Lessons after breaking NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

I broke NC a a couple weeks ago after about 7-8 weeks... since then we have exchanged many text message. Breaking NC has been postive but also negative:

PROS

- Gave me some anwers

She still think about me, still feel love for me, still very sad when she thinks of us, dont forget our sexual passion and still says it's unique ans will never find it again... .

- I realize that she has'nt changed

She says she's in love with the replacement... .he is a very nice guy and with him she can dream of having a baby soon and maybe 2 babies, they see in the same direction BUT tell me the sex is not as good as with me, if she would be single she would be interested to sleep again with me, she still feel love for me, that there's no passion between them, open to have a coffee with me and staying friends, says he (the replacement) doesnt look like on his FB pics and if he was she would not be with him!... .and more. My conclusion is that she has'nt an honnest speech for a woman in a r/s... .so in my book she is still dishonnest just by showing some interest and talking for so long with me. She says something (she is in love) but says many things against him. Speech does'nt match with actions. Whats difficult to handle is that sometimes she's ver persuasive when she says she loves him.

CONS

- Falling in a nostalgia

- Missing her sexually

- Jealousy of what she is living with the replacement.

4 days ago, she told me to stop contacting her... .(I was not the only one to initiate contact, anyways I'm going NC again! ) Also told me that she's happy in her new life and to not get things more complicated. EVERY time I have confronted her with something more serious or something that put her in front of a mirror she use to escape. That woman is not able to suffer and she will do everything possible to avoid pain... She is in a total denial (seems to believe her lies)... .I also think she is just in a survival mode.

By sharing this I do not recommand breaking N/C, I'm a only sharing my own experience... .every story is different. I think that stage (breaking NC) was part of the Healing process and I feel comfortable with that... .I dont think I'm worse than before. Also last week, I have started a therapy and just after 2 consultations I can tell you that it will very very helpful.

Comments, advices... .thanks in advance guys!

*******MERRY CHRISTMAS**********

I know for many of us Christmas time won't be easy but we must stay positive and keep sharing our story. I'm pretty sure 2016 is gonna be a better year. Life is good... .very good! My speacial thank for all of you who take time to read, reply, give advices... .you can't figure how it is helpful in the recovery process! Sincerely Thank you!

[tribalmart]

Hi,

I broke NC a a couple weeks ago after about 7-8 weeks... since then we have exchanged many text message. Breaking NC has been postive but also negative:

PROS

- Gave me some anwers

She still think about me, still feel love for me, still very sad when she thinks of us, dont forget our sexual passion and still says it's unique ans will never find it again... .

- I realize that she has'nt changed

She says she's in love with the replacement... .he is a very nice guy and with him she can dream of having a baby soon and maybe 2 babies, they see in the same direction BUT tell me the sex is not as good as with me, if she would be single she would be interested to sleep again with me, she still feel love for me, that there's no passion between them, open to have a coffee with me and staying friends, says he (the replacement) doesnt look like on his FB pics and if he was she would not be with him!... .and more. My conclusion is that she has'nt an honnest speech for a woman in a r/s... .so in my book she is still dishonnest just by showing some interest and talking for so long with me. She says something (she is in love) but says many things against him. Speech does'nt match with actions. Whats difficult to handle is that sometimes she's ver persuasive when she says she loves him.

CONS

- Falling in a nostalgia

- Missing her sexually

- Jealousy of what she is living with the replacement.

4 days ago, she told me to stop contacting her... .(I was not the only one to initiate contact, anyways I'm going NC again! ) Also told me that she's happy in her new life and to not get things more complicated. EVERY time I have confronted her with something more serious or something that put her in front of a mirror she use to escape. That woman is not able to suffer and she will do everything possible to avoid pain... She is in a total denial (seems to believe her lies)... .I also think she is just in a survival mode.

By sharing this I do not recommand breaking N/C, I'm a only sharing my own experience... .every story is different. I think that stage (breaking NC) was part of the Healing process and I feel comfortable with that... .I dont think I'm worse than before. Also last week, I have started a therapy and just after 2 consultations I can tell you that it will very very helpful.

