Help with BPD break up

[Greenhouse87]

Hi!

This is my first post on here, but I'd just like to let you know where I'm at.

I was with my BPD partner for just over a year, where we had struggles with BPD rage and him lying - for the first 6 months he lied about his sexual history and once he had to be honest he admitted it was to make me feel bad and that I wouldn't have wanted to be with him in the first place if I knew about his (even though I'd been completely honest and he knew mine was worse!).

Been split up for a month as he had to come clean about sending pictures to girls and talking to them for attention as he felt lonely all the time (aware this is BPD trait) but the whole time he made sure I was honest with him and he knew I wasn't doing anything behind his back. I gave him everything.

Since the split he's been through a range of behaviours, started with more lies and him sleeping and talking to anyone that would, then coming to me for support when he felt out of control with it. Would ask how I was every now and then and admit to his true feelings, not pretending he didn't care. Then to hope I have a happy life, thankful for what I did for them, to then the last 2 weeks of painting me black after going through my social media and assuming I was talking to guys/going on a trip to arrange to see guys, to the point of threatening to kick down my door if I didn't block him. Since then the last 2 weeks he's been contacting me for what I feel are needless petty reasons, and being very angry at me, he'll contact me for things he can't find when he moved out like a battery case or even going mad at me about £2 plant pots. And has said several times that he wants me to see how I've f*** him over by having such items. And even a few days ago he hasn't been able to find a document and kept asking me every other day about it even though I said I don't know where it is and gave him half the money to replace it, but still going on at me about it.

Since the break up I have contacted some close friends of his to explain he has been telling me all this info of him feeling suicidal etc and out of concern, and told them not to mention it to him, but be aware that he is not telling them this as he's told me he tells everyone he's fine. He has accused me of trying to turn them against him. Today again, contact about document that I resolved already. Then him signing off with a "you won't have to talk to me once these things are resolved" statement as we still have to organise some things with the landlord, he has been telling me today how worried he is about not having the document, possibly projecting his stress onto me. Yet also reminding me I won't have to talk to him after house issues are sorted, and mentioned if we didn't have to talk about the document then he wouldn't have to talk to me at all... .Yet I already told them I didn't know where it was and gave them half the amount to replace it.

I find it difficult as I have educated myself a lot on BPD since we split so I can see his behaviours clearly now I'm on the outside of it all.

Yet I feel I have this constant push/pull with it

[steve195915]

Hi!

This is my first post on here, but I'd just like to let you know where I'm at.

I was with my BPD partner for just over a year, where we had struggles with BPD rage and him lying - for the first 6 months he lied about his sexual history and once he had to be honest he admitted it was to make me feel bad and that I wouldn't have wanted to be with him in the first place if I knew about his (even though I'd been completely honest and he knew mine was worse!).

Been split up for a month as he had to come clean about sending pictures to girls and talking to them for attention as he felt lonely all the time (aware this is BPD trait) but the whole time he made sure I was honest with him and he knew I wasn't doing anything behind his back. I gave him everything.

Since the split he's been through a range of behaviours, started with more lies and him sleeping and talking to anyone that would, then coming to me for support when he felt out of control with it. Would ask how I was every now and then and admit to his true feelings, not pretending he didn't care. Then to hope I have a happy life, thankful for what I did for them, to then the last 2 weeks of painting me black after going through my social media and assuming I was talking to guys/going on a trip to arrange to see guys, to the point of threatening to kick down my door if I didn't block him. Since then the last 2 weeks he's been contacting me for what I feel are needless petty reasons, and being very angry at me, he'll contact me for things he can't find when he moved out like a battery case or even going mad at me about £2 plant pots. And has said several times that he wants me to see how I've f*** him over by having such items. And even a few days ago he hasn't been able to find a document and kept asking me every other day about it even though I said I don't know where it is and gave him half the money to replace it, but still going on at me about it.

Since the break up I have contacted some close friends of his to explain he has been telling me all this info of him feeling suicidal etc and out of concern, and told them not to mention it to him, but be aware that he is not telling them this as he's told me he tells everyone he's fine. He has accused me of trying to turn them against him. Today again, contact about document that I resolved already. Then him signing off with a "you won't have to talk to me once these things are resolved" statement as we still have to organise some things with the landlord, he has been telling me today how worried he is about not having the document, possibly projecting his stress onto me. Yet also reminding me I won't have to talk to him after house issues are sorted, and mentioned if we didn't have to talk about the document then he wouldn't have to talk to me at all... .Yet I already told them I didn't know where it was and gave them half the amount to replace it.

I find it difficult as I have educated myself a lot on BPD since we split so I can see his behaviours clearly now I'm on the outside of it all.

Yet I feel I have this constant push/pull with it

Your emotions are very typical after a breakup with a pwBPD.  We long so much to get back that amazing  feeling we had with them, yet we know that our life with them will be hell if we do go back.  When your on the outside it's so obvious to see things.  When I read your story I'm thinking stay away from this toxic guy, why the heck would you ever want anything with him and why do you seem to care at all.  Then I think of my situation and with all the horrific things my ex said and did to me, I still feel like I love her and miss her.  It really helped me to get a more realistic picuture of our relationhip by doing research on BPD, and to be on this forum and listen to all the stories. 

I know that even if I got back with her, the happiness will be short lived  and filled with uncertainty the whole time, and the inevitable would happen again anyways and I'd be in the same boat.   I owe it to myself not to go down that rat hole again.  The only possible hope is if she would agree to therapy (DBT specifically) but I know that's not going to happen.

So keep on researching, I can reference you some good papers on this if you want. Be strong and love yourself, you deserve so much more!

[guy4caligirl]

Greenhouse , I totally agree with what Steve wrote , with time invested in knowing the disease you will understand and your question why did tat happen to me will get answered time is the essence .

hang in there !

[movingon123]

The push pull is incredibly bizarre, and nothing I have experienced with a previous partner.

Every time I was pushed away, I assumed it was the last time. It happened maybe ten over about a year, and was more and more disorienting. And this last time (which seems to be sticking) it hurts because the pattern is no longer present.

It is definitely better for me to not be involved with my ex. No matter how great they were at times, and how good they made me feel, it pales in comparison to the pain and confusion and self-doubt I felt with them.

You can get through this - focus on your needs. I stopped doing that, and feel empty because I spent so long forgetting my own needs. Though I'm remembering my need to move, exercise, and play video games 

[Greenhouse87]

Hey guys thanks for the replies!

It's unfortunate that people have had the same situations... But I think like has been said, it is better to know the behaviours and patterns.

My ex BPD is I feel still relying on me for support and I have to keep focussing and looking out for myself and not getting sucked into being relied on for their support.

The push/pull is more apparent now than ever with me not being so forthcoming with communication to them, and I try to stay calm and not react to being provoked!

[didionit]

I am going through this same exact thing--especially with the sexual acting out.  He's gone to great lengths to immediately sleep with other people/hit on people on social media/make it look like he's dating someone new by posting screen shots of a woman from somewhere else on his own IG, and it's totally crazy-making.  He would accuse me of going out with other men or having feelings for male friends or cheating all the time, even though none of that was true, and I'd always been honest with him---and then I find out that he's been doing all of this stuff, the entire time, especially cultivating flirtations with other women online, while we were together.  It's awful.  But, I'm glad to hear, in a weird way, that this happens to other people involved with BPD partners, and that it's hard to stop caring about it/ignore it/etc.