A few connections to explain my pain and guilt

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This has to be the most painful experience of my life.  I have never felt such agony.

It's silly really. I should just be grateful that I am out of a relationship with a BPD and that I can now see that I had such weak boundaries that all kinds of people, past and present, were taking advantage of me. As much as it hurts, I am stronger and more self-aware than I have ever been. I have already started to change myself and the boundaries around me. Time to build a better me. I wasn't bad before but now I know I can improve on what I have already built. I realize I have let people stomp on my for most of my life and want that to end asap.

But at the same time I feel such pain! Deep, gutting wrenching pain. Why?

I have been struggling to actually analyze my feelings. None of this makes much sense on the surface.

Is it the idealization of who I thought my ex was? Is it the loss of the "person I was supposed to be with" (ahem ya right)? Is it shame at being tricked? Or is it the hurt from being cheated on (something I have never experienced)? It is all these things of course. But there is more I realize.

Maybe I can make a few connections now.

A short family history.

My parents were married for 21 years. In that 21 years my mother was extremely unhappy with being married with my father, who she constantly told us children was abusive, crazy, and narcissistic. I remember long hours between the ages of 5 and 13 of my mom sitting with me and telling me all of her problems with my dad, and I remember my attempts to assauge her guilt and support her in her emotional turmoil. For most of my life I hated my father, as my three siblings also did. When my mom left my father (which she had been secretly planning for five years I found out later) we all supported her and my shocked father, who had no idea it was happening was left alone and destroyed for several years.

My father wasn't perfect, and he definitely has narcissistic traits and made mistakes, but as I grew older we reconnected and resolved many of the issues between us. We now have a very mature, adult relationship. I have come to learn that the poor nature of the relationship was not 100% his fault. How is that even possible?

In the same time, my mother got remarried and her relationship with her four children slowly has become more distant over the last ten years. Her only conversations with me personally generally are to complain about her new husband and how he doesn't get her or how busy she is with work (she is very successful but not once since I have known her has she said anything positive about her job). I hear her on the phone complaining about him to his adult children. Only in the last several years have I picked up the pattern. I realize now that my mom has always, at least since I can remember, been a deeply unhappy person even though she is very successful, has all the material things anyone could want, a kind husband (who has fallen in a deep depression and seems to be falling apart - I think I know why now),  and has a loving family. She works to bring down her partner by talking to all those around them. Then after a time discards them. I saw this with my dad, and I am sure that her #2 will have the same fate. I don't think my mom has BPD but she has some sort of PD I am certain of now.

Anyways, since my BPD break-up I have been reaching out to all my family members and close friends for support. I live on the other side of the world from most of them (I am a travelling researcher) so the connection is more important than ever as I have few close friends where I now live.

Overall I have had a wonderful reaction. People have helped me immensely in this very difficult time. I couldn't be more grateful. But my mother's reaction is the most interesting and most upsetting. Not only does she say she is "too busy" to talk to me more than once a week for 15-20 minutes, when I tell her about what happened she constantly turns it around to what is wrong with me (she has the pattern now of making me a caricature of my father, "this is because your narcissistic, and dramatic" she says -perhaps valid points but not supportive). When I confronted her about the lack of time she gives me (no small feat for me, I have always viewed my mom as the  fragile victim and never want to hurt her), she immediately made comments about how I was expecting too much and that she was doing the best she could. She shouldn't have to "seek me out to win mother of the year" she told me. So hurtful and unemotional.

But super helpful to my healing process. I realize now that alot of the pain and guilt I am feeling has nothing to do with my BPD-ex. It has to do with the feeling I have had since a child that my mom doesn't really love me, or can't love me because she has too many other things going one. Until recently I have been the "good boy" hiding my feelings because they were inappropriate to bring up. I took these feelings of low self-esteem into my relationships and have ended up dating people who I shouldn't have dated, keeping my own feelings and wants below the surface because I felt I wasn't good enough and because I wanted to be wanted. This led me to my BPD relationship and other dysfunctional relationships before.