Comments, advices... .thanks in advance guys!

*******MERRY CHRISTMAS**********

I know for many of us Christmas time won't be easy but we must stay positive and keep sharing our story. I'm pretty sure 2016 is gonna be a better year. Life is good... .very good! My speacial thank for all of you who take time to read, reply, give advices... .you can't figure how it is helpful in the recovery process! Sincerely Thank you!

[NCEA]

Ha... .I feel it I'll contact my ex, that's exactly what she'd tell me, word for word. Mine doesn't even want children, but maybe if she meets the "right" guy she would. Can't imagine what a nightmare that will turn into, that man will wish he was never born.

[tribalmart]

LOL... .thats the way we have to think... .If the replacement is agree to be the father of her kids... .WOW good luck Buddy! I have to be honnest... .I already have a kid, not from my exBPD ... .a 6 yo girl who is my treasure (her mother is like a friend to me now and no problem with shared custody) Before dating my exBPD, I had a vasectomy! My lord... .thank you! ... .logicaly I think it's the best think I've ever done, it save my life! But honnestly, without kid and without vasectomy I would have Fallen into the trap!

[hopealways]

Tribalmart, I sometimes wonder if I am just too weak to break NC, fearing the response you got.

I envy you for having the strength to make contact.

Reading 1000s of posts in the past few years, not ONE post has a happy ending after breaking NC. Yet we still dream of that response from her where she will rush over to our arms and say she wants to try one last time and be all in... .

Whether maintaining NC comes from strength or weakness (I really don't know), I have accepted that the DISORDER is greater than our love, our history, our compassion, everything.

BPD really sucks, I wish there was a magic cure for it.

Hang in there.  Merry Christmas.

[tribalmart]

Breaking nc... .Weakness or strength ? I would go for weakness! I knew that the final result would be negative! Keeping any kind of contact with BPD sufferer is useless and will only slowing down the healing processus. But, you Know it's stronger than me, its in my nature to always looking for answers... .I have to learn that sometimes in life we just dont find all the answer we are looking for... .that's life... especially when we deal with a BPD sufferer.

[Mutt]

Breaking nc... .Weakness or strength ? I would go for weakness!

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

[C.Stein]

Yet we still dream of that response from her where she will rush over to our arms and say she wants to try one last time and be all in... .

I would be happy with an admission of guilt, a show of remorse and a heart felt apology.

[tribalmart]

In my case, she shows remorse and says feeling guilty for all the pain she did to me. But, is it sincere ? I have serious doubt about it?  She is still trying to manipulate when Im in contact with her, I think she feel like she is winning because already in couple! Also she still says that she became insane because I refused to have a baby from her... .this is the reason why she cheated, lied, manipulated, harassed... .that I was not there for her in the moments she need me the most, that she felt abandoned by my non desire for this baby. Her speech is not logical, she says having remorse and then later destroy this confession by trying to make me feel like the guilty one... .no baby is one thing, cheating + lying + manipulation is another thing... .nobody will make me believe that her urgent desire of a baby can explained such behaviour... .no way! So sincere remorse?... .I dont think so! Between all the cheating episode she also looked sorry and feeling remorse... .but she did it again and again. By thinking shes not guilty she avoid facing pain! But shes in total denial!

[Mutt]

Her speech is not logical, she says having remorse and then later destroy this confession by trying to make me feel like the guilty one... .no baby is one thing, cheating + lying + manipulation is another thing... .nobody will make me believe that her urgent desire of a baby can explained such behaviour... .no way!

Tribalmart,

I'm sorry to hear that. I know that the logic doesn't make sense but there is a reason why our ex partners act the way that they do. A pwBPD anticipate rejection and abandonment and frantically try to avoid abandonment. A baby with you would be a permanent attachment.

[JSF13]

Tribalmart, I sometimes wonder if I am just too weak to break NC, fearing the response you got.

I envy you for having the strength to make contact.

Reading 1000s of posts in the past few years, not ONE post has a happy ending after breaking NC. Yet we still dream of that response from her where she will rush over to our arms and say she wants to try one last time and be all in... .

