (later I realized mom never made my costume - I found the fabric, uncut, unsewn.  Now, I am thinking that was a factor.).  I am feeling kinda worthless from not having my own family.  I am scared about the first Christmas without the grandmother, that FI's dad will not be with us much longer, lots of things.  I am just very sad.  I have been trying to "fake it till I make it" as far as putting up the tree, some of our lights, decorating our house, and baking for work.  And it's helped in bursts.  But then I just want to cry.  Sob.  I have been praying for help regulating my emotions, for the strength I think I used to have, but it feels like the reservoir is dry and needs time to refill.  Sorry, typing helps me reign things in.  After my dad photocopied and shared my journal at 19, I no longer keep one, and feel safer places like this.  Writing seems to help, and I don't want to be crying at work.

[SoSoSoTired]

Click on the bpdfamily Survivors' Guide and read those over and over.  You had pain in your childhood, but you can stop reliving the pain when you learn new "thinking" skills.

If visiting your inlaws in miserable, then change things.  Buy them a cheap phone and teach them how to FaceTime  Only visit every 3 months, but FaceTime weekly.  Do something different this year and decrease your pain.

[Kwamina]

Hi isilme

You are dealing with some difficult intense emotions right now. I am sorry you are feeling this way but are glad you decided to reach out for support here.

I've been having flashbacks of some sort to really, really bad Christmases as a child.  Mom OD'ed one year and we got evicted a week later.  Arguments were common that time of year.  I learned about Santa because my parents got mad at me at age 7, and pulled out my gifts from Santa from a closet and said they were all being returned because I was a horrible child.  I don't even remember what I did.  I was just in trouble all year that year, got grounded from trick or treating (later I realized mom never made my costume - I found the fabric, uncut, unsewn.  Now, I am thinking that was a factor.).  I am feeling kinda worthless from not having my own family.  I am scared about the first Christmas without the grandmother, that FI's dad will not be with us much longer, lots of things.  I am just very sad.  I have been trying to "fake it till I make it" as far as putting up the tree, some of our lights, decorating our house, and baking for work.  And it's helped in bursts.  But then I just want to cry.  Sob.  I have been praying for help regulating my emotions, for the strength I think I used to have, but it feels like the reservoir is dry and needs time to refill.  Sorry, typing helps me reign things in.  After my dad photocopied and shared my journal at 19, I no longer keep one, and feel safer places like this.  Writing seems to help, and I don't want to be crying at work.

You've been through a lot and it could very well be you got traumatized by some of your experiences. I suggest you take a look at our thread about dealing with trauma:

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

One of the things we talk about in that thread is (emotional) flashbacks and ways to manage them. Pete Walker has developed 13 steps for managing (emotional) flashbacks including this one:

"Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out.

a. Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain)

b. Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger).

c. Slow down: rushing presses the psyche's panic button.

d. Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap.

e. Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it."

[isilme]

Thank you both.

Compounding this all seems to be a hard to beat head cold - when I have a fever these days, I become a cranky toddler.

I will look into the sections you both mentioned.  I have had near perfect, but disassociated recall almost all of my life.  I can remember events and rattle off what happened when fairly accurately, but for the longest time, it was totally devoid of any personal feelings.  It was like watching a movie of things that happened to someone else.  But in about 2010, I think, maybe sooner, whenever I found this site, a LOT of the emotion started coming back.  And it was not all from big stuff, like being evicted at Christmas and moving several states away.  Some of it was simple stuff, like mom forgetting picture day, or now that my friends are parents, realizing just how inappropriate tasks were that I was expected to do.  I don't know any other 5 years olds given an alarm clock to wake themselves up for kindergarten, who perfect getting up on their own by age 7.  So I realized and had to admit I felt some rage at being so neglected, so uncared for.

These feelings with memories seem to come in waves.  And I AM very sad about losing the grandmother.  

FI's parents - we've tried the long-distance approach.  They are simply not tech savvy at all.  Got the mom an iPad last Christmas (had an unexpected reimbursement from work - didn't let siblings know we bought it so they'd not feel we were competing) so she COULD FaceTime us, and more important, the sister's kids. Unless I am in the room, she just can't figure it out   She and a friend thought a document attached to an email was stuck on the laptop it was first read on - did not know you can pull it from the email on anything with an internet browser - they just don't get it or care to do so.  They had me working on the laptop (I used to do IT at work) to get it connected tot their WiFi (driver issues), and when I realized what they needed, showed them it could have been accessed on their tablets.  

There is no way that this year at least, we will not go down to visit.  Next year, we may re-evaluate.  

I will work on the Flashback steps - thank you.

I hope you have happy holidays.

[Kwamina]

Thanks and I wish you happy holidays too

I've found those steps for managing (emotional) flashbacks invaluable and I hope they'll help you too.

The fact that you were able to recall things apparently devoid of any personal feelings, could have been a coping mechanism you developed as a child. Perhaps the emotions would have been too intense for you to handle at the time or the environment you were in was too hostile to let yourself be vulnerable and safely process these things. Now you're in a different stage of your life and in a different environment. You are NC with your own family and that separation has perhaps now for the first time allowed you to start safely processing all of the things you've been through.

Take care

[maddnessreturns]

I hope you are taking care of yourself and using the resources others have recommended. I get nightmares from my childhood. I don't know if it would help or if it applies but for me when I wake up I get out of my bed and have come up with my mantra of I am safe. I have choices. And repeat. Until I can finally calm down enough to go to bed. Hugs.

[isilme]

I actually had an interesting evening with some 'girlfriends' Friday.  We were having a ladies' night in, and a friend whose mother is an alcoholic and addicted to cosmetic surgery was asked to relay her mom's latest exploits, and somehow part of the night was spent talking crazy relatives.  I was not the only one, (in fact, it felt like the 3 of us on the couch, me, the one with the face-lifted mom, and one with an NPD mom were the ones with the closest understanding of crazy). 

None of us feel anymore we should be beholden to hide the crazy from our FOOs.  I feel people need to know things like my childhood and those of my friends' exist.  The girl with the cosmetic surgery mom has actually helped back up my desire to stay NC with my own mom, even when FOG makes me question it. 

FI's family - all I can do is try to support him and get us past the 25th.  I hate that he sits on tinder-hooks each holiday, wondering when/if his sister is going to offend anyone, or BE offended so she can stop coming.  She very much acts as though none of us are good enough for her and her kids, and it shows.  If everyone had my cavalier attitude about "be with people who are kind to you, and stop chasing those that aren't", I think they'd all be happier, and could deal with the fact that if the sister doesn't come, there's less stress.  But they suffer from their own PD-type issues, and own fleas, I am encouraging him to commit us only to 2 nights, using our pets as a good reason to come back.  He's also fighting SAD issues, and still has a lot of scarring from his previous job - his boss was like my mom.