Since coming to this realization  I have gone LC with my mom, for my own self-worth. I did this by politely distancing myself by saying I was busy. She doesn't really want to talk to me it's clear, as likely my unpacking my own issues will lead her to think of her own, which I don't think she can come to terms with. She spent the last 30 years blaming my dad for everything and making herself the victim.

There is no point in pointing out what has happened or her past. I can't change her and nor do I want to. I love my mother. But I know that I can't be near her when I am weak like this. The connection to my mother and low feelings of self-worth connect to my current emotional state. So LC with my mom is a smart decision until I feel better. I am lucky that I am thousands of kilometers away so there are no uncomfortable situations; she would not understand.

Anyways, these are just a few thoughts for those feeling terrible guilt and pain and are not sure why. The more I learn about this situation the more I understand that for me the BPD just opened up a series of emotional bottles that I had kept corked my whole life. I plan to let the bottles stay open and see what's inside. I would rather go through this pain once and for all then deal with the surprise of it happening again if I repressed my feelings again.

[marti644]

This has to be the most painful experience of my life.  I have never felt such agony.

It's silly really. I should just be grateful that I am out of a relationship with a BPD and that I can now see that I had such weak boundaries that all kinds of people, past and present, were taking advantage of me. As much as it hurts, I am stronger and more self-aware than I have ever been. I have already started to change myself and the boundaries around me. Time to build a better me. I wasn't bad before but now I know I can improve on what I have already built. I realize I have let people stomp on my for most of my life and want that to end asap.

But at the same time I feel such pain! Deep, gutting wrenching pain. Why?

I have been struggling to actually analyze my feelings. None of this makes much sense on the surface.

Is it the idealization of who I thought my ex was? Is it the loss of the "person I was supposed to be with" (ahem ya right)? Is it shame at being tricked? Or is it the hurt from being cheated on (something I have never experienced)? It is all these things of course. But there is more I realize.

Maybe I can make a few connections now.

A short family history.

My parents were married for 21 years. In that 21 years my mother was extremely unhappy with being married with my father, who she constantly told us children was abusive, crazy, and narcissistic. I remember long hours between the ages of 5 and 13 of my mom sitting with me and telling me all of her problems with my dad, and I remember my attempts to assauge her guilt and support her in her emotional turmoil. For most of my life I hated my father, as my three siblings also did. When my mom left my father (which she had been secretly planning for five years I found out later) we all supported her and my shocked father, who had no idea it was happening was left alone and destroyed for several years.

My father wasn't perfect, and he definitely has narcissistic traits and made mistakes, but as I grew older we reconnected and resolved many of the issues between us. We now have a very mature, adult relationship. I have come to learn that the poor nature of the relationship was not 100% his fault. How is that even possible?

In the same time, my mother got remarried and her relationship with her four children slowly has become more distant over the last ten years. Her only conversations with me personally generally are to complain about her new husband and how he doesn't get her or how busy she is with work (she is very successful but not once since I have known her has she said anything positive about her job). I hear her on the phone complaining about him to his adult children. Only in the last several years have I picked up the pattern. I realize now that my mom has always, at least since I can remember, been a deeply unhappy person even though she is very successful, has all the material things anyone could want, a kind husband (who has fallen in a deep depression and seems to be falling apart - I think I know why now),  and has a loving family. She works to bring down her partner by talking to all those around them. Then after a time discards them. I saw this with my dad, and I am sure that her #2 will have the same fate. I don't think my mom has BPD but she has some sort of PD I am certain of now.

Anyways, since my BPD break-up I have been reaching out to all my family members and close friends for support. I live on the other side of the world from most of them (I am a travelling researcher) so the connection is more important than ever as I have few close friends where I now live.

Overall I have had a wonderful reaction. People have helped me immensely in this very difficult time. I couldn't be more grateful. But my mother's reaction is the most interesting and most upsetting. Not only does she say she is "too busy" to talk to me more than once a week for 15-20 minutes, when I tell her about what happened she constantly turns it around to what is wrong with me (she has the pattern now of making me a caricature of my father, "this is because your narcissistic, and dramatic" she says -perhaps valid points but not supportive). When I confronted her about the lack of time she gives me (no small feat for me, I have always viewed my mom as the  fragile victim and never want to hurt her), she immediately made comments about how I was expecting too much and that she was doing the best she could. She shouldn't have to "seek me out to win mother of the year" she told me. So hurtful and unemotional.