Whether maintaining NC comes from strength or weakness (I really don't know), I have accepted that the DISORDER is greater than our love, our history, our compassion, everything.

BPD really sucks, I wish there was a magic cure for it.

Hang in there.  Merry Christmas.

I have only broken NC once and all I said was "OK". She has tried several times to contact me. Even as recent as yesterday saying "Checking on u". I along with the rest of you dream of the response Hopealways talks of however I too realize that BPD is greater than anything we had. It appears my ex is back with her ex husband. Finding that out for me was enough to know there is absolutely ZERO reason for me to ever respond. The way she toggled between painting him black and white I have no idea who the guy really is. I also don't care to find out. He is not my concern. I am angry as H*ll that I was fooled into believing she was the one but it's about me now and bettering myself and being the best person I can be. I don't recommend breaking NC to anyone unless you have to.

[tribalmart]

MUTT / I think you are right, the baby issue was like an obsession for her... .very weird? she had no maternal skills with my own daughter, it was easy to observe that she is not a "true mother", it's not something natural... .also she was very jealous of the chemistry between my daughter and me, saying that she can't deal with the fact that the most important person on this earth is not from her!

She always says that she has alot of love to give. After less than 3 months with the replacement she talks about having a baby from him... .not now but soon. It's difficult for me to understand this non-sense, she's a very smart girl but her speech doesnt match her actions... .I have never seen someone in a such denial! She seems to believe her own lies, She seems in love but look what she's saying about him? It does'nt match? It's confusing to me? And sometimes she seems so strong and detached from us and for me it's so fresh in my head? It's frustrating because she seems to doing very well after all the damages she did... .I have to overpass my anger... .Anyways She a complex person and I must give up in this quest to understand completely!

[Joem678]

I'm sorry to hear that. I know that the logic doesn't make sense but there is a reason why our ex partners act the way that they do. A pwBPD anticipate rejection and abandonment and frantically try to avoid abandonment. A baby with you would be a permanent attachment.

Mutt, this is a scary thought.  I have four children with my BPDw.

I have only broken NC once and all I said was "OK". She has tried several times to contact me. Even as recent as yesterday saying "Checking on u". I along with the rest of you dream of the response Hopealways talks of however I too realize that BPD is greater than anything we had. It appears my ex is back with her ex husband. Finding that out for me was enough to know there is absolutely ZERO reason for me to ever respond. The way she toggled between painting him black and white I have no idea who the guy really is. I also don't care to find out. He is not my concern. I am angry as H*ll that I was fooled into believing she was the one but it's about me now and bettering myself and being the best person I can be. I don't recommend breaking NC to anyone unless you have to.

 

JSF13, after researching quite a bit, after being apart of this board for a month now, and after 19 years exposure, I sometimes feel that some folks here are the replacements.  I don't mean for it to sound harsh but I do feel that some manifestations of BPD allow the pwBPD to fall in love while in their "true-self" state of mind.  Replacements then to happen as they fall into their "false-self" state of mind.  These can last.  I do feel, that if you heard a smear campaign about their "ex", while you were in the idealization state with your pwBPD... .RED FLAG!  The ex might still be the strongest connection.

[Mutt]

Mutt, this is a scary thought.  I have four children with my BPDw.

I have 3 kids with my ex wife, S4, S7 and D9. I completely understand. I was scared for a period after the break-up with my ex wife and I'm not scared now. You need to have firm boundaries with a pwBPD. I also have court appointed boundaries with a court order.

I think that what really helped is understanding the reasons why my ex partner behaves the way that she does by learning about BPD psychopathology. I depersonalize her behaviors and I stopped reacting to her. I see patterns and I'm aware of the patterns and I'm mindful that I don't engage in drama.

MUTT / I think you are right, the baby issue was like an obsession for her... .very weird? she had no maternal skills with my own daughter, it was easy to observe that she is not a "true mother", it's not something natural... .also she was very jealous of the chemistry between my daughter and me, saying that she can't deal with the fact that the most important person on this earth is not from her!

