BPD husband has agreed to "see a dr" what do i do next to make it happen?

[Jwifeandmom]

so , after a few years, failed couple therapy, 3 sessions with a therapist who told him "he was fine" and even a domestic violence temporary restraining order, im still trying to work things out with hubby as we have 2 very small kids. so, on vacation he had a episode and i told him, he has to see a dr. i want him to understand he has a disorder, not just "anger" but some sort of imbalance (BPD i know)

do i have him see a regular medical doctor?

does he need a scan?

or is this simply something we have to take him to see a therapist?

the idea is, i need him to HEAR IT and UNDERSTAND it from someone he will respect. a medical dr i think he would REALLLY listen to.

advice?

thanks

if he doesnt go, i cant continue to be married to him, enough is enough

[babyducks]

Hi Jwifeandmom,

I responded to your other post but wanted to add something here.

On the right hand side of your screen is a box that says choosing a path.    there are a lot of very personal and complex reasons to stay or leave a relationship based on our own individual situations.    the choosing a path steps are designed to help someone work their way through that decision.   they are self paced.    they are a great place to start.

I noticed you mentioned a DV restraining order.   We have quite a few members with experience there.    Has the restraining order expired?    And more important, are you and your children safe now?

'ducks

[jac8949]

so , after a few years, failed couple therapy, 3 sessions with a therapist who told him "he was fine" and even a domestic violence temporary restraining order, im still trying to work things out with hubby as we have 2 very small kids. so, on vacation he had a episode and i told him, he has to see a dr. i want him to understand he has a disorder, not just "anger" but some sort of imbalance (BPD i know)

do i have him see a regular medical doctor?

does he need a scan?

or is this simply something we have to take him to see a therapist?

the idea is, i need him to HEAR IT and UNDERSTAND it from someone he will respect. a medical dr i think he would REALLLY listen to.

advice?

thanks

if he doesnt go, i cant continue to be married to him, enough is enough

I would do a psychiatrist/ psychologist treatment... .But it is very likely that he will come out if that with some self vindicating diagnosis.  My ex bdb gf went to a therapist after spending nine years utterly destroying everyone around her and the therapist told her that her problem was that she suffered from PTSD from some childhood trauma that never actually happened.   Oh... .And my personal favorite.   That the root of her problem was that she was too smart.

This might be controversial but I think that cases like BPD are better treated in spiritual setting rather than medical.

Seriously... .I believe that something as powerful as this can only be solved by a divine act of Providence.  A bona fide miracle. 

And I am not talking about religion... .I am talking about the real God... .

Miracles are a long shot.  If you believe... .Start praying now.

[losingconfidence]

His willingness to see a doctor seems like a good sign to me. Lately I've been reading a book called "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. While the book has a different perspective than this site and suggests that attitudes, not illnesses, create abusive behavior, it makes some really good points on why angry men are so angry. The suggestion is that it's not just a mood problem like chemical depression and that it actually comes from his underlying attitudes, beliefs, and assumptions about how the world should work. If a man grew up believing he was entitled to specific things going his way, then he might become very angry any time things didn't. Bancroft believes therapy has to focus on entitlement/control issues (and by that he means the aggressor's tendency to take control over others, not his lack of self-control).

I wonder if it would help to Google treatments for angry men. If he has a history of domestic violence, I think you might have an easier time going that route versus the BPD route since some therapists are inclined to see people with BPD as victims first, aggressors second, which can sadly often make things worse.

If you want to really treat it at the BPD level, I think you need a doctor or a therapist who believes BPD is a thing and who understands the destructive impact it can have on other people. The difficulty is that some therapists and doctors who have that understanding don't treat patients who have BPD and only see nons.

In my opinion, the real challenge will be making sure someone communicates to the doctor/therapist/other professional that this is a case of BPD and not anything else. It's often not the first thing doctors or therapists look for or suggest, so the seed needs to be planted.

Regardless of what kind of person he sees for help, I think the DV issues need to be brought up earlier rather than later. I think some doctors and therapists will take slightly different approaches if they know there's a history of violence than if it's only implied by his actions and his partner's frustration with him.

[Jwifeandmom]

hi babyducks its been SO LONG since i used any type of message board. i cant figure it out how to delete because i failed to look at the site well enough before deciding which thread to post in, how do i delete?

as far as DV order, yes, we are safe. he did NOT hit me- he isnt that bad! its just the verbal & mental abuse had gotten SO bad, plus he wouldnt let me use the (MY!) debit card, took my phone, and smashed/broke my ipad. that is personal destruction of property, so i got a temp. restraining order. this was a HUGE wake up call for him.

once he realized how bad/unloving he had become, the threat of any violent-like behaivor stopped and i let him in and let order expire, bc well, i havent fully given up and we are a very low income family, i care for 2 children (2 1/2 and 1 years) and him in his car or finding place to rent was not financially sound. as long as the threating behaivor stopped, i knew  i could handle the ... .god, all the other sh*t... .and if he doesnt do anything now, i will be able to have us seperate without court/cop interference because he sure doesnt want THAT again... .!

