No Contact during divorce?

[knowledgeseeker]

Anyone else successfully maintained NO CONTACT during a high conflict divorce from a nBPD spouse? If so how was your choice to go no contact received by he or she?

Lastly how long did your divorce take to settle and become final? Mediation or trial?

[livednlearned]

Hi knowledgeseeker,

Can you remind us how old your kids are? It's hard to drop contact completely when there are custody arrangements and kids in the picture.

I desperately wanted to have no contact after my ex and I separated. I could not stop abusive messages and calls and voicemails and the many others forms of contact, though looking back, it taught me to develop stronger boundaries. He could send anything he wanted, and I could choose to look at what he sent or not. I learned to only check his messages when I was ready. If I was particularly triggered or anxious, sometimes I had friends tell me.

It gets expensive to have lawyers handling all of your communication.

Toward the end of our divorce process, I had learned to always use his name when sending him a message, and to write everything in BIFF statements (brief, informative, friendly, firm). I also learned to write emails in which no response was treated as a response, and to problem solve whatever it was on my own, giving him one of several options, which each one working for me in some way.

What's going on that you want to go complete NC with him?

[Godslove]

I have been separated almost twenty months. I filed for a divorce last May. Since then we had two meditations and one settlement by a retired judge (actually today-I didn't even get to see the judge). I was really hoping to settle. We will go to trial this February.

With my desperation wanting no contact, I had my lawyer mail a letter to communicate with me only in writing about children. My children are in elementary school. Other than that, it is stating to go through my lawyer. He never contacted my lawyer. He still contacts me by many texts or some email. I am learning to choose what to respond and what to ignore like Livednlearned, I use email than texts.

[ForeverDad]

My ex refused contact during the divorce.  I beleive she blocked my email address the day the police came for her and I'm fairly sure it's still blocked over 10 years later.   The temp order was very favorable for her and she was trying to obstruct my parenting.  What really helped were my recording of her rants, rages, reality twisting and blaming in son's hearing.  Eventually court phrased it as 'disparagement of father to the child'.  But it took some 8 years to get that spelled out in an order.  However as time went on I got more and more parenting in court so she has little choice but to text me now.  If she's really on a roll I may get 10-15 texts in just several minutes, how she will take me back to court is a favorite one.

A recent development is that she'll tell her schedule to son, now a teenager, and so she often makes him the go-between.  Probably not good for the contested issues of course.

I agree with the comments above, communicate only about parenting issues such as exchange details, child is ill, child's pending classwork or homework, doctor/dentist appointments and similar topics.  Everything legal is in writing or through the lawyers.

[bravhart1]

Not sure why, but even when DH and BPDm mom both had attorneys and we would have our attorney send their side "official" do not contact client directly, run all contact through attorney letters, she still ignored them and sent numerous emails, texts, calls etc. like she couldn't help herself and she didn't want to cost herself either.

She has no impulse control. If she feels like telling us off for any reason she cooks up in her head, even while SD has been in our care for a week, she will send it.

Not sure why she got away with breaking a long standing rule with clients with attorneys that if you formally request no contact, that every correspondence go through said attorney, you must obey that. She never did, nothing happened because of it. Like most things she just chose to ignore, like court orders, normal socially accepted behavior, etc, and NO one ever called her out on it.

[knowledgeseeker]

Hi knowledgeseeker,

Can you remind us how old your kids are? It's hard to drop contact completely when there are custody arrangements and kids in the picture.

What's going on that you want to go complete NC with him?

@livednlearned My situation isn't the norm. My SD lives with me and is 19 and I have a 17 year old son from my previous marriage. SD is in college and resides with me during breaks for example she is home for a month with me now. My stbx left the child raising of both his daughters to me. My other SD moved after graduation from college and lives on her own now. Complicated story as to why they both ended up living with us... .but lets just say the story I was led to believe all these years has unraveled to be anything but what was represented. As a result while there mom has some issues, she was in my opinion given a bum rap. My stbx has an established pattern of not wanting to deal with parenting but wants to present the image of being a good parent while being absent 95% of the time. The 5% is what he deems as "doing whats expect" or "doing the right thing" and thats only when one of them gets angry at him for missing a milestone or having no interaction then he will try to make it up to them only to fall back into the same pattern. Conflict is the only thing that motivates him to do anything in his life. He is great at not dealing with anything other than what he wants to do. He has no relationship with my son as he's never tried and my son has a very close relationship with his father. My SD is old enough to make her own decisions and I made sure my attorney wrote into the declaration that its my SD decision as to what she wants to do moving forward and I would stand behind any decision she makes. I continue to encourage her to talk to her father and have a relationship with him. She's angry, but trying. She started therapy last week which is great. I've encouraged her to re-establish a relationship with her mom as well as healing is needed there. Her father has already started a distortion campaign with both girls. He told the oldest not to tell her mom or grandparents we are divorcing. And he's starting making vague statements to my SD that lives with me planting doubt and confusion. I'm not participating in that. I knew he would start this as he did the same thing with the girls mom during there divorce but on an epic scale. I don't talk to them about their dad other than to say the lawyers are there for a reason and I'm not going to engage in the drama. If they have a direct question I will answer it but at this point sadly they are just pawns in his game of chess. The oldest was shocked to hear from him twice in two weeks when she hadn't heard from him in a year and half and then realized once he said we were divorcing why the sudden interest.