She always says that she has alot of love to give. After less than 3 months with the replacement she talks about having a baby from him... .not now but soon. It's difficult for me to understand this non-sense, she's a very smart girl but her speech doesnt match her actions... .I have never seen someone in a such denial! She seems to believe her own lies, She seems in love but look what she's saying about him? It does'nt match? It's confusing to me? And sometimes she seems so strong and detached from us and for me it's so fresh in my head? It's frustrating because she seems to doing very well after all the damages she did... .I have to overpass my anger... .Anyways She a complex person and I must give up in this quest to understand completely!

My ex wife has a series of broken relationships with people in her life. Her children and the fathers of those children are permanent attachments.

Some experts say that BPD is a shamed based disorder and a pwBPD have chronic feelings of shame and will project negative actions and feelings about themselves. Your ex is dissociating and altering reality to match her out of place feelings - defense mechanisms associated with BPD.

[C.Stein]

Also she still says that she became insane because I refused to have a baby from her

So what's the deal with that?  I can understand the desire for a baby, but why the desperation?  My ex was the same, maybe not quite as desperate but I am sure she has convinced herself the reason why she dumped me was that I didn't want one, which is not necessarily true.

I think maybe she thinks a baby is going to make her a better person ... .fill the emptiness inside?  I can't seem to understand why someone would want to bring a baby into an unstable relationship ... .and yet that is what she wanted to do.

[hopealways]

There will ALWAYS be something that bothers them, today it's the baby, tomorrow it will be the house.  Bottomless pit.

[ScotisGone74]

After over a year with my exBPD she knew she had set the hook in me, she besan constantly talking about having a baby, about me getting her pregnant,  about how cute our baby would be, about how I needed a boy- I already have two daughters and was by no means in any hurry to have another child, but I really did love her and at some point as crazy as it was, I was actually thinking about having a kid with her at sometime down the road.    So after two and half years together she gets married and pregnant in two months to some kid that worked where she does.   

A life with a BPD will most definately be volatile, bringing a child into the mix only adds to the drama.     I am now happy after 3 years of strict NC with this person.    I really do feel for you guys who unfortunately can not go NC due to kids, I can only imagine how tough that is.   My hat goes off to Mutt and all you other guys in the same boat. 

I think really when it gets down to it NC gives us an opportunity to work on our Own issues , do the work on our FOO issues, and allow the exBPD s be responsible for their own actions.  I dont ever remember reading a story on here that ended well due to contact with the exBpd.   Give yourself the gift of peace over the Holidays.

Merry Christmas

[Joem678]

Thank you for the concern for us who share kids with our pwBPD.  I don't think about it yet, buying know I will be connected with her for the rest of my life. 

[tribalmart]

Scotis... .wow... .what a great comment! What else can I say!

Recently a friend of mine told be " You should celebrate everyday about the vasectomy you had and that your ex BPD will never be the Mother of your child"

My replacement is also a kid (shes 30 accountant and he's around 24 daily pot smoker and no serious job, im 38 great job, very stable financialy, very good shape, gym 5 times a week) and she is planning to have a baby from that type of guy. Sometimes, it is so pathetic and ridiculous that I dont dont Know why I still waste energy on it. Like you said we have our own issues and we should concentrate on it. In our case (non BPD) it is possible to grow as human and with some efforts to overcome our issues. In their case (BPD sufferer) we are talking about a never ending personality disorders that is almost impossible to solve.

[Marshmellow]

hi Tribal... I can understand ... having mixed feelings after breaking no contact.

Yesterday, after two mos... I broke down and sent a neutral Merry Christmas email... and know wish I had not.

he answered right back, with a lengthy but neutral reply, with what he must have figured was a " Bonus" to boot!

The bonus was a picture, he claimed his daughter took, bringing in his Christmas tree, to decorate from outside.


I thought to myself, " why would he send a pic of himself? narcissism? He said his Mom was ill and starting therapy after holidays, but didn't mention or comment on what I said. ( just told ABt music event I helped with, and the song artist that performed.

seeing his house again in the pics made me sad;(. We had talked back in August ABt how we might split up the holidays. Makes me so melancholy now...