But super helpful to my healing process. I realize now that alot of the pain and guilt I am feeling has nothing to do with my BPD-ex. It has to do with the feeling I have had since a child that my mom doesn't really love me, or can't love me because she has too many other things going one. Until recently I have been the "good boy" hiding my feelings because they were inappropriate to bring up. I took these feelings of low self-esteem into my relationships and have ended up dating people who I shouldn't have dated, keeping my own feelings and wants below the surface because I felt I wasn't good enough and because I wanted to be wanted. This led me to my BPD relationship and other dysfunctional relationships before.

Since coming to this realization  I have gone LC with my mom, for my own self-worth. I did this by politely distancing myself by saying I was busy. She doesn't really want to talk to me it's clear, as likely my unpacking my own issues will lead her to think of her own, which I don't think she can come to terms with. She spent the last 30 years blaming my dad for everything and making herself the victim.

There is no point in pointing out what has happened or her past. I can't change her and nor do I want to. I love my mother. But I know that I can't be near her when I am weak like this. The connection to my mother and low feelings of self-worth connect to my current emotional state. So LC with my mom is a smart decision until I feel better. I am lucky that I am thousands of kilometers away so there are no uncomfortable situations; she would not understand.

Anyways, these are just a few thoughts for those feeling terrible guilt and pain and are not sure why. The more I learn about this situation the more I understand that for me the BPD just opened up a series of emotional bottles that I had kept corked my whole life. I plan to let the bottles stay open and see what's inside. I would rather go through this pain once and for all then deal with the surprise of it happening again if I repressed my feelings again.

[heartandwhole]

Anyways, these are just a few thoughts for those feeling terrible guilt and pain and are not sure why. The more I learn about this situation the more I understand that for me the BPD just opened up a series of emotional bottles that I had kept corked my whole life. I plan to let the bottles stay open and see what's inside. I would rather go through this pain once and for all then deal with the surprise of it happening again if I repressed my feelings again.

marti644,

Well done. I commend you for looking at the big picture and connecting the dots.  That's not easy. I can relate to a lot of what you are discovering. I also feel that the relationship with pwBPD opened my eyes to my own family dynamics that shed light on my dysfunctional behavior and the immense pain that I felt during and after the breakup.

Making the connections between how I learned to cope in my childhood and how I coped during the relationship with pwBPD has helped me grow. For that I'm grateful.

You seem to be feeling your pain as well, which I think is good, although I know it's difficult. In my view, recovery has to be more than intellectual, even though thinking about and analyzing our experiences is very helpful.

What helps you cope with the gut-wrenching hurt, marti?

heartandwhole

[roberto516]

I'm sorry Marti. I won't attempt to tell you what's up. But I would suggest seeing a therapist if you haven't already done so to help you figure it out.

For me, it was the caretaker role. I thought a relationship was "Take care of your partner, sacrifice for them, and if they don't reciprocate then whatever. Because if you love them you will help them and continue to love them." I never went further with that sentence and said "If they don't reciprocate and aren't willing to try/work on it then get out!"

It can be a real run around to try and analyze everything. I drove myself crazy for far too long. Now I do know the puzzle pieces. The picture is clear for me about why I do what I do, and did what I did. But I wasn't allowing myself to move on from that. If it makes sense?

It was like I put the puzzle together. Stepped back, looked at it, and then kept readjusting it, moving pieces as if I would learn more. But I was torturing myself. Hope this helps? Hang in there! You got a lot of support here!

[marti644]

Thanks heartandwhole and Roberto,

Your comments and support are very much needed and appreciated.

Heart and whole, I am trying to keep busy and stay out with friends and family. Keep busy with work and have lots of activities planned for weekends and offtime to dull the pain. Mostly I'm just giving myself time. I can't get a therapist where I live, but as soon as I go home next month I will see one immediately. I know I need to feel this so I'm letting it happening and trying to focus on the core reasons for the pain, not the surface level stuff about the BPDex. Trying to be constructive about all this even though I'm a complete mess.