I want no contact because theres nothing more to talk about. When I have spoken with him its all crap coming out of his mouth, projecting, distortion, guilting me, trying to control me with words that are suppose to evoke fear and just out right manipulation and no logic behind anything he says. He cut all financial support off to me (I quit a successful career (I made more than he did) to take care of his kids (and my son, who has a learning disability and struggles) and support him in his career advancement that required several moves, gave up my house blah blah, I was stupid, I got sucked in by him and allowed myself to be controlled. My therapist and I are working on ensuring I don't go down this path again) and made no attempt to reach out and warn me or tell me he was going to do it. I think he wanted me to call him and cry and beg, I filed for divorce instead. Then all of a sudden I get nice voice messages followed by frantic text messages. I responded to none of them. I have had enough between the years or raging, controlling and manipulation, silent treatments and dysregulation I just want to move forward, be done and be at peace.

I've already taken the steps I needed and began worker retraining. He will have to pay spousal support which I'm sure he will flip out over and is claiming he doesn't make enough money now as the reason he stopped depositing money into our joint account. He works in another state btw and our home etc is in another state. Its worked for over three years but suddenly status quo now doesn't. He's already violated the mutual financial restraining order a judge signed along with evading service for a week including getting others to help him evade even having someone say he moved and didn't live in his apartment anymore. If he and his lawyer don't respond to the prosed status quo plan by next week we have a hearing the following week and the judge will decide. It seems based on emails from his lawyer that his lawyer is already annoyed with him, which doesn't surprise me, he thinks he's a lawyer himself and knows all. My lawyer said based on his behavior plan to go to court. I'm told judges like status quo and I have documentation to back everything up, so I'm hoping the judge will be fair. Its not right to cut off financial support to your family especially when kids are involved. The fact that I continue to love his children like my own and be there for them and he could care less about them or my son is disgusting to me. I'm thankful that I have such a supportive family that has stepped in to help. My step daughter has an injury that is requiring her to go to PT twice a week and I'm paying $30 copay's each visit and no money for her dad... .he doesn't even know whats going on in her life. All he cares about is the financial consequences to him in a divorce and creating a story for others as to why we didn't work because thats easier than dealing with himself. <end rant>

[livednlearned]

It sounds like you are having a moment that I referred to in my own process as growing a titanium backbone. 

I received advice to stop engaging and go no contact, and that my ex would eventually stop. He really didn't -- although who knows. Maybe he slowed down and I didn't notice because slowing down wasn't as still and peaceful as radio silence.

The skills you are using with your daughters, to avoid getting tangled up in drama, sounds like sidestepping the Karpmann' drama triangle. Learning about the drama triangle was a game changer for me, truly life changing.

To go truly no contact, your kids will have to deal with their dad directly. At the beginning of my attempt to go no contact, all I had was a boundary and not much else. I can see my son has internalized exactly what I did, maybe to a fault. He is very guarded with others, and even me to some extent. Although he's a teen boy, so some of his issues are probably impacted by that. I managed to get in touch with my empathy, and am seeing early signs that my son is heading that way too, although in baby steps. How we handle these crises matters more than what we tell our kids or what we say about our exes. I think most kids want desperately to see some healthy relationship dynamics modeled, and after what we go through in these marriages and divorces, that can take time, patience, and a lot of therapy. 

As for going no contact in a logistical way, obviously telling your ex to not contact you is going to go over like a lead balloon. So it's up to you to decide how to manage his attempts to reach you. For a while, I had a friend read emails and tell me what I needed to respond to. She also checked FB and only told me things that might help my custody battle. I learned from her when N/BPDx got a new job, when he moved, when he started dating someone.

Eventually, after dozens of court appearances, my lawyer noticed I was unphased. We laughed in the hallway before court and I stopped taking the stairs (afraid to see him in the elevator). I just got over it.

And you will too 

[knowledgeseeker]

The skills you are using with your daughters, to avoid getting tangled up in drama, sounds like sidestepping the Karpmann' drama triangle. Learning about the drama triangle was a game changer for me, truly life changing.

Good point... .I'm not really sure how to handle this. She has always felt responsible for her father. During his divorce from her mother he spent a great deal of time manipulating her into thinking her mom was a horrible person. Sadly when going thru files these past three months I found a tape recorder... .he had recorded conversations with his daughter where he was manipulating her and getting her to say things about there mom. She was in first grade at the time. They were disgusting to me and I felt horrible when I heard them and could only think about what this poor child has been led to think all these years and how its impacted her relationship with her own mother. I could never figure that whole relationship out and based on things he told me my gut all these years kept saying something doesn't add up. I have no idea what his intention was with the tapes but at the end of the day she feels responsible for her dad. She made the comment to me that she went off to school and her dad fell apart. I hope thru therapy she will come to understand she is not responsible for him. I feel like at this point I can be honest with her about the process but I really don't want to engage in any other conversations about him as I don't want things to be said back to him since things are clearly contentious right now with lawyers and pending court.

All I can do is encourage her to continue a relationship with him and not say anything disparaging about him. She knows he needs help but chooses not to get it. She's a very smart girl and she doesn't put up with much from him but at the same time she wants to be daddy's girl as she has her own need for him to be proud of her because the only time he pays any attention to her is if she's done something that is praise worthy. Sadly she's looking for the same admiration/attention from him that he sought from his own father.

I'm sure he will show up to court. His ex-wife said he argued with the judge at their hearing and almost got thrown out because he knew better than the judge. So he will undoubted show up to make sure he can micromanage his lawyer. All though I hope he doesn't show, I don't want to see him. But I will deal with it... .the stairs is a good idea though . I can deal with it. I just have to remember that where he is drama is and to not engage in it and to just breathe.

[Matt]

I think e-mail is best because it leaves a record and you can stop and think before clicking "Send".

You can compose the e-mail, then sleep on it and check it again before sending it.

You can print the e-mails out to show your lawyer exactly what was said by whom.

Around here it's often said to keep it to 3 sentences or less;  make sure it's 100% about the kids;  make sure it's factual - information or questions - not emotional or vague in any way;  and make sure you are very clear about what you are saying.

Don't engage in arguments by e-mail (or any other way).  Don't ask vague questions or talk about the past.  Make sure you know exactly what your purpose is in sending the e-mail.

When I started doing that, I was able to communicate with my ex productively, and she quickly saw that I wouldn't respond to anything inappropriate, so she started being more practical too.

And... .if saves money by handling some issues without involving your attorney.

[mm1024]

My situation is a little different as we are a second marriage any only have kids from our first marriages. i made the conscience decision to use NC for myself and my children from my BPD/NPDh about 4 months ago and it was the best decision for  our healing. He will email me or text and I just forward to my attorney.  I agree with those here who recommend email only for communication with your spouse during the divorce. The high conflict of these people and divorces is over whelming and you have to have strength to get through it all. NC will help you gain your strength. I am looking at a trial with my BPDh and I am feeling stronger than ever I will get through it. After it is over, I will block him from all accounts etc.

[knowledgeseeker]

Almost two months no contact! But the bombs are still dropping... .My lawyer sent me a print out he is calling his bank statement... .and it 100% confirmed what my gut had been telling me but that I kept ignoring... .yep he's been having an affair. And racked up over 25K on his affair taking her on weekend trips, expensive dinners, a cruise... .even sexual crap was on there. As if that wasn't bad enough he's making up all kinds of lies and saying our marriage ended 3 years ago? Myself and our entire family were shocked by that one. And the tales and crap he made up in his declaration were crazy. I can't even believe this man. My lawyer said he is actually a sociopath.

Our court date was this past week. The court granted me what we asked for not what he wanted. We had our documentation and disputed it all with fact. He didn't even show up, just his lawyer did. Getting him to pay will be another story. Because of all the lies we have sent him interrogatories. He claims he is homeless and living with friends (he has no friends). I'm pretty sure he moved in with whomever he met online or craigslist as a public storage charge was on his statement. My kids are older but the oldest is home on break. She is so angry at him she doesn't think she can ever forgive him and I'm trying to encourage her to maintain a relationship understanding that he's mentally ill and needs help but the truth is I don't blame her. I can never forgive him for what he is putting our family through. I know he's ill but the lies, the deceit, the reckless spending (55K in 4 months that we know about so far), an affair... .beyond disappointing. He even took her to where we went for a weekend getaway for our anniversary year before last on OUR anniversary weekend... .and to top it off being told by my lawyer to get tested... .My lawyer asked him to box my stuff up and some things the kids left from our apartment in the state he is in and send it to me... .his lawyer responded with he had no where to store it so he donated it to the goodwill... .my lawyer couldn't resist and responded with does that mean my client can donate his things as well she no longer has anywhere to store it either... .Sometimes its hard to remember he has a disorder cause he's acting like a complete ass and putting his family through unnecessary drama. Just man up and get on with it. I'm so sick of the circus show. And I wonder if this person he's with even knows he's married?

I have one child who is barely wanting to even talk about it and another whom is questioning how she can even be related to this man. And all I can say is he's your father, he's ill and its not about you its about him. I can't wait for this to be over.

Anyone else have a successful nBPD partner that you had to send interrogatories to in order to unravel the lies?

[ForeverDad]

The court granted me what we asked for not what he wanted. We had our documentation and disputed it all with fact. He didn't even show up, just his lawyer did. Getting him to pay will be another story.

(1)  Court decisions generally are better, or at least seldom worse, than what a disordered spouse wants.  A settlement seldom works until later in the divorce process when the demands become a little less unfair.

(2)  This is where you have to get consequences built into the outcome next time in court.  Courts are often willing to make a decision, it's much harder to get them to enforce them.  That's why you need consequences built into a decision, that can reduce the endless "one more chance" that courts often declare when we report noncompliance.

She is so angry at him she doesn't think she can ever forgive him and I'm trying to encourage her to maintain a relationship understanding that he's mentally ill and needs help but the truth is I don't blame her. I can never forgive him for what he is putting our family through.

I have one child who is barely wanting to even talk about it and another whom is questioning how she can even be related to this man. And all I can say is he's your father, he's ill and its not about you its about him.

Try not to Invalidate the children.  If they have come to their own valid conclusions of reality, we shouldn't confuse or weaken those valid conclusions.  That can happen when we end up minimizing the poor behaviors.  (One confusing statement is "but he still loves you".  In such situations we shouldn't try to evaluate that other's love IMO.)  We may not think we're excusing the poor behaviors but that may be the received perception.

I know different people have different views on 'forgiveness' but I feel that if a person doesn't feel comfortable with forgiving then that shouldn't be pushed.  She has a right to hold to her own integrity, standards and morals.  However, it may be possible that she can do one lesser step that doesn't grant him any excuses... .'Let Go' and 'Move On'... .accepting that her parent is who he is.

... .and to top it off being told by my lawyer to get tested... .

Sadly, needing testing is a fact of life.  You know of one affair.  For all you know maybe that woman wasn't infected but who knows anything about his prior affairs?  All it takes is one risky encounter... .

[david]

I have SS's (her kids from her first marriage) and two sons from our marriage.

One SS is complete NC and has been since 2007. We get along great. He talked to me about two years ago about his mom. I mostly listened. He is a nurse so, when it was time for me to say something, I brought up the fact that I believed she had a mental health issue and that her actions will not make sense to any of us.

One is LC and is very limited contact with her. He has talked to me several times and I just listen. He never asked me what I thought. I never said anything disparaging about her. He got married last year and his mom was late to the rehearsal. The father in law was pissed that she was not on time and started talking to me. I simply said that they should have told her that the rehearsal was 4 hours earlier and she would have been on time. He thought that made no sense and several others chimed in saying I didn't know what I was talking about. I explained that I understand how she operates even though I can't explain it. I then offered to bet everyone that she would be at least three hours late. They declined. I was off by a few minutes and they were all amazed. She did other stupid things during the wedding. The bride actually ripped into her when they were getting dressed. I heard about it later. Needless to say she will not be invited to any of the brides family functions. I am always included.

Our two boys are 17 and 12. The 17 year old will probably be NC when he gets older. I don't know what direction the 12 year old will go but he doesn't have a good relationship with her either. We have 50/50 custody.

Validation is the key to having healthy relationships with all the kids. They are all learning their own methods of dealing with their mom.

[knowledgeseeker]

Try not to Invalidate the children.  If they have come to their own valid conclusions of reality, we shouldn't confuse or weaken those valid conclusions.  That can happen when we end up minimizing the poor behaviors.  (One confusing statement is "but he still loves you".  In such situations we shouldn't try to evaluate that other's love IMO.)  We may not think we're excusing the poor behaviors but that may be the received perception.

I know different people have different views on 'forgiveness' but I feel that if a person doesn't feel comfortable with forgiving then that shouldn't be pushed.  She has a right to hold to her own integrity, standards and morals.  However, it may be possible that she can do one lesser step that doesn't grant him any excuses... .'Let Go' and 'Move On'... .accepting that her parent is who he is.

I have to remember this and its difficult at times for me as I've been making excuses for him for years. Old habits die hard. You are 100% correct. I've encouraged her to talk to the therapist about whats right for her in dealing with him. I certainly don't want to invalidate her feelings but I also don't want to ever be accused of the cause of her not talking to her dad. He's texting her telling her trying to manipulate her. The good news is she's self aware to see it for what it is but torn because he's her dad and she knows that whatever she says to him he won't hear and it will do no good because he will make excuses, lie and take no responsibly for his actions. I have no answers for her other than do what you feel is right for you.

I can walk away from him and never talk to him again when this is all done (and I'm sure he will stay away from any events I go to for my daughter, especially if my family attends cause he doesn't want to face anyone). For her, he will be her father forever that doesn't go away.

[Matt]

We all have trouble with this issue... .biting our tongues so we don't say, "Remember your father really loves you."

The issue, as FD suggests, is "validating" your kids' perceptions and feelings - which doesn't mean reinforcing them or agreeing with them.

The child (or adult child) says, ":)ad is a jerk!", and you don't want to also call him a jerk.  But if you push back - ":)on't call your father a jerk." - then you're invalidating.  So you say, "It sounds like you had a bad talk with your dad today." or something like that - acknowledging what you heard but not agreeing with it or disagreeing.

It works pretty well for me, when I remember to do it;  it tends to help the kids talk with me, knowing I won't shut them down.  Kind of a tightrope to walk - not badmouthing their mom but hearing and accepting what the kids say about her actions and their feelings about her in the moment.  Only if they say something truly unfair - "She's never come to one of my concerts!" - then I might decide I can't let it stand - "Well she came to your Christmas concert last year... .but it sounds like you really wanted her there this year too."

My kids have learned they can talk about their mom, and I won't shut them down, but I also won't pile on, and add my frustrations with her to theirs.  And they can usually figure out how to deal with her, when they vent their feelings and then think more clearly.

[knowledgeseeker]

I really appreciate everyones feedback! It has helped me a great deal this week. I've been working on making sure I'm not invalidating her by saying she needs to have a relationship with her Dad etc. She's really opened up this week and I feel like we are all relaxing into our new life and new routine. My ex sent a 1 time settlement offer that I have 10 days to respond too and it was crap. He's saying if I don't take it he will go after me for court fees if it goes to trial. He's only making an offer because he doesn't want to do the interrogatories. He's saying its a great offer and better than I would get if it went to trial. Its a crappy offer and his lawyer says in his online profile that enjoys the game of poker and how it applies to law and court. So between the two of them I have a person that views law a poker game and a stbx that views life as a chess game and the people in it pawns. And that he's smarter than everyone so you should bow down to him. He doesn't want to be exposed anymore than he already has and the interrogatories will expose him along with all his lies under oat. And of course he's not complying with the court order fully either. He's doing what he wants to do when he feels like it. My lawyer told his that I will be asking her to file charges in the not so distant future. So annoying to deal with this crap. He finally paid one of the items he was suppose to after I go a lien notice for non-payment. I hope he doesn't screw up my credit, I need good create to be able to put a roof over my kids when this is final.

Anyoe have odds on whether or not we will settle in mediation or go to trail? I'd like to think that if he's at least trying with a settlement maybe there is hope. But he's claiming this is his best offer as he's not comfortable with doing anymore.The offer is crappy and my gut says the mediation is the way to go.

[livednlearned]

Anyoe have odds on whether or not we will settle in mediation or go to trail? I'd like to think that if he's at least trying with a settlement maybe there is hope. But he's claiming this is his best offer as he's not comfortable with doing anymore.The offer is crappy and my gut says the mediation is the way to go.

A basic negotiating strategy is to make a one-sided offer, knowing that the other party will refuse it. The initial offer sets the bar, so to speak. Then you negotiate somewhere into the middle. If you reject the order outright and prefer to go to mediation, it's likely that more of the same will happen, except it will take place in real-time. The immediacy really shook my nerves, though I was in a room with my lawyer and the mediator went back and forth, so I wasn't looking directly at N/BPDx.

In my state, you can file a temporary order even if there are items you cannot agree to. So for example, we were able to agree on 90% of everything, so the order had a paragraph that said, "The parties do not agree on joint legal custody; therefore, this matter may be brought before the court." Or something like that. Then we went on our way until that issue came up and it made sense to go back to court to settle it.

If you can get very clear in your mind what is acceptable and reasonable to you, and can work through every possible offer he might make in mediation, and how you will respond, mediation may work. Most members here seem to come to an agreement at the final hour, or on the steps of the court house, so to speak.

Chances are, he and his lawyer are doing the math to figure out whether you have the money to go to court, and they'll bank on the fact that you will cave before going to trial. As long as you know that's what they are doing, the process will hopefully be less stressful (although not completely free of stress).

Focus on what you think is reasonable, and wait until they come around. The key is to make sure you know what is reasonable -- sometimes we feel entitled to more than what is realistic. Your lawyer can help with this. No one comes out of a divorce feeling like justice was served. I see it as who loses less. 

[ForeverDad]

My settlement truisms, generally spot on but there are always exceptions.

• Early settlement offers are almost always too one-sided.



• Mediation usually fails too, the disordered stbEx is still too entitled.



• You might get a (less unfair) settlement just before a big hearing or the trial but that's closer to the end of the case.



• Why later?  The stbEx may feel the pressure and doesn't want to be exposed or lose before a judge.



• So relax, let the case take it's course.  Odds are that futures offers will keep getting less unfair.

[david]

The legal system takes a long time to go through. It can be very frustrating going through the process. My xBPDw filed for divorce in early 2007 and it took until late 2010 to finalize. She used many tactics to delay what she had started ?

[knowledgeseeker]

I'm fortune that I have a family that is beyond supportive and an incredible father that is paying for my lawyer. My family is firm about me not getting screwed. I want what the law says I'm entitled to, which is a straight forward 50/50. I'm not looking to it stick to anyone or revenge or any of that type of thing, I just want whats fair and I put 150% into our marriage and into trying to make this work. I'm working as hard as I can to get thru a worker retraining program so I can get back into the space I was in before at the same level I was at before. The industry I was in has changed a lot in the almost 7 years I've been gone and the technology has changed as well.  I don't want to be tied to this man any longer than I have to and after quitting my successful job to support his career advancement and raising his two kids and my own while his career took off and his salary and retirement quadrupled, completing this job retaining program is vital for my long term goals.

He doesn't want to be exposed and he doesn't want to do the work required by the interrogatories. During one of his delusional projections he told me if lawyers are involved it would mean full disclosure. I couldn't figure out at the time what the heck he meant by that because I have nothing to hide. I realize now he was talking about himself. I can't accept his offer, its crap and I won't have a clear picture of our financial situation until he gets us the statements etc we are asking for through discovery.  

My dad doesn't want to him to get away with anything and wants him to be accountable via the interrogatories and has already told my lawyer he's willing to pay the expense of a trial. He has done a lot of damage to both sides our families and I'm trying to keep that emotion out of this but its hard at times because I want him to be accountable, do the right thing through this, be fair and at the end of the day apologize for the cheating, the lies and the damage he's created emotionally for all us especially the kids. But I realize hell will freeze over before that happens. So I will not be taking his "one time, only good for 10 days" offer. That's my boundary and I refuse to get screwed over anymore by this man. My view on what I want is realistic as I don't want anymore than what the court and the law says I'm entitled to. He knows my father has the money as well to go to court.

@ForeverDad, how long till you settled your case and did it happen last minute?

[ForeverDad]

From divorce filing to final decree, it was 23.5 months.  Since the temp order (custody and child support) was entirely in her favor she tried every way to delay the divorce process yet refused to reconcile.  When trial approached her lawyer told her she was likely to lose, as I found out much later.  On Trial Day I arrived at the court house minutes before the trial and was greeted with the news she wanted to settle.

It was our child that drove much of her behaviors.  As the Custody Evaluator wrote, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can."  Your situation could have other drivers, of course.