He can be so " normal" and matter of fact, but I have to remember that can change on a dime.

and he can turn into a raging mean, and cruel man... in nothing flat.

I remember my ex saying back in Aug. during an argument, when I confronted him over something... he started the usual threatening... .saying" your going to be alone again this Christmas! "

Since I had learned he projected a lot, I wonder if he was talking ABt himself? ( he didn't know what or where I had spent the prior Christmas... )  but I know for sure... .he wasn't spending this Christmas alone. He had moved on 3 weeks post breakup verbally and probably when we were still seeing each other.

It's disturbing how quickly, his emotions shut off.

I can recommend to all here... .no matter how much we miss them... it's better to stay NC. Wishing everyone here... a Happy safe and Merry Christmas!

[tribalmart]

Marshmellow... .sorry about what you are going trough... .I know what it is! Don't you think that by contacting them, we only gave them power. Often, (I must be honnest) I fantasize about a revenge (nothing violent or gore I have to specify), that she will fail and fail again! I hope the Wheel is going to turn, you know! The best revenge is simple... .to be happy and to erase every single trace of her in my brain and in my heart, to be free of her! However, sometimes I'm still initiating certain type of contact with her... .why? I don't like to suffer and I behave in a way I know I will ? I have had almost all answers I was looking for, so... .Why?

[JSF13]

So I have to come clean that today I broke NC. My ex has been nonstop at me all day today. She won't admit to anything I know she lied to me about. Swears that I have it all wrong. Also said she is absolutely not back with her ex and knew that's what I thought. She has gone as far as sending me pics. She tells me she loves me and all everything mushy. I don't believe her. I absolutely think this is just a poor plea for a recycle. I even said ok then meet me with these people who you created issues and let's see with them there who is lying. She refused. She's been a roller coaster of emotion today. At first it was hurting me but now I'm like whatever to the whole thing. She hasn't changed at all.

[tribalmart]

One advice... .Listen to your gut, if you think she's lying, it's very possible you're right. With time, we learn to know them very well! Mine was a pathological liar (omissions specialist), when she became out of control... .she tried everything to persuade me. So listen to your intuition, at the end you'll be winner.

[C.Stein]

Mine was a pathological liar (omissions specialist)

Yes ... .selective inclusion of the truth in order to mislead or just complete omission.  Compound that with direct lies to cover the deception ... .  my ex did it too.  I am actually afraid to find out just how much as I suspect it is far more than I know about.  I really don't want to believe that but I have a bad feeling it is true.  I will never find out though ... .so it is what it is I guess.

[tribalmart]

CStein... .same thing for me... .I know (I'm 99% sure) that what I know is only a very tiny part of the all thing. Sometimes we have to accept that we will not find all the answers we are looking for... .and maybe it's better this way! Knowing the full version could be a serious shock to me!

[Itstopsnow]

I used to think I had a very unique and special bond with my ex. I don't want to make you feel bad. But she may of said those same things to other lovers. They get very close superficially of course to all their partners. That's how they reel them in. With fake closeness . Usually put on by Sex and other things. Such as telling you that you're different, special or never have they felt this or that way about anyone. Look for the clues to let you see her words are empty. You were special just not enough to maintain bc she's mentally ill. To go from telling you all that. To telling you not to contact her and she's In love. She's playing games still . Just go full NC. They can't thrive without drama. And they have a pervasive mental illness that is serious  and impacts  their lives  in negative ways

[tribalmart]

I had this toughts you know... .and sadly that is maybe the truth. She told me and will tell to the next (replacement) the same speech, putting him on a fake pedestal, painting me black, giving great sex! it's a way to put the hook!  I don't know if they are doing it conciously? At the moment they behave that way, do they believe what they say? About their words... .of course empty because speech never matches with their actions! "Ohhh I love you" but they just can't proove it! Maybe I'm asking myself too much questions... .but I'm still in a stage where I'm still looknig for answers.