Hi Jwifeandmom,

I responded to your other post but wanted to add something here.

On the right hand side of your screen is a box that says choosing a path.    there are a lot of very personal and complex reasons to stay or leave a relationship based on our own individual situations.    the choosing a path steps are designed to help someone work their way through that decision.   they are self paced.    they are a great place to start.

I noticed you mentioned a DV restraining order.   We have quite a few members with experience there.    Has the restraining order expired?    And more important, are you and your children safe now?

'ducks

[Jwifeandmom]

THANK YOU L.Confidence, i will google this book. it sounds good.

however, i too, had been trying to look at him as a victim first, of an illness, rather than a bad horrible man.  i am not downplaying violence at all nor making excuses for him, but he didnt or wouldnt hit/hurt me like punch etc. not him. but he did break property, do financial control, verbal abuse and where i live that was enough to  fall under dv  category

His willingness to see a doctor seems like a good sign to me. Lately I've been reading a book called "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. While the book has a different perspective than this site and suggests that attitudes, not illnesses, create abusive behavior, it makes some really good points on why angry men are so angry. The suggestion is that it's not just a mood problem like chemical depression and that it actually comes from his underlying attitudes, beliefs, and assumptions about how the world should work. If a man grew up believing he was entitled to specific things going his way, then he might become very angry any time things didn't. Bancroft believes therapy has to focus on entitlement/control issues (and by that he means the aggressor's tendency to take control over others, not his lack of self-control).

I wonder if it would help to Google treatments for angry men. If he has a history of domestic violence, I think you might have an easier time going that route versus the BPD route since some therapists are inclined to see people with BPD as victims first, aggressors second, which can sadly often make things worse.

If you want to really treat it at the BPD level, I think you need a doctor or a therapist who believes BPD is a thing and who understands the destructive impact it can have on other people. The difficulty is that some therapists and doctors who have that understanding don't treat patients who have BPD and only see nons.

In my opinion, the real challenge will be making sure someone communicates to the doctor/therapist/other professional that this is a case of BPD and not anything else. It's often not the first thing doctors or therapists look for or suggest, so the seed needs to be planted.

Regardless of what kind of person he sees for help, I think the DV issues need to be brought up earlier rather than later. I think some doctors and therapists will take slightly different approaches if they know there's a history of violence than if it's only implied by his actions and his partner's frustration with him.

[babyducks]

, how do i delete?

Hi Jwifeandmom,

on the housekeeping note.    posts can be modified for 15 minutes or so after you write them.    Posts can't be deleted because they create holes in the conversational wall that leave fellow posters lost and the threads impossible to follow.    don't worry about the deleting/housekeeping stuff.   you are good.

as far as DV order, yes, we are safe. he did NOT hit me- he isnt that bad! its just the verbal & mental abuse had gotten SO bad, plus he wouldnt let me use the (MY!) debit card, took my phone, and smashed/broke my ipad. that is personal destruction of property, so i got a temp. restraining order. this was a HUGE wake up call for him.

once he realized how bad/unloving he had become, the threat of any violent-like behaivor stopped and i let him in and let order expire, bc well, i havent fully given up and we are a very low income family, i care for 2 children (2 1/2 and 1 years) and him in his car or finding place to rent was not financially sound. as long as the threating behaivor stopped, i knew  i could handle the ... .god, all the other sh*t... .and if he doesnt do anything now, i will be able to have us seperate without court/cop interference because he sure doesnt want THAT again... .!

Typically there is a lot of conflict in a relationship with a person who suffers from the traits of BPD.   Their highly intense emotional reactions and our normal response of Justifying, Arguing, Defending, or Explaining almost always makes the conflict worse.    There are skills and tools that can help to minimize the conflict if that is the route you decide to go.    I noticed you posted on the Staying board also (that's fine, you will get a different perspective and set of advice there).   

Here on the undecided board is the place to take the cold clear look at the reality of being in a high conflict relationship.   Breaking property and using controlling actions are serious boundaries and once crossed, easier to go over again.    I'm not trying to be mean just honest.   The experts say that this becomes a slippery slope, most of us just wants the behavior to stop, not for our loved ones to get in trouble or suffer the consequences.   And unfortunately that is very rarely enough.   

So what do you think?   How are things going now?   

'ducks