Is there any hope or should I just move on?

[Lovingme35]

We broke up November 1st. He found a replacement by Thanksgiving. He spent it with her. He has not tried to contact me at all in the past two weeks after I found out he had taken her to a football game. She just posted a picture of her having a cup of hot chocolate on MY rug that I let him borrow. Saying best way to wake up. She lives 3 hours away so it's obvious she spent the night. I am so mad that I want to ask him for all my things back and be done. What I really want is for him to come back to me but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. Any advice?


My last post

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287044.0

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[unicorn2014]

I would move on if I could, it seems like he's just going to keep on hurting you. Have you spent any time on the leaving board? I find it helps to read it even if I'm not leaving yet.

[Lovingme35]

So ask him for my stuff back and try not to bash him in the head when I get it? I hurts more that it's my freakin rug she's on more than anything

[Lovingme35]

Again I'm not wanting to end it, but it seems like he's completely forgotten about me. Two months ago we were in Hawaii. Now this. I'm livid

[Joem678]

Hi there, Has he done this before? What is your history with him?

[Lovingme35]

We have broken up many times before. For two weeks, then gotten back together. This is the first time he's gotten a replacement

[Joem678]

What are you thoughts about his behavior?  Think with you mind not your heart.  A couple of months ago you were in Hawaii with him which I am sure was a very nice experience.  Now, he is with someone else.  How long have you been with him?

[Lovingme35]

We were together two years. His behavior is unacceptable, anyone else would have walked away by now. He is hurt because I had too much to drink one night when we were in Hawaii and I told him I was going to do whatever it took to destroy the relationship. I didn't mean it. Then I ignored him for a week when we got back. At first I thought his behavior was punishment for what I said. It probably was, but then he actually found someone that would accept his radical behavior. Even better because she lives long distance and does not get to see the full degree by spending time with him every day. She also had no idea that he has BPD.

[Lovingme35]

I am thinking about waiting until tomorrow (when she's gone) and asking him for my things back. It would give him a chance to talk, or it could backfire and we would be done for good. I am not sure what the right answer is anymore.


BTW I have a ton of his stuff. His medical books for school, furniture, rugs, clothes... .and last time I saw him two weeks ago, he gave me a souvenir blanket.

[Joem678]

Punishment?  Yes/No.  It depends on the dynamics of the relationship.  It is definitely a reaction.  What made you tell him you were going to destroy the relationship?

[Lovingme35]

I got mad because he was acting like a spoiled brat. It was my favorite place in the world and he was deliberately trying to not have fun and make everything drama. This went on for 4 days until I snapped. Then to punish him, I didn't respond to him for a week when we got back.

[Lovingme35]

My boundary is our travel website we have. He schedules a trip with her and I'm out. He has a lot of points too so he could take a trip for almost nothing. That was always his way of luring me back into the relationship when we had breakups in the past. We took a lot of trips together. He had never taken trips with anyone else before he met me.

[Skip]

I am thinking about waiting until tomorrow (when she's gone) and asking him for my things back. It would give him a chance to talk, or it could backfire and we would be done for good. I am not sure what the right answer is anymore.

Taking your stuff back deepens the divide. If you want him back, that is the very last thing to do.

This other relationship is new and may pass over, or even fall when you two reconnect.

Saying your going to destroy the relationship and the going cold for a week is a strong message you not wanting to resolve things.  Since this has already been played, I would stay away from anything that reinforces what happened.

It's Christmas. Maybe send him a small gift with a really upbeat note. You can work with the members hear on that and then sit it out for a few weeks and see where he goes with it.

[Joem678]

I know it hurts.  And no one deserves to go through this.  No one.  I've allowed myself many times to go through this and it nearly killed me.  So, you asked, Is there any hope or should I just move on?  

The answers are YES/YES!

There is hope, because my assumption is that he reacted to your justifiable behavior.  And you are right, she doesn't know what is ahead of her.  But when she does, what do you think is going to happen?

I say move on, not in letting go but get yourself right.  Heal and become more aware of BPD(<--- this is up to you).  Because, chances are, he will be back.  

When they have a disorder like this, the circumstances change.  We need to ask ourselves, do we want to put so much work into this relationship?  :)o we want to go through hurt again?  Are we able to distinguish between the disorder and the person?  

It is really, entirely up to you.  

[Lovingme35]

I am thinking about waiting until tomorrow (when she's gone) and asking him for my things back. It would give him a chance to talk, or it could backfire and we would be done for good. I am not sure what the right answer is anymore.

Taking your stuff back deepens the divide. If you want him back, that is the very last thing to do.

This other relationship is new and may pass over, or even fall when you two reconnect.

Saying your going to destroy the relationship and the going cold for a week is a strong message you not wanting to resolve things.  Since this has already been played, I would stay away from anything that reinforces what happened.

It's Christmas. Maybe send him a small gift with a really upbeat note. You can work with the members hear on that and then sit it out for a few weeks and see where he goes with it.

He never responded after the last text he sent. It hurts so much. I just want to talk to him.

I just moved in the same neighborhood that he lives in and he doesn't even know about it. He knew I was moving but didn't even try to help or find out where.

He would love my new house. I want to show him so badly, but I don't know how to reach out. I will try Skips suggestion

[unicorn2014]

So ask him for my stuff back and try not to bash him in the head when I get it? I hurts more that it's my freakin rug she's on more than anything

Yes I would ask him for your stuff back. Have you done any therapy or DBT yourself? I think saying you were going to destroy the relationship was a mistake and you can tell him that.

[Rapt Reader]

This is the saving board - this is where we coach on how to best position relationships for possible reconciliation or friendship.

There undecided board  is for "do I stay or do I go".

Please post to the board objectives, not a particular